Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

.Biology 101 - our bodies age and acknowleging we can't drive how we use to, keep us and other drivers safe.

Any yet if someone starts a thread with a concern about an older person driving the responses will ignore the above and there will be a chorus of “my 99 yr old mum is a better driver than most 21 yr olds” etc.

😆

I am 53 and don't like driving at night, never did since I got my license when I was 19. The new headlights make it even worse.

I had a fall in February and broke my shoulder, it can happen at any age, our neighbour's son is 19 and recovers from a broken ankle due to a weird fall.

Unless she really limits herself from normal day-to-day activities I wouldn't say this is ageing.

The median age of women on mumsnet is early 40s.

Not early 60s.

I'm older than that and often feel MN is not my 'tribe' anymore.😀

I hate driving at night, I dread work when I finish at 1700 and it’s dark

I depends where you're driving at night.
Towns with street lighting are fine.
Country roads with narrow lanes and cars with laser lights doing 60 is not fun.

No one is pretending age isn't a thing, obviously it's a thing but 61 is young enough to be working full time and possibly having late teens/young adult dc at home. It's not (usually) old and doddery based on people I know who are a similar age.

OPs mum sounds like she's embracing dodderyhood by using language like 'had a fall' which is unusual. The driving thing, I don't know. She could have something wrong with her eyes and should get them checked out. Even my parents (in their 80s still drive locally in the dark).

Im not a fan of driving at night especially this time of year, everything is much darker in general and my eyesight is fine, as for the fall did dhe slip on soggy leaves? Also very easily done in the dark in autumn.
I wouldnt see these as signs that shes resigned herself to the knackers yard at 61.

Mine is an A road with no lighting. Towns are ok but I was once dazzled by a car's lights when I looked in my rear mirror.

Tbf we did used to see as being in your 60s as old, society has just changed now so that everyone is a spring chicken. But what if your mother isn’t a spring chicken. Perhaps she’s paints on an image but deep down she is feeling older. If she doesn’t want to drive at night so what? Had a fall? Perhaps that’s just language her peers use. You’re making a mountain outta molehill.

I’m 64 and hate driving at night. The headlights dazzle me. I hike, travel, see friends, work part time and go to the gym. I’m not decrepit yet just because I won’t drive in the dark! Just sensible.

Does their world shrink because they worry about money so they cut back?

I’m not even 50 and avoid driving at night now. I find the glare really difficult and rather than being a danger to myself and other road users, I avoid night driving.

My STBX stopped driving at night and doing this - 60, just retired. Me 50 full of beans. World snallee a big part of why I'm off. Anyway did turn out he had the start if cataracts. Yes to high beans etc but eye test to be sure. Noone likes driving at night really but not all of us want tye world to shrink either.

I understand what you’re saying. She’s giving in to it all and embracing old age. I find that very frustrating too. We have two ladies the same age in our family, one who seems to absolutely love her ailments and fragility that is coming with age. The other who won’t give in at all and won’t acknowledge any age related issues and is determined to keep going.

We can’t control how others grow old and live their lives but I know which one is rather be.

Opticians test peripheral vision so youire going to know if you have eye tests.

Being on her iPad all the time is very bad for her brain. It’s often overlooked with older people because they’re adults but I really don’t believe they have the same defenses or understanding of the way they hack our attention as younger people do. Social isolation is the biggest predictor for dementia. The driving at night thing, I used to roll my eyes at my parents but now that I’m in my fifties I am starting to understand. My eyesight is ‘fine’ but it’s just not as good at night.

I fell and broke my arm when I was 57. It was called a fragility fracture and I was seen by the elderly care nurse- something like that.

Well I’m 62 and I don’t like driving at night either. I feel older but not old.
I go to the gym, run & do Pilates.

Hi OP, I’m a similar age to mum, if I described myself as “having a fall” rather than “I fell” it would definitely be in a jokey way. Having said that I hear what you’re saying as sometimes I find it hard to motivate myself to get up & out being active. I don’t know what the solution might be in your situation, just try not to let your mum isolate herself because that’s a slippery slope (witnessed with my own grandma)

I'm smiling at some posts here writing off older women as night drivers.

You can get glasses for driving.

I don't wear glasses other than for reading, and a different pair for driving in bad conditions.

In most cases, glasses correct your vision.

It’s just people. My mum loves to act helpless when me or my dad are around. She can operate perfectly fine by herself. She’s so cautious now “Oh, I can’t do that” etc… She will go out & eat half a sandwich in M&S cafe. Horrified at people enjoying life.

MIL who is that same age (mid-70s) is a force of nature. She thinks nothing of jumping on a plane, train, going cross-country in the car. She’s always jetting off with friends. Theatre, fine dining, parties, she’s a real woman about town. That’s just how she is…

@Startrekobsessed

I am curious as to why her ageing is so aversive for you?

What a very judgemental and unkind post.

I'm 60. I've been driving since I was 17 and have never liked it much, particularly at night, largely because of the glare from ridiculously bright oncoming headlights. I'm happy to use buses or taxis if I need to get anywhere.

Having a fall and falling over are just two different ways of saying the same thing. I've fallen several times, once to serious injury. That was 10 years ago but thankfully nobody ridiculed me like this OP seems to with her mum.

I really must be ancient. 🙄

Stop talking nonsense and have some empathy.

Isn’t it from 50 the NHS decides you’ve had a fall rather than fallen over?
Just because your elderly MIL wouldn’t say she’s had a fall, doesn’t mean that’s not what wouldve happened.
She’s not aging herself, she’s aware she’s aging and taking sensible precautions. I don’t think it’s great how many are in denial over how they’re aging. The stigma around aging needs to go away, it’s perfectly normal and happens to all of us!!

Did they give you a DEXA scan to assess osteoporosis? This has t o be offered to all women over 50 if they have a fracture from standing height. If not, you need to ask your GP to arrange one.