Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

They do to some extent but it’s the glare of the headlights

Fuck me. I' m 70+ and am perfectly capable of reading about the effects of screen time on humans.

Utterly patronising and ageist shite.

You could say the same about the fuckwit parents I've see putting phones in the hands of babies. Or walking their children while they have their own faces in phones. I wouldn't do it to a dog.

Give the state pension age is 67 and rising to 68, no woman of 61 is 'old'.
Many are still working and lead full and busy lives.

That's a car manufacturing issue and is under review. It affects everyone not just older drivers.

That's the thing OP, it is her choice. And yes, the 'had a fall' thing is subjective.

You know all of this.

I get that you're worried but you can't compare her to your MIL, they are different people, different lives. My MIL is in her 80's and still fit and active, whereas my mum is in her 60's and a bit like yours. I'd love my mum to be a bit more active but I'd never compare them or try to push this - they've had entirely different life experiences and a different outlook on life.

If you're worried about her life getting smaller then you could suggest some things that you could do together.

Other than that, I can't see any way you can broach how you feel without coming across as patronising.

Nice.

Yes, I only drive at night when commuting as I have no choice

Our surgery called to do a frailty check on me because I injured myself so many times one year (my 59th). I fell off a jetty, helping a woman onto a paddleboard and cracked my rib when she caught me between the board and the jetty; tripped on a curb in the dark and faceplanted wearing ski boots; slipped on a rock and faceplanted on a hike… I’m hardly frail!!

The night driving is sensible if she doesn't feel safe. Jenni Murray died after a car crash that happened because she was dazzled by headlights.

Working is not the decider of you are old or not, the state pension age rising is due to demographics & economics not because 68 yr olds are now young. Healthy life expectancy hasn't changed….

Opticians look for healthy eyes without najor problems. They don't test for ageing vision and how it affect our confidence in driving.

@KnickerBockerGloriously I would disagree strongly with that particularly on certain boards eg AIBU, so many references are before I was born & im not young!

Do you have osteoporosis or any bone weakness?

Well, I have vowed not to drive at night due to the state of the roads in my area. Crater size potholes which I can’t see if it’s dark! The problem is significantly worse if the weather is wet.
One horrific night in February I was stranded for five hours with a blown out tyre.
I’m not yet 50 but I won’t be driving at night this winter. Not ageing myself but simply don’t feel safe.

Maybe suggest she gets her eyes tested and basic things checked at the drs. If she suddenly become less confident there’s probably a reason.
She’s being sensible about driving!
2 years ago I was completely independent, driving and working full time. Then I had a big change in health. That has left me unable to drive and I have to plan very carefully what I can and can’t do. Im in my 40s and I’ve had 3 big falls in the last few years. Once down the stairs, and once head first into the pavement!
Stop being so judgemental and have a chat with her about getting some health checks. and Offer suggestions about a balance exercises. I have to do them daily.

Well yes, obviously. Because both those who see older people as doddery dangerous liabilities who should stop activities to avoid being a nuisance, and those who think older people should be behaving as they did in their 30s to avoid being a nuisance, are making sweeping generalisations in accordance with the stereotype they prefer. Which is obviously going to get push back from people who don't fit the stereotype in question.
Rather than seeing older people as individuals with varying health, capability and confidence, they are both treating them as a homogenous group and projecting what suits them.
Whether this is the ageism that sees all older people as incompetent and in the way, or the personal self interest that wants a parent to be forever young and not impose on their own lives.

Fun outings? I'm 61, work full time, youngest DD only just gone to uni, I would think my elder DC's had lost the plot entirely if they suggested accompanying me anywhere! They'd rather I accompany them so I can get my purse out!

She's did have a fall! What else is she supposed to say?! She fell over!

Some people do seem to enjoy being 'old'. I have a friend who seemed to become old almost overnight at 60, wearing old lady clothes, revelling in aches & pains, referring to herself and her friends as old ladies, which wasn't appreciated by us.

Maybe it was an escape from a life where too much was expected of her. I don't know.

You say there's nothing wrong with your mother's sight, OP, but unless you mean with glasses or contact lenses, that's pretty unusual as we age. Are you sure you know the truth of that? And it's very common to go off driving as we age, especially at night. It's not always a thing we can pinpoint but let her be the judge of that

There are Ubers so don't become her driver.

It’s often overlooked with older people because they’re adults but I really don’t believe they have the same defenses or understanding of the way they hack our attention as younger people do.

What a load of ageist shite.

Although saying 'purse' has now aged me ten years - I do use Apple Pay!

Is your mother protecting her mobility and muscle mass or does she just sit all the time?
My mum started randomly decking it from her mid-sixties onwards due to not maintaining much muscle strength.

Yes , had a Dexa scan.

Op, I’m very much with you , I’m 62 and would use the words fell over not had a fall . I hate being this age and have a young outlook , and try not to act old in any way shape or form . I have bad health but don’t let it stop me doing things. I avoid driving at night , my sight isn’t great in the dark so I do get where she’s coming from . Had a fall is something I’d expect to describe an 80 year old falling over . Saying this my sister is 3 years younger than me and seems to embrace her older age , uses a stick , and because she’s got bad hips uses a mobility scooter . (I’ve had a knee replacement and you’d have to drag me kicking and screaming on one of those things) I say this tongue in cheek as I do understand some have health issues where these things are needed . But I’m avoiding old people’s language for as long as I possibly can . Your MIL is prob like me and is fighting the age thing for as long as she can , but yeah there’s friends I have who are happily settled into old age , ughhhh not for me. I’ve actually told my kids that if ever they have to put me in a nursing home , make sure I d got my ps5 and I’ll be quite happy . (I was being serious, I’m a gamer) 🤣

It makes no difference what you call it when you fall on the floor.

What matters is how much damage it does and whether you can get back up again and walk away unscathed.

I broke my hip by falling on the pavement ages 41. Calling it 'having a fall' wouldn't make any difference to the outcome which was an emergency surgery.