Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

Driving at night is a real concern at her age, im 62 and am used to driving unlit roads, but I hate driving busy roads with cars coming at me with lights

Regarding her fall, Ive had a couple and I have got myself to a gym to build my strength and balance .

Im so much more cautious now compared to in my 50's , another reason why I go to a gym - not doing my own thing but with a coach to ensure Im doing the best to build muscle strength

I’d be more worried that you presume your mum can’t make her own choices on her life. I’m 39 and I’m not going out on an evening unless you make me 🤣 I would much rather chill out at home…it’s not aging me.

I get where you are coming from OP. My SIL and her DH are like this. Everything is we're too old for this. Can't drive anywhere new is one of her things. Perfectly capable of driving a long way a route she knows but new sends her into a tail spin. Can't go to a different supermarket as they won't know where things are. It's anxiety more than physical problems. On the other hand I have an aunt and uncle older than SIL who don't stop. Sometimes retirement narrows people's world.

I was with a group of people who were mown down at night by an elderly driver on a wide road, with street lamps but no pavement. He said he had been dazzled by a car (with dipped headlights) that had passed in the opposite direction shortly earlier. It was just before midnight.

I wonder if "had a fall" is in the same category as "had a little cry"?

I had a friend who was elderly at 25. No joke! She was DETERMINED to be old. At 25 she was talking about books on menopause, and no, she did not have an early one. And she would talk about not being able to figure skate the way she used to.....at 25! She was 95 in her mind. Age really is a mindset.

I agree about the night driving though. Anyone who says they are not comfortable driving at night should be taken at their word.

"Had a fall" definitely implies to me that it's an elderly person who fell while doing something totally innocuous like walking into the kitchen, and that the fall is due to old age. Falling over is like when you trip on a kerb or fall over playing a sport. A fall has a clear reason, but having a fall is due to the weakness/balance issues of old age. As OP said, no one talks about a child having a fall.

Not going out in the evening unless forced at 39! I'm an introverted homebody and even I was like 👀 on reading that. You should make yourself, because if you go on that way for too long, eventually you'll become too scared to go out in the evening because you won't have done it for so long. Also, it's just quite an unhealthy mindset.

This feels very familiar. I feel I've read something similar on here before.

Anyway, I haven't particularly enjoyed driving at night for a decade or more, and I'm only in my 40s. As for the semantics of 'falling over' or 'having a fall', who cares? If she doesn't, why should you? She may prefer staying in at night, and if so, that's not 'aging' her. She can do things during the day instead. It's perfectly fine.

Is this like the reverse of when people don't like to admit to themselves that they're old enough to be grandparents? Are you reluctant to acknowledge that that you're old enough to have an 'aged' or 'aging' mother?

I’ve not driven at night for years now due to the same and I am 46. Always hated driving at night due to it, since I was young!

I'm 60 ad had two falls last week. I don't think it has ever happened before. 😮

Early forties?! That's just a weird affectation.

Has she stopped doing it?

I totally get your concern OP! I’m 62 and doing as much as I can to keep fit and healthy.

Myself and quite a few friends all retired at just over 60 and just a couple have aged really really quickly. As you say, their world has become smaller, they stay at home, read, watch TV but almost withdraw from the world and their health is already suffering.

I would suggest a couple of things, see if you can get her to go for a thorough health check, eyes, ears, thyroid, bone density. Thyroid issues go undiagnosed in many women because so many symptoms are similar to menopause. As other have said, sight and hearing issues can cause problems with driving, especially at night.

Then, she needs some structure to her week. She doesn’t need to be out every day, but she needs some out of home activities.

I took up adult ballet at 62, I’m terrible, but it works my brain and my body. With all the terms in French and remembering everything, I find it a solid hour of brain power being engaged. Another day I meet friends for a walk and coffee. Coffee generally take us at least 3 hours. Another day I go to a gentle Zumba class and one night a week, Pilates. I’ve recently found out my bone density isn’t good, so I’ll be adding some sort of gentle strength training next. I’ve also found all classes where I can pay weekly, with no full term commitment. So if we want to go away or change plans with little notice I can.

See if she can think of something she enjoyed as a child and gave up that she can begin again, or something completely new. Something just for fun, something for fitness and something which gives her a social connection.

I want to be the 80 or 90 year old still giving life a good go if I can. I’ve retired from work, but not given up on life. Your mum is still so young. It’s far too early to be shrinking her world. I totally understand your concern.

A fall could be a trip, slip, faint or collapse, plus probably many other descriptions. My collapse was due to low blood pressure. I went out like a light and had to be picked up off the pavement. A check-up might be worth a try.

Eyesight test would be worthwhile, as has been mentioned several times.. I know someone who gave up driving in their mid-40s as they were struggling with vision at night. They have astigmatism and are now struggling with the onset of cataracts.

I'm a decade younger and would avoid driving at night just beccause I have astygmatism and the bright headlights mean I'm dazzled and can't really see what's coming... I don't think it's me being an old lady, I think it's just being realistic!

I think if these are just two examples of her mindset, I understand what you’re trying to say.

My parents think themselves younger, like to keep up with the world, my mum likes to be on trend clothes wise, they try and stay on top of tech as much as they can, and keep super active.
My MIL has said since her late 60s “well I’m an old woman” and actively won’t learn new things. She refuses to keep up to date with phones (not taking latest iPhone but still has a v old Nokia) so won’t WhatsApp or keep in touch with people as easily. It’s up to her, but we feel she’s missing out through this mindset of being old.

No real advice but there is a notable difference and I think ideally encouraging a positive can do mindset is healthy.

I am 55 and struggle driving in the dark. I do it for commuting but it’s difficult.

I treat a lot of older people at work and attitude towards aging makes a huge difference. The ones who are still fit and active don't always have much difference in their medical histories, they are just more determined to get up and move after a hip replacement for example.

If it helps OP, this is what I see when driving in the dark. Imagine it in heavy rain as an example.

I’m 58. I prefer not to drive at night now as do most of my friends. We do drive at night when we have to but would rather not.

Am that age and it really can be when things start to feel a bit different. I work full time in a big job and work out and feel fit in most ways but have started to lose some confidence in my body. Like coming down the loft ladder I feel I have to be extra mindful as I’m just not so nippy. Stepping over a big puddle. Climbing on a chair to reach something. Night driving on dark A roads is stressful. Friends my age are coming down with chronic ailments.
She might be suddenly feeling her age. Be kind and encourage physical movement so she doesn’t decline. My gym is full of middle aged women lifting and squatting!

Broadcaster Jenni Murray (75) was dazzled by lights at night and drove into two vehicles sustaining rib fractures and died eight days later.

"the coroner ruled that her death resulted from bronchopneumonia caused by fractures to her rib and sternum sustained in the crash."

I haven't been able to drive at night since my early 60s despite help from opticians.

There's a reason why women don't like driving at night:

https://somethingtosay.london/uncategorized/why-women-dont-like-driving-at-night/

Agree With the headlights. So many people find it difficult now. It’s a lot more common than you think.

I fell over last year and heard someone say “that old lady has had a
fall”, I’m in my fifties!

Will she take a taxi if she won’t drive at night?

I think this post is actually about you OP - what is it about your Mum getting older that you find so uncomfortable? Do you fear perhaps needing to do more for her? Perhaps your relationship with her is not great? Did your mother end up caring for her own parents? The things your mother has described are unfortunately not unusual as we age.