Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

I'm 45, cannot drive at night anymore and during daytime hours I can't drive on motorways/main roads.

Others have already said similar, but driving does become more difficult at night as people age. I am nowhere near your mums age but find it much more challenging now, my depth perception is nowhere near as good and it takes a lot more concentration than it did 5-10 years ago. Leave her to make her own decisions, support them even! Have you tried speaking to her about why she is choosing to do this instead of assuming it's a bad idea?

I echo PP who've said for OP's mum to get eyes checked out, though she currently seems OK - the full Monty, to pick up cataracts and glaucoma. Both of these can be invisible - the latter dangerously so.

The other thing is if you mostly drive in daylight then very occasionally at night, it can be very disconcerting, even if there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The reverse is true, I've found. I go to a monthly meet-up that involves a decent drive at night. When the clocks change, bugger me it's startling at first - so much information flooding into the old brain.

😂

I don't enjoy driving at night and I am nowhere near 61. Especially on motorways.

I think what you are getting at is that her world is shrinking fairly early on.

I also find lights blurry at night and lights are dazzling these days, but I haven't stopped driving as it's good enough to see and there's less traffic at night, and like you, I worry once I stop I won't start again and I don't want to be like my mum who does have cataracts and having to go home at 4.30 in winter as I can't drive in the dark. I don't love night driving but it's not a restriction I want for now given I can still see well enough to drive.

Having a fall or fallen, I hope she's not injured, it sadly is the case that this is the stage some people find they have osteoporosis, it's not unusual at 60.

I do agree some people seem to get old quickly, my MIl used to refer to herself as an old lady and disabled when she was in her early sixties, more to gain sympathy than to stop her doing anything.

I get you OP. My own mother is 81 and most assuredly not like that but the mothers of some of my friends, may of whom are 10 or 15 younger go around acting like they are falling apart. (My mother technically IS doing so but she doesn't go on about it). It's tedious, boring for other people and a waste of a large chunk of life not to keep on keeping on in my view. My mothers attitude is 'if I could do it yesterday, I can do it today' - cumulatively of course that's not true but having that mindset prevents one from arbitrarily deciding one is too old for something.

My first advice would be to ask, "Why don't you like driving at night? Would you want to see your eye doctor, or is is a safety issue?"

By the way, I fall all the time. Always have. Don't shame her over it.

I'm not a big fan of driving in the dark. unfortunately, I still have to work for another 20 years so I'm pretty much stuck with it for 6 months of each year.

If they change the headlights on cars though.....

Make sure she gets an MOT, eye and hearing test for a start - eyes obvious, but ears in case she has an inner ear balance problem. Blood pressure checks etc. I'm just thinking that something simple could be causing dizziness. Lots of women loose confidence during menopause, and it affects different women in different ways.

Falling over = you can get back on your feet unaided

Had a fall = you cannot get back on your feet unaided

Using a chair or a wall to help you up is fine, but if you cannot get up unless someone else lifts you, thats "had a fall"

@Startrekobsessed I'm 66 and recently started to find night driving challenging. The optician was non commital but I have to drive at night. An ophthalmologist diagnosed cataracts. Not so bad I couldn't be adequately corrected to read the black letters on the white chart but bad enough for dazzle, glare, poor contrast vision and difficulty with small print. Cataracts are being done privately next week.

Over the summer I tripped up, went flying and - had a fall. Nasty grazes and a cracked rib.

I really hope nobody thinks I'm aging before my time. I'm active, care about my appearance, have a social life and would lamp the dc if they wrote about me what you've written about your mum.

I had a bad fall last year, I fell over. I’m not sure how saying I fell over or i had a fall are aging or not aging? I’m mid 50s.

I also don’t normally drive ar night due to some health problems, there was an emergency recently and apart from the emergency part the driving was actually ok.

I’m in my 60s and was a very confident driver in my younger years. Unfortunately I developed glaucoma in my 50s and cataracts soon after. I cannot drive in the dark, even after treatment/surgery as the glare of headlights is very bad.
A lot of my friends also struggle with glaring headlights. It is a thing as you get older. Also, if you don’t keep fit then your balance is affected at this age so falls can occur.

Anxiety can hit at any age, and pretty much always gets worse as you get older. I would guess the fall scared her.
Your perception of the way ageing works will change as you get older, so I suggest you try and see things more from your mother's point of view.
Expecting her to pretend she isn't ageing because it works well for you is simply very blinkered and unkind.
If you were feeling vulnerable and powerless after hurting yourself, would you like to have to contend with a daughter who expects you to ignore you are ageing for her convenience?

Why is it there's one thread then a lot of similar ones pop up? 🤔

I think you start “having falls” when falling over starts to cause serious injury. If you can fall over and get back up again with minimal issue you have not “had a fall.”

I am also 61 and I wasn’t happy driving at night but I got my eyes tested and new glasses and I’m fine now. I was worried I had cataracts or something but no, just aging changes and new glasses made a huge difference.
I wouldn’t say I had a fall yet, I’d say I fell or tripped so thats a bit odd at this age.

It may be the super bright lights but if she has astigmatism or cataracts (I had them in my 30s) then driving at night, in the rain especially, is not fun at all. Add in the billions of cars on the roads, the bad drivers, pot holes and pedestrians stepping out dressed in dark colours... any tiny eye problem magnifies the problem.

It's astigmatism that makes driving at night difficult and tends to develop as we age.
I had a bad injury in my fifties when I fell over and the nurse said she heard I had a fall.

@Startrekobsessed she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore

A lot of people don't.

Visibility when driving at night is extremely poor now because brainless car manufacturers started putting very powerful headlights on their cars which makes it impossible for anyone to see anything.

OP “she spends most of her time playing games on her iPad.”

she’s practically a teen then….

It's hard when you first start ageing and have to confront your mortality. In a way it's easier when you get past that initial stage.

I hate driving at night. Always have. Recently a friend told me she got special glasses for night driving. Would be worth checking out. Re the rest, it’s a little worrying… I would wonder if there’s something else going on.

OP my MIL is similar to your DM and my mum more like your MIL.
My only advice would be to make sure you don’t get caught up in it. If you start caring for her like she’s elderly now she’ll get used to it and you’ll be doing that for the next 35 years! It’s not a bad thing to voice that 61 is young and there’s loads of life left.

My own mother has treated her own mum like she’s been on deaths door for the past 12 years, with no end in sight. It’s upsetting to watch but also bred resentment towards both of them in different ways.