Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Anyone else finding that they are looking at their own old age and wondering how they can avoid the same mess their parents created? I know I am.

Whenever I have a big decision to make I think about what my parents did and automatically think dont do that.

@MysterOfwomanY I'm still here! Having the time away from the weekly grind is giving me time to think. More than anything I dont want what is happening to DM to happen to me.

Yes, DH and I are looking at ways to avoid a mess for our kids. Starting now (mid 50s) by decluttering the house! I've also started a book with details of log-ins and passwords. The kids have finance LPA already. We've done a fact finding mission on all things financial so the kids know what we have. We've done out wills.

I have sleepless nights over it. I don’t want my DC to be tied like this.

I would honestly rather kill my self than put DS through what I went through, and he is an only DC as well like me. I try to comfort myself with the fact he’s male so less prone to noble self sacrifice, but the downside is we won’t have that huge mass of savings that DPs had so at least once they agreed to go into care it was relatively smooth sailing. Plus the stress of looking after DPs should cut a few years off my life. DH is currently exercising and adjusting his diet so he can live forever, I would rather go 80-85.

@rookiemere aging is quite a crapshoot. We can get an idea from how our parents, aunties and uncles turned out (adjusting a bit for smoking, diet, exercise) but there's a boatload of natural variation too.

You have, however, reminded me that looking after my waistline (which DM defiantly refused to do, bless her) is a Good Thing, so thanks for that, as I was thinking idly about a box of chocolates we have stashed away somewhere.

My ER has been up at outpatients today. They're referring her to have her blood flow inspected and to check there's no malignancy, she says. God old age can suck. (Or not! I have friends 5 years older than my elderly relative who are fit as fleas and living life to the full!).

Will pop down tomorrow, thank goodness for car aircon!

@MysterOfwomanY DH got one of these blood glucose meters so I decided I should try one as well and it has unfortunately revealed that I seem to be inclined towards reactive hypoglycaemia- in English really low readings after anything carb or sugar based. I mean I kind of knew it because of my symptoms but didn’t know quite how bad it was, so I should go back to carb and sugar free which makes me drop weight very fast.

@rookiemere I don't suppose that means fried bread bounces your blood sugar less than regular bread I suppose :(

Hello. I've lurked and occasionally posted before but I'm starting to feel I need to be here now on a regular basis, if you'll have me.

I am finding this time of life (helping a parent) utterly relentless as I know many people here do. If it's not one thing, it's another. Another worry, another problem to try and sort/manage/navigate. Every time I think we might hit a plateau something else blooming happens.

I'm usually a fairly strong and stoic person but today I just feel utterly stressed, tired and a little bit broken.

Welcome to the board nobody wants to be on @Lzzyisgod . Relentless is the right word.

Thank you @Mumbles12.

Today's hurdles and battles are:

• try and sort out the tech ddad has managed to lock himself out of for the nth time this week (if it's not the TV, its his phone)
• sort out bills from house sale (hurray though, that sale has been beyond stressful and i ended up dealing it as it became increasingly clear ddad couldn't cope)
• have that conversation about either helping more with finances or possibly activating the Financial LPA.

I am a lurker as on the same journey as you all but things came to a head yesterday involving some very ugly crying on my part. The years of stress buildup just tipped me over.
I have had the usual picture of probably 15 years of dementia slow decline and complete denial. My mum has a frontal temporal type dementia and my dad has some memory and executive function problems probably vascular. Self neglect and no medical input for years . Not even eye tests so no suitable glasses for either of them. Obvious incontinence and complete denial.

The inevitable crisis hit a few months ago when my mum was admitted with severe breathing problems and was not expected to live. I had been advising she needs to see a doctor for weeks but was met with aggressive denial and assurance that she was fine ‘because she says she doesn’t want to go’. Concern was raised to social services for neglect by the hospital.

7 months later and we are waiting best interest decision for nursing home after she bounced in and out of hospital a few times and is back in after becoming violent with care staff when doing personal care.

POA was set up with me and my sister as replacements so still awaiting this to be processed by OPG. At least my dad resigned his POA.

my sister is a high flying surgeon abroad who is far too busy to offer any actual support but of course surgeons are very important indeed so needs to impart her wisdom in a patronising way when she has time.

I work in the care sector and being at work is no respite as know a lot of people involved and I feel horrible that some of my colleagues now know details of about my family situation and my self neglecting parents.

also a neglected family business which my dad is clinging onto and he just about has capacity. Guess who will have to sort that out when the time comes ?

I know I am not wrong to want to book myself into a remote retreat for a month and tell no one. Yesterday I realised I am burning out but this situation is not going to go away.

this thread has been a sanctuary as it is an isolating place to be and the support here is incredible.

Welcome @Lzzyisgod. @SilentDrapeRunnerwelcome also, that’s the worst when they both have their own fun type of dementia and your Dsis sounds insufferable. Aren’t you tempted just to book a holiday and leave her to it for a while ?

I am so very tempted to do that but am desperately trying to hold out for a few weeks until my mum is in a nursing home and hopefully some stability for at least a few weeks.

Lets not even talk about the funding of the home as my dad is going to be very unhappy indeed that they will have to pay and I have not had the energy to try to talk much with him about this as have been dealing with a series of medical crisis which were supposed to be fatal but unfortunately they have stabilised her to prolong her life of misery.

My mum was not nice to me and my dad is now like a lost child as he was dominated by her so unwilling to leave him to it just yet.

The social worker is being appalling so that is literally the last straw and it’s taking every ounce of self control to not unleash my anger. I work with a lot of social workers in the area so would be career suicide.

Just a few more weeks need to hang in

Sorry @SilentDrapeRunner I realise going away is literally what you just said. But in real terms surely it wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility to take a week giving your Dsis notice. She may be a surgeon but she still gets annual leave same as the rest of us.

Sorry cross posted with you I understand

@SilentDrapeRunner that all sounds really difficult (& very relatable!). We have a holiday coming up and I am praying we actually get to go… please!!! 🙏 Both of us need a break.

We’re in the situation where mil (imo) is developing dementia (has heart failure which can’t be helping)… She’s increasingly frail but also incredibly stubborn and doesn’t want to accept that at the very least she needs carers at least 3x a day (she’s dismissed the midday one, and won’t let the others do anything much so basically is hardly eating and not really washing). Realistically she should be in a case home, but… agency/capacity…

Sil was agreeing she needs to go into a home but in a lucid moment mil convinced her she mustn’t let her go into a home under any circumstances. (& I understand the emotional pull of that, I really do, but there’s wanting vs needing… ). So we’re muddling alone and it feels like watching a car crash in slow motion. Oh and to add to the mix she caught scabies during her last hospital stay.

Give me strength…

I am so glad we have come away. DM is still keeping on going. I do suspect that this could keep going for months.

Hi folks.
Sorry to see so many of us here, but songlad this thread exists x
Things here have changed.
Mum (80) now doesn't leave her home at all except for medical appointments or hospital admissions.
After the last month long admission earlier this year, she totally turned on me.
She doesn't want to know what's wrong, even if its serious, and refused the tests I begged the drs for.
(She has since had one of them)
So, to protect my mh I have stepped back after 12 years.
I resigned as POA and cancelled the CA.
My sister has taken over as POA, I believe.
I pop in briefly twice a week to see her.
It transpires that mum is now paying my sister to do some of what I did!! 🤷‍♀️
I feel guilty as I feel I've cast her to the wolves (my sister) but I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
She's now 5 stone. Her mobility is very poor. I did manage to get the dieticians to visit but she won't take the drinks/powders, so its all a bit pointless.
She urgently needs a colonoscopy but refuses to chase the drs and my sister won't.
Feels quite odd after all these years to no longer have the constant stress. I'm happier and - crucially - so is she.
I've tried to explain that if she needs to go into a care home that paying my sister will be viewed dimly but neither of them care 🤷‍♀️
I'm hoping to move away at some point (I'd happily move now but convincing dh is proving tricky ☺️)

@NoMoreFluffsToGive I can relate to your feeling of watching a car crash in slow motion (and the frustration of a parent and sibling who refuse to accept that 'want' and 'need' can be very different).
In my view, my DM will almost certainly need residential care, or at least respite care/visiting carers etc, before too long but is currently at the stage where it's possible to muddle through without. Brother refuses to even consider this and is very annoyed with me for setting some boundaries and refusing to do more than I currently do (which is already at least one full day every week plus lots more time organising things for her from my own home). Earlier this week mum had a HCP visit in her own home- Brother refused to allow this to be at his place (where Mum is currently staying) or to take her to her house for it. It relates to her dementia diagnosis and since I started this process he is of the opinion that all medical appointments are my responsibility. I already have a 1.5-2 hour journey (each way) to her house so collecting her from his place and returning her at the end of the day added just over an hour (15mins each way x 2), so 4.5 hours in the car total for me, on one of the hottest days of the year. When I arrived to collect her Brother and his partner were both at home (as they were when I dropped her back at the end of the day). They are aware that this is just about the busiest time of the year for me with work (except since I am self employed they seem to think I am basically retired).
They, with Mum and some of Brother's friends, are going away for a week (UK self catering) soon. I told them when they booked it that I thought it would be better for them to just go with their child and friends- and that it would be an ideal time for mum to try respite care. It will be in the middle of my very busiest time so I have told them I will absolutely not be able to drop everything to look after her instead. She could go in for a while before so settle in, but know that it was only temporary. The reaction was predictably aggressive. Now Mum is worrying about getting all her clothes etc ready and packed but Brother and his partner have said they won't have time to do it so I will have to spend another day there washing/ironing/shopping etc with her. I think Brother's partner is (understandably) having second thoughts and I suspect they are hoping that Mum will refuse to go and I will have to stay with her. There are other things they have started to say (eg. reference to having days out planned that she won't manage so she'll have to stay on her own some of the daytimes) that make me think they want her to say she won't go. I have told them that this won't be happening but I predict emotional blackmail etc.
Had I agreed that we should look after mum ourselves without carers etc, and discussed holiday times to share care, I would 100% agree that I should facilitate their holiday. But I have made it clear from the start that I will help organise things etc but do not think it's in anyone's best interests to try to care for mum without paid help when we both work and have other commitments.

So glad you’ve managed to have the time away @GnomeDePlume as you really, really deserve the break 💐

Welcome and welcome back to recent posters - this is a safe place to vent with comfortable chairs and delectable calorie free refreshments sprinkled with magical boundary dust ✨

@SilentDrapeRunner yours sounds a very particular purgatory due to your work and I cannot imagine how many times you’ve bitten your tongue. I think I’ll line up shots of the extra strength special reserve for you to have whenever you need one - thank you for everything you do 💐

@Lzzyisgod I feel a need to congratulate you on the house sale. Well done, I know how hard that is. I see you’re still spinning plates but the day we completed on our Dad’s house sale was such immense relief and I held onto that feeling to keep going.

@bigdogpaws God, I'd sure be tempted to "have a problem with my phone" for the next few days...

I have the opposite issue, Elderly Relative talking vaguely about full time care when she doesn't need it. (Yet).

The lunchtime carer volunteered to email head office to ask them to discuss daytime care (basically just one big 12h shift at hers) with her - bottom line is who she gets, I think. And whether they can cook a bit.

When she said the doctors are checking there's no malignancy aggravating her leg ulcer problem, I did think, well, that would simplify things. (I can say that here!).
I'd prefer that the wretched things healed, mind.

The GP has given her opioid patches which really seem to have taken the edge off the pain for her - well done that woman 🏆.

@SilentDrapeRunner @Lzzyisgod - let me pour you both a small virtual G&T.

Thank you! It has been an enormous relief in many ways but by heck it's been 6 weeks of utter stress. This time last week I was thinking I'd never get it over the line!

Successful day here today - managed to talk to everyone with meter readings, dropped ddad off for his monthly lunch with mates and he's agreed to start the ball rolling in terms of finances. In typical Parkys Impulsiveness fashion he decided to tell me this at 4am this morning and wanted it sorting today 🤣.

I have not managed to sort the phone but dsis is taking up that mission (she is a star and reading here I realise I am very blessed to have a sibling who is totally on board and supportive). But I've only cried once today so that's also a bonus!

Now Mum is worrying about getting all her clothes etc ready and packed but Brother and his partner have said they won't have time to do it so I will have to spend another day there washing/ironing/shopping etc with her

Er, I hope the answer to that demand ended in "off" @bigdogpaws ?

@Raven08 good to hear from you, I am so sorry your DM has turned against you after everything you have done for her, but withdrawing does sound like the only solution and you sound at peace with it.

@bigdogpawsyour B is the gift that simply keeps on giving. How far away are they going?

@MysterOfwomanY It's very tempting to just leave them to it, but I fear that if I do that they will just let it get to the day they are due to leave knowing that Mum will have nothing ready (she has vision problems and dementia, there is no way she could possibly do it without help) and will tell them that she's going to stay on her own. Then she will call me as soon as they have left to say that she is scared and needs me to go to her. They know this too.
So for now I am being smiley and positive about the holiday. It is clearly a terrible idea- a woman in her 80s with dementia in unfamiliar surroundings with a family with a small child who wants to go out exploring and a son who really wants to be going out with his mates (single men in their 40s) who are staying next door (don't ask me why they want to go away with a family and an elderly woman). I think I will do her washing and pack her a bag then just take it over to show her the contents- it will be a much quicker process than having to look through every item in her wardrobe, most of which is several sizes too big now.