Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

I just found this thread. I think I may be able to keep my sanity after all. (83 narcissist not so dear mum)

Sympathies. My mums lovely neighbours let me know that they’d helped mum cook her tea every night for the previous three weeks and maybe she needed more help than she was letting on. She was telling me she was managing fine. That was the point I put my foot down and we got carers initially to help with evening meals but once I got them through the door it was easier to expand the number of visits and range of duties.

It helped that mum was always a reasonable and sensible woman and so when I flipped over to mothering my mother (thanks pp) she didn’t put up too much resistance. Especially as she had to admit to me how much she was relying on the neighbours (and they were going on holiday so wouldn’t be around to help). It’s just getting past that first stubbornness and insistence they’re managing ok.

Welcome to all newcomers to the thread no one wants to be on. No judgement here, just lots of support.

I think the objections to additional, third party, support come from a position of not wanting to face facts and not wanting the neighbours/friends to know that they can no longer cope alone.

Having care given by family can be minimised or even dismissed. It isnt care, just a visit.

DM's slide down the ramp continues. GP prescribed cocodamol which is neither one thing or another.

One of the nurses wants to start using the 'big guns' in mum's EOL pack. DB's objection is now consistency. He doesnt want one nurse doing one thing and the other doing something different which is fair enough.

But that is progress, he is no longer totally objecting to the heavyweight painkillers.

@countrygirl99 @Scrabsqueak
Reading your posts took me back 3 years to when I eventually sorted DMs hearing aids. Utter debacle I won't bore anyone with but it aged me another 5 years.

I'm currently going through another 5 year aging process known as 'blue badge renewal'. <què histeria>

@funnelfan I've just started counselling to try and understand why I feel guilty having put up boundaries. DM plays on the heart strings and is a wonderful travel agent for guilt trips so I'm in need of strong boundaries! Well done for sticking to yours, sounds like you nailed it on the stairlift phone call!

@GnomeDePlume pleased to hear your brother is on board with painkillers. Your poor DM shouldn't have to be in pain, poor lady.

Phone call from the home this morning, just to let me know her fees have been reviewed and are being increased. She’s paid the same since she moved in 18 months ago so to be expected. Still good value I think at just below £1400 pw.

Her mobility has also drastically reduced to the point she’s struggling to stand. The main issue with that her room is an attic room and they can’t get the hoist to that floor so we’re looking at a room move when one comes available. Isn’t it horrible that actually means we’re waiting for one of the other residents to die?

She’s still medically stable, eating and drinking but ultimately on the same exit ramp as Gnome’s mum, albeit a little further back.

@funnelfan DM is paying slightly more for a nursing bed. When you compare it to what a hotel would cost I think it is damn good value.

Spoke to the CH today. DM has had her first morphine dose. Lots of consultation all round amongst staff and all agreed.

I talked with the nurse about whether syringe driver or line would be appropriate and agreed to play it by ear.

We now have a breakdown in communication between DB and nursing team (DB is just too difficult) so I had to tell him that we are on the morphine stage now. He actually took it quite well, perhaps because the decision was taken out of his hands.

@GnomeDePlume I am so relieved your DM is finally getting morphine. I hope it provides her with some comfort.

Like yourself and @funnelfan because of the level of care DPs needed from the day of their arrival at care home - both in higher needs wing - I can see why care home fees cost what they do. Particularly when staff are required to accompany DPs to mostly unnecessary A&E visits, although thankfully those have tapered off.

Just checking in to say thanks for previous advice (Cockroach Cafe spring/summer edition) on managing Mum's house clearance and deciding what to keep / not keep. Helped hugely and I am now prioritising the bits I want, rather than feeling guilty about getting rid of things she valued.

My house is slowly returning to normal. The charity shops have done well. And I am currently digitising all her audio cassette recordings of her singing (she was an opera singer) which is bittersweet, frustrating (she never labelled anything) and fun all in the same measure. Am choosing to remember the good bits for now.

Much solidarity to anyone else clearing out a home post-move to a nursing home, particularly where the relationships were fractured.

@Lastknownaddress I hope you don’t mind me asking what did you do with old mobile phones, kindles, iPads etc. obviously I will download photos but did you just wipe the data and put them in WEEE recycling?

@GnomeDePlume Im pleased for your DM she is now getting the right pain relief. Maybe giving DB a fait accompli is the right approach, as you say it means he doesn’t have the responsibility of making the decision.

Exactly that. Wiped everything, gave what I could to charities that refurbish and send out to schools in LMIC. And then the rest went with a tip run for recycling. Given the age of Mum there wasn't as much digital documentation as there could have been. What is taking longer/costing a significant amount more is digitising all the family photos, videos and audio cassettes so that we have them for posterity across the family. Slides were extortionate!

@Lastknownaddress thank you for that info - it helps.

Digitising photos is way down my list at the moment.

I love doing that kind of thing so I see it as a bit of a reward for myself to spend an hour or so scanning old photos. I've got loads. I've also invested in a slide scanner and another scanner that converts old 8mm home movies into digital movies, and have seen my grandad moving for the first time ever (he died before I was born).

Agree it's not a high priority but is something I'm looking forward to finally sorting as a retirement job. Mum was terrible for putting photos in carrier bags and bunging them in random places. Dad put his younger days in albums and labelled them, but the albums are now disintegrating and the photos falling out. My aim is to sort them all out, put in new albums where appropriate and label them all with names where I can identify them. Also scanning and putting them in a shared folder for anyone else in the family to access.

@Kirschcherries I totally get it. I am 18 months into this. I handed over a big bag to a company in the first instance, about 4 weeks ago. Doing it myself isn't an option as I am many years off retirement with kids at home. Take your time as @funnelfan said and do this when you are ready. I am just desperate to have my life back, to remember the good bits, not be swamped with "stuff" that isn't mine or I choose to keep (Mum was a hoarder) and carry on living. Mum is well cared for, I can't do any more for her and I won't leave this sort of mess for my DC so it is only now I can think about it.

I suspect I will still be trawling through this all in 3 years time 😁

@Lastknownaddress I do it in bursts - I’m still clearing DMs flat as the property market is dead as a Dodo. Fortunately DM & DD did a bulk downsize about two years before DD died. Like you it’s going to take me a long time so each box is a positive step.

Like you my DM being well cared for is what is important.

It has made me look at my home and realise I need to declutter. I am slowly getting rid of my books - I love them but only read a kindle so its sentiment rather than need.

@Lastknownaddress I am so glad that this stage is easing for you now.

We havent even begun to think about clearing DM's home. DB has been very cagey around allowing people in to it. Insisting on accompanying me when I went to get clothes for DM.

It will come as a shock to him when he realises that, when DM goes, her things dont become his ours. We have to administer her estate but it all goes to DGCs. I dont think he has done anything nefarious but he does like control.

Ill be moving in with my parents when I retire in 3 years as I dont want them to go into a nursing home. Ill probably rent my house out as we live on opposite sides of the country.
Ive been an RN since 1983 so I know what to expect. My siblings live abroad but they will be around a lot.
I know my mum would just shrivel up and die in a home.
My dad wont be alive much longer.
Its not ideal but Im the only one not married. I have an adult DS who has long left home.
I know there will be irritants especially my mums habit of waking me up at 2am asking me if Im awake.
The answer is always I am now!!!

Is there a seat for me with a VERY large G and T. Another week another of DM's chest infections which is much worst with the heat. Back on the merry go round of GP/ ambulance/ medication. Not poorly enough to be admitted to hospital but then health problems are never resolved. I am stressed, tired and menopausal and cried in the Chemist today!

Hello I was on the previous thread but slipped off when the new one started, will read back a bit to catch up.

My reason for coming back is that Mum isn't coping at home but I think moving her somewhere smaller in the current housing market might take so long she would need to bypass it and go straight into a home her memory is deteriorating so badly. No carers yet, she manages personal care but the house is impossible so we are thinking housekeeping/PA help rather than personal initially.

Currently sitting with DM. She is now on morphine and medazolam. Mostly sleeping but occasionally wakes and starts whimpering. When I hold her hand there is almost no grip there and a lot of the time she doesnt seem to be aware.

Is this the begining of the end?

I know nobody knows.

Sister is still staying over with Mum and putting pressure on us to pitch in. Having siblings who don't have boundaries makes this even harder as we are saying no twice - to my mum and my sister, who constantly has a go at us for having boundaries because it's not fair on her.
There are no toileting issues, it was just being used as a reason for us to stay, she can make her way to the toilet during the day and the night - it's anxiety, she no longer wants to be alone at night - and her anxiety never gets better.
This can't go on but sister seems determined to allow Mum to chose when she goes into a home and is determined she will not make that decision because she isn't getting the care at home - big clue here is that Mum will not choose to move to a home if the world bends to meet her needs - she no longer cares about the burden on us. Think we're in for another round of abuse from her this weekend.

@GnomeDePlume Your mum seems at peace - must be a relief she is getting the pain relief she needs.

Does anyone know how to convert a video cassette made from home movies into something that can be watched now? It's a poor quality video cassette

I have seen this company recommended on FB - we have an old DVD with some video on it that doesn’t work on any device we’ve got and have been meaning to contact them to ask

https://mrscan.co.uk/digital-video-film-scanning-services/

@GnomeDePlume I’m thinking of you and hoping your DM is as comfortable as possible 💐