Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

@GnomeDePlume sending best wishes

I mean to do this too. Both DM and DF appeared on TV news items in the past and I have the videos. DF was Pick of the week on Radio 4 once and I wish I had a recording of that.
DS has done some digitisation for me in the past (he does digital stuff for archives for a living) so I should set him to work.

@GnomeDePlume wishing you and DM peace.

Large gins , wine or comforting tea to @Beetrootfrizz, @GnomeDePlume, @Tennas, in fact everyone stuck on this mad merry-go-round.

Mil is still in hospital, wound healing on, dementia increasing but skin massively improving (turns out it wasn’t scabies after all thank goodness, but dermatitis from not being washed properly in weeks - did I mention how ineffective the carers were?!). She’s struggling with eating though, little appetite. Onwards we plod.

to all, whatever stage of this you’re at. Look after yourselves, it’s a brutal journey…

@GnomeDePlume Hoping your Mum is pain free now and this final stage won't be too long.

@Tennas I am in a very similar situation. I don't really have any advice, just sympathy. My Mum also spent a long time claiming that she had various physical needs to have someone staying with her ('falls' etc) before it became clear that she just doesn't feel comfortable being along any more. I think this means she needs to move to some form of residential care. Mum and brother won't hear of it and think that the only matter to consider is how to split staying with her. I do lots of other things for her but, after having stayed with her for weeks when she first started her 'falls', this is an absolute no for me.

Miracle - After communicating with me, the Memory Clinic Associate Practitioner contacted him and somehow talked him into keeping the appointment. She told me to send her a list of the behaviours for the Memory Nurse.

Good lesson - he won't take anything from me - I have work in the background, which is fine.

@GnomeDePlume sounds like it. But might still be days. It's an odd time, every minute lasts a hundred years.

My ER seemed ok today despite the heat. The tax return is done.
"How do I pay less income tax?"
"HAVE LESS MONEY Give some to charity," I said.

Recently I passed through the town where her mother grew up, so I could show her some photos from that. My OH was a good not-son and went to stock up on milk and bananas. (The car has aircon so it's nicer than the house!)

She didn't bring up the subject of all-day or live-in care so I had to ask. I didn't say, "I told you so" when it turned out the carer she got in for 1 or 2 days, she didn't like, and she realised she did indeed much prefer a rota of different people! Which is what I'd said.

Has anyone else noticed 'carer platitudes'?

Being told that the elderly person is 'fine', 'calm' etc etc. It's then only after a little while that you will be told that they had a difficult morning, rejected medicines and spat out food.

I dont want platitudes, I'm a grown up, I can cope with the reality.

DM had almost nothing to drink yesterday. She has the mouth swab things which seem to help.

DB suggested she should be put on a fluids drip but accepted it when I told him that would mean hospital and would possibly be worse for DM. Extending dying rather than prolonging life.

@MysterOfwomanY you are right about time extending. I remember this with DF as well.

I want this to be over. I go to bed half expecting to get a call in the night.

@GnomeDePlume yes I do remember carer platitudes well. I’m an adult and was his LPA, talked to medical professionals on his behalf. I needed to know.

I hope you managed to get some sleep 💐

@GnomeDePlume I remember when Pope JPII was on his way out, they said he was "serene", and that has been a dark in-joke in our house ever after.

Thinking of you @GnomeDePlume…and I totally get your frustration with being given platitudes. Why are we so rubbish at dealing with death?? Well done for standing your ground re the drip.

@GnomeDePlume I hope your mum has been comfortable today.

Are there any other retirement apartment providers or do McCarthy and Stone have the market sewn up?

Thank you for the supportive messages. DM had a better day today, probably helped by a combination of better pain relief and cooler weather.

Of course DB now thinks DM shouldnt be on morphine. Once more he is stirring with the care and nursing staff. It's embarrassing.

@MittensTheKittens looking in my area McCarthy Stone do look to have the majority of the market. Looking on RightMove there do seem to be a lot of MS places for sale. 'Secondhand' the prices dont look so bad though obviously there will be management fees to pay and restrictions.

Hello, I’m a returner from some years ago. When my dad was terminally ill I had a lot of support and advice here, but mum had been doing very well on her own since then.
We’ve now reached the stage where it’s getting hard again. She’s let us apply for LPA this time at least. She’s at that stage where her independence is causing the problems. Booking holidays without knowing how she’ll get there, or get currency, or manage her bags. Arranging broadband, TV and phone package with two different suppliers, etc etc. Paying large amounts to the wrong business.

So it looks like I’ll be joining you again! I’ll go back and read up, see what’s going on! Hopefully there’s a spare seat and a strong coffee for a newbie!

That's what I'm finding... Doesn't seem to much else.

There is a McCarthy and Stone round the corner, which would be ideal. But also... McCarthy and Stone horror stories. 😱

Also selling moving to my mum will be an adventure in it's self, she doesn't do difficult in any shape or form and never has done.
If she can get away with not doing something, she won't and she hasn't moved in 41 years 😱

Welcome, there is always a spare seat and coffee.

And there is a handy wall for banging your head on if you need it.

The retirement apartments are really small, there doesn’t seem to be room for much beyond a couple of recliner chairs and a tv.
I moved DM from a very large 5 bed house to a 3 bed bungalow. I was still desperately giving furniture away the week of the move, and we still ended up with a sofa left on the drive.

She was totally unable to visualise the reduction in space, despite me having drawn up a floor plan with each piece of furniture on it. “I’ve decided to keep that drawer unit.” “Ok, where would you like to put it? There? Ok, well that’s where the sofa is, so where will we put that sofa? Right, so what will we do with the grandfather clock?…”

She’d have to approach it like packing for a holiday, I think.

You can tell which wall it is by the well worn padding.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn

Luckily the loft was emptied 20 years ago for loft insulation and the kitchen was replaced 10 years ago so some of the absolute nonsense was dealt with then (my baby clothes/toys mismatching Tupperware etc).

But, we need to get to the end of the referrals and work out what's going on, before I start suggesting anything too dramatic.
The GP was told to send her to endocrinology by the hospital but has decided to free style it and is sending her to another department. Of course my mum didn't get the name of it... I hope it's the falls clinic who seems to take a holistic view?
We wait in anticipation for the appointment letter 🙄

That’s an excellent start, @MittensTheKittens. We have a tip shop, raising money for charity with items too good for the tip. We took half a boot load to the tip, and came home with- I kid you not- a desk chair, a kitchen bin and a ceramic sink.

The endless medical appointments are proving tricky. We don’t have health and wellbeing LPA applied for yet. I might ask her to check I’m registered at her GP, it would be at least one thing I could check for her. She’s begun going to the place for appointment A at the time of appointment B. And there are appointments for her memory, her blood pressure, her hearing, her eyes, her shoulder…

DM is now off morphine and medazolam. A combination of a different nurse and DB's stirring.

Probably as a result of the weather cooling a bit DM seems to have stabilised after last week's crisis. But as with every crisis what we have got back is less. DM seems a lot weaker, mostly sleeping but we are back to quiet distress when she does wake.

I’m sorry, @GnomeDePlume. That’s such a shame. It’s unkind all round to prolong the experience, imo. Is he there, seeing it?
Does one or other of you have the PoA? No one did, with Dad. Mum was after aggressive treatment long after he should have been slipping quietly away.

I’m so sorry @GnomeDePlume my dad passed two weeks ago and he had a rally in the two weeks before the end. In his case it only gave him days but we were told at the time to expect weeks. I found the changes and uncertainty very stressful. I hope your mum is kept comfortable, quiet distress is still distress. 💐In dads case, the palliative care team were excellent at ensuring he had the right pain relief.

You'd hope turning up to the memory clinic on the wrong day/wrong location would set some alarm bells ringing? 🤔

@GnomeDePlume - stability is all you can ask for at this point.x