Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

I appreciate you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t @bigdogpaws. However I don’t think your mum is going to go on this holiday either way. Going over to save the day wrt packing just reinforces in your brothers mind that all is fine if only you would cooperate with him more.

Nothing will change with your mums situation without a crisis. I know you want to protect your mum but you’re still fixing issues and keeping this shit show afloat when it really needs to sink. (I speak as a recovering fixer myself).

@funnelfan I think I know at some level that you're right. It's just so bloody difficult to work out what to do and how to handle this. If she doesn't go, she (and all her extended family who I am not close to but who will be quick to contact me to tell me what I should be doing) will completely expect that I will go and stay with her, or bring her to me, the second that she realises she does not want to be on her own. She can just about manage to make herself some basic food but Brother would not get anything suitable in for her (possibly thoughtlessly, probably deliberately so that I have to go over). She also always has awful, frightening delusions when she is alone for long. So she would definitely be calling me in a state and expecting me to look after her. If she can't get hold of me extended family members will 'helpfully' call me until I answer (this has happened before when I was not available). She is unlikely to do anything to cause herself physical harm (she won't leave the house without someone with her) but she will be scared and calling me constantly day and night.

I know what you mean about needing a crisis to change anything but my fear is that even if I allow this crisis to happen she will not meet the threshold of danger for social services to force any changes and even they will have the expectation that I will step in 'Just until Brother gets back'. So I fear that even if I let the crisis happen I will still end up picking up the pieces and reenforcing Brother's idea that he can ignore everything I say and I will still be the fall back to sort things out when they go wrong. I really don't know what to do to avoid this sort of thing happening repeatedly until such time as Mum's needs get so complex that even he has to admit she needs outside help.

@bigdogpaws if your brother pulls this trick on you and you end up doing the caring I would immediately hand over all care to him on his return and make it clear why you are doing so. Even if it does not end up lasting long due to your caring nature he needs a wake up call

@bigdogpaws your brother is a piece of work isn’t he. From everything you’ve said over the last few weeks I think he has a long term plan to move his family back into your mother’s house and contrive to be the sole inheritor when the time comes, due to having “cared for” her. Until then he’s just using you. It’s a terribly difficult emotional blackmail situation. I appreciate you might not have the stomach for this, given your Mum’s vulnerability, but I’d be tempted to absent yourself elsewhere for the holiday and be completely uncontactable. It would be hard but it might force the real crisis.

Tell them you will be away yourself and house sitting & dog sitting for a friend !

Discharged from hospital on Monday.

Readmitted with chest pain this evening.

FFS

Anyway it turned out NOT to have been a heart attack, but I've now got costochondritis which is v. painful but not dangerous.

Costochondritis - Symptoms & causes - Mayo Clinic https://share.google/9W7OnJX8eLfhxx0pP

I'm not having much luck lately.(!)
Still, I don't have any infuriating brothers to have to deal with.
And since I graduated from this series of threads about a year ago (name changed) I haven't even got an elderly relative to do my head in.

IYSWIM

Sorry so many of you are struggling with crappy brothers

My contribution is my two vile sisters. Monkey and I often discussed them on the Stately Homes threads.

Pair of cows. Went NC with them three years ago. Best thing I ever did 🤣🤣
I had another, lovely sister but she died of leukaemia ten years ago. We adored each other.

He definitely has a plan to have Mum's house for himself. When it became clear that Mum was not well he expected that I would just move her in with me (he said this in no uncertain terms) and told me I must not do anything with the house until he had time to think about it. The way he spoke about it seemed odd and I wondered at the time if perhaps his relationship was in trouble and he was hoping to move back in alone, but now I wonder if he was actually hoping to somehow take it for his family. He has always had the view that I have everything easy but he needs lots of help so I wonder if he was planning to persuade Mum to just give it to him. The idea of him moving in to look after Mum seems to be a bit of a Plan B, and I don't think he's thought through the small issue of actually having to look after an elderly woman with dementia. I actually think I feel a bit sorry for his partner.
I have considered having a 'work trip' to coincide with Brother's holiday but I worry that they will just assume she can contact DH instead (they all know he has a job where he can't take time off at this time of year so he can't also be away). There's really not an easy answer- it feels like dealing with frustrated toddlers who constantly want something that's impossible (I remember one of mine being tired and having a tantrum because he wanted the trousers he was wearing to be a different colour but didn't want to have to change them for a pair that were that colour) only they actually have the power to make adult type decisions.

Glad it wasn't a heart problem, but this must have been a really frightening few days for you.

I'm also on the Stately Homes thread (under a different name just because I name change occasionally and keep forgetting to change back for continuing threads). I've noticed how often awful siblings seem to take more and more when parents are well but expect everyone else to deal with the difficult side of elderly care (whilst dictating how that's done of course). I think all the stress of dealing with this can have real physical effects on our health. It's one of the reasons I am being so 'difficult' now- I really don't want to burn myself out trying to care for mum because she 'wants' to be looked after by family when what she clearly 'needs' is for us to plan proper professional care.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne so sorry about your illnesses, but lovely to see you back on the thread.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne glad you are back and hope you feel completely better soon

@bigdogpaws it’s such a dilemma. I feel for you.

@bigdogpaws I had an aunt who, over time, acquired DGM's assets.

DGM and Aunt had bought a house with an annexe together. DGM provided significantly more than 50% of the purchase price. By the time DGM died almost all the money had disappeared. Aunt had just absorbed the money. Think around £300-£400k just gone.

Aunt and uncle were always financially inept. Normal paid employment was beneath them. They tried the leeching act with another wealthy but vulnerable adult. Thankfully his family saw through them.

@GnomeDePlume There's definitely some general leeching happening too, but to be honest this has been happening all his adult life (Brother only took over paying his own phone bills when Dad died). It's pretty clear from her bank statements that he has been using her card a lot. I'm sure they'd say it's just to make up for the cost of having her staying but it's a lot more than I would say is reasonable. She's still paying her own household bills which already eat in to her savings so this is just reducing her savings more quickly. Mum won't challenge this (I have spoken to her about it) and I'm sure he justifies it to himself as being cheaper than getting carers in, which is true but it still really doesn't sit right with me.
Initially Mum had asked me to be sole finance LPA, but now Brother is trying to insist that it's joint as he'll be living with her. I really don't want that, because I know that he won't do any of the careful decision making and record keeping that goes with doing it properly (or any of the actual time consuming dealing with finances) but just wants to be able to continue accessing her money. I've said it needs to be just me, or just him (or someone entirely different) which of course means it has not been done yet.

Between (multiple ) phone calls from one of the carers and mildly gnomic texts and phone conversations with ER, I... think... she has changed her mind about wanting more care (24h or 12h) .

Also, her legs "went" yesterday and she stayed in bed today. I know it's stupid hot but I do wonder if there's Something Up. It could just be the heat, the meds, a virus....

I am very practiced now at doing my best not to worry (or even get pulled into) affairs where I can't make a positive difference.
As long as she has a few visits a day and can use her phone and falls alarm she's reasonably safe.

I wonder if she discovered (as I suspected and one of the carers warned me) that the staff available for the long shifts or live-in tended more towards the younger overseas ones who don't know what a poached egg is (§), rather than the older ones (of all nationalities) who are more seasoned and have better quality gossip, and rapidly did a U-turn.

I am now at the other end of the country so, crucially, I am - for the next week - no longer the nearest relative.

§ Which is not surprising if you come from somewhere that's not a normal dish, fair

I am new to this thread
dm in hospital, aged 91,
after a night on the floor at the weekend.
chest infection, urine infection,
urine retention.
still in hospital, awaiting discharge either rehab or home .
i am thinking home.
unsure how to alert my work my future plans tbh. not that i know my plans, have been on leave this week anyway.

Glad you are okay @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne although costochondritis is extremely painful. I hope it gets better soon.

@bigdogpaws yes it is like Disney parenting, do the fun stuff, but when things get tough hand them back. Not so DUncle dumped my DGM on my DM as soon as she needed more help after encouraging her to move to Scotland late in life. This necessitated another move back to England from Scotland and a new emergency LPOA, so that my DM could pay for her to to be comfortable at the end of her life and have palliative care in a nursing home. At one point my DM was sleeping on her small bedroom floor when she came out of hospital because the bank wouldn't deal with her, so she couldn't put care in place.

In news here DF has now been registered blind, his macular degeneration has deteriorated so rapidly that even in the last 3 weeks the scans show the vision in his better eye has reduced. Opthalmology are discharging him and there is nothing more they can do. He has been struggling with identifying day and night since he came out of hospital and now phones hourly after his evening carer leaves to ask if it is bedtime. Yesterday he phoned DH at 3pm thinking it was time for bed.

Hello! Thank you for the new thread. I’ve not been posting but do try and have a catch up once a week or so.
Things are ok here, except for incompetence from the care agency and some of the carers. I might post separately about that for some advice. I was getting really stressed a few weeks ago and feeling like burn out was approaching but I’m ok now. I had two whole days off on Wednesday and Thursday!!! It was too hot to be going up to mum’s.
Hugs to all. It’s tough x

Has your DF had a referral to the rnib or other sight services? They were one of the few agencies that were helpful when my mums macular degeneration was deteriorating. Someone came round and left a load of magnifiers and most helpful of all was a speaking clock. Like a big red button, press it and it tells the time.

They were all free, mum tried to insist she should pay for them but they wouldn’t accept it and I got the grumbles. She was simultaneously touched by the generosity and insulted/frustrated that she needed “charity”. Which I think sums up the entire getting old experience.

@funnelfan yes we had the low vision service out before when he was declared partially sighted. They gave him a handheld magnifying glass that he refused to use for six months. They recommended an electronic magnifier which he said he wanted so we purchased it then he refused to use it along with the TV glasses magnifier. I bought him a speaking clock but he refused to press the button, didn't look at it and now has turned it off altogether so he just phones hourly instead. TBH the way his dementia is progressing I don't think he can learn how to use new tech now anyway.

He also has hearing issues, but refuses to get his hearing checked. He told the Ophthalmologist at the appointment that his hearing is fine, he has no dementia/memory problems and his mobility is fine despite sitting there in a wheelchair in front of her. He is retreating into his own world/sleeping all day with the TV and the radio on very loud.

Oh that’s sounds so familiar. Mum loved her speaking clock until her dementia progressed to the point she couldn’t process what it said any more. She also retreated into her world - well her bed to be precise - with the TV on very loud, on the same channel 24 hours a day.

I think if someone has vision and/or hearing problems it makes dementia progression much worse. For her type of dementia at least, I think there is an element of use it or lose it. Not talking to anyone, not reading any more, not listening to music any more really didn’t help her. Not sure how it could have gone any differently though. If she’d have agreed to go into her care home 12-18 months earlier than she did, she’d have really benefited from the outings and events they do. But she still had “capacity” at that point so 🤷‍♀️

Definitely use it or lose it, every time he has gone into hospital he has had less stimulation and his cognition deteriorated further. The lighting has been poor so he did not do his previously favoured activities like sudoku or crossword even when I brought a table lamp in. The last admission he just slept all day. He has even stopped listening to sport on the radio because he can't follow the games anymore.

@funnelfan Interesting to hear you say that about hearing/vision problems. My DM has had macular degeneration for a few years and her vision is now pretty poor. She can use her speaking clock and one small hand held magnifying glass but refuses to use other aids to help her see. We've tried a few things and I suspect because they are unfamiliar even fairly simple things like a bigger magnifier feel complicated and unusable to her. It means that almost everything she would previously have done to amuse/occupy herself when she was on her own are impossible now. She likes to watch TV but can't see the guide to choose a programme (and can't understand how if we try to demonstrate easier ways), can't read even large print books, can't work out how to switch on any device to play an audio book, can't bake/cook and can't safely go for a walk on her own. So unless she has someone with her she is really just sitting alone with her thoughts, which I'm sure is making her intrusive thoughts/delusions worse.
Sadly she and brother will not consider residential care. I feel certain that she would be happier even if she doesn't physically need lots of care right now, just because she would have someone around who could help her put the TV on/start an audio book, have a chat etc.

It’s definitely a thing - the memory clinic consultant strongly encouraged us to explore hearing aids and referred mum for an at-home hearing test. They duly issued some hearing aids but by then mum’s cognitive powers were way beyond dealing with them and they were never used.

@Marshtit I'd want rehab in your position or at the least a comprehensive package of care. We moved FIL in with us last year after a broken arm. A couple of weeks turned into five very stressful months as it opened a health can of worms. Whether your DM will agree to care is of course a whole other thing...

thank you @Mumbles12

@Marshtit it's so hard when the crisis hits. How was she at home before this? And are you geographically nearby or do you have long journeys to manage to see her. The one thing I'd not do again would be to move a parent in with us again. Especially when they refused any paid help.