Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

@countrygirl99 is your brother best mates with mine? This male arrogance is appalling.

Arrogance is right.

One of the challagning situations that I am dealing with is regarding house repairs and leaks. It shouldn't be a hard job when you find an issue and to get it repaired but my mother is delaying with apathy and has aggression. It's impoosble to get anything fixed.

One of my brothers came home a the year before last and found a leak and he started shouting at me and my mother for the leak. I was t able to defend myself right there in front of her and tell him that I tried to get it fixed but the mother was refusing. He went storming and sulking off shouting at us that you can't be ignoring leaks.

Well I fucking know that.

He has no idea what our mother is putting me through.

@MrMay i think the advice you received on that last thread still stands. Stop battling with your mum about things that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things or cause anyone harm and focus your energy on finding a solution that enables you to move out.

@countrygirl99 could you manage to bat anything from the care home to your brother on the grounds that he insisted on that home?

@BeMintFatball that sounds awful about your DM, how horrible for you to have seen that and then have her deny it.

@ManchesterMonkeyin some ways a dementia diagnosis is a bit of a red herring. Regardless of what it says, you know yourself if the person you love is exhibiting failing faculties. I worry that you have a small window to move DM closer to you before it becomes too tricky, but maybe if it gets to that point you can move her straight to a home ( if she has enough money) which reduces the caring burden a lot.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne All best wishes for your recovery. I hope you are getting the treatment you need and that you are being looked after.

@MrMay I can only echo what has been said by PPs. You need to work on getting to the point where you can move out. It doesnt matter what is up with your DM whether it is dementia or something else.

Don't worry. I'm having nothing to do with any care home issues. But I'm holding off on visiting because I'm worried she'll seemed as a potential rescuer as I was the only one who used to take her on outings even if it was only the supermarket, the garden centre up the road or for coffee and cake.

@rookiemere i totally agree. I’m not sure whether I am seeing cognitive decline or not, so it’s reassuring to have it checked out. I think it’s far better to know and then make decisions based on fact and make decisions based on what can be achieved sensibly.

I think my Corporate Golden Boy Brother in Europe thinks I love being dramatic and I’m overthinking things.

But it’s ok for me to carry the can on dealing with mum’s health, home and taking her out. Because of the stupid house trust my dad set up, we are all involved in financial decision making because my mum is, frankly, crap with money. But my mantra is it’s her home and her health and well-being.

And I could see how hurt my mum was that she won’t see her grandchildren this summer.

My WhatsApp message on the memory assessment received no acknowledgement bar a link to a Guardian article about the Andy Burnham result from my youngest brother.

I can’t be arsed. Going to a spa with my pals today for my friend’s birthday and going to enjoy that. I will put it all over Instagram and CGB can judge me as someone who lives champagne but pleads poverty. The actual twat said to me earlier this year ‘how many holidays did you have last year?’
I go camping in Wales with my mate. 😂

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Sending and like pp I hope you are being looked after.
@ManchesterMonkey Even (especially?) if your Mum does get a dementia diagnosis I think moving to be closer to you has to be the best thing for her. It would just mean you have to think differently about where she could move to.
Some of my family members thought I was being overly dramatic too when I encouraged mum to get assessed. From comments on this thread I think some sons are particularly good at only seeing what they want to see when it comes to these things. Right up to the day of the diagnosis my brother was arguing that there was nothing wrong. In my case the diagnosis has forced other people to accept that there need to be some changes made to mum's living arrangements and the help she needs (even though they still don't seem to have a realistic view of how her needs will increase). One word of warning though, if you've just had the initial GP check and they tell you the result is fine but you still think she's not right I would push for a referral anyway if you can. Mum's initial GP assessment apparently showed nothing to worry about but Mum and I both know that there was something wrong so the GP did agree to refer to the next stage. If she hadn't I think we'd have been waiting even longer to get a diagnosis, which was very clear as the full assessments test for much more than just basic memory.

Yes I recognise the situation from previous threads when the op was under a different name and from memory she also lived with her mother and it was suggested to her that she moved out because she was finding the difficult behaviours so trying .

Well, it's been an exciting week at TheseAreSexPeople Towers. I have been signed off work with stress for the first time in my 42 years. Stepfather has, when directly questioned, maintained that he can manage on his own, do own cleaning/shopping/tablets. The wheels are falling off very fast as his bank called me today with concerns about his capacity. He is now no longer in control of his finances following a very long conversation with the LPA department of the bank. They were so, so lovely.

Meanwhile, stepfather seems to have taken strange amounts of his medications. This evening I heated up a meal for him as he has just been eating cereal.

I have a meeting with his other Bank in Monday and a solicitor on Thursday.

I have honestly never felt so distressed, my sleep is fucked. My resting heart rate has gone from ~60 to 105 and I keep bursting into tears.

He is going to go off when he finds out he doesn't control money any more. There is a horrible part of me that just wishes he would hit me, just once, and then it would be over.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE sounds very stressful. And today is Father’s Day , I imagine this will be an extra tricky day to handle. Hope you have people who can support you. I phone Samaritans when my situation gets on top of me . You don’t need to be suicidal to call and they listen without trying to fix you

Thank you. Before all this kicked off I had booked for us all to go to the pub for lunch but I have cancelled that. Must wrap my husband's presents.

Given my biological father's indifference and my stepfather's abuse and dementia, I don't really consider that I have a father.

Thank you. I think any kind of diagnosis will have to force a conversation. . Very good chat with my friend yesterday who has been through the same situation (including family fracture) she said think now about what could happen in five years time. If my mum does have the beginnings of dementia, as it’s obvious that she will need more support which in her current house can’t be achieved as eso the option is to find a rental flat around here that she can live in safely with a growing number of adjustments and more than the one care visit she has a week . It is so infuriating that my brothers are avoiding a simple conversation and if she does get all clear what could happen in six months? It’s like things will reach crisis point before sensible conversations are had. Frustrating isn’t the word!

My DB was very slow to recognise that DM had dementia. Up until diagnosis he was insistent that DM had anything but dementia.

This was because, to him, nice intelligent people didnt get dementia. Dementia was something people got if they stopped trying. All part of his world view that anything bad has to be somebody's fault.

The scales have slowly slipped from his eyes as DM has slowly declined.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to everyone struggling.

Probably outing to anyone who knows me irl but travelled hours yesterday to be at a get together for ‘DF’s birthday (a big one) arranged by my DSis. His wife (I will never call that woman a step mother) was there trying to play happy families when the reality is she has done everything she possibly could to divide us since shortly before they married hastily without inviting us as I was pregnant and they “didn’t think I would want to travel” (didn’t ask mind you). As a result he has no real relationship with his eldest grandchildren and our relationship has been irreparably damaged. As much his choice as hers I guess but I sometimes feel like he hates me which is definitely since she was on the scene. He was looking very very frail and shaky. I don’t think we will ever be able to really reconcile.

DH is at his mums doing the usual sunday routine of running her house and admin for her. Managed to sort a lie-in with breakfast in bed for him at least.

DS (think classic failure to launch teen) is doing stupid things again, just when I thought we were finally seeing some signs of maturity.

All in all feeling really low today.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive huge hugs. What a toxic situation.

@GnomeDePlume i think that’s Corporate Golden Boy’s attitude.

Nice middle class clever people don’t get dementia and they certainly don’t move from a leafy village to a not so posh suburb in Manchester (PERFECTLY safe, good transport links, good doctors, supermarket, cute suburb with pubs and cafes near by) to be near their daughter and SIL. I want to suggest that she move to his massive house in very posh German town with lovely granny flat (lined up for his MIL so as not to lose the inheritance on her valuable house) He’s got it all mapped out. How much money does he actually need? His daughters will get a free EU higher education, although he wants Oxbridge for them like we had. Status. He is a fucking idiot.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive Sounds like you're having a difficult time and up against lots at the moment.

@ManchesterMonkey I can sympathise. Even now that we have a definitive diagnosis for Mum, Brother refuses to engage in any discussion about what her future needs might be. I know that nothing will change until the next crisis, when once again I will be expected to go in and sort things out. I have just persuaded Mum that it would be really nice for her to go to a local day-care centre for a taster session, with a view to perhaps going there one afternoon a week to get to know some new people. I've positioned this as a social group, just for a bit of entertainment and company but I think it will really help her mental health and also help her see that help from 'outsiders' is not scary, so it won't be as daunting if/when she actually really needs this. Brother's reaction to this is 'She doesn't need any of that! She has us!' I know that when her needs do inevitably increase he will act as though he had no idea it would happen- which in my view is almost neglectful when I have printed information about her conditions for him to read and a quick google would easily provide him with lots more information about how things progress. Brother has always had a sense of superiority (with nothing to back it up!) and sees paid care, especially residential care, as something that only lesser people would consider- plus of course the fact that it all comes at a cost. His stance at the moment is that he and his partner look after Mum so none of this is my business. I am keeping a diary of all the times that Mum calls me distressed because she has been left alone, times that I am expected to drop everything to sort something out because they can't manage it, things that she needs that she can't access because the their living arrangements etc. I know to anyone who does not know the full story that sounds really petty but I worry that we could get to a stage where she's not safe but she and Brother pretend that everything's fine.
It sounds like in your case the House Trust is making it impossible for you and your mum to just organise the move without your brothers' agreement. Do you think it would be possible for you (with your mum 'in' on what you are doing) to tell them that you are only willing to be involved in helping your mum/organising care etc if she lives near to you so if they don't agree to the move they need to organise between them who will be on call for the next crisis and arrange to each take time off to help for the forseeable future? Could you check what the Trust Deed says about how decisions should be made (eg. are they to be for your mum's benefit etc) and ask them to explain how going against her sensible wishes for care fits with this?

I have been a beneficiary of the wonderful advice on this thread for many years. I was my mother’s whipping boy for 70 years and later of her husband. I did everything for them and it was such a relief when they died.

My brother never did any thing and like so many of the relatives on here made things worse by his arrogance and cruelty.

My brother is now trying to relocate to England as his wife has vascular dementia. Because of his wealth he found a luxury assisted living accommodation. in a converted stately home.

Relocating to England has not been the easy transition he assumed He has come majorly unstuck as houses like his in France are difficult to sell. The mansion flat he has owned in England has been on the market for 8 months with only two viewings. When he phoned recently he was so ‘poor me’. I feel really sorry for my SIL as I can already sense how irritated he is with her.

It looks like they are going to be stuck abroad for the foreseeable future .

@ManchesterMonkey have you decided yet on your mum renting or buying somewhere near you? Because I was wondering if renting would be dependent on releasing the cash from selling the house. If your mum really wants to move, could she afford to rent somewhere anyway and then you deal with the house and trust on a separate timeline?

Grrrrrrr re your brother. Yes, if he deigned to Google he would see that mental stimulation like a social group would help your mum and make her less reliant on you in that way. You’ve read uo, why can’t he? Oh yeah, £££££.

Like you, I’m expected to drop everything to support my mum. Corporate Golden Boy actually said that my mum could go down to the Flake’s house (other brother) down south for a couple of months as ‘respite care’ and ‘to give me a break’. So, he, obviously, knows I’m the carer and bearing the brunt. My mum told him she doesn’t want the upheaval.

I messaged the twats this AM to check in with mum to remind her to stay hydrated. Blue tick, but no response. So, I phone mum to check in.

I think I’m going to have a serious talk with mum about moving, seeing a solicitor to understand the trust and understand whether the siblings and I have equal POA. She can make decisions now as there is no problem with her cognition. I’ve started to look at rental flats here. She could easily afford one with change left over from renting her house. There is a sheltered flat a mile from here with a warden etc.

My brothers are selfish fuck pigs.

Luckily, her house is highly rentable. Nice village, very good schools in the next village. Very good size for a family.

Then she’d have £ to rent somewhere cheaper round here and it would free up money so she’s got more. She spent all her money and now relies on state pension. She’s skint.

Corporate Golden Boy suggests that, despite the house being a Fucking barn thst cos it’s ££££ to heat, that she switch on her heating in November and switch it off in March. NO WORDS. It’s north facing and even I, who doesn’t feel the cold, feel icy there. I bet he’s not suggesting the heating methodology to his mother in law…

Sounds like a horribly familiar story. My Mum also has a huge house that costs a fortune to heat (plus money for a gardener etc that Dad organised when he couldn't do it any more) but bugger all income so she is working her way through her (not very substantial) savings all the time. She should have been well provided for but our parents took lump sums from pensions and even took out an equity release when Dad first retired to enable them to stay in the big house and support Brother (then living with them rent free and doing bugger all). The house is in need of quite a lot of maintenance/refurbishment really so there's quite a lot of expense likely on that in the near future too (not least a new boiler). I think if she sold up now, with the equity she still owns in her house and the savings she still has she could buy a care annuity that would enable her to be looked after for the rest of her life. But Brother is determined to keep her in her house and move his family in (no doubt at her expense- there has been no suggestion of so much as a contribution to bills and if he lifted a finger to help with any DIY or gardening it would be the first time, despite having lived there until only a few years ago). It's frustrating and depressing, but unfortunately all Mum can see is 'I don't want anything to change and my lovely boy says it can all stay the same and he will look after me'. So I suspect I will be faced with either having to try to find a care home for her when funds are depleted even further, there's the complication of someone else living in her house, and things have hit crisis and Brother has to admit he can't care for her. Or try to involve social services when it becomes obvious she's not getting the care she needs whilst Brother tries to pretend everything's fine so he doesn't get kicked out of the house.
Every so often, Mum lets slip comments that must have come from conversations with Brother and his partner. They latest was '[Brother] says they will have to move their mortgage to my house- why do they need to do that?'. I'm sure Brother would say this is just a dementia misunderstanding but I think his plan may well be to eventually take Mum's house and just get a mortgage to repay the equity release. Which would explain the desire to move in with mum, since he would be effectively swapping a tiny house in a run down area for a big house in a nice area. The fly in the ointment is that Mum actually needs proper care.

That’s very good news, fingers crossed that the solicitor advises that you and your mum can go ahead and big billy bollocks can swing. I do think from your previous posts that you’ve got a small window of opportunity for your mum to cope with a move and still live relatively independently.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne *ing hell. Hope you're being looked after

Hearing everyone's stories I'm kind of relieved it's "just me" - no relations anywhere near Elderly Relative. Even I am well over an hour away at the best of times. I do have a B but he moved to the other end of the country and cut contact with everyone years ago and TBH I'm kind of grateful - at least he's not making things worse!

It was my birthday recently and I missed my DM (who's been gone for over six years now). We used to like buying presents for each other. My stepmum is a good'un but it's not the same - and Elderly Relative I would see once or twice a year (and after COVID it took quite a bit of pressure from me for even that to happen).

ER has been talking about getting live in care and someone from the GP surgery has rung me about this. I was - well, the woman said, "thank you for being candid", (does this mean "brutally frank I am not going to swoop in and devote my life to magically solving problems that can't actually be solved"?) and I said, "I hope I was civil and constructive"...
I was clear I didn't think there was any point in them sending bumf about live-in care to me instead of directly to ER. (Who does, in fact, arrange her own care, cleaner, plumber, hairdresser, gardener, medical appointments etc.)

I said as much by text to ER later and got no explanation.
So I suspect she may just be trying to get "someone else" to magically sort it all for her. An understandable way to feel I suppose.

One day she won't be able to arrange things for herself and then I'll have to step in.

The sad thing is that her real problem is she is old, frail, and suffering from increasingly miserable leg ulcers. And she can't find the motivation to walk about the house to try to help with blood flow.
There's a bit of "magical thinking" that a 24/7 carer will "make sure" she "walks around a bit".
She can walk. She gets herself to the loo and back.
She just doesn't. And I suspect a live in carer would be as effective as the proverbial personal trainer, hired in lieu of any motivation, who finds the client constantly cancelling on them and just paying the late cancellation penalty!

She's tacitly behaving as if me arranging it will conjure, out of thin air, a Disney-style cook/nurse/oldie-PT/Mary Poppins Granny Nanny, who will be wonderful and Make It All Better Somehow. But we know the best she is likely to get is an older, experienced carer who can actually cook and will chatter about her grandkids' doings.

There probably are a few really special carers and if it was just a matter of money she could afford it, but...!
... you have to find them, interview them, check refs & DBS, hire and insure them and pay their tax and NI, (they won't be working min wage for Happy Dignity Care Co that's for sure, they'll be freelance), and do all this not once, but twice, as they need breaks and holidays and then what about sick leave?
By which time she'll be dead. Or I will. Or she'll decide they're not wonderful after all. Or we'll both discover that they were, in fact, conwomen, thieves, or abusers.

I won't "at" the thread creator as hopefully she's safely on hols having a break from all this, but I would like to thank her for giving us this thread where we can vent and provide a little moral support for our fellow Bad Daughters or Not Even Daughters.