Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

[myislandhome]

We have just started the process of trying to place MIL in a nursing home, after deciding she is no longer safe at home. She has been difficult (as you would be), although she has resisted even at the stage where we were trying to make her home safer. Massive stigma/resistance about a bed downstairs or having cares in etc

This has really made me think about a few things

1. How it's so different to when her and FIL's parents were old, they just got placed in any old nursing home and that was it- you go where you get. Now we have done about 20 visits, are on waiting lists etc etc. But that's just an aside. Also, why didn't they think about this for themselves when they put their own parents in care and went through all that??
2. How I don't want this to be an issue for my kids when I get older

Although I am a fit and healthy 60 I've been thinking about this; how we will prepare ourselves for the future so our own kids don't have the constant fear and guilt that we will be at risk at home and not knowing when the "right time" is (sometimes until it's too late).

We live in a regular 3 bedroom semi and I would have absolutely no issue with putting a bedroom downstairs should the time come and if stairs are a danger (2 reception rooms helps). We have a downstairs loo but are considering putting in some kind of shower facility (not care home style, a nice one but that could work for us later as well).

I guess we are lucky that we have the internet (in laws in their 90s have never used it) and can order groceries etc.

I'd also consider downsized retirement living, although I totally understand people who want to stay in their own family homes. MIL has done this but it's like all of a sudden it's become too late to make her safe (she declined very quickly).

I do realise it would be a different kettle of fish if someone had dementia, I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I'm asking if the experiences everyone is having with elderly parents has made them consider their own futures and if you have started to make any contingency plans?

We are in the trenches caring for the in-laws at the moment. And it’s made us very aware of the pressures we could potentially be putting on our own adult dc. So we’ve made our wishes clear, decided who’s going to deal with POA when it’s needed. We are downsizing in the next few years to an apartment or bungalow. Making an appointment with a financial advisor.

in-laws refused carers till recently. FIL is bedbound needing constant care that has fallen to mil in recent years and now that’s left her physically struggling too. They live in a huge house thats terribly cluttered but refuse to part with even a carrier bag lol. Nothing in the home is suitable for their needs now (upstairs bathroom) and they sit in their substantial wealth instead of making their life easier with some adaptions and extra care. Instead leaning on my dh for constant support while he’s working a full time job on top. We hardly see him and he’s exhausted. I refuse to put our dc through this

This mirrors our experience almost exactly.

Yes, because there is no way my DC would be cognitively/physically able to do for us what I am doing for my DPs.

We are simplifying financials, and keeping any eye on health so we downsize in time. We have LPAs in place for ourselves, though they need reviewing now DC are adults.

Can't do too much for us as busy sorting DPs and DCs!!

Currently sat in a hospice coffee shop in a nightmarish world trying to support my Dad. I’ve promised my young adult children they will have clear plans and they won’t be left quite so lost and bewildered as both me and my Dad are at the moment.

Mother is 85 and still fine, independent etc but at 65 have just had my (small) house remodeled and have put in a downstairs shower room for this eventuality. Moving back into the house I V am ruthlessly declutterung and only keeping immedistely useful/or genuinely (a few) sentimental items. No tat or pointless ornaments or Have Will and POA in place and gathering ask the useful docs to keep in as specific place for the DC to access to make as simple fas possible for them.

My Dad passed away a few years ago and we've still got boxes and boxes of his belongings to sift through in our garage. He downsized from a 4 bed house with large garage to a small 2 bed flat with no outside space and barely got rid of anything. I deeply regret not being stricter with him at the time. My Mum and stepdad live in an entirely unsuitable house that Mum can't manage the stairs/upstairs bathroom in... hence not taking her water retention tablets properly and making herself unwell. And she won't hear of a commode in the living room. Sigh.

DH and I have both addressed the belongings we've had stored in cupboards and in our lofts. If the adult DC haven't wanted to take it to their homes, it's been disposed of and our loft is completely clear... took us nearly 5 months to do, mind. And we don't buy lots of things as we know at our stage in life it's just clutter for the kids to clear one day. We will downsize once we've both retired - we don't want the tie of gardening and house maintenance so have chosen a few little towns in the area to look at getting a flat in. And our wills are in place with all of the DC as joint executors/equal shares so it's totally fair.

Yes. MIL had a stroke and went from a healthy woman in her 70s who lived independently and needed no support to someone who needs 24/7 care and has limited cognitive ability. Literally overnight.

The process of supporting her was hard enough, but it was made infinitely easier because she had all her financial affairs organised and documentation in one place; her house was reasonably clutter free and she had clear lists of contacts etc in place. And LPAs, wills and funeral arrangements already set up It's made me very conscious that I haven't done any of that, partly because I think it's a long way way, but I have no control over what might happen to me tomorrow.

Yes. Two years ago we had to move mum into care,although it was the last thing she wanted. Leaving her little house broke her heart and she died after only 3 weeks in care. It was the most horrific time; the slow deterioration and realisation, clearing the house and selling it etc.
Since then I have been on a steady declutter of stuff in my house so the children wont have to. I force myself to attend yoga to assist my mobility and do strength exercises so that I can get up off the floor unaided. I have a death book with all financial and practical information, and an up to date Will. I will appoint a PoA in due course.
Quite honestly, after seeing mum go from an adventurous,fun loving person to an immobile,incontinent misery,I fear old age far more than I fear death.

Yes.

I can’t actually write out how grim it is for me and my brother right now.

my kids know which 2 have Lpoa for me and my other half has done his. My will is structured differently to my parents were too.

We work a lot with the elderly, and our plans for old age are pretty watertight as a result.

We have

• legal stuff - POA, wills
• I have an Advance Decision, which I update and reissue fairly regularly
• ”what you need to know” documentation to hand for the kids if they need it with bank passwords etc
• legacy appointees on my social media
• Thought hard about whether to move/downsize and have the appropriate plan in place taking into account not being able to drive, hospital proximity, how easy we are for kids to get to us
• I micro-declutter constantly
• we both exercise regularly, eat very well and take our meds, but we know exactly what long-term decline looks like and I hope we can manage it with relatively good grace

We know it’s inevitable we will need help for the last 5-10 years of our lives and I hope we’ve made it as easy as possible for our children to help us. I hope I’ve also come to terms with 85-90 being the sweet spot for dying and will be able to engineer it when the time comes.

Yes:
I am staying in London which is accessible by train from almost anywhere etc, and has many good hospitals, services and facilities, rather than moving to an ‘idyllic’ rural coastal area that is a bloody long drive from most places, no easy train access, hospital bloody miles away and few local health facilities. Much as I love such areas in my ‘fit and able’ phase of retirement. I can go there camping / cheap weekends. I don’t have to live there!

And I am planning to move to a property that would enable me to live on the ground floor if necessary.

And doing what I can to remain fit and healthy for as long as possible, keeping my social life, my brain active etc. Not to become a wheezing unfit couch potato who needs ‘taking to appointments’ like some of the mid-60s I read about here. (Unavoidable health conditions excl, of course)

I have a Will, LPAs, a file with details of everything Dc would need to know about my pension, savings, P Bonds (such as they are)

Thing is we don’t know how we will feel when we are older. All very well to say we would have carers, go into a home etc but we might not feel the same when the time comes.

Future proofing the house, sorting out financials, POA, downsizing, getting rid of clutter are all good things to do.

I am currently looking after elderly DM who is going down dementia route. Had downsized (now in retirement flat) and had POA in place before ill health appeared. But it is still hard as resistant to change and having people in, we have a weekly carer who she sees as a cleaner. I see her daily, and she hates the thought I am checking up on her. When she misplaces an item eg purse, we turn her place upside down trying to find it. I know I would find that really intrusive if I was her, and I am sure she does too. There are days she hates her life, other days she is oblivious to it all and feels that she is still independent (which she isn’t)

I dread putting this burden on DC, and I am sure DM wouldn’t have wanted this either. But until you are in this actual position you don’t actually know how you will act

Not really, but partly because my parents have wealth and assets way beyond anything that DH and I will be able to amass before we are their age. They are classic boomers - made a lot money from investment properties in the 1990s, benefited from family wealth that has mostly been spent, and both have generous final salary pensions after long careers in public services. They’ve owned their own large house outright since they were in their 30s. They’ve been very generous with my sister and I but we simply aren’t going to have the same resources to throw at it when we get there. We had two kids quite late in life, and moved around a lot - none of which helps! My parents will throw money at ageing - they are planning to move downstairs and extend their house to accommodate a wheelchair accessible bathroom. My mum is currently very switched on and actively planning for getting less mobile. They do live very rural though - she would move but my dad will only leave in a box.

Anyway, the one thing I do is declutter all the time and just not buy so much bloody stuff!. My parents large house is full to the brim. Two of them, 4-5 bedrooms, and my mums talking about how extending will give them more storage 🤦‍♀️

POA already sorted, we know what’s in their wills etc, we’ve talked about funerals, not wanting to be kept alive after a certain stage and my sister and I are in the same page more or less. DHs mum has Parkinson’s and dementia and ended up in a nursing home for 4.5 years before dying: it was a real wake up for my parents, that they are approaching the same stage. Also they have a lot of elderly neighbours who are starting to struggle so they see that too. Neither my sister nor I live nearby, my mum is already thinking about how to get eg shopping, taxis etc in place.

I’m already in a flat so won’t have the worry about that but do need to have my bathroom redone as I have an over bath shower which is already difficult to get in and out of and I’m not quite 60 yet. Decluttering is done on a regular basis.

However I’ve also made it clear to DS that when I’m no longer enjoying life, I’m planning to go to Dignitas for a peaceful and dignified ending. I have no desire to sit in a chair in a nursing home waiting for someone to change my nappy.

@Iheartmysmart many people say similar but when they get closer to that stage it’s not so easy to go through with it

DHs parents are older and far more ‘aged’ than mine. It’s made him far more conscientious about his health, seeing them decline physically and mentally. He’s lost lots of weight, stopped drinking, started doing strength / resistance training and following up assiduously on all health issues to make sure they are treated early. I can’t say I’ve done the same! Yet….

Yes. Our strategy is to do things 5 years in advance of anticipated issues. So we already downsized from the rural family home into a smaller house in a town, with all facilities walkable within a couple of minutes (in case of not being able to drive). We can walk to absolutely everything including doctor, dentist, groceries etc.

We have done phase 1 death cleaning, getting rid of absolutely everything that is unnecessary. The rule is, if we don't absolute definitely need it, or absolutely definitely love it, it's out.

Our plan is to do another move, within this same area, to a flat, before stairs become an issue.

We have also been completely transparent with our kids about finances, where everything is, all the passwords, and have LPOA in place.

No way do we want any of our children dealing with the utter nightmare that our own parents became.

Life feels so much simpler and lighter now. The first downsize was a total nightmare but better to eat the frog and get it out of the way!

My Mum despite having both of her parents dying intestate, took forever to sort a will out. Luckily she has now done it. She was also an almost full time carer to DGM despite working full time, and I'm not sure how she didn't have a nervous breakdown. The usual of SGM not wanting carers, cleaners or any other in house help. I can see my Mum would be just as bad though. I think she will just think she won't end up like that.

MIL worked as a warden in sheltered housing until her retirement, and as a result is much more accepting of needing care, moved to sheltered housing herself before she got too bad. Has all of her paperwork in a folder that we know about, so things will be easier.

My DM has done what looks to be the right things as she ages. Downsized to a ground floor flat, walk in showers, loves her carer and the meal and wheels service. She has an eye on her preferred care home too.
But, the big but, is that shes 4hours away from me, and on different continents to my siblings. We didn't grow up there, its not our home and we know no one locally either.
Its impossibly hard to do the things carers don't do, like her laundry, sort her post and when shes in hospital she's depending on a gang of elderly women to bring clean clothes and wash them for her. My sister came home for 2 months last time to do all that, but she has a job now and 2 small kids. Mum care managers call me to wait for ambulances with her, but shes in hospital before I'm an hour into my trip. And I don't have the leave to go to all her appointments or do the running round at far away.
I'll mind my health for healthy aging, make sensible decisions, but I'll move to be near DC as needed in my elderly years. And continue to push DM to consider a care home local to me.

yes.

not waiting until older age because you're less likely to want to make those decisions. we are planning to downsize for our next move and expecting it will be our last and the place that sees us both out.

not just accessibility in the house but also where it is, making sure it has public transport in case one or both of us has to stop driving. practical considerations, can you get to the supermarket and the doctors without a car if you needed to.

also keeping active and as healthy as possible.

My aunt moved to a flat in her mid-60s because she had worked with elderly people and knew that if you don't move way before you need to, you have already left it too late.

We are in a house that is perfect for us with three young adults / late teens (which we just moved to, much like @DeeplyMovingExperience -- decluttering, now in town): when they are out we will move to a property that we could live in until our deaths, taking into account accessible bathrooms, bedrooms etc.

I love @LadyGardenersQuestionTime 's list: yes yes to those. I am not 100% on all of them, but not far off.

Trying to support my mum to declutter at the moment and it's a nightmare (she needs to move). At least my kids won't have to do that for us -- I declutter all the time.

We've always been pretty good with the financial side of things, proper files of up to date paperwork for bank accounts, savings accounts, investments, pensions etc. and also had wills ever since we got married and bought our first home, which we've updated since, first time when DS was born and then again when he reached 18 years old, so hopefully we've covered things financially as far as we can for each other and ultimately our DS.

But we'd not really thought about the "care" side of things. Until a couple of years ago when MIL started going downhill rapidly with dementia. She'd been "forgetful" for a few years and we'd started to have to do more and more for her, but it was manageable, i.e. taking her shopping and to the bank every week etc. and visiting her daily (instead of previously a couple of times per week). We thought things would be OK if we just called in more often, did "complicated" things for her more often etc. At that time, things seemed pretty slow/steady and manageable.

She deteriorated amazingly quickly - almost getting worse by the day. Suddenly forget how to turn on the heating, and in fact, forgot she had heating, so we'd turn up and she'd be sat shivering. We had to start phoning her first thing every morning to talk her through turning on the heating! (She'd got into the habit of turning it off every night, which was an automatic habit she didn't think about!!). Then she'd mess up the TV tuning every time she turned it on - heaven knows how but she'd ring to say there was nothing on TV and we'd have to go down and found there were no channels tuned in, so we had to do the "auto retune" function almost every day. She'd previously been an avid enthusiastic gardener, but her garden became wild and overgrown - she'd keep saying she was going to do it "tomorrow" but never did. We got a gardener booked, told her about it daily beforehand, phoned her the morning he was due to arrive, but when he turned up, she threw him off the premises, shouting that she did it herself, etc - the guy phoned us from his van and we had to go down to pacify her and had to sit with her trying to get her mind of it whilst he did the garden. Same happened the following week, and every week afterwards.

Within maybe 6-8 weeks, she turned from someone needing a "bit of help" to someone completely incapable of being alone more than an hour. She'd do stupid things, like she had a bedside alarm clock which she'd had for years - red LED numbers. We noticed she'd started to turn it away from her in bed and we kept asking but she had no idea why she turned it. Eventually she remembered it was too bright, so that explained it. One night, around 3 am she phoned us in distress saying that there'd been a bang and flash and all her electric had gone off. We rushed around to find the electrics had tripped. We just reset it and things looked OK, so we settled her down and went home again. Next day, when tidying her bedroom, we noticed the alarm clock wasn't working - then we looked at the wire and she'd cut through it with a pair of scissors! She couldn't remember doing it, and couldn't understand why there were her big kitchen scissors in the bed! I think it was then that we realised she was dangerous being left alone.

Suddenly, things became very urgent - she couldn't deal with the bank and bills anymore, and we didn't have POA so we'd have to take her to the bank and luckily, it was a local branch where some of the staff had been there years so knew her and knew what she did with her "numerous" bank accounts where she seemed to transfer money between them for no obvious reason, but the bank staff just continued the pattern to appease her. Sometimes if someone she knew wasn't there, the other staff would just send us away as they could see she hadn't a clue and was incapable and weren't willing to do anything on our say so!

We tried to get a grasp of the finances, but there were piles of paperwork all over the house going back years, randomly placed in drawers, boxes, etc. no organisation at all, not even back a few years earlier when she was supposedly capable of looking after things. It took several full days to search the house and then organise through it all. We needed a handle on things as we realised the urgency of both financial and care POAs. Even if we got carers organised, we couldn't pay them out of her money as she had no internet banking set up. Those few weeks were an absolute nightmare. Sadly, her deterioration was so rapid, her health suffered too and she ended up with pneumonia and died within a few weeks (after an awful 3 days in a corridor in A&E!).

There'd been no time to organise carers nor POAs as the deterioration had been so quick. Then of course, we had to spend weeks decluttering her home before we could put it up for sale as it was full of a lifetime of possessions (plus what they inherited from their parents etc).

That made us re-evaluate ourselves and we've not set up care and financial POAs, we've also decluttered our home as far as possible, made lots of lists/notes etc. It made us realise that a will, whilst important, doesn't even begin to cover all the other aspects that serious/rapid ill health causes.

No, I'm in denial that I'm old😂 despite working in the NHS for decades and seeing the difficulties with thousands of elderly patients and families.
What I have done is simplified my finances, made sure sons know where my paltry savings are and left what I jokingly call 'the death file' containing vital information including leaflet for direct cremation company I used for my dad.
Always pretty minimalist and decluttered every time I've moved so thats not a problem but perhaps I should look into POA although never used them with parents despite them paying hundreds to a solicitor for them as they remained cognitively intact🤷

Planning old age consumes my every waking moment....and I am not even 40 yet!

My issue is that I will have zero family. Only child, no children, so absolutely nobody who I might have been able to rely on.

I'm planning to move myself to a local highly rated retirement village which was step care - you start with independent living and move through different levels of care as or if needed.

I'm also trying to eat healthier and take better care of my health and make new social connections. And also make and save more money to pay for living at the retirement village.

But is is all a massive worry which quite frankly ruins my life! 😩

I've also started the process of "selling" my small business. I'm still fit and capable of running it, but if something serious happened it would be a real millstone around the necks of my DH and DS if they had to step in to run it or sell or close it. It wouldn't be fair to them nor my clients.

It's taken a while, but I've found a larger business in the same profession who is willing to take on all my clients under their firm, but let me continue to do the work myself (as a consultant under them), transferring all my clients onto their systems and under their administration/management procedures. The idea being that I could literally walk away (either through choice or necessity) and they'd seamlessly take over the work as they'd have the files, all the data would be on their systems, etc. Obviously they want their "cut" so I'll make a lot less money, but it's worth it for peace of mind. It also enables me to cut back on a gradual basis and start working part time etc as the years pass.