Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Sorry to hear this @Raven08. Sending strength 💐

Giving the news to DF that his only and older sister had died wasn't easy and he did decline a bit afterwards especially in self care as it hit him hard. I have found sitting and listening whilst they talked to me about nice memories of their siblings who died is something that has helped both DF and DH (since his DB died in the summer) process their grief. Also looking at photos when they were ready.

@MayBeee ah yes I've had the "refusing to eat and take meds" thing. (Maybe a year ago now?) Though it led to a series of visits from a Nice Lady from Elderly Mental Health. I'm "lucky" in that my elderly relative isn't a parent and I live two counties away so there's relatively little of the, "oh but surely..."

Visited yesterday and she's in decent spirits, but the leg ulcers are playing up so we didn't take her out.
I moved some furniture so she has a little "race track" she can practice walking in with her frame.

Thank you.
She was stoical about it.
Shes the youngest of 12 at 80 so its to be expected I guess.
He was a lovely man and lived his life - and died - exactly how he wanted to. May we all say the same when our time comes 🙏
Mum is now off all IV antibiotics, just on pain relief.
I sense discharge on the horizon
..
I went to a local ahop who stock thise "cook" meals and grabbed a few, thank you for the recommendation x
No idea if she'll eat them but they are in the freezer!
I'm going to make soup today.
And eat my body weight in biscuits x

@MayBeeemine went through a phase of putting the phone down on me if I said something she disagreed with. But it didn’t get the reaction she wanted so she learnt not to do it!

I think I was meant to ring straight back very apologetically. Instead, I took it as a win that the phone call was shorter than usual and didn’t bother calling her back for a week.

I caved yesterday and phoned her and because we've haven't spoken in weeks .She didn't recognise my voice and had to ask who I was .
She didn't acknowledge I haven't been phoning or realise she is now not calling me , no hanging up , some lying ( I already knew some things via the near family member ) but she had something to do ( ! ) So the call only lasted about 5 minutes .

I’ve been on holiday with two of my dc and came back late last night. The 17 yo spoilt it and made it stressful to the point I’ve said no more holidays with her. The selfishness of her is beyond belief and now she’s playing the victim to anyone stupid enough to listen. My 11 yo enjoyed it as much as he could but said he doesn’t want his sister to come with us again. The eldest already isn’t allowed to come on holiday with us. They are very much their narc father’s daughters sadly.
Mum got on ok in my absence including a god-awful hospital trip for an MRI scan of her bile ducts, liver and pancreas. The driver who took her was someone who from what she describes shouldn’t be on the road and the weather was awful to boot. She’s claustrophobic but the GP will no longer prescribe diazepam for MRIs so going without me was a big challenge. I’ve bigged up how amazing it is that she was able to get out of the house, get in the car, walk the distance to the scan department including outside in the heavy rain and get through the scan and back home in one piece. It’s an amazing achievement for her even if she was tearful afterwards. I kept in touch every day and sent her photos and whatnot but she’s been great generally. I was only away 5 days but this time even 3 months ago that couldn’t have been possible. The best carer has now left and the lady who is in her stead is nice although the timings are still not being adhered to by either carer.
Ds and I went to see mum this afternoon and her mobility seems even better so the nerves are continuing to settle after her surgeries. The physio is seeing her in person now that she’s 6 weeks post fractures and surgery so that will help. She’s got a great physio who we have a laugh with and who understands mum and her anxieties and condition. She’s can go back to her exercise class around Easter which will be great for her socially and mentally as well as physically.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know how to relax. Usually when I go on holiday I get in the pool or onto the beach and draw a big cleansing breath and feel myself chill. Not this time. Obviously dd didn’t help but I just wasn’t feeling it and felt a little tearful the whole time. It sounds silly but I really missed our cat. She’s currently curled up on my legs in bed and has missed me as much as I missed her. We had the pet holiday nurse from the vet’s come and feed her, change her litter, give her medication and affection each day but I hated being away from her. I was so glad to get home last night and into my own bed. Dd always gets the best room with the king size bed because it’s two bedrooms and she can’t possibly be expected to share a twin room with her younger brother. So I’ve been in a twin bed in the small room with Ds. It was the same last summer. She got a sea view and I got a wall view. I’ve spoilt her and turned her into an entitled horror. I shared with my brothers when they came home from the army when they were in their mid to late 20s and I was a teenager. Thought nothing of it because we didn’t have enough bedrooms and I adored the younger one and missed him so much when he was away for months on end so it was extra time with him to chat across the room from our beds. How things change.

@Dormit I am sorry you didnt have a good holiday. I have read many times about teenagers having to be horrible as that way we can happily accept them leaving home!

@dormit sorry to hear about your holiday x
I'm feeling pretty venomous towards my sister today so I've been practising being zen ✨️
I cleaned the flat today and moved the bedroom furniture around to make room for the commode etc .
I found two bags of soiled pants in the wardrobe (mum wasnt making it to the loo in time before she was admitted..) and despite telling me she would "sort it" (I cleaned the mattress topper and bedding...) my sister just...left them.
Delightful.
So I've thrown away the bags and the pants.
I've really had to sit on my hands today and not phone her.
🤬
Going to see mum tomorrow then the mobility stuff is being delivered later in the week.

Oh @Raven08 that really takes the biscuit. Not sure I could restrain myself, you must be a good person.

I'm utterly furious tbh, but no point asking mum about it, she'd just defend her, which would make me even angrier than I am.
Just best to take deep breaths <breathe>

@Raven08 and gin. I always have a g&t after visiting mum although my consumption has decreased since going NC with goldenballs.

Currently having a shandy ☺️

Having to deal with my useless siblings is one of the worst parts of mum being ill, tbh.
I can ignore them pretty well until that happens.
My brother is a 50 year old man child who never learnt to drive, and is married to an absolute harridan (who refuses to drive him to see mum at the hospital...)
My mother idolises him, obviously 🙄
My sister is one of the most horrible people I've ever met. Mercenary, selfish, uncaring.
Once mums gone, I won't have to keep up the thin pretence I can abide either of them.

Hi everyone, first time poster here tentatively dipping my toe in. I don’t know where to start. Mum has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, Dad is increasingly frail. They are trying to move house but haven’t had the energy or physical ability to clear decades of possessions. They aren’t quite hoarders, but are heading in that direction - generations of broken items mixed with papers, dead rodents, clothes, toys…. I have been crawling around in the lofts on and off for months and they are now clear (the rest of the house is a work in progress). In the last week both their house sale and their purchase have fallen through. They are incredibly isolated and increasingly rely on me, but I live several hours away and have a full time job and children. My brother lives abroad and has multiple problems of his own. I can’t even seem to get hold of him at the moment. Above all else, I am so tired. Tired of being struck in the heart by whatever I find next (photos, letters, childhood memories), tired and sad about my parents’ painfully visible physical struggles, tired of the loneliness of having no functioning siblings to share the load, tired of the physical labour of clearing a house, tired of having to choose between spending precious annual leave with my children and supporting my parents. Above all else though, tired of the thought that it always seems to be women who end up in this position. I’m also increasingly annoyed that my parents didn’t prepare for this time in their life - is this wrong of me? Did they think they weren’t going to get old? I will never do this to my children. I love my parents with all my heart but elements of the situation (specifically the state of the house) were so completely avoidable. Sorry for the offload. Please don’t judge me.

You will not be judged here @Sandysaurus

Welcome to the thread nobody really wants to be on.

Everything you say will strike a chord with someone on here.

Here - have a sherry

<<passes bottle>>

@Sandysaurus
No judgement here!
Dh and pils are going through similar atm wrt his aunts houses...absolute nightmare...its taking months and months.
I bought the book "the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning" - its very good. Just need to convince dh!
You are so right about the caring burden falling to women.
The only thing I would say is that don't assume that having local siblings means that you would get any meaningful help 😕
I've often thought it would be easier for me, and I would feel less abandoned, if my siblings lived abroad...at least then they'd have more of an excuse 😕
As it is, I'm dealing with mums decline, plus her favouritism towards people who do nothing for her.
Its generational bullshit and I'm tired of it.
Oh, and the cleaner I thought I'd sorted has ghosted me! 🙄

Oh, and the cleaner I thought I'd sorted has ghosted me

Oh no!
FFS @Raven08 that's all you needed.

Sherry? If @Sandysaurus has left any.....

I can’t drink
anymore because it worsens my palpitations 😩 I’ve been assaulted by dd today and treated with having my head smashed in so it’s been a great day. Mum on the other hand has been out for lunch with her sister which is a huge achievement.

It's generational bullshit and I'm tired of it

Yes. It's also sex-based bullshit.
Women always get left with the caring.

It was ever thus.

Whoa!

Okay I'll send you some virtual lorazepam.

@Sandysaurus the posters here are kind and understanding. You can say it as it is here.

Threatened not treated that should say! Thanks for the drugs!

Thank you everyone. Very happy to share the sherry (a non-alcoholic one for @dormit- I’m so sorry you’re having such a terrible day).

@Raven08you make a good point about local siblings vs those who live abroad. Honestly, I think assistance would be minimal from mine, even if he were in the country (which might, as you say, feel more hurtful).

Oh @dormit...what a time you're having 😕
I'm so sorry x
I've decided I'm not getting up stupidly early and sitting in traffic for an hour tomorrow....I'll leave at 9 and get there when I get there. Schools back tomorrow so traffic will be horrid.