Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Oh @Dormit you don't deserve that at all. I hope you are okay. I am sending 🍫and 🍨. I can't really drink either due to my health but they always help.

@Raven08 selfish siblings seem to plague many of us. It is so frustrating when they swan in, act like they know it all and have done loads to help when in reality they have done fuck all. We are also clearing already, currently slowly filling a skip with crap from around the house. I can't put my kids through it and we will downsize as soon as they get bigger and fly the nest.

Welcome @Sandysaurus, your DP's house sounds like my DAunt's that I just finished clearing and sold after her death. It is utterly exhausting work. Not great that their sale and purchase fell through, but maybe it gives you a brief respite from the slog of it all.

@Sandysaurus...
I hope you don't think I'm minimising your feelings...ypu have every right to feel upset.
Both my siblings are younger than me, and live closer to mum than I do.
When she moved into the flat I did everything. Absolutely everything. Looking back, I was mad to do it all.

So I have to shoulder some of the blame.
My dh is very resistant to downsizing/getting rid of stuff but I think dealing with his aunts houses has made him think.
Pils live in the house they've lived in since 1967...they throw nothing away.
I could weep 😬😫

Well.
When we were sixty, DH and I moved to Scotland, and the house we were offered happened to be sheltered housing.

It's a lovely little bungalow in a complex of twelve houses.

Now we're sixty nine. He left me five months ago but I'm still in my nice little bungalow. I've always been very tidy so there won't be loads of crap for my children to clear out when I die.
I've also sorted out wills and POA.

I don't mind if I need carers in the future and would not like my DD to give me personal care anyway.

But I know that I seem to be in the minority. Most parents on this thread create so much misery for their daughters.

Their sons - not so much, not at all.

I think I love you 😍 🤣
Seriously, though, your dd will be SO grateful in the future for your foresight and sensible attitude

Thats an important thing too - wills and poas.
It's endlessly fascinating to me that though I am far and away the least favoured child, I'm mums executor and Attorney.
She doesn't trust my siblings.
With good reason, sadly.

@Sandysaurus welcome - and please do vent here. You’re an absolute legend for tackling that loft. Could the sale and purchase falling through give you a bit of a break?

@Dormit I’m so sorry about the teenager strops - they can ruin holidays (and life in general) for everyone and when you have other DC it makes it harder. I have photos I look at of their adorable years to get me through these testing times. When I was clearing the family home I also found evidence of my own teenage brat stage… so this too shall pass and as @GnomeDePlume said, it’s a developmental phase to ‘separate’ where they just seem angry at you because they need you. Even tougher when you’re also juggling parents too 💐

So will my other DD, who lives 550 miles away.

At least they won't be posting on this thread in years to come.
🤣

You sound a little like my DM @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne , she bought a bungalow not far from us after retiring and I'm grateful it won't be a long trip if she does need more help when she's older. She's in her 70s now, but still independent and in good health. She says she doesn't want me or DGC to have to give up my life to care for her, after seeing me run myself ragged trying to help DF with DGM. I'm grateful for that, being her only child (got half siblings but they are DF's with DSM).

DF will be a different matter. Who knows how that's going to turn out. He's already outlived the life expectancy he was given when diagnosed with a rare blood disorder 15 years ago. But he is so in the rabbit hole with DGM I don't think he's given any thought to what to do about his own needs.

Snap. Its werid isn't it. We haven't had to use it yet, so Im waiting for siblings to kick off big style if and when its needed.

I do wonder if the 'entry level' hoarding is a generational thing. The first generation where 'stuff' is so much cheaper and more available. At the same time strongly influenced by preceding generations to 'make do and mend'.

Lawnmower/hoover/kettle breaks, buy a new one. But keep the old one so that it can be repaired. Except it never is so it goes into the shed/garage/loft. Process rinsed and repeated for televisions, radios etc etc etc.

Weekly visit to DM yesterday. Her slow decline continues. Almost immobile, barely eating or drinking. The ammonia smell on her breath (tell tale of kidney failure) is very strong. No conversation just random things said.

God help me, I want this over.

@GnomeDePlume couldn’t agree more with the ‘God help me, I want this over.’ comment.

Saw my father yesterday and yes he has his health issues but my goodness he is still the miserable person he always was.

I hate visiting now. He is very peevish, as he always was. Charm personified to fellow residents IF he likes how they look.

As a generation this prolonging of death is crippling. Death is the one thing that is inevitable. Why are we so determined to try preventing it?

My sister has finally replied to my whatsapp from yesterday...
They have their week visiting planned 🙄 so I'll go in again on friday which is the day I prefer, so that's fine
Ugh.
Loathe the pair of them 😕

My mums sisters all lived into their late 80s and early 90s with very severe health issues. Ended up bed ridden.
Mums only 80.
God help me 😕

I think thats why I'm so keen to downsize/move away when the kids leave home.
I just want a break from it all.

@Raven08 oh yes. I grew up with my parents telling me regularly we’re going to ‘drop dead’ when we are 70’.

We are nearly 20 years post that and they have not plus they have taken every medication offered to keep them alive. I reckon I will be in my 80s when this all ends. It is exhausting.

@Dormit you are having a tough time of it, hope you’re ok.
@GnomeDePlume on the hoarding thing, my DPs aren’t hoarders as such but keep all their old bank statements, bills etc etc. I realise I have tendencies the same way as I look round our house and realise every cupboard and space is full.
I tried clearing out clothes when not working but the lure of trying to make some money on Vinted and ironically the lack of headspace because of DPs means I haven’t made much progress.

Need to have a proper crack at it, maybe March should be a tidying month. It’s just too horribly easy to accumulate things and multiples of things.

I am sorry for you and for your DM, it sounds like agonisingly slow torture for everyone.

@Raven08 @turkeyboots I have the same issue re POA. Just in the middle of setting it up for DM. Brother and various other family members that she things are wonderful and won't do anything without approval from seemed to think it was unnecessary but changed their minds when I pointed out the expense that would be involved in dealing with her affairs 'if' (I'm sure it's inevitable) she loses capacity. Despite favouring them and acting as though they are SO much more knowledgeable than me DM is adamant that I should be sole POA and they all agree it is 'easier' that way.

Re Hoading. I think GnomeDePlume is right about the generational aspect. I that when my DP were first setting up a home they had to be fairly frugal, mended everything and saved for things that we would now see as every day purchases. As they got more disposable income and the real cost of things got cheaper they have bought lots more 'stuff' but kept hold of anything vaguely serviceable in case they or another family member ever needs it. DM now has a very large home but no usable spare bedroom for guests because every room is full of wardrobes/shelves/drawers/boxes etc full of things that someone might want one day. She currently has 2 fridge freezers and a chest freezer, none of which can be thrown away/donated because at some theoretical future time even though she can no longer cook much someone might want to use her house for a family gathering, or neighbours might have a problem with their fridge/freezer and she will need them. I, and a sensible Aunt, have tried to encourage her to allow us to help make some more space but so far everything we mention is 'essential'.

I am just thankful that my MIL (who is only a few years younger) has a very different outlook and has kept a few boxes of sentimental items but otherwise got rid of anything she doesn't use at least once a year. Which means despite having a much smaller home there is far more room to move at her place, she can easily get to anything she wants (and knows exactly where it is) and it's easier to keep everywhere clean and tidy. I think if it was ever needed we could probably pack up all her belongings in less than a day. I think it's just a different mind set. For example, MIL has not kept any of the toys she bought for our DC to play with at her house on the basis that if she lives to see great-grandchildren they can bring their own toys or she will buy new ones. My DM still has boxes of games/books/colouring pens/plastic tat that she had for her oldest GC who are now in their 30s and won't allow us to donate them in case children visit her and want to play with them (this has not happened in over 10 years as the only child that visits takes his own toys and is not interested in hers).

Getting ready for my four weekly round trip to MIL. We are 400 miles apart, and I/my car not up to drive so plane it is. Flight is only an hour in the air, but obv having to be at the airport at least 2 hours before means I have to be up at 3.00am for 6.30am flight, as journey to airport quite long.
However, it means I get to see with my own eyes how she is as the phone calls are not always reliable…
I am going with a list of things which will make her life easier, ie rails by front/back doors etc. I totally expect to come back with none of the things ticked off. She tells me how lucky others are to live in flats or bungalows etc, but never seems to realise that it is her choices which mean she is in a house with upstairs bathroom and huge garden, and other people future proofed when they could when she just didn’t think about it at all. It’s not luck…
I’ve got her some self shampooing sort of bags you put on your head and adult shower body wipes as she is totally unable to have a wash and will not allow carers to do it. Again, I expect when I go back next time, they won’t be opened.
I think I need to take it much more in my stride and let the petty bits of it just wash over me, like not letting me help by putting a wash on in case I break the machine, or change a lightbulb in case I blow up the house or alter the thermostat in case I break the system. How she thinks I run my own home I have no idea!
Rant over. Sorry for venting about such very trivial things. I’m glad you’re here.

@Scrabsqueak oh absolutely to the ‘aren’t they lucky’ brigade. That said that has always been my parents. Along the lines of ‘oh it’s alright for Mr and Mrs So and So, they live in a big detached house’.

Well they may do parents but they chose and bought that house. There was no ‘luck’ involved. Also the same for the ‘lucky’ parents whose children look after them in old age. They possibly put more into nurturing their children rather than constantly criticising them for not being quite what they wanted. Sorry rant needed!

I often think of this at when dealing with my EPs. Always been the same.

@BlueLegume my DM has always suffered with FOMO. Always wanted to stay until the very end. Perhaps that is what is driving her now.

I'm the opposite, always planning my escape!

We dont plan to downsize but semi frequently review what we are keeping and have a big sort and clear out.

Our wills are up to date. LPAs to follow.

Our wills were updated last year and POAs are in the 3 weeks to object part of the process. We plan to move this year. DH not being able to drive for a few weeks at the end of last year made it clear that where we live now wouldn't be practical with long term health issues and it's a big house that's expensive to heat. Finding the right house in the right place might be tough though as my list of must haves doesn't seem to fit many properties.

Yep.
I hear you.
As I expected, drs want to discharge mum home...its clear to me from today's visit that she's been telling them she wants to go home rather than a rehab stay 🤷‍♀️
I'll do what I can but I won't be available 24/7.
It'll either be ok or it won't. Time will tell.
The reality is that she could last years like this as they just pump her full of antibiotics and discharge (this must be the 4th or 5th time, so I feel a bit jaded with it all tbh)
I'm desperate to get into the loft and have a sort out - I might suggest it over Easter holidays!

@countrygirl99
That's our issue with moving...
We do have half decent buses, trains, trams etc.
Drs surgery is dire, but that seems worryingly common now.
There is a dentists, specsavers, 2 largish supermarkets, a deli, pharmacy, some nice pubs.
2 major hospitals within 30/40 mins.
In 30 mins we can be in the Peak District.
So whilst I don't love it here, it could be worse.
Its also not a huge house...it's certainly big enough for us, but we wouldn't necessarily release loads of equity once a new purchase is made so it does male me think "whats the point" to an extent.

We had the rounds of antibiotics and home with dad. During COVID just to add to the complexities. Then mum would hate having the carers in, insist she could care for dad and persuade dad to dismiss them. Except her Alzheimer's meant she couldn't. One day when I visited she was angry because dad wasn't doing half the housework and she had had to iron when it was his turn. Dad couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without being in agony and couldn't walk without a frame. Finally a district nurse arrived to change a dressing and realised that dad was suffering from an oramorph overdose as mum had got muddled so it was back to hospital and mum was told very firmly that either the carers came and managed dad's meds or he would have to go into a home. Didn't stop her trying to get him to cancel them again but dad had enough cognitive ability to understand what had happened.