Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

My DM's dementia diagnosis has come too late to really be of much use. Nobody in her CH really believed she had any capacity. It was only when a DOLS was going to be required (DM kept trying to escape the CH in a confused state) that a diagnosis and capacity assessment were needed.

Of course this proved to be another of 'yesterday's problems' solved. DM is pretty much bedbound now after a chest infection.

Respect form and DNAR are in place. The main aim now is to keep DM out of the hellhole which is our local hospital.

@GnomeDePlume
when my mother was very unwell and paramedics were called, they strongly advised against her going to hospital, and recommended she stay in the care home. She was too frail to benefit from, or even withstand, hospital treatment. The care home managers and I strongly agreed with that.

No, it’s not that sort of confusion, she can still cope perfectly well with things she’s always done, filling in forms correctly wouldn’t be a problem, it’s getting her to remember what she has been told in the very short term. So for example DF is in a care home and is not mobile without hoisting, we cannot get him in a car or take him to the dentist. But he is still paying his treatment plan with his private one so we need to cancel that. So I asked the home how non-mobile residents access dental care and she says there is a private one that some of them are registered with who sets up a mobile clinic on site. So I say to mum, phone your dentist, cancel his denplan and tell them you are planning to re-register him elsewhere but not to de-register him just yet, so we can transfer him over. I explained this yesterday morning, yesterday evening (by phone twice and by text, she’s still a dab hand with a mobile), this morning, she has been badgering the care home about it all day too and asking the same questions over and over (they phoned me). He isn’t in any emergency dental situation (had a check-up in the discharge home he was in till Christmas) and the next payment isn’t due till the 1st week in Feb so this could all easily wait till my day off on Friday but no, it has to be sorted NOW.

Funnily enough I have a dental related query.

DH and I did a quick hit and run visit to DPs on Monday en route to holiday cottage location. DM handed over her list of paperwork. I was running through it and on one of the envelopes she has asked that a dental appointment be booked and an ambulance to take her there. Now the thing is DM is mostly bed bound and non verbal, if it’s simply for a routine appointment then it’s a lot of effort and one of either DH or I would need to do the two hour return journey to accompany her, and also I am not entirely sure she would even cope at the dentist. If however she is in pain then yes she should go although again, I am not sure how well she would cope with any treatment.

I am going to ring her dentist up tomorrow and see if there are circumstances where they might come out to the house, but if they don’t I am minded not to mention it unless she says she has tooth pain. Is that awful of me and are there in fact dentists that come out ?

She really should be in a home, but is propping DF up with his failing memory.

The mobile one our home told me about will indeed go to private houses as well as care homes. I never knew there was such a thing either. Have a look and see if they cover your parents area @rookiemere

sorry forgot link
https://www.athomedental.co.uk

Many dentists do home visits.
You just need to ring them and ask if they do this.

The difficulty is everyone has their protocols. And everything seems to end up with A&E. Oh well, it is what it is. We are doing what we can.

Thanks for the dental advice, I should have realised myself home visits would be a thing.

I am increasingly resentful of all the work and admin, it’s a bit like suddenly being given parental responsibility of two warring toddlers or more likely two surly teens determined to do everything their way but unable to manage anything independently.I wish I was a nicer, kinder person as many of you seem to be. I am just waiting for the inevitable crisis to make them go into a home or the other option.

How do you cope with the paranoia, DM seems to be getting worse, thinks we are spending her money when we do the shopping (we obviously are but it’s for them) and me and siblings are ‘against’ her even when we are all trying our best to help.
She’s far far from needing to go into a care home, still able to take medication, self care and even does all the house work. It’s quite specific how the dementia is affecting her (speech/personality worsening) but it’s clear she’s getting worse.
She does take medication supposedly to slow down the dementia, can this be increased/ better solutions. I know it’s progressive but any suggestions to help us and DDad cope

👋 Hi, I've just found this thread so permission to lurk for a while? 💐

@Lifestooshort71 lurk as much as you want! You’re very welcome!

@rookiemere all I can say is that I’m significantly nicer since my mum went into a nursing home. Still not very nice though, it’s lucky nobody can see inside my head.

@Lifestooshort71 hello, and welcome if that’s the right word…

@Worriedreparents would the GP consider something like anti anxiety meds (I’m not a doctor)? Also could there be funds for some sessions from a specialist speech therapist? The sessions would probably be more with you all as a family and talking to you rather than her - she can’t change the way she communicates but there may be tweaks to what you and your F are doing that help a tiny bit? PM me if you want to ask more

@rookiemere pshaw, don't worry about being "nice".
I think this board is all about grumbling vigorously while we actually, you know, don't abandon our elderly relatives to die of pneumonia in a pool of wee.
Admitting, in this corner where we're all in the same boat, that we're human, and would rather be doing other things, is what keeps us semi-coping a lot of the time!

Welcome to all new joiners and lurkers to a thread no one wants to be on. We have a full selection of gin and cake, other beverages available on request. Our original host has left MN, but in case you are wondering about the thread title, here is her thread opener:

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I still don't understand that explanation about the cockroach.
I lie awake at night, trying to make it make sense.

Was it an actual animal she was presented with?

Was it a quiz where you were asked things and wrote your answers down?

Why was her brother there?
Was he also a resident?

So many imponderables.........

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne worrying isnt it?

When i first saw "Cockroach cafe" I was engaged in a protracted battle to get Dear Elderly Relative (DER) to eradicate the cockroaches from his flat. He regarded them as amusing pets, caught them in upturned teacups, and released them in the garden.

@PermanentTemporary thank you. We are in the process of getting further help from the doctor and social services. Not sure if speech therapy will help as she’s been deaf such a long time and refused to wear hearing aids and now has asphasia. , it’s more the paranoia that’s troubling us at the minute. We are all trying to help but she thinks the opposite

Hi all 👋

Can I ask why this is called the cockroach cafe? (Apologies this has probably been asked many times before but I can’t find the answer!)

I’d like to join but I’ll be honest the title gives me the heebie jeebies! (Bad experience)

Oh gosh…..silly me….. I looked at old threads trying to find the answer but have just scrolled up and seen it may be there!

Ah okay, have read it.

Honestly…. My view is a name change (if the name makes clear what the topic is) would only make this thread more accessible, not less.

I deliberately didn’t click on it for months/years, despite thinking I’d probably benefit from it.

I've been here years ( as far as I'm aware , the op that started it is no longer on here ) I once suggested it but ( then ) everyone liked the name so it stuck .
Perhaps it's time to review it again with a poll to see what everyone thinks ?

Thread title suggestions:

The Bad Daughters Bench

The Useless Brothers Department

Thread for Tea, Coffee, Cake or Gin