Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

When I tried to sort a Respect form for mum she was very clear that she didn't want any life extending internention, just to be kept as comfortable as possible. But she refuses to sign it because it said she had Alzheimer's and therefore she "can't until it's corrected". Except she does have Alzheimer's so we are stuck with no official record of her wishes. And neither of the 2 of us who have had these discussions are the one with POA. POA knows everything better than anyone else and we are all incompetent idiots. Goodness knows what his stance will be.

@countrygirl99 a nurse from the GP signed the Respect form after speaking to him and to us, I’m never really asked to produce the H+W LPA - in case that helps get her wishes in place.

I have reached the point of accepting this is a one way journey.

Thank you for sharing @Thaawtsom although he has limited capacity and is dozing off mid sentence he still has enough speech to have clearly refused oral antibiotics and refused hospital so he has confirmed what I said several times.

Hello, has anyone had experience of an elderly parent simply refusing to move out? We had an elderly, poorly relative with us for 6 months last year. I posted on here at the time. She was invited for two days to visit (we didn't realise she was ill!) And then just wouldn't leave. It was awful. Long story short she then went to visit my sister and now won't leave THEIR house. She is extremely difficult and is putting a massive strain on my sister and her marriage and kids, and expects my sister to do everything including personal care. We have all tried to explain to elderly relative that it's not working but she just flatly refuses to go home. She has been there almost 9 months. What to do?!

@FiniteSagacity I think we'll have to try that route but mum's GP practice are pretty useless. They emailed the form over for us to fill in with her with the diagnosis etc already completed.

@Statsinyoureyes could you get a social worker in for an assessment? If ER thinks capacity is being questioned then they may move on?

@mumbles12 sadly ER won't consent to a needs assessment of any kind.

Your sister calls the police.
I'm not joking.

I have to agree with this. What a dreadful situation!

But extreme measures are needed.

I advised that but i think the issue is my sister feels responsible for ER's safety if she turfs her out. Thanks for the ideas, it's appreciated

I was walking through a field this morning and realised I hadn't had a text from ER yet.
As I said, she's currently struggling with this godawful leg ulcer that hurts like bejeezus to dress. I thought if the carers rang me up to say she'd gone in the night it might not be the worst thing. She has sensibly got a "purple form" (DNACPR) laid out prominently on the hall table so nobody should be breaking her ribs.

She has texted me since and seems relatively perky. X has been to NZ, you should go too!
I didn't say, yes but what if you get hauled into City General Hospital with something serious two days before (or after) we fly out? The neighbours and her saintly cleaner might help but "ER at death's door while I'm on the other side of the planet" is very much not a situation I ever want to live through.

Could you offer to have your parent to stay with you? You and your sister pack her up, load her into your/your sister's car and then just drive her to her own home and unload all her belongings there. I think there will be a lot of blame and anger so you and your Dsis will have to be strong willed. One of you might need to stay a night or two there, if only because your parent might refuse to get out of the car for hours but will have no choice if the car doesn't move for 48 hrs or so.

Rationality and gentle reasoning is clearly never going to work. When someone is difficult beyond the bounds of normal social conventions then you can allow yourself to respond in a way that is also beyond normal.

When you say ER do you mean A and E? What is ER?

ER = Elderly Relative

Oh! Sorry.

One plus of mums 2 recent admissions is that she has the purple DNR form, too.
First mothers day tomorrow in 12 years that mum hasn't been here for lunch!
We are going to pils at some point on Easter Sunday so I've told mum I'm not around then, either (which is technically true...)
I'll be the first Easter in 12 years she hasn't been here, too.
Although tbh, she's not eating much, so she's probably not bothered.
We go away 2 weeks on Monday ☺️
Cannot wait

I just wanted to come here and thank you all for the support and kindness you gave me when I needed it most. My lovely Daddy died earlier today. His suffering and confusion is ended and I am greatly relieved, but also devasted. He was a lovely, kind man and I was fortunate to have him as my father.

I'm so sorry @unsync
It's such a difficult emotion to feel that you want the suffering of a loved one to end.

I hope it was peaceful.

@unsync I’m so sorry for your loss. We’re here for support with the next bit too 💐

I'm so sorry @unsync

New thread before we run out of room - I’ve plumped the cushions and restocked the gin.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5503705-cockroach-cafe-spring-to-summer-2026

So sorry for your loss @unsync 💐

@unsync 💐wishing you peace

@unsyncI’m so sorry

My mother is in her 70s and I have years of observations. There's stuff that is just not right or normal. There's something wrong but it's not a typical memory loss. It's behavioural and emotional issues, poor comprehension, poor executive functioning, OCD, spatial awareness issues. There is something seriously wrong.

I am the only one at home seeing this. All my siblings live abroad. She can act in front of them on the rare occasion they do fly home.

I am dealing with a situation. Basically a half sibling built a garage on another siblings plot of land without permission. We knew for a few weeks. Since then my mother has built a tremendous level of hate and anger towards that lad who is a son to her ex husband.

She is like a tempered tantrumed toddler on steroids when talking about him.

I don't talk about him or raise the subject. She was angry a few weeks ago and it faded from her mind and her anger has renewed yet again about him and his illegal build.

My siblings abroad wants me to go to his land and take more pictures of the illegal garage. This isn't an issue for me.

My mother is someone who is like she's on steroids. There was torrential rain on Sunday and and she wanted me to do the task last Sunday but I don't own a car. It made no sense walking a few miles in torrential rain.

She wanted me to do take pictures this morning and I was going to do that but my partner led me astray for a few hours this morning and I just didn't get around to doing it.

I think the weather is due to be dry tomorrow morning. My mother is now insisting that she comes with me. She is likely trying to get a hold of my half brother who build the garage. She just wants to launch an attack at him a d order him to take it down. Don't bother eating lunch - TAKE IT DOWN NOW AND DONT SLEEP OR EAT OR DO ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL IT IS DOWN.

He knows what he did is wrong and I think he is just trying to get some time out of the land. I think.

I am in a place where I feel like I need to keep them separate because she won't stop until that man is hanging from a piece of rope. No joke.

Her anger and response is just not appropriate to the situation that is there.

So what will I do?

Do I entertain my mother and go to the plot of land tomorrow morning and take pictures. There really isn't any need for her to go. She just wants to get angry and then stay angry. I won't be able to listen to her.

Or will I plan my morning tomorrow morning to get up at the crack of dawn, get ready and leave for an very early morning walk before she gets up out of bed and do it then? She doesn't even know how to use any form of technology or phones or cameras. There's no need for her to come to supervise me taking pictures. She just wants to put herself into a position to become RAGEFUL. If I was to leave for about 8 am. I could get home for about 10 am and it will all be done and my ears and head would be saved from a nerve ending loop of hate.

She really isn't right. During one of her recent rants to be about my half sibling she asked me what if he was to get married. That was in relation to the shed he built on our other siblings land without permission. Hinting towards him possibly moving a wife and kids into his illegal shed. She's not married with children by the way.

Her mind is just not well.