Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

@Scrabsqueak welcome - your story sounds not unfamiliar !
@GnomeDePlume there is another thread that @PermanentTemporary started - her DM has died.

@PermanentTemporary 💐

@countrygirl99 haha so familiar!!

@Scrabsqueak it's all about doing something half way useful and keeping the elderly relative from serious harm. You can't and won't fix everything.

Good visit today. I have seen a payment sent out from her bank account to (what looks like) HMRC, so hopefully her tax is now paid. There was a just-arrived letter from HMRC saying her bank account wasn't letting her set up a DD - not sure why (did she accidentally give me the savings a/c details or are Halifax just shit or both? Eh) but she'd successfully managed a bank transfer in the end.

I am reassured of the strength of the stair lift as a bloke from Stannah popped in to check a junior guy's work, rode the chair up and down a bit and he was nigh on seven foot tall (!). But this visit meant we had to go out for coffee rather than lunch.

She had got us some chocs. "Thanks for bullying me into sorting my tax" chocs. I am eating them now. I feel they are earned!

Sorry to drop another vent.

And this one is particularly pointless. For the hundredth time I'm annoyed that my sister told my mum about 5 - 10 years ago that my mum was watching "too many soap operas". So my mum stopped watching Eastenders and Coronation Street and just watched Neighbours, which of course finished.

My sister is incredibly bossy and doesn't have any truck with people who don't live exactly the way she does. It's quite extraordinary. But that's a whole different thread.

I'm just fed up because mum gets lonely with not not much coming back from my dad. She watches other programmes but nothing really with the same use as soaps. She probably can't really get back into them because she wouldn't know who anyone was now. I'm a big believer in the escapist and cathartic nature of soaps. My mum is interested in people and so they'd be a low effort way to have a bit of interest in these fictional characters.

My sister is incredibly persuasive about these kind of things and my mum (and dad) often go along with it for a quiet life. I'm more likely to tell my sister to fuck off but she would put that down to me being a stroppy little sister.

Anyway, now most of my mum's friends have died and soap characters might have filled the gap. Pointless of me to moan but it seems so unnecessary of my sister. I wish she'd have butt out

My sister is a massive cultural snob and only The Archers is good enough because it's on Radio 4.

Obviously, she doesn't think she's a snob at all.

Well that has been a rollercoaster week. It’s a month since mum was admitted to hospital with debilitating pain from insufficient sacrum fractures from osteoporosis.

Even when I was up 2 weeks ago she was still in lots of pain and couldn’t really walk… fast forward to today and we get told she’s being discharged next week, with not an enhanced care package of six times a day - which we were promised - but four times a day. (Remember she’s doubly incontinent)

she’s going to go from having people around her 24/7 to only being seen 4 times a day. I live 400 miles away!!

how crap do I feel!!

brother will go back to visiting once a week for an hour maybe 2 if she’s lucky.

she’s been going to the gym in the ward with the physios every day to no physio therapy…. Aaarrgghh

I do like the Archers - but get your point and it’s only 13 mins a day!!

@watfordmummy that sounds so disappointing for your mum not to be getting the care she needs. It's so bloody difficult when you live far away too.

I’ve spoken to the dr today and they are going to raise my concerns.

DB was meant to be sent the care package today and it wasn’t sent. Who know what’s going on !!

New trainers day.
Get my steps in walking to and from the care home. Best foot forward!

😘

@PermanentTemporary I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your mum.

I’ve dropped off the thread but keeping you all in my thoughts. It’s hard going having elderly parents in need.

Are you okay @Dormit?

I have just read your three posts on this thread. You don’t mention a social worker. Has she had a care needs assessment done? If not you should request one.

Understandably you seem to want your mum to have company. Is she worried about being lonely and looking after herself too? If so perhaps you need to look at her moving to either Extra Care housing or a care home depending how great her needs are. The social worker needs assessment will help you navigate this move.

De lurking to say hello: pointed this way by @rookiemere and @BlueLegume from a thread I started on Friday re DM. V glad to have found you: recognise a lot of what has been said / you are all experiencing. I have a strong sense of buckling in. DM is on the slippery slip and is a PITA at the best of times and has previous for putting her head in the sand.

Welcome @Thaawtsom and make yourself comfortable. We can offer solidarity and lots of virtual gin and cake.

We have just agreed to request a care needs assessment for Mum, she seems to be managing OK on the surface of things but now dad has been in hospital / care home for 6 months the cracks are starting to show. She thinks she’s managing OK, and to some extent she is, but she is texting and calling me constantly to sort out admin problems and in between calls and texts she won’t leave it to me to sort out and spends hours fretting and trying to sort things out unsuccessfully and I can’t always drop what I’m doing, it is clear she is starting to neglect her self-care and the house. She is also spending anything up to 7 hours a day in Dad’s care home which is in walking distance of the house and therefore also not getting things done at home. Nothing wrong with her physically but mental health and fogetfulness are becoming a big problem. The care home have contacted me more than once with welfare concerns about her. DB and I can realistically only visit once a week each and even that is a bit of a strain with all the admin and constant texts/calls in between.

I've found some real gin in my cupboard.
I'd forgotten it was there.
Happy days.

I would like gin, sadly a cold samosa and a plastic cup of water will have to do.

Back in A&E with DF, he was found on the floor by his lunchtime carer. Very shaky, breathing bad again.

Oh dear, I am sorry.

Hello, not posted for ages - lots going on. Sorry to hear about your DF @Choconuttolata - A&E is hellish.

It has been a difficult few weeks here. DMIL died 2 weeks ago- it wasn't unexpected, she had advanced dementia- and DH flew to his home country to help SIL with everything. The day after DM was taken to A&E from her care home with heart failure. The doctors told us she had hours to days left and have moved her to palliative care and back to the care home. They are now saying she has weeks, but she seems physically stable and is still eating/talking, but rambling and paranoid. Meanwhile DF was in hospital 30 miles away having a third surgery for a break in his arm that happened 3 years ago and developed pneumonia. DS and I flew out for MIL's funeral and back the next day. DF is home now and wants to visit DM every day (understandably). I could really do with a large G&T but unfortunately am on antibiotics following a tooth extraction (had horrible toothache for the past two weeks) - so no alcohol allowed and I have even been told no hot drinks for now, so feeling very sorry for myself.
So, that's why I haven't posted for a while, but it feels cathartic to set it all out at least. I could go on...but will leave it there for now.
[Raises disappointing glass of fizzy water in solidarity]

Goodness @NDornotND you have got a lot going on, you must be exhausted. I hope that you can get some rest, is there anyone else to help you with your DF's visits to the care home to see your DM?

DF is now in the assessment unit on antibiotics, very confused, weak and unsteady on his legs. He tried to leap off the bed to pee in the sink in A&E last night and nearly ended up on the floor again. They don't really have the staff to watch him in A&E properly. DH relieved me at 1am. I came home, ironed the kids school uniform and finally fell asleep at 3am because DH kept phoning me with questions from the doctors/nursing staff at the hospital about DF. Up at 7am to do the school run, now back at the hospital 😵‍💫

Hell's teeth @Choconuttolata and @NDornotND you both have a lot on your plate.

Spent the afternoon with DM yesterday. She was mostly asleep. DD kindly came with so we sat either side of DM and quietly chatted over her. I dont think DM knew who we were but decided we were friendly and not bothering her so happily slept.

DM has had more blood tests (the last lot were lost somehow 🤔). On the back of these GP will decide what next. I think DM is sleeping so much now I'm not sure if sedation is necessarily still on the cards. Another of yesterday's problems.

Hello cafe members and thanks for all your kind thoughts on my DM’s death. It is strange being a ‘graduate’ of the thread. I have come down with an absolutely diabolical cold - the first virus I’ve really had for two years and it’s knocked me sideways. I am in the middle of the sadmin and trying to find a funeral date that works for the most essential people - as ever, trying to work out how to appease/ balance the diaries of my brother and my sister. Roll on probate.

I shouldn't ever need to go to the nursing home again. What a thought. Though we spent yesterday helping out dp’s DM… she was in fine form and is only ten minutes away - a weekly admin support visit works for her, she has a wonderful cleaner, and long may that last.

I may go on lurking for a while yet. I keep having flashbacks to the death. A very strange time.

DMIL’s funeral today. For the last few years she was the “easy” one as she has been in a care home since FIL’s death. We saw her a week before she died and she was delighted to see us, which I think was a gift for DH, who was a bit conflicted about some of her alcohol-induced absence in his adolescence. She died of a mixture of dementia and diabetes.
Have many happy memories of when DS was small. She was lovely to me, much nicer actually than my own DM, whom this week I’m taking to audiology to get a new hearing aid, and to B&Q apparently.