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Elderly parents

Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

1000 replies

GnomeDePlume · 13/01/2026 07:36

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

OP posts:
Choconuttolata · 26/01/2026 18:35

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar if she is choosing not to take it rather than forgetting then there is not much you can do. If she has capacity she will make all the right noises to the GP/social care anyway and they will leave her alone.

Had GP review appointment with DF today. She was really good and listened to everything I told her, very thorough. DF other than saying his breathing was bad sat there with his eyes closed through most of the appointment (a surprise because he normally says his breathing is fine when speaking to doctors). She prescribed some medication for his anxiety/panic attacks related to his breathing and also did the GPCOG test with him for his memory which he failed, he couldn't understand her question when she asked him to draw a clock face, let alone draw one with numbers on. Just got to have some routine bloods, a urine test and at his SSRI medication review in one month she will send the memory clinic referral. Might take months for them to see him, but at least he will be on the waiting list.

tobee · 26/01/2026 18:46

Hello again. I've not been on here for a while because lots of stuff just seems overwhelming at the moment and hard to précis. Nothing massively major but just endless stuff.

My sister was away for work for 8 days and in that time I had to go down to mum & dad's 3 times for various things like mum's phone suddenly being hard for mum to operate. Etc etc.

It's much easier talking to mum in person than on the phone but the journey there & back (2 hour round trip, so not exactly excessive) added on takes time and all my stuff at home goes on the back burner.

There was the fun time on the phone recently when dad was trying to do something on his own that would have been dangerous unsupervised and I listened in while mum & he were grappling over it. Mum couldn't let him because she was in the middle of cooking and has mobility issues. And it was upstairs and would have needed her help to dress him etc. Anyway she called the police (!!!) who came round very quickly and sorted it out very diplomatically.

Plus I've had mum say (when she couldn't get phone to work) that she was dying. And when she'd felt not well in the night that she was "on her way out". I know that she's having a hard time but it's hard when I don't really know what to do other than listen. My mum has always been a pessimist but not dramatic and is using words she would have been very angry with her sister using in the past; who is a drama queen.

I've had enough worries going on at home with Dh having major life changing surgery in October (recovery going good so far but constantly waiting on test results to monitor) My dd, who is 30 but lives at home and is autistic, has had various health tests recently that have been a domino effect and quite alarming. One of which was a check up on Christmas Eve which resulted in her getting sent directly to a&e for a different very worrying issue. And she's been having more tests since new year on various things; most of which have flagged up things that need further testing.

Partly because mum can't hear that well, and partly because I didn't want to worry her, I've played down DD's health issues so mum doesn't know this stress. It also seemed like a good idea initially but I didn't know everything would snowball.

I didn't go down to mum's last week but she wants me to come again soon but I feel like not going down this week and hoping my sister can go instead. Although she was ill after her work trip. I just want to focus on me, Dh, dd and ds. But it doesn't work like that.

Mum put out an sos last week because she couldn't remember how to change the hoover bag. I suggested her next day carer who comes for a longer stint on that day could help. But mum initially said she couldn't ask her and wouldn't be able to do it either. Of course I read in the carer report that the carer had managed it perfectly well.

I know mum is finding it so miserable and my dad is getting more and more confused etc etc but I just feel "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" And am trying to stop worrying about dd. That's what it feels like at the moment; if I can just calm down the worry that would be good. Trying to feel optimistic and to look forward to something seems to much at the moment.

tobee · 26/01/2026 18:47

Wow that was long.

rookiemere · 26/01/2026 19:12

That sounds hard @tobee. As a fellow one hour each way veteran- don’t minimise it. It’s far enough to be tiring to do in a day on a frequent basis and that’s without whatever you have to deal with in the middle and you have thinking about your DD as well.

Your DPs sound in a similar stage to mine.Not really able to live independently even with a plethora of carers, when really what they want is You to come fix their problems and not cognitively able to understand the strain it puts on you.

Horribly I have had to detach mentally quite a lot and am waiting for the inevitable crisis to force the situation. I am lucky as DH has been doing quite a lot of the visits since he stopped working at the end of the year. Even he is now talking about encouraging them into a care home, but I know unless DF is forced in through DOL or a doctor tells him to go in, he won’t stay there.

CrazyGoatLady · 26/01/2026 21:01

@rookiemere you describe it perfectly. Not really able to live independently, but no real alternative option other than lurching from crisus to crisis and them just expecting you to go in and clear up the mess every time.

DGM has said for the first time she thinks she might be better off in residential care. But the NHS want to discharge her home straight from the acute ward, because no beds in respiratory or cardiac, as soon as she's off the oxygen. She will be too frail to manage, even with carers coming in, I have no idea how this is meant to work. Looking at private respite care options if NHS won't do reablement, even just for a couple of weeks, because we will crack up if we end up in a situation like last time where we were essentially taking it in turns doing live in care before we got her into respite/reablement. At the time she only had carers once a day, when I did my stint of it I was trying to work while taking care of an almost bedridden elderly person, getting up several times a night to take her to the loo so I hardly slept. I was a zombie, I've barely recovered from it and here we are again.

I know all DGM wants is for family to take care of her, not to be bothered with carers, social workers, etc. But we can't. She refused to move when she could have, and now we are all stuck with it.

turkeyboots · 26/01/2026 21:37

I've had a crash course in Irish elderly care recently @BlackAmericanoNoSugar its all about the public health nurse, so I hope your Mum has a good one. Thankfully my DM also has a local Parkinsons nurse and they work together really well to organise care. They can do regular medication calls, so worth causing a bit of a fuss and see what they can do. Alone do a visiting service for the elderly too, if your DM would tolerate it?

The travelling is hard. Im a 3 hour drive from Mum, so useless in an emergency and its hard to get time round work and kids to go down just to do housework (and be berated for doing it wrong. There are reasons why I don't live closer to DM).

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/01/2026 22:03

Thanks @turkeyboots, I don't think my Mum has a public health nurse, good, bad or otherwise. I'll talk to the GP and see what she recommends.

turkeyboots · 26/01/2026 22:13

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/01/2026 22:03

Thanks @turkeyboots, I don't think my Mum has a public health nurse, good, bad or otherwise. I'll talk to the GP and see what she recommends.

There'll be one for the area, the GP can probably refer or just give you their phone number. They are busy and services are stretched, but they will help. Although getting weekend care is almost impossible it seems which is very frustrating.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/01/2026 23:22

The thing with Mum is that she can afford to pay for help, but she won't accept that she needs it. Perhaps if I can get her to visit the GP and the GP tells her to get more help in she might accept it, for about 20 minutes until she forgets what she's agreed to. Hmm All of her issues are very circular at the moment. Her wants are unrealistic, she eventually agrees to something that's possible, then forgets what has been agreed and goes back to unrealistic. I absolutely do not have the right personality to deal with flaky people (I know she can't help it, but I still get immensely frustrated).

One of the things that's driving me insane at the moment is that when she stopped driving she gave her car to my DS (who is 20), which is very kind of her. We offered to pay her for it, but she refused. So she keeps phoning me to say that DS needs to drive her to X because, after all, he got a free car. The thing is that DS is a shit driver (I love him, but love isn't blind enough to hide that fact) and Mum is a shit passenger and DS is mostly nocturnal and she wants to be places in the mornings. So I end up either driving her or organising someone to drive her. But she doesn't remember any of it, so she keeps ringing me to get DS to drive her and I tell her that so-and-so is taking her. Occasionally the person I've organised turns up to drive her and she's not there because she forgot she ever spoke to me about it and has got a neighbour or a friend to drive her. Every now and then I say "why don't I pay you for DS's car and then you won't keep asking him to drive you because he owes you" and she gets really pissed off and says that she never has and never will ask DS to do anything at all for her.

MysterOfwomanY · 26/01/2026 23:34

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar we're all raised with talk of "personality", "willpower", "soul" and so on, so it can be hard to face the fact that our brains are physical, and fallible, just like the rest of our bodies. Just as we can walk but still have galloping arthritis and not much in the way of mobility, the brain can be, kind of there but also, just a bit shit.
Getting medical attention is only part of the solution. Unless the problem is florid psychosis, the expectation is that the patient is motivated to take the meds, turn up to appointments and so on. (And here we all give a hollow laugh!).

The reality, particularly in the frail and/or elderly, is that, often, a common root cause is frying the brain along with the rest of the body.
So not only are they "physically" unwell, but also, Mr. Brain tells them, unhelpfully and inaccurately, that no, they're fine, they don't want to go to the appointment, or the appointment was last week, or they have been told not to take those meds, or, they'll "take them later", or, .... Or Or Or....

Anyway, I actually came here to gripe about having to be wildly unsympathetic and brutally persistent (putting it charitably) in getting my ER to phone HMRC to try and get the tax bill paid on time. (We set up a DD for this weeks ago, and there is 0 sign HMRC have done anything about it, like, use it to take the money they're owed, or anything. Grrr).
I actually do understand that when you're old and frail, the slightest thing can tip you out of sorts for ages, but chunky tax bills are one of those things it's bad to stick your head in the sand about.

In a few weeks when the Jan 31st craziness has blown over, I'll check the LPA docs, and if they say I can act now for finance, I might register them with her bank, HMRC etc. Then I can get cracking in, say, May, and go, "I'm doing your tax return Ok?... Here it is, the bill is this much, I'm going to pay it now, is that OK?..." - and leave her to do the stuff she's just fine with, like paying the gardener/plumber/whoever.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/01/2026 23:45

Yes, the tax man is a worry. I would very much hope that they wouldn't aggressively prosecute forgetful old people, but there's still statutory fines for late filing and stuff (I'm guessing, I've always been PAYE). Fortunately my DB is absolutely on top of all of Mum's financial stuff, which I'm really pleased about as I don't particularly want to do that. And he also got both financial and medical POA (or whatever the equivalent is here) but we haven't enacted it yet, because, you know, she's FINE. Grin

rookiemere · 27/01/2026 07:50

Talking about tax returns reminds me of when DM first had her fall and became bed bound. I had been up but when I spoke to her on the phone mid week I was so concerned that both DH and I took the day off work to go up and see her as I genuinely thought she didn’t have much time left. Instead when we got there she was sitting upright in bed looking relatively perky. As we were there we thought we better sort out important things like throwing put rotting food and cleaning the toilet, instead DM was very insistent that DH completed her tax return. This was April 2025 and at the time we both said we would be astounded if DM was still around by end Jan 26. There were a couple of incomprehensible letters from HMRC, DH reckoned they would claim the extra owed through her tax code, I did try phoning but after being on hold several times for a long time, I gave up. I guess I will find out after 31 Jan if she did owe money. It’s ok they have more than enough of it.

And here we are. DM still hanging on grimly at home. At this stage I wouldn’t be surprised if we have many more years of tax returns to complete.

turkeyboots · 27/01/2026 10:09

If she can pay for care you are in a great spot. I had a chat to Dovida care recently and they're very experienced at slowly ramping up care. I was recommended to start with something like cleaning or jobs shes happy to outsource. @BlackAmericanoNoSugar
The companionship care package of taking your elderly person out for entertainment and appointments is something Id love to afford. But its expensive and they only do 1 hour blocks as a minimum.
But I'd still get her on the public health nurses radar.

Isitsticky · 27/01/2026 10:28

Do we have Public Health Nurses in England?

turkeyboots · 27/01/2026 10:58

Isitsticky · 27/01/2026 10:28

Do we have Public Health Nurses in England?

I don't think so, our public health nurses do district nursing, post natal visits and elderly care. All under the health service umbrella. Social care is a LA function in the UK I think and separate from district nursing and community midwives and health visitors.

Isitsticky · 27/01/2026 11:13

Ah, in my county we do have PHNs but they provide services for children and young people, and include school nurses.

PermanentTemporary · 27/01/2026 12:42

Another call from Mum’s GP at the nursing home… she is a bit chesty, barely eating or drinking. I know that - at the weekend she slept for 2 hours while I was there and I took her lunch tray down untouched. She is walking in the valley of the shadow of death - but she has done that for so long. We want her to be released so badly.

ThunderFog · 27/01/2026 14:06

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar
the glaucoma drops have been my red line, since I took DF to his eye appointment and the consultant spelt it out to him - a proper telling off "you will go blind". DER did stop taking his - after 20+ years - and I got DF to repeat to DER what the consultant said. DER hasn't refused since. Then DER physically couldn't manage them and the visiting carers refused as they hadn't been trained. Now he is in a care home they do them and I check up on them. As I see it, blind DER would be even more exasperating than he is with eyesight.

tesseractor · 27/01/2026 17:36

Re tax returns we managed to get the fine for late filing removed, I think with some help from Age UK, for an elderly relative as her dementia advanced. It was actually one of the first things that really alerted the wider family that the wheels were coming off the bus, along with a couple of proactive pharmacists (community and hospital). She was a v bright woman who had been covering v well, and managed to convince many people for a long time she was ok. And ingrained good manners with a posh accent can go a long way.

countrygirl99 · 27/01/2026 17:46

Went up and took mum out for lunch today. Last time I forgot to check her pivotells (dealing with panic over "lost" debit card that was in her purse, replacing light bulbs, reminding her the debit card is in her purse, sorted out holey socks, reminded her debit card is in her purse etc - you get the picture. Morning tabs are in the dining room where she does the crossword, evening ones are in the living room where she watches TV. But she has the TV so loud she often doesn't hear the alarm and the evening carers are meant to check she has taken the tablets, timing set to before they come. Open up to refill and find she has only taken 5 evening tablets in the last 3 weeks so fired off an email to the care company.
Took her to lunch to a tea room we've been to several times, kept saying she'd never been there before. I bet I could take her again tomorrow and get the same comment but she did enjoy the outing.
Then to Tesco where I had to keep saying do you really need 3 packs of 4 fishcakes, 6 meat pies, a family sized pack of bacon, 4 48 packs of Weetabix etc. Back home and had to convince her that some of the fishcakes and pies need to go in the freezer because she won't eat them and the bacon and the meat pies before they go off. Took some doing, suspect they may have moved back to the fridge as soon as I left.
But on the plus side she did voluntarily wear the sensible Hotter shoes that have been left unworn on the shoe rack for nearly 2 years.

rookiemere · 27/01/2026 18:16

Oh lord @countrygirl99 . I was just complaining on another thread of DMs desire to put industrial quantities of food on the weekly online shop we have put in place for them. I think she feels vulnerable because she’s housebound and wants to make sure she doesn’t run out of food. Except due to DFs declining mental facilities the net result is she’s more likely to be fed out of date food because there is literally too much of it in the fridge and he isn’t capable of managing things in date order.
Drives me crazy as I can’t cope with the chaos that is their fridge.

BestIsWest · 28/01/2026 10:33

@countrygirl99 sounds so familiar!

@PermanentTemporary Flowers

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2026 11:03

@PermanentTemporary my DM is in a similar situation. She eats and drinks little but somehow it's just keeping body and soul together.

All dignity is gone. The person who DM was would be horrified by the person she has become. She was always very private about toilet matters. Now it's just something to be angry and sometimes violent about.

DM is frequently unable to swallow tablets (she can still swallow food and drink) so holds them in her mouth then spits them out when they start tasting bad. It seems to be that she doesnt recognise them as something to be swallowed.

Each time DM takes a turn for the worse we think this is it, she cant keep going. Then she rallies a little bit, eats a couple of mouthfulls of a meal so keeps going. It's emotionally exhausting.

OP posts:
Scrabsqueak · 28/01/2026 17:25

I wonder if I can join.
I do not have it nearly so difficult as most on here, but am struggling a bit.
My difficulty is with my MIL (88) . We live 400 miles apart. She lost her carer my bil, early in 2025, and has been living alone since. I try to visit at least once per month, have POA, and my DS tries to visit to, but as in early 20s and living so far away, not regularly possible. They are in constant phone contact.
MIL is not in great health, but massively resents carers, for both what they do and what they don’t do, if that makes sense. If they offer, eg to make a cup of tea she refuses crossly, then will say to me, they wouldn’t even make her a cup of tea.
She is absolutely full capacity, but old so memory etc not always perfect, although she can remember her NI number by heart.
I just feel I am constantly failing her as she is not happy, but I honestly don’t know how to help as all suggestions are batted away…

countrygirl99 · 28/01/2026 18:10

@Scrabsqueak welcome. The short answer is you can't help because she has capacity to make unhelpful/unwise decisions. But it's hard to get to the stage where you accept that and can build your own self defence strategies.

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