Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Thanks @GnomeDePlume! Much needed.

Thanks again @GnomeDePlume (I just thanked you on the old thread, which doesn't make much sense really...)

Checking in.

Checking in

Finding a seat and rummaging for snacks and 🍷

Thanks @GnomeDePlume!
@NDornotNDon the pulling back front, I have only instigated it recently so the proof of the pudding will be on my next visit up next week. I haven’t left it this long before since DM had her fall and I am slightly nervous about what may await me, but they do seem happy with their new cleaner so maybe the house will be ok.
Medically things are as stable as they are going to be for a while with them both and when things really start to crumble I want to have some energy and empathy for that and I can only do that if I regroup my strength now.
I feel horribly guilty but also a little bit hopeful. I fired an email off to the Marie Curie hospice next door about some administrative volunteering, I do need a purpose, but not in right frame of mind or ability to commit to set days in a paid role.

DM had her memory test this week. DB was there for it (it was done in her care home). He said she 'did quite well'. God knows what that means and TBH I don't trust him to be open with information. DM no longer knows where she is or when she is. She frequently thinks her parents are still alive and goes looking for them.

DB has a vested interest in maintaining the fiction of DM having capacity as that means he can keep control of DM's finances. There are LPAs in place but DB doesn't want us to take control.

DB was very cross when DM set up the LPAs, that wasn't what he wanted at all. In his view DM's money is really DF's money (DF died over 30 years ago) and DB should be in charge of it.

I don't think he is up to no good but he wants to keep it all secret. Getting information out of him is like the dance of the seven veils.

At some point we are going to need to clear and sell DM's bungalow to releasecash for care home fees. DB has zero common sense and is a terrible procrastinator so this work will no doubt fall to DH and me. I don't want to have it dumped on us in a rush.

Another bad daughter (in law) checking in.

Thank you @GnomeDePlume. I wonder when you will hear more about the memory test results?

Feeling more of a sad daughter than a bad daughter for once. Mum so nearly died on Saturday. I wish her body would let go.

Tbh it will be very odd to ‘graduate’ from the cafe - though dp’s Mum is still with us, but pretty on the ball despite poor sight and medical issues - she took a bus to the local shopping town yesterday. Great success.

@Dormit I just read your update from the last thread - that sounds such a step in the right direction! Hope things continue more positive.

Hugs @PermanentTemporary

@GnomeDePlume you've checked the LPA for finance to make sure it's not effective now anyway? (Iirc the one for my elderly -elderly IS but she's dealing with her finances fine... Bar the problems of touchscreens with arthritis).

Nothing stopping you (I suppose) ... assessing what to do with the bungalow contents. When FiL moved into sheltered housing, basically he & his kids went through the house putting a sticker on stuff they wanted, and the rest was taken by house clearance. Easier, I know, with someone who was not at all a heavy shopper, more interested in his garden (I still have his spade and fork ♥️).

I feel sheepish saying this, as I know full well that after coming back from a visit I just slump on the sofa - rather than looking at the activities list she was given to see which I should chivvy her along to.

So we've finally reached the crunch point. The council are demanding that the deputyship papers are served on my elderly relative (ER). Small mercies - the social worker has agreed to be there when we go and do it. But it's going to be awful - ER has enough understanding to be deeply opposed to anyone having management of their finances (they threw something at the social worker when LPoA was suggested last year). I'm actually really scared - both that there will be physical violence and the repercussions if it does get violent. Or if awful things are said. ER is going to accuse us of everything under the sun, and it's going to irrevocably destroy some relationships I think.

And of course, it's all going to happen on the busiest week of work. So I've had to beg and plead for a day off, but will working long days the rest of the week to make up for it. So I don't know how I'm going to carve out headspace to support the family......

Can't admit it to anyone IRL, but I'm kinda shitting it about the whole thing!

Not at all surprising. Hope you can plan something nice for the afternoon/evening of that day.

Worth asking the social worker if at least they can join you in the morning so that you don’t have to be dreading it all day?

I have to drive to ER's place (husband doesn't drive), and it's a 3 hour drive each way, so we've scheduled it as early as we can, allowing for transport. All things being equal, I'll probably drive us home then have to jump straight on to a couple of hours work but such is life..... At least the drive will give my husband time to decompress...

@roundaboutthehillsareshining it'll happen, it may or may not blow chunks, and then, however it went, it'll be DONE and OVER. 💐

Greetings everyone,
I’m heading straight back to the bad daughters lounging area for a little lie down.

@roundaboutthehillsareshining that sounds tough, but agree with @MysterOfwomanY that it will soon be done. Presumably it has come to this point because it’s unavoidable and ultimately in ER’s best interests? If so you can at least console yourself with that, even if it’s hard in the moment.

@GnomeDePlume I am worried about your DB. Have you any sight at all of your DM’s finances? How do you know you won’t be doing all the work and he will just skip off into the sunset with the proceeds? Sorry to be alarmist but he’s never come off well in your updates!

@MotherOfCatBoy I have never seen DM's finances so I guess I am taking the numbers he gives me (revealed veil by veil) on trust.

I've known him for nearly 60 years and he is generally honest. The problem is that his lack of common sense means that he assumes that his way is the right way. Any other way is therefore wrong.

He can't see that impersonating DM to manage her finances could look like fraud. I have explained this to him but he cannot see it. He is absolutely convinced that the only way to protect DM's (and in his mind, DF's) finances is for him to have sole control.

It is very frustrating to say the least!

Yeah I know. It's just that ER, while she has a cognitive impairment, doesn't have dementia. She knows how she wants things to be, but a combination of psychiatric illness and brain injury mean she can't make it be that way - her executive function is very limited. But she understands exactly what deputyship means (i.e. not having control of her own finances) and in her mind, it means we're stealing from her. She'll never forgive any of us....

@roundaboutthehillsareshining So hard. Is one of you the deputy? Can you share the workings with her so she feels she still has a view to contribute/ can at least see everything is still « there? »

@GnomeDePlume he might come up against a few brick walls when institutions start asking to speak to her. I guess you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Time will tell.

I went to see DPs yesterday after not seeing them since last Sunday - the carers visited twice a day for an hour each time. They're alive and no complaints about the carers, but both saying they can't manage. DF would probably be fine with care visits, but cannot manage DM's demands in between. Her mobility is very limited, but she wobbles around very unsteadily with a stick. They sleep in separate rooms. She had him up in the middle of the night to get her a blanket because she was cold. He then sat with her for half an hour until she fell asleep. She was complaining to me that then he 'didn't come back'. I told her, he needs to sleep as well! She was also furious that he slept through till the carers arrived at 9.30. Anyway, I told her to cut him some slack, but apparently this means I am being mean to her....I bought her a walking stick with 4 feet today in the hope it will make her feel a bit more stable and am going over to sort out their tea shortly. No idea where we go from here. More care visits? A care home? Wait for the next inevitable crisis and see where we end up?

@NDornotND have your parents said if they'd be willing to go into a care home?
It sounds very tricky.

What do you think they would both like to happen (reality based, ie obviously they would prefer to be younger or fitter)?

Something I bullied DP into, I mean encouraged them to do, was to get an OT assessment at home for his Mum. In her case the outcome was in fact that there was almost nothing that she needed and her mobility was good, which gave both DP and his sister and his mum quite a lot of confidence. But there might be things that could help your mum - a wheeled walker with a tray sounds potentially helpful for example, but it’s always possible that something else would be better. But I personally would try and get an OT to review them at home. There’s often an OT within the social services team? I’m afraid we paid for a private one which wasn’t cheap but DP’s sister was talking about a nursing home and I really thought she didn’t need it.

I have to say our council’s Care and Repair service have been remarkably good in that respect. We’ve had three visits over the years and they have fitted an handrail up the stairs, by the back steps, grab handles in the toilet and shower - and would have fitted a seat if DM had wanted one and most recently, a handrail from the front door to the gate. All for free. When she had a fall the NHS physios and OT supplied a commode (she wont use it though) and a riser for the sofa.

Have a look to see if your local council operate a similar service. The principle of it is to keep older people in their homes as long and as safely as possible to help prevent the need for care so the chances are there will be something.