Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Glad to hear all is okay @Dormit and that your DM should be home today.

There is nothing like a poorly communicated unnecessary health scare. Glad you are ok @dormit.

My DM is now in hospital. She flew home alone as she originally planned. The airport help service wanted to take her to hospital, she refused. My aunt met her at the airport and she again refused to go to hospital. The taxi driver offered to drop her at her local hospital. Also refused.
The next morning her carer called an ambulance, shes been admitted with severe pneumonia. Aunt and I may murder my sister who let her get on the plane and would not keep her for a bit long to let her recover more. Although my sister is now planning to come over as "no one else will look after Mum"
Hopefully I'll get to see her today. But it 3hours drive each way for a 10 min visit as shes an infection risk to my immunosuppressed child. So Ill be gowned and masked up if the ward will let me in.

To be fair to your sister (and I really don't want to be because she sounds like a PITA) it sounds like it would have been impossible to make your DM be sensible. I mean she was clearly so ill that non-medical strangers were wanting to send her to hospital and she refused.

I hope she's over the worst quickly, but it might be a long recovery. I had pneumonia when I was in my 40s and it took me weeks to get back to normal so at your Mum's age it might be months.

I am an absolute cow so I generally lean in to the type of person that your sister is (criticising other people while actually making things worse herself). I would say "Fantastic, it will be a great help to have you here, there's so much to be sorted out and Mum will need a lot of extra care. What date will I tell Mum that you are arriving?" (She's not coming, you know that, I know that and I don't even know her.)

The taxman has been paid, the shredders (which, it turns out, I should have emptied six months ago - they work much better now!) have been emptied, and best of all, I showed her a cat video which made her laugh like a drain. Good to see.
She's planning to change care companies too. I don't know where this can-do attitude came from but long may it last.
I would, of course, be foolish to assume it will last. Especially as we're going away next week.
And a big thanks to the young lad from Stannah who came round to sort her stair lift. The sort of person who gives whoever they work for a good rep!

I see you've met my family! Unfortunately I can never really trust what DM or Dsis say as they love the drama and dislike clear communication. I wouldn't be shocked if my sister randomly appeared this weekend, or if I heard nothing from her for months.
Mum is settled in hospital thankfully and respiratory rehab starts next week. Her version of it all blames Dsis. I don't believe sis would be neglectful, in combination they a disaster though. Hopefully things will calm down now.

Having a rubbish week. I've been ill again with a horrrible cough, MIL got a diagnosis of mixed dementia and FIL is being noisy in the care home shouting out inappropriate comments. DH asked BIL could he please come more often to help us out his response was he'd look in "the diary" . That usually means he's too busy training for a 10k or having tennis lessons or some other nonsense to spare any time. To cap it all MIL managed to get poo all over her bathroom floor and put her dirty hands on about 4 towels. I'm washing them now at the hottest temperature possible.

I hope you're feeling better soon @StillNiceCardigan . I was just talking to my friend the other day about how much poo is involved at the beginning and end of life. I was specifically talking about my elderly dog, but it applies across other species too.

@Dormit I hope you've managed to have a bit of a rest and your DM is recovering well.

@StillNiceCardigan Hope you're feeling a bit better too and your MIL's diagnosis helps. We're still awaiting more assessments before we can get a proper diagnosis for DM and I'm hoping at least knowing what is happening might relieve some of her anxiety and make it easier to plan.

My DM has not had a serious incident (no 'falls' or hallucinations) since staying with B so they have both decided she definitely doesn't have dementia and was just not coping well in such a big house on her own. I would love that to be true, but there are so many other, less dramatic, symptoms.

B is clearly (understandably) starting to find having her sleeping in their living room less than ideal but DM doesn't want to go home and is very happy there. Their suggested solution is DM moving to a small place near B, but whenever any of the practicalities of this are discussed B and DM both say there's no need to rush any decision. She also now says (after previously agreeing she should have a carer to her home at least once a day) that she won't accept any paid carers unless it's the same person every day, which she knows from others is not realistic. Personally, I don't think she'd cope alone in a new place for long (I think it's doubtful she'd make it to a week before she was scared and hallucinating at night again) but she is refusing to even consider returning to her house. I really can't see how this will play out other than B suddenly deciding he's had enough and expecting me to move her in with me. He has told me (and DM) that DM has capacity so can decide where she wants to live, and if that's with one of us we just have to do it. He has suggested that I could 'easily' send one or both of my teenagers (both at school/college) to live elsewhere to make room for DM and I baby them too much anyway- which is laughable since he was living rent free with my DP until he was nearly 40!

@GnomeDePlume how are you doing?

@SockFluffInTheBath thank you for asking.

In a strange way things with DB are better. He finally accepts DM's dementia is real and not getting better.

DM is now unable to really do anything for herself. She is struggling to coordinate herself to use a sippy cup without assistance.

DM can still speak clearly but is making less and less sense. DD is expecting a baby and and DM has decided she is going to have a puppy! Totally accepting of this. We had been talking about family dogs earlier so that was the thought which had stuck.

I think we are just in a steady downward slide. DM is due another review soon after having most of her medication stopped.

@bigbootsweather I really hope you know that you absolutely do not need to house your mum in your home! You also have capacity and can decide how you live your life and with whom.

I don't know the history of your situation but mum dictating to everyone, if that has been a thing in the past does not need to be tolerated.

Good luck.

@bigbootsweather he's making outrageous comments about your DC especially given that he did not move out until he was 40! What a pain he is.

@GnomeDePlume its so hard watching the decline. I hope DM is happy about the ‘puppy’?

@bigbootsweather
He has told me (and DM) that DM has capacity so can decide where she wants to live, and if that's with one of us we just have to do it.
My cynical reaction to that is he will be working on her to say she wants to live with you. No is a complete sentence and like the others have said you also get a choice.

@GnomeDePlume Thinking of you. However inevitable, this must be so hard for you

@gallivantsaregood @Mumbles12 I've made it as clear as I possibly can that living with me is simply not an option. When it was first hinted at months ago I did make the mistake of trying to justify why it was impractical but now it's a simple 'No'. The family dynamic has always been...interesting. B has always been overly dependent on DM and in return she has put up with/excused abysmal behaviour and destructive life choices and tried to shield him from any consequences/discomfort/stress. As 'the sensible one' she always tried to push me to go along with her narrative, join in shielding him and create the facade of a tight-knit family. My refusal has always caused tension (there have been some crazy moments eg. telling me I should threated to call off my wedding unless DH changed his plans and made B his best man). I think somehow in her muddled brain agreeing with B that all is well and staying with him is just her continuing this well practised narrative. For now, the only thing I think I can do is keep up whatever support for her I'm prepared to offer and let them get on with it. I think @SockFluffInTheBath has a point though and B will at some point try to push the idea that obviously living with me would be better all round. DM's latest position is that she definitely does not want to live alone again but she will not consider any sort of arrangement where she shares communal spaces with other older people. Which of course only leaves living with family. If we every manage to talk about how unsustainable the current arrangement is, she snipes about members of the extended family who have spare rooms and, in her view, should offer her a place to live. I don't know whether it's dementia, underlying personality or a bit of both but she isn't willing to accept that whilst she can't be forced to do something she doesn't want to do, other people can make their own choices too.

@bigbootsweather it is probably both underlying personality/belief system (DB is to be appeased at all costs) plus dementia removing empathy or rationality.

It is part of the cruelty of dementia. Just at the point where a person needs the most care and consideration they themselves become inconsiderate, uncaring and downright difficult.

@bigbootsweather your DM can want what she wants but when what she wants is not possible then she will just have to get on with whatever options are viable. Unfortunately, there often needs to come a point where actually our elderly relatives don't actually have much of a choice. If they need care and family can't or won't do it, then either they live at home with carers coming in or they move into a care home. And at times even that choice may not be available and tgey may just need to accept whichever option is the only one.

I think your plan to do the bits you feel you can and want to do and let them get on with the rest is a sensible one, for your own sanity. And just remember that what you want to and are able to manage may change over time and that's OK too.

A new thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5474948-cockroach-cafe-spring-in-autumn

Hi 👋
Back again!
Mum has deteriorated hugely in the past 2 weeks...intractabld back pain, sickness...
She's now doubly incontinent, I've realised today.
She had 2 falls last weekend.
Sibling took her to a&e yesterday due to pain. Dr wanted to admit her but there was a wait for a bed so she came home!
I'm SO angry with my sibling. First bloody emergency hospital visit and they wouldn't even convincd her to stay.
Spoke to a dr at the gp surgery today who is doing an OT, dietician and continence nurse referral but god knows how long they will take.
So I've just filled out an online ASC assessment form.
I think she's unsafe in the house now.
Meeting with siblings later to discuss.
Sigh.

Hi @Glennponder that sounds tough, come over to the new thread, link above ⬆️

Sorry, can't see it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5474948-cockroach-cafe-spring-in-autumn

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume
At our last visit my dad apparently told my partner that they won’t move now. If he’d said it to me I would have asked him how he thought they’d manage when they needed care.
He assumes my sister and I will do it of course.