Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

The slight paranoia or victimisation sounds very familiar. DM had many such tales. Her shoulder hurt because she had been beaten up (no bruising), she was upset because she had been made to work very hard beyond her shift etc etc.

I think so much of it isnt and never was real. I remember her describing a party where all the children were running in and out around the adults. I realised she was describing the closing sequence of the film Notting Hill. In her mind this was her party.

Mum did not unplug the care line alarm from the wall. Oh no, the carers must have done that despite the big sticker over it saying not to unplug it.
And she is never phoning to ask for help ever again.

@GnomeDePlume That sounds very familiar, particularly the incorporation in to her 'memories' of things she's seen on TV/heard happening to others.

DM has always had a tendency to 'adjust' the past but I now wonder if some of the examples in recent years could have been an early symptom of dementia.

Similar to @countrygirl99 's description, my DM likes to tell anyone 'official' what she thinks they want to hear. I've learned recently that she has also been 'fibbing' to me about what she eats; telling me she's eaten a proper meal and binning some of her pre-prepared meals so that I won't know she forgets/can't be bothered.

Of course, some of this plays in to Bs hands, as DM will agree with him when he says she's very capable and doesn't need any significant support.

And the problem with telling officialdom 'what they want to hear' is that it is actually what they want to hear. Less work for them. Until a crisis occurs but that will be for someone else to deal with.

Sorry! Is my cynicism showing?

Oh we have the opposite problem. ER tells them awful things which have happened and which are being done to her, makes all sorts of accusations against staff. Absolutely not what "authority" wants to hear. But then none of it adds up, and you realise she's saying it because she wants them all to go away and definitely doesn't want to cooperate. And it does work for her, staff decline to work with her as the kind of allegations she makes would be potentially career-ending.

DB2 had a conversation with goldenballs this afternoon. He was so arrogant and rude that at this rate he will be going NC as well if he gets much more of the same. And DB2 is far more diplomatic than me.

Couldn't agree more. When a social worker came to do a needs assessment after a fall, DM told him all about her big family (she is from a big extended family but rarely sees any of them- some have passed and most are just as old and unwell as her), how busy she is and how well she's managing with her walking frame etc. B told him how well she manages and all the things he's 'just started' (in response to me saying I was not aware of this) doing for her to make life easier/nicer (daily visits, outings every weekend, home made meals delivered to her etc and plans for refurbing her bathroom so it's safer). I couldn't work out whether the social worked left thinking I was getting over-involved requesting an assessment for an old lady who was clearly being well cared for by her lovely son (and who clearly hadn't bothered to speak to them about how she was managing) or saw through them but didn't want the extra work.
I think she needs a reassessment now, but currently DM is still staying with DB so I am keeping my head down (well, until the 3 visits for medical appointments next week, which means 3 full days off work and will almost certainly get us nowhere). I'm slightly worried about going doing this as DB will be at home when I take her for 2 of them (one is his day off work, the other will probably finish after he gets home). DM wants me to take her and pick her up/drop her off at his place and I don't want to add to his narrative that I am refusing to do anything for her. Since his latest aggressive rants when he threw me out of DM's house (which didn't happen apparently) DH has picked her up etc when I've seen her so that I don't have to encounter him but DH is back at work now. Despite having quite a lot to say about DH in his latest rant, DB doesn't seem to want to shout at someone his own size.

Why isn't DB taking her on his day off?

Probably a silly question!

From his perspective- because he does 'everything else' (his argument even when DM was not staying with him) and I promised DM I would do all her appointments (I didn't make any such promise, I just dropped everything to take her when DF was ill and it's been expected ever since). I also foolishly told them I have a lot of flexibility with my job (when I was trying not to make DM and DF feel like a burden when DF was ill) and this has been interpreted, despite explaining regularly, as 'bigboots doesn't really have to work' rather than 'bigboots will need to work through the weekend to make up for being here today'.
From my perspective- because a) I don't want him to undermine what's been done so far to try to get a proper dementia assessment, b) the one time he did take DM to a medical appointment he arranged an important follow up appointment and assured everyone I would take her, but 'forgot' to tell me. I only found out by chance when I called her GP to make a routine appointment the day before. and c) when DF was in hospital I overheard DB being incredibly rude to staff if they were not doing exactly what he said, when he said which I don't think is conducive to getting the best help.
So in short, because he's an arse

@bigbootsweather so basically he'd fuck everything up if he did.

In a conversation with DB I have realised that he has done very little research into dementia. I was explaining to him that the words used to describe dementia symptoms in a clinical setting dont necessarily correspond with their common usage.

Hallucinations can simply be seeing or hearing something which isnt there. It doesnt necessarily mean a whole alternate reality.

Confusion can mean believing something different from reality. It doesnt mean befuddlement. DM believes herself to be in her 30s or 40s, sometimes older, sometimes younger. For her these are facts in the moment, she isnt confused though she can be confusing.

Forgetfulness doesnt simply mean forgetting a name, word. It can mean no longer knowing quite fundamental things about children, spouse etc. Forgetting in common usage suggests that something can later be remembered. What I have seen with DM is that knowledge is gone.

I dont blame him because he was very close to DM and was really hoping her decline was temporary. This has made the step into dementia-land a real step into the abyss for him as it is a sudden realisation that this isnt getting better.

Of course this is another of yesterday's problems. DM isnt going to get better. We are taking it day by day. She is eating and drinking very little and is staying in bed. This could go on for weeks though I doubt we are looking at months.

I know I sound cold. I wasnt as close to DM as DB was. For me the person who was DM drifted away many months ago. DH found this with his DM. Also the same with DF as the cancer eventually reached his brain.

To add more anxiety to the situation I had a scheduled ultrasound of my abdomen and pelvis last night and the report is already with my GP and I’ve been asked to go in today to see her. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m not sleeping as it is. Google tells me likely to be nothing concerning but I am concerned at being asked to go in. My appointment is in 20 minutes. The sonographer said her report would take 2 weeks so it’s e tea worrying she’s gone it so quickly.

How worrying Dormit. Thinking of you this morning.

@countrygirl99 Got it on one!

@GnomeDePlume I think your feelings about your DM having already drifted away are not unusual. My FIL had a lot of health problems, including dementia, for years before he passed and DH felt he didn't really grieve when he passed as the process of losing him had happened very slowly over the years that he became less and less himself. Dementia really is cruel.
You make a good point about understanding the language used about dementia symptoms. I can see how easy it would be to fool yourself that it's not happening if you haven't done the research. It sounds like your DB is just so close to your DM that he hasn't wanted to accept it, which must make it harder when it becomes undeniable. I've tried to explain to my B how some of what we are seeing with DM fits with online advice (from NHS, Age UK , Alzheimers Society etc so not random rantings on the internet) about dementia but he won't listen. I'm sure some of this is that he doesn't want to face the reality but I'm afraid he always thinks he knows better than everyone else.

Anyone else on https://carents.co.uk ? I'm joining their Time to Talk video session next week and would be nice to see some faces from here on there. Been a long time lurker here and seeing all of your posts helps me feel not so lonely.

Thinking of you @Dormit I hope you are okay, not what you need right now.

@GnomeDePlume it sounds like your DB is slowly beginning to acknowledge the situation with your DM which will also begin the process of grieving so he may waver up and down as it hits him.

In news here may have found a bungalow for DF very near ours that would reduce some of the travelling pressure on us and make it easier for him as no stairs, he seems keen so just waiting to hear back from vendor.

@Dormit I hope your appointment went ok and there is nothing serious. Please do take care of yourself- you do so much for your DM and your DCs

Hoping that all is well with you @Dormit.

I was out for lunch with some friends today, including my cousin. I was telling them about my Christmas presents from Mum. She had asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted a really good chef's knife, just one but very high quality. The lady who took her shopping (not her 'carer' because Mum doesn't need a carer, why would she when she's perfectly fine ) told me that Mum had bought it for me. When I unwrapped my presents I got a wooden knife block with 10 knives from Tefal (not a specialist knife company, I am a bit of a knife snob). So it turns out that my cousin got my knife, she's going to give it to me the next time I see her because she has no need for it. Someone else at the lunch is about to organise an 'unwanted present' sale to raise money for the scouts to buy new tents so she's going to take the knife block along with several other slightly weird things that Mum gave everyone in the family. So everybody wins, including Mum because she loves shopping but hates clutter so always buys too much for others.

I burst into tears as soon as I got in the doctors room and felt a right idiot. I’d felt tearful all morning taking down the decorations at mum’s but her not there doing it with me. She’ll be home tomorrow but I got to thinking if it would be the last time. The GP wasn’t concerned about the results. I have a fatty liver but have had that years and I think it’s very rude seeing as I don’t drink and am pretty fit and healthy. My mum does too and doesn’t drink and has always eaten less crap than me and was active until her spine became problematic. The GP said they see it in a lot of people and not to worry. There’s a 2mm area on my uterus that could be a fibroid perhaps but is tiny. The sonography didn’t say in the report that I needed an urgent referral to gynae or anything so the GP isn’t concerned but will check with the senior GP just to make sure. I have a long history of endometriosis and pelvic pain for going on 40 years. My recent bloods showed no abnormalities and my pain levels are normal for me. So it seems the way it was communicated and my anxious state equalled a panic response. Thank you for the hand hold, I appreciate it.

Mum is home tomorrow and should hopefully have 4 calls a day while dad gets her confidence back. All the Christmas stuff is away in the loft, the tree outside ready to cut up and put in the garden waste bin, her bedroom is clean and tidy and her bed has fresh bedding. I think I got all the pine needles up but those things turn up months later. I got two loads of washing done too so a productive day. I’ve walked over 10 miles and am tired now and hoping I’ll sleep better than last night. I’m off to catch up on the thread but hope everyone is ok.

Glad things went better than feared @Dormit

Oh Dormit what a relief for you.
I'm thinking you've just been through so much more than the average person ever does.

Glad to hear you’re ok @Dormit . Sounds like you need a good rest.

@Dormit I hope you were able to rest and that your DM is now safely home.

@Dormit we'd all have shat ourselves in that situation! Hope you are clawing back some sleep now.