Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Oh he is gorgeous! What a cutie. We have two black and silvers.

Ooh, animals!
Here are my two, and the reason for my user name. My neighbour can't remember their names so he calls them The Broon One and The White One.

So cute @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne. I’d love a cat.

Cute pets.
I think the cockroach cafe is a good name as -to me- it’s reflective of the fact that nobody would actually choose to be in this club/cafe as frankly it mostly feels a bit rubbish, but it’s so good to have the support and experiences of others in the same situation.

Yesterday’s hospital visit with DF went rather well - huzzah ! I had a bit of what felt like a panic attack beforehand in my exercise class in the morning because I hadn’t been there for a bit - maybe I do need to go on HRT after all. But the taxi worked brilliantly, everyone expressed admiration at DF reaching 92, he treated the whole event as a social outing - to be fair he never goes out due to DM and I didn’t lose him and he didn’t end up in A&E. I did groan inwardly at the health professionals all wanting additional appointments to recheck his BP and various other things, because he can’t go on his own so every visit to do routine checks on an elderly person will require me to accompany him there, but hey ho.

All good except DM and DF now act like warring toddlers and I sense DM felt annoyed that DF had so much of my time and that I seemed to be happy. Therefore to burst my bubble,she is now insistent I accompany her to a medical appointment next week that she previously said she would do alone. Of course as I am not working I can’t say no to my poor elderly DMs request , and actually I thought initially I was needing to go, but the whole thing took the wind out of my sails a bit.

I did play a blinder though as I didn’t mention that the chat next week at the hospice is for volunteering and may instead have given the deliberate impression it was for paid work which is of course more important and means I could possibly say no to things.

Sorry I should also have mentioned DM gets an ambulance to any appointment because she is bed bound. I was able to accompany her in the ambulance for the last appointment, but they have said that going forward I can’t do that. So I need to do battle in the hospital car park which will be fun. At least she won’t get lost as cannot go far in a wheelchair.

One of the very useful things about DM being in a care home is that now, unless large, imoveable bits of kit are required, the testing is done at the home. A hospital visit requires hospital transport including stand aids or hoist to move her from one place to another as DM can't stand unaided.

Though, to be honest, there isnt a lot of testing left to be done. DM's heart has an irregular rhythm, her kidneys are knackered, she has a catheter. In better physical and mental health she would have a pacemaker and a permanent catheter (or the therapy to mean this wasnt necessary).

So on we go but I dont really know why.

I am now in A&E with DM. GP blood test showed low sodium, so they recommended urgent admission- why this has to be via A&E I don't know- seems like a waste of NHS resources and is very stressful for me and mum. She's been on a trolley for more than 12 h. They ordered her a proper bed, which is now here, but there's no staff available to move her across. I stayed for the first 4h, then went home for a few hours sleep, then came back on the bus @rookiemere , as parking is impossible.
They are planning to keep her in. I am hoping this will precipitate something re the home care situation. Am I being over-optimistic??

MIL has thanked DH for my ' 'imaginative' suggestions, I think this is her polite hyacinth passive aggressive put down. I should know my place. After 30 years of knowing them I feel sad they are no longer the 50 somethings I first met but they are making aging really hard and sad.
Imaginative suggestions include

• an electric fire (reversible) when they don't want the trouble of an open fire.

• New chairs rather than the low slung second hand 30 year old sofa that's more of a futon along with a saggy arm chair with three extra cushions.
• getting the carpet out all the bathrooms for an easier clean surface.

i am the bad DIL but I don't see any of their kids brave enough to suggest change.

Not my circus, not my monkeys but so frustrating to be on the side lines.

@OldTime that sums it up doesn’t it - « making aging really hard and sad. »

That’s what gets me about my DPs the most - it doesn’t have to be like this. They are so dug into their dirty, cluttered home that they really will get carried out one day, probably on a stretcher. It’s sad.

Agreed @OldTime and @MotherOfCatBoy.
DPs have more than enough money to make their final years pleasant. Instead they needlessly fight every proposed adaptation or support - even when it’s free.

So for example DM is bed bound so DF now preparing and shopping for household meals. DF is losing his memory so I
thought it was a good idea to gradually up the cleaners hours so she could help with things like checking the date of things in the fridge and potentially eventually meal preparation. The company we use provides services like that and the cost is half of a cafe agency because it’s not personal care. Except DM won’t hear of having the cleaner for more than two hours, whilst simultaneously saying how worried she is about DF. I don’t know if it’s a concern about cost ( they are worth around a million all told) or lack of independence, a stubborn desire to assert their only bit of independence or a move to force me to visit more often ( if it’s that it’s backfired badly).

The net result is I have given up except for medical matters, they can live as they wish and probably lose the amazing cleaner because they expect her to do so much in a mere two hours.

I wish they could see that the rainy day they have saved for is now here and how much easier and more comfortable their lives could be, and by default mine too.

@NDornotNDsorry about your DM, but as you say hopefully it may force some change. I am no expert but I think you can speak to the doctors and say it would be an unsafe discharge if she is let out without a support package.

My dad ended up with hospice at home but all my mum's gradual prep over the previous 20 years made the disruptive chaos bearable.
DH argues that adaptations for his parents could pretty much be put in over night like it's a changing rooms episode. I argue that that's more disruptive and demeaning .
I'd rather see them choose, order, have made for example a recliner in a stunning tweed to match their room then BIL picking the top faux leather one from Facebook marketplace. Watching them drag each other out of their 'not old people's 'furniture is cringe worthy, unsafe and is more likely to see them in a care home earlier.
They spent the bulk of their retirement shopping and gathering stuff for their house, it's a joint creative endeavour which is now just depressingly exhausting with repeating maintenance. There's been endless decluttering for decades. Finally the import of antiques, ornaments, items brought back from the tip and the car boot has slowed. Previously they spent huge amounts of money on curtains and furniture why stop now, just when they need a reassess.

Just catching up...

Sorry to hear about your DM @NDornotND I hope you can be involved in discharge planning once she is on the ward.

There is so much fear around change for our elderly, accumulation of items and refusal to change old familiar items is a way of holding on to the past. My DAunt who died last year was an extreme example of this with her hoarding and refusal to accept help.

I was with my DF yesterday and he was insistent that he needed keys for the garage, a garage that he can't walk to, with a door he can't open or re-lock, but having the key makes him feel in control and the only thing he can control really now are what he eats, what he wears, what medical treatment and personal care he will accept and things in his home and personal effects. So that is what he asserts his control over because he feels so out of control of his declining health and he is afraid of dying. He gets anxious when he is alone and will create reasons for us to go there because we are familiar and safe.

@OldTime @rookiemere It is so hard to navigate this resistance when you are trying to help them manage better at home with simple adaptations and stay in their familiar environment longer and they stick their fingers in their ears to every suggestion hoping that the march of time will somehow magically not lead to the inevitable requirement to accept help when a crisis happens that takes it out of their hands.

I dont know if it was a generational thing but my DPs (born just before WW2) were totally resistent to anything which was 'standard'. Everything needed to be bespoke, even if that meant it was shoddy, badly done and mismatched.

This meant that over the years DM became a clutter magnet. So many 'special' things which will eventually end up in a skip.

Wish me luck for Wednesday. Got British Gas coming to quote for moving mum's heating controls so we can fit a lock box over them. As she's now fiddling with the controls and calling me the TV engineer out daily, sometimes multiple times a day. The carers check the controls twice a day and DB usually manages to cancel the calls but if he misses one it's always because she's switched it off/ left the times unset/ set the timer so it's only on for half an hour in the wee hours. She will deny this happens and be apoplectic with fury.

Oh @countrygirl99 I’m so happy to hear that! It sounded insanely difficult and oddly impossible to do anything about despite being phenomenally disruptive, I’m so glad there is going to be some kind of action taken.

Is it worth @countrygirl99 leaving the disconnected controls there? Or fitting a dummy on/off switch to satisfy the need to push a button and retain a sense of control.

(I like to 'drive ' the DLR or any airport monorail. Was chuffed to see I'm not the only one when TFL fitted a dummy sticker in the front carriage)

@OldTime I don't think there will be room in the cupboard but I am going to ask if it's possible. We've tried notes (they vanish) and putting a lock on the cupboard (prised off) so this is the last thing left. If it doesn't work I don't know what we'll do.

Is the boiler compatible with an app that you can control from your phone? If so you’d be able to override any tampering.

No and she frequently switches off the power to the controls so wouldn't necessarily help.

Oh Lord, @countrygirl99 - good luck! It does sound like a good solution. Fingers crossed.

I feel bad asking this as I know some of you handle so much more, but does anyone else get to the point where even the tiniest thing sets you on edge?

last night DH and I were watching tv and my mobile rang and honestly my heart dropped, I never know what it’s going to be when DM rings. Then I felt guilty as it was just to check I had booked an ambulance for her hospital appointment on Tuesday. I mean not sure why she needed that check this on Saturday evening, but not a major interruption.

I just wish it would stop for a while and my life could be my own again. Then I feel horrible because it could be worse- and probably will get worse and I have no idea how I will cope with that.

Sigh maybe I do need HRT but if that doesn’t work, what’s left.

@rookiemere I think everyone on this thread lives at a level of high chronic stress, and lots of people on here describe becoming essentially traumatised by the constant phone calls which could mean anything, usually negative. Maybe HRT is needed, maybe antidepressants, but it’s completely normal to feel that way.

I feel bad asking this as I know some of you handle so much more

Everyone has their personal tipping point, so don't worry about posting for help.

.........but does anyone else get to the point where even the tiniest thing sets you on edge?

Definitely. And it's a sign of extreme stress when this happens.

I'm out the other side now, and have been for a while, but I like this thread.
I had a different user name when I posted in the past.

Anyway @rookiemere don't feel bad about asking anything. We all support one another on here. Your questions are as valid as anyone else's.

Thanks @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneand @PermanentTemporary maybe I do need to make another appointment with my doctor.

I find this thread simultaneously comforting and terrifying because I realise things could get much worse and indeed are likely to.