Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

A break from it all does so much good @rookiemere.
I’m trying to have two day gaps between visits and feel much calmer for it.

I’m nervous this morning as we’re taking DM to see the Neurologist about her hydrocephalus this afternoon. I’m trying not to overthink it but I have so many questions and what ifs. At least DB is coming so I don’t have to do the motorway driving which I hate although DH offered to take us. But even the logistics are overwhelming me somehow. I have to get her dressed tidily (as she will have forgotten), getting her out of the house into the car is an effort and then parking the other side will be a nightmare.

@BestIsWestyou will probably do this anyway but do write your questions down. When I went with DM to her neurologist appointment a couple of months ago he had his own procedure to follow, and I got a bit flummoxed and forgot. I have another opportunity at the start of November so that’s something at least.
Hope the neurologist goes well. I am taking DF to his renal appointment tomorrow ( deep joy have always wanted to hear about how DFs urinary tract is working) and after last times fiasco where due to parking issues I lost him and he ended up un A&E, we are taking a taxi. Even DF is agreed - for today at least - that it’s a good idea.

Questions duly written down @rookiemere. Good advice.

I think the taxi idea is good too and I will definitely think about that next time I have to take her on my own.

Hope your mum's appointment went well @BestIsWest

It's been a difficult day with my DPs today. Started well - found DMs glasses lens and managed to reinstall it, contacted the GP for both of them and myself (surgery must be sick of seeing my name) and organised for an Age UK Handyman to come and have a look at his riser recliner chair which has gone wobbly and is worrying me. GP agreed to do a home visit for DM who is still very confused following a UTI, so I waited for them. While I was making their lunch, DF fell over and couldn't get up. GP arrived when he was on the floor and together we managed to get him back on his feet. He's sore and shaken, but otherwise seems ok.
I have contact social services and asked for a care needs assessment. DH and DS also came round and helped move some furniture to make it easier for them to move around. They're not safe there. Things are going to have to change. It's sad. I hoped with carers in place they may be able to stay at home, but it just terrifies me leaving them there.

oh gosh, @NDornotND what a day. I suppose it is a good thing that the GP arrived when they did and could see what is going on.

It’s as I suspected, neurologist was very much against putting DM forward for surgery. I think, after discussion, we’re ok with that. He more or less confirmed that she has Alzheimer’s as well so there wouldn’t be any cognitive benefit. DM of course put on the full ‘Nothing wrong with me, I have no memory problems’ but got caught out when she couldn’t write the numbers on a clock face or remember the three words he’d mentioned. (‘What 3 words?’ she asked).

To be fair, I could only remember two.

I just wondered if any of you incredible people who are further along on this journey could offer me any advice on how you manage to keep your own job/life whilst dealing with a parent with what I am sure are the early stages of dementia?

We're just starting the process of assessments for mum (she scored quite well at the GP assessment, as this was mainly things she's fine with eg. what time it is, counting forwards and backwards etc). We're lined up for more assessments etc but for now just muddling through. Mum is able to manage fine with most day to day tasks but panics about problems that are clearly very real and serious to her (eg. someone has broken in and is moving objects/putting lights on etc) but not at all real. So far this week alone I have had at least one call each day about something like this and have spent several hours each time (during the working day) trying to talk her down and when I can't arranging a relative (herself quite old) to pop in and check for her. I know that what she really wants is someone to be with her to check things out but I live several hours away. This is becoming increasingly frequent and very difficult to deal with whilst also holding down a job etc. But I feel that if I just refuse to answer she will make herself ill or possibly do something problematic (that would make sense if it were actually true) like calling 999 or trying to walk to find help (she has mobility and sight problems so this would be dangerous). I feel that in the long term she will need to live somewhere with more support (either sheltered accommodation or closer to me) but for now she officially has capacity and will not consider a move. So what on earth do people do to avoid having their work and life revolving around daily crises?

@bigbootsweather definitely not sheltered housing, because she'll inevitably deteriorate and need to move again.

Is your mum open to having a live-in carer? It's very expensive though.

TBH @bigbootsweather it sounds like residential care will be needed sooner rather than later unless there's something else going on that can be treated. As she's resistant to help it's going to take something significant to happen before anything changes so you may need to just let that happen. Tough to do but the alternative is you not coping and your family suffering. Rock and a hard place indeed.

It sounds like she's not at the stage where she needs a live in carer, but would benefit from some company and reassurance. Based on absolutely no scientific knowledge at all, I wonder how many of these "panics about problems" we see in the early stages of dementia are an attempt by a struggling brain to cope with feeling lonely, which is a complex emotion. Might she be open to a cleaner/housekeeper/"sitter" popping in for a couple of hours a day to keep company, do light housework, prepare a sandwich, make tea etc? This would be much cheaper than live in care and might offset some of the panic, at least in the earlier stages.

I thought hard about this reply because I'm coming out the other side of something similar. My Dad's decline started in the same way. He died 3 years ago. In total it was 6 years of panic and fear. Broad advice is: don't let yourself slide imperceptibly into the belief that you are the only one who can fix this; that you are/have to be the bridge between reality and what your mother and maybe wider family want to be the reality. There are usually several solutions to a problem if you can take a breath before reacting...hard, i know, when you hear the fear coming down the phone at you.I'm sorry if this sound vague, but only you will know what that means for you and your mum n practical terms. Very practically, giving up work probably won't be a solution and will create more problems for you later. Involve everyone, even if your family typically doesn't usually talk about tricky stuff. Write down what's agreed and share it. Be prepared for people to accept reality at different speeds. Things will get tough, so discuss the 2 types of power of attorney, plus a letter to GP to go on file saying you can discuss treatment, and also - although this is painful, sorry - respect forms. All, of course, if your mum agrees. My brother and I don't get on well but well enough to cooperate for my dad's benefit...so if he wouldn't accept a suggestion from me, sometimes he would from my brother. Find an ally.
Lastly, don't neglect your usual forms of support, whether it be a weekly gym session with friends or whatever. Friends really help and I wish I hadn't neglected mine.
Sorry for long post. I wish you well and send 💐 .

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne That's a good point about sheltered housing- I hadn't thought about avoiding moving her twice. Unfortunately we really couldn't afford a live in carer.
@countrygirl99 @roundaboutthehillsareshining I think residential care is inevitable at some stage. Unfortunately I can't see her agreeing to it easily (if at all). She has always believed that people who move in to homes have been failed by their families, although she's never been in the situation where an elderly relative has expected her to care for them. Even when she was younger I disagreed with her over this but as she's got older she's repeatedly told everyone that she would rather be locked in her house and left to starve than go to 'one of those places'. I think loneliness (particularly first thing in the morning) is part of the issue (hence my view that living closer to me, or with other people, would help) as we lost Dad not so long ago and the panics seem to have increased (although I know that they sometimes happened when he was alive but he was there to calm her). I think a cleaner who would sit with her/make a drink with her etc is a good idea but at the moment she's not willing to discuss any sort of external help. Does anyone know if there are agencies etc that would offer that sort of service? She doesn't need care as such (she can wash and dress herself and make meals etc) but we would willingly pay someone for a couple of hours cleaning that ended up as an hour of cleaning and an hour of drinking tea and chatting.
@Thoseshoeslookcomfy That's very useful practical advice- thank you. I totally get what you mean about sliding in to being a bridge between reality and what everyone wants to be true. I have no intention of giving up work (I can't afford to even if I wanted to) but unfortunately as I have quite a flexible job and have been able to drop everything when there have been real emergencies, and take time off for all her medical appointments etc, Mum and the wider family act as though I am retired. Unfortunately that's not even close to being true and every day I spend caring for her means I either lose holiday time or have to work weekends to keep on top of things. My only real allies at the moment are a couple of aunts (themselves not young) who will each drop in once a week to check on her. I have a brother who lives in the same town as her but he's not willing to commit to calling on her once a day (I've posted about him before- he's annoyed that me and mum are not doing more for him!) but agrees with her she should never go to residential care, which really doesn't help. Currently whenever paying for external care, or changing her living arrangements, is mentioned Brother gives me a list of the frivolous things I do with my time that should be abandoned to give me more time to help Mum (eg. a hobby group I go to once a week, the occasional weekend away with DH, occasional dinner with friends, anything I do with my teen DC and even walking the dog. He has also suggested that my family living further away is the problem and if I don't have the time to travel we should move to the same town as him and mum (when, by coincidence, he feels we would also be able to babysit for his DC as an added bonus).
Sadly, I fear that things will need to escalate, and there will need to be a real problem before she will agreed to changes. I just feel really guilty every time she calls, knowing that what she really wants is for me to drive over and sort out whatever she believes is happening (which is never quick, as there's no real problem to solve so it just takes hours to persuade her that things are all fine now). Sorry for what I now realise has become a very long post- but actually it's helping a bit just getting it down and feeling there are people out there who understand. to everyone going through, or has gone through, similar

Yeah @bigbootsweather you could try looking locally for domestic agencies, or ask your local care agencies whether they offer that kind of companionship service. Most will have staff on the books who'd jump at a booking that paid but didn't require full on personal care.

My gran used to have a rota from her church of people popping in every day - she was kind of gently confused, so I don't think realised that the old ladies church contingent had done a rota (rather than just people popping in to be friendly). A stream of those kind of jolly-along, capable women of a certain generation (you know the sort, dogs and wellies and cups of tea types!) did wonders for her mental state until she medically deteriorated further. But I'm not sure if those sort of arrangements even exist any more unless money is involved......

I will definitely look in to domestic/care agencies. I know what you mean about visits from local ladies- Mum took part in rotas for that sort of thing quite a few times when she was younger. Sadly she's just about the last of the friends she did this with and nothing similar seems to exist in her church. There is a lovely man from church who visits her once a month (he really is lovely and does loads for the local community, but has a lot to do and isn't that well himself) and she enjoys that. Unfortunately she hasn't wanted to go out much or get involved in local activities for years- Dad was vulnerable to Covid and it really frightened them both and made them quite isolated, which was OK when they had eachother but hard now that it's just mum.

It’s so difficult. What I would say is if someone is calling 999/the doctor frequently, that is likely to cause ‘the system’ to sit up and pay attention, because it’s a problem for them. So never feel you’re there to prevent that specifically - it can sometimes cause action to be taken, like a review from the Older Adults Mental Health Team.

Would your Mum adjust to video calls at all? I looked at a Portal but Mum went past that stage very fast.

I’ve just talked recently to one of many truly wonderful people I work with who has had to decide that their beloved family member can no longer be at home. It sometimes works being at home for very specific reasons but it often, often doesn’t. And anyone who will tell you that it never happened in the past is entirely wrong. A lot of the NHS back then was what we would see as a care home now, and it didn’t look very pretty. And there were so many fewer; there’s about twice as many 70 year olds as in 1969 but about 10 times those aged over 85.

I’m new to this thread (have one elderly parent). Why is this thread called Cockroach Cafe?! Is it referencing the lack of cleaning due to failing eyesight, by any chance?!

Haha @TeddySchnauzer good shout. I’ll quote from the original op who used to start these threads (before my time).

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

PS schnauzer photos very welcome!

@TeddySchnauzer Years ago and elderly parent in a care home had a visit from some small animals one of which had a hard shell. She couldn't remember what it was and decided it was a cockroach.

@bigbootsweather the appropriate phrase to use with your brother has two words. They begin with an F and an O.

Absolutely, as a teenager I had a cleaning job in a "cottage hospital". It was definitely a bit of a "dumping ground" for older people with nowhere else to go. They were on the whole lovely, we had a bit of a joke, I used to chat to them about life, etc. But basically they were on the ward, lying there watching TV waiting to go..... The modern care homes with activities and therapy animals and stuff are much nicer

I wonder if it might in fact have been a tortoise?! 🐢

@bigbootsweather your brother is a dick. Sorry. Ignore him.

It’s hard isn’t it, though it does sound as though your DM has been stubbornly digging herself in for some time now. Unfortunately I agree something has to come to a head before anything changes. Someone coming in every day could be perfect for a while though. Ultimately if she does start leaving the house at odd times you may run into her not being safe, and social services may then step in.

And was it a cockroach?
I've never understood that story if I'm honest.
If it wasn't a cockroach, what was it, and what was so amusing about the woman saying it was?

Someone, please explain. I'm autistic and I often don't get things like this.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I’m not sure what it actually was but I think it was one of those things that became a sort of in joke with those on the original threads and then stuck. It’s way before my time.

It sounds like nobody understands it then.
Oh well, it doesn't matter.
We all know why we're here.
It's a very good, supportive thread.

@BestIsWest’Scuse the floof, he was due a groom when these were taken!