Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Yep, someone would have to take her to or an outing while we secretly installed them to have any chance of success. But if she spotted them and didn't know what they were she'd prise them off. She insists she always answers the phone and I must have dialled the wrong number if she didn't answer. Absolutely nothing to do with not wearing the hearing aids that she was prescribed 5 years ago that she can't remember having. Or with only having a phone in the dining room because the one in the living room stopped working and she didn't recognise the new ones as phones so we had to put the only working one of the old pair back and that's were the connection is

Just popping on for a moment of sanity and a virtual chat with those who get it. Mum slipped over in the early hours earlier this week and had to be taken to A&E as she couldn't remember when or how she fell or how long before she raised the alarm. There's no injury or even any bruising but district nurse who saw here said she should be check in A&E due to this. Which meant a full day in A&E as (quite rightly) not a priority. Had a chat with Brother, who seemed to be acing fairly sensibly for once, about what we do going forward. The crises (real or imagined) are getting more frequent and this week there was something nearly every day. Brother has told her 'we' will make sure there's someone with her every day this week as she recovers. I think he's probably right but of course it's me trying to work from her place. I broached the subject of where she should live if she can't cope alone and he told me he would oppose any suggestion of residential care- his idea is that his family will move in with her but keep their own home too so they have somewhere to go for a break and/or he and his partner can take it in turns at being with mum. Which sounds lovely but doesn't take into account what they will do when they are at work, or how they will manage her and a small child eg with child leaving things she'll trip over/mum keeping child awake with her ramblings and loads of other things. I am reasonably certain what would actually happen is they say this is the plan then call me to take over as soon as anything gets tricky. This is based on previous experience plus experience from this week when I've ended up being expected to be here most of the time, make all the calls to try to sort some care/follow up on referrals etc. What's most frustrating is that before speaking to him mum was ready to accept something needs to change. I'm trying to set boundaries but it's almost impossible when faced with an elderly parent who can't manage.

@bigbootsweather I think my response would be to say that it's very noble of him to offer to do that but ask how on earth he will manage with work and feign total misunderstanding. Just keep on not getting that he is expecting you to do it and repeating that obviously you couldn't do it - mention child and trip risk etc over and over again.

100% what countrygirl said. ‘Wow, I know from the past few months/years what it would take to do that. Obviously I can’t. Have you talked it through with everyone? Which rooms will you have, where will you sit in the evening? Are you planning to give up work?’ Etc etc.

@countrygirl99 @PermanentTemporary Thanks for replying. You are, of course, completely right and that's I'll be doing. I told him at the time that lif he wants to become her carer that's up to him but I wonder how it would work practically (that's when he said he'd keep his own home too, as I asked if he was planning to let it out to give him an income if he was giving up work to care for her). His answer at the moment is 'we'll just have to make it work'. I've told him that I live too far away to commit to any more regular care and would not consider moving (he's suggested this before). My frustration is that he refuses to address any of the real practical issues at this stage ('we'll cross that bridge when we come to it') so because he's telling mum he'll look after her she's not considering any other options. Which means I'll end up dealing with it as a crisis when he decides he can't do it after all. This is a recurring theme.

@bigbootsweatherwhat an absolute knob your DB sounds - excuse language, feeling quite frisky today all thanks to the ambulance service who no longer allow me in the ambulance to accompany DM to appointments. As the car park is always full I had to get there early < where were loads of spaces for once> and DM was delivered to me at the hospital, then whisked away at the end making things much easier. I may have had a glass of wine to celebrate.

Anyway back to matters in hand.

What exactly are his objections to a care home or paid for care ?
I would be tempted to book a two week holiday abroad and leave him to it. Except of course it’s your poor DM that you’re worried about.

@rookiemere I hope you really enjoyed your glass of wine, it sounds like you deserved it. I'm not entirely sure what Brother's objection to paid care is. I suspect partly the fact that it would reduce potential inheritance (especially if/when residential care is needed as we'd have to sell her house). He won't say that of course, and claims it's all about wanting her to be looked after by family because that's what's right. He used the same reasoning for refusing to get any paid childcare and expecting our parents to do it until very recently. To be honest he's had loads more support from our parents than is normal (he lived with them rent free and had them doing all his washing etc until he was nearly 40) so if I thought he really would look after mum I'd say it was repaying the favour. But experience tells me he'll really expect me to take over as soon as things get tricky. I know all I can really do is reiterate that I will not do more.

Got to Parent’s house yesterday (hour’s drive) to take DM to a hospital appointment to find her on the phone cancelling it. DF had phoned me earlier to say she was having a dizzy/ fainting spell and could I come earlier. So I got there as soon as I could, but too late to stop her not going to the appointment. She didn’t actually faint, but was too nervous to leave the house.

I know I sound a bit heartless here, but there are a number of reasons she could have felt like that and number one is getting up late and not having breakfast. Her hours are chaotic and she usually first eats at about midday. When I arrived she was eating her breakfast and said she felt better but was still in her pyjamas. Honestly, it’s like learned helplessness. The other reason is that she already has some heart failure due to dodgy heart valves (had one replaced 15 yrs ago, another one is weak, consultant said last year they can’t operate again). If I’d taken her to the appointment she would have been sitting down in the car and then if she did keel over at least she would have been in an actual hospital!

She then rebooked the appointment and moaned that it was a month away “because they said they wanted to see me sooner than that.” Well yes Mum they wanted to see you today but you just cancelled it. 🙄

Partly I’m pissed off because I’m off up there again today to take her to the bank; hopefully for the last time as if I can get Barclays to take the POA then I can do stuff for them and they won’t have to go miles to a branch (all the local ones have closed). Two journeys in one week does not make for a good mood. Sorry, I know others here are doing more but you know what it’s like.

Oh @MotherOfCatBoy that sounds very familiar! My ER was supposed to have an appointment at the eye clinic last week. She proudly announced she'd rung up and cancelled it because the appointment was at 4pm and the clinic finishes at 5 and "she's not sitting around for hours just to be told they're too busy and to go home". Then how, because the last bus home is at 6pm, she can't have an appointment later than 3pm. Shrug.....

New here but I think I'll be visiting regularly in the months to come. Mum is 92 and has managed pretty well until a recent fall and longish (5 weeks?) hospital stay. And as I've read about often, it seems to have wiped her ability not only to move properly, but to remember, make her own decisions, and generally run her own life.

I have the feeling that before the fall she was creeping on thin ice, now she's been pushed through it and is getting increasingly waterlogged -and slowly subsiding.

Thank the very dear Lord I am sharing all this with dsis and we seem generally to be able to share the load and mutually support. And no major problems so far. But my goodness, it sucks the energy....

Anyway hi all, and very glad this place is here for us 👍😀

Welcome newcomers to the thread no-one wants to be on.

MIL's house has sold and DH has just about finished dealing with MIL's bits and pieces. Sold some jewellery with no sentimental value for a bit of money that will pay for our holiday, and I got a very nice sapphire and diamond ring that he doesn't remember his mum wearing at all but I will happily wear as a dress ring.

DH is not dealing well with the loss of MIL, he's been doing the classic "keep busy" thing and he admits he's feeling a bit lost - he was an only child as was MIL so no extended family to grieve with. And, to be honest, he's rubbish at dealing with emotions at the best of times. I'm a bit lost trying to help him, especially as I'm already doing the pre-grieving thing for my own mum.

He's currently emptying our loft - previously he was a bugger for not throwing anything away and wanting to keep things "just in case, they could be useful one day", you know the drill. He's now done a complete 180 and has decreed that we will not be putting anything else up there, and is bringing things down and continuing the "dump/donate/sell" sort out mentality. Which is a bit of a win for me as most of the stuff up there I wanted to get rid of anyway, but still a bit concerning about what comes next.

@funnelfan I would gently encourage him to seek some professional help - if he can access counselling through an employment scheme, or pay for some sessions privately. Grieving a parent as an only child is a different experience, I think, to going through it when you have family around. Seeing and supporting my mum (an only) grieving her mother's death as a teenager, changed our relationship completely (in a good way eventually, but it was very difficult). If you have siblings, even if you have a bad relationship with them, it's impossible to explain the bereftness that comes with losing that contact with your history.

So yes, I can't recommend sympathetic professional support enough.

Welcome to all.

You know when you do something dumb that increases your own workload… Mum’s birthday this week. I took her a card. She can’t read them and doesn’t even look at pictures so much any more. But in past years I’ve been depressed by the lack of cards from anyone else, including my own son, despite nagging. So this year I wrote a whole bunch of fake cards from different members of the family, in different pens and handwriting. Possibly I was going a bit mad. Anyway, a member of the family has announced they’re going to visit this weekend to give me a weekend off. Lovely! Except I’ll have to race in and remove the one I wrote from them, tbh better take them all down…

@MotherOfCatBoyI feel your pain. I live an hour away and it seems to be close enough for elderly DPs not to acknowledge the distance, but far enough away to basically eat up the whole day.
@PermanentTemporaryhonestly I would just leave it with the card, enjoy your well earned peace.

Welcome to the newbies < sadly>

Just had a lovely long lunch with a friend of similar vintage, spent most of time talking about the trauma of looking after elderly DPs. She’s lucky - went on holiday for 6 weeks and one of her DBs had managed to convince them to go into care homes so she “just” had all their paperwork and finances to sort out now ( she’s a lawyer by trade). It was very cathartic although we didn’t drink any wine.

@roundaboutthehillsareshining I heartily agree, however DH is extremely resistant. Some of the stories he's been telling me about his childhood concern me and lead me to believe he experienced some frightening situations and he shut them all away in his head as a child and it partly explains why he's so bad at emotional stuff. He thinks he just needs to put any trauma behind him and try harder to get on with life. He refuses to contemplate any form of talking therapy, medication or social support like Andy's Man Club.

I've tried pointing out that he's not the only person in the world who's had awful experiences and that trained professionals know how to help. Basically he needs therapy to accept that he needs therapy. I do bring it up when appropriate, but he's more stubborn than a herd of donkeys when he's made his mind up.

@funnelfan I understand - mine's the same! I have to admit, I insisted he accessed professional help after his dad died. I just said I couldn't give him the depth and detailed support he needed. Also, I'm carrying my own burdens about his family - there's no way I could be an objective sounding board for his grief. And actually he was able to see the logic in that, and after the first session, found it very helpful. It was just that first picking up the phone and making the referral was so hard.

But if you're not able to provide objective support (and that's OK - in no way should you, you can't be objective about the situation), then I think you need to be clear with him that this is something you can't do, but is someting he needs to access from somewhere.

But if you're not able to provide objective support (and that's OK - in no way should you, you can't be objective about the situation), then I think you need to be clear with him that this is something you can't do, but is someting he needs to access from somewhere.

@roundaboutthehillsareshining I think the point that I am not his therapist and my own resiliance is pretty low has got through but his default is to pull back into himself and deny he needs anyone else to help him. However, his recent admission that he is feeling lost is giving me a way in to keep plugging away with the message. It's just so frustrating having to find the right time and way to get past the instant defences, when I just want to shake him and tell him some plain truths.

Yeah I hate this (mostly male) attitude that therapy is failure. It took me quite a long time and a lot of upset (and a couple of nasty rows, which I'm not proud of). I think that was the turning point for us, that I was very clear I wasn't equipped or prepared to be a therapist. It is so hard though, sending you both good vibes!

We have a plan for mum's heating, just need the quote now. Real controls are going to be hidden in another cupboard she can't reach and the existing controls will be left as dummies for her to fiddle with to her heart's content. Unfortunately she did get back from lunch club just as the engineer was leaving so I got the full "maybe I should just curl up and die so I'm not a problem for anyone" treatment. Told her that won't be necessary, just don't turn the heating off and then call British Gas. Which, of course, she never does. Never touches the controls. I'll leave you to guess whether the heating was turned on or off when I got there😁.

@countrygirl99 it would be nice if British Gas could flag certain numbers so that your Mum gets a tailored response on the phone. Presumably she’s still going to call them even if at least you will know that she’s not actually turned it off and is not freezing to death.

The engineer who usually covers the area has my brother's number stored on his phone. He calls to check if it's a real problem first and cancels as it isn't. But sometimes they can't get hold of him and covering engineers don't always call despite a standing instruction on mum's account, attending engineers always just turn it back on. The carers check twice a day and turn back on as necessary and will let him know if there's a real problem. But that can still leave the heating off all day between the early morning and evening calls. The house was pretty chilly when I got there just before lunchtime. Every time I've been up I've visited this month I've turned it back on and one of those times was only about 30 minutes after the evening carer had already turned it back on! It just seems to be a compulsion to fiddle with the controls now and she can't remember what to do and then forgets she did anything. She has called at least once a day since the middle of September. The record is 3 times in one hour last Monday. We decided against lock boxes as we think she'd just try and prise them off like she did the door lock.

Yes I think your plan is a good one. Bloody dementia. Cockroach to you (and your mum)

@countrygirl99 how come she can call British Gas but not you?? I’m not doubting you for a second , just marvelling at the sheer perversity of her mental condition.. Jesus Christ and all the saints it must drive you potty! Well done on finding a good solution!
My mother presses all my buttons but hasn’t become that bad yet.. it’s my Dad remaining at home that keeps the show on the road. When he goes the shit will hit the fan.

@MotherOfCatBoy I don't think it occurs to her to call me. She has never been one for chatting on the phone and if she did ever call me it was usually to tell me how wonderful my brother's DC were not to ask about mine. The last time she called me was early last year when she'd lost her debit card and had no cash to buy cigarettes.

I wish we had a medal acknowledgement @countrygirl99

I now present every new idea - pill boxes, walking sticks, using a mobility scooter as if Golden Balls thought of it first. I know he has such an ego, he'd probably suck up the praise even for best buy incontinence pad suggestions.