Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Sympathies @NDornotND sounds like a rotten situation and not too dissimilar to my own. Would they accept/have the means to pay for an overnight carer for DM? Mind you it’s so expensive it’s not hugely different from care home costs.

I had a similar situation when I was at DPs a couple of weeks ago, each was complaining about the other and struggling to cope. But other than giving a couple of practical suggestions that were rejected, I didn’t do anything. Next visit they seemed in brighter form. I have decided to leave it until a crisis happens and either it’s unsafe for them both to remain at home, or they themselves are open to more care/alternative suggestions or finally if one or other gets declared as not having capacity. I was tying myself in knots trying to come up with solutions, so I have decided not to do that anymore.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and sympathy. An OT came out a few months ago, but i think they have most of the available adaptations. They live in a bungalow, but it's not ideal as there are lots of small (only single, but still) steps between rooms. Even the shower, which is more or less walk in, has a step up into it. They have grab rails in the shower. Riser-recliner armchairs, arms on the toilet seat. Mum also has a commode in her room. I don't think they know what they want, except to feel better. DM is also furious with the GP because she is ill and they haven't made her better .....Despite the fact that she refuses to take nearly everything they prescribed....it's their fault she feels dreadful. Sigh. Am planning to go to the pub with DH tonight, so really hope there are no emergency call outs.

Oh @rookiemere - I don't think they would object to an overnight carer, in fact DF suggested it this evening in jest, but they only have 2 bedrooms and a 2 seater sofa, so nowhere for one to stay really....

FIL was convinced SS would provide 24 hour care at home despite the fact that, not only the carer would have had to sleep in the living room, but that was the access to the kitchen as well. He really couldn't see the issue with them sleeping in a chair. Obviously it was never going to happen but oh boy the arguments.

Hope you had a good and emergency free pub night @NDornotND! My head slightly frazzled after having friends round for a Portugese themed dinner last night, with rather too much port. So glad I have cut back a bit on my visits and am not having to do the two hour round trip plus actually doing the visit as well. DM continues to be a bit nicer on the phone the less I visit, very odd - I feel a bit guilty as I reported to her doctors that she seemed to have lost her empathy.

Mil is nearly 90 although fair play to her is still in a house , gets herself washed & dressed and can do a little shopping on her buggy to local corner shop.
She is taken her big shop and also to dr appointments . Family members clean / garden for her etc .
She has some cognitive decline and is very needy to family to provide the social side to life by daily visits ( she wont be taken to clubs or coffee mornings etc ) and doesn't want to engage with people her own age as she likes to be the centre of attention at all times.
The problem we have is if anything changes i.e the person that was visiting can' t go so family person b will call in briefly as they are busy so can't take her out for a coffee , or god forbid something has come up so they can't spend the day there but will arrive by lunchtime . She will threaten to kill herself and obviously panic the person she is talking to who will then telephone another family member.
Do we ignore her ( shes done it loads of times ) or do we inform someone ( cant see who or what they can do )
Or is ignoring it the right thing to do ?

@Adooree that sounds very manipulative behaviour on the part of your MIL.
I'd be inclined to ignore her.

@Adooree my ER got set up with some at-home sessions with a nice lady from the Elderly Mental Health team and (albeit mainly for pain relief) has been prescribed a low dose of antidepressants... So if yours sees the GP frequently enough, maybe see if they can help? I know it's all a bit of a crapshoot, but this was in the last year, so sometimes they can help.

Yes she's always been manipulating. I think we will ignore .

She will go to the Drs , but doesn't engage with them , in her opinion , that's why she has a family member there . Tbh she wouldn't get anything from having any counselling , she would not understand the point of why they were there , and she's already on mild antidepressants .

I would ignore, Adooree. I'd probably tell her I was going to ignore any such threats.

No, that's the point of the meeting. The intended deputies have to serve the papers to her using a method that will most facilitate her understanding - so it has to be in person. I'm there as taxi driver and third party in case ER makes allegations (has form for this) or becomes violent.

ER has absolutely steadfastly refused to have any third party involvement in her finances. She refused to participate in the capacity assessment, hence the finding of no capacity. There's no "feeling like she's participating", there's just betrayal....

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume

Visited mum in her care home yesterday. She didn’t say a single word - it’s like speaking is just too much effort. She has better days when she says a few words but yesterday wasn’t one of them. Her whole body language is I’m Fed Up and I’ve Had Enough. DB agrees and I had a word with the manager yesterday and said if mum gets an infection we don’t want antibiotics. Manager was very kind and said she’d say the same thing if it was her mum in the same situation. Just a waiting game now - although she doesn’t eat or drink much she has no underlying health issues apart from the query Parkinson’s/vascular dementia so she could carry on for months.

The care home staff are lovely, they always manage to get a smile out of her. I joined them for a meal yesterday and sat at the table with another couple of ladies, one of whom loves it there. She was telling me she doesn’t have to do any laundry or cleaning, there’s always something going on, the food is tasty and she gets nice quiet afternoons sitting in the conservatory reading the paper and doing the crossword. One of the carers said to me that every evening when they set up a film in the lounge she says “this is the life” with a big smile. If I ever end up in a care home I hope I have that ladies attitude!

I visited DM yesterday. She thought I was her sister for most of the visit. She didnt really want to see me, would far rather see DB. He is her favourite, said this to me. In dementia veritas.

Reading the book you recommended @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne . It does help to just go along with whatever DM wants. So long as she doesnt want to stand up (wheelchair bound) as that will end with a fall.

I hate visiting DM.

In dementia veritas

Yes indeed, @GnomeDePlume and that reminds me of a lady I used to look after, who told me I couldn't have two pieces of toast because I was already very fat.
I mean, she wasn't wrong.................
🤣

Yes, @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne it wasnt a shock to hear that DB is her favourite. It is just further evidence that the person she was has gone.

That was rude about the toast though. I havent read far enough in the book to see what to do about rudeness.

That was rude about the toast though. I havent read far enough in the book to see what to do about rudeness

I think the idea is to change the subject and get on to a topic which leads to enthusiasm. Even if it's repetitive.

But of course, yes it's very hurtful, especially to your own child.

Having said that - your mother thought she was addressing her sister. She had misidentified you as her sister.

In her mind, she wasn't telling her daughter that she preferred her brother to her.

That doesn't let Mrs A (of Mapledurham) off the hook, though.
She was very rude about the toast.

It is hard when they inadvertently say upsetting things.
After I lost DF at the hospital and then found him again in A&E I had to drive him home in his car. In between me driving a car I was unfamiliar with and DF merrily saying Left every time I needed to turn right, he came out with “So remind me - you were sacked from your last job weren’t you?”
I almost crashed the bloody car ! It was a contract that ended on its due date, but they hadn’t been nice to me towards the end ( mostly because I was preoccupied with elderly DPs health) and I am having trouble finding anything part time ( because of elderly DPs living an hour away and refusing to get in the level of care and support they seem to need). So he hit rather a raw nerve with that comment.

I can live with DM being rude to me. I have known all my life that DB is the preferred one, both for DM & DF. Harder for other DB who has always been the least favoured.

What concerns me is if she is rude to other residents or staff.

@rookiemere ah yes, my ER pointed out my "tum". I mean, she's not wrong, but I forbore from pointing out that the weight had mainly gone on during the last year when I've been going down at least fortnightly to see her and then stress eating, instead of having the day free to do 1000 calories' worth of exercise.

Got some flowers today! I am v ungrateful on the inside, I thought, I don't want flowers, I want you to totter out of the house with a nice taxi driver, go to a club, and make friends of your own age. Said thank you nicely tho! I do know it's not easy being in her situation.

I'm putting off visiting my friends mum with her as I expect she would say the very same to me !

In my case my DM has said such things to me all my life so any cognitive decline makes not a jot of difference, it’s not new. Don’t know whether that makes it easier or harder.

@roundaboutthehillsareshininghope yesterday’s meeting wasn’t too awful.

Aww thank you, but it's not until November! I'm just starting my worrying early!

Sorry @roundaboutthehillsareshininggot confused.

Having a good day today. The hospice got back about volunteering on reception so I am going in to speak to them next week. Horribly I think my equilibrium is because I have not been to see the DPs for a couple of weeks. I don’t even text too often as DM invariably phones back. I have been organising admin in the background and her hairdresser should have been up yesterday, so I haven’t abandoned them entirely and I am up for a medical appointment on Thursday.
I do feel awful as I thought I was a nicer,better and less selfish person than I actually am. Oh well, turns out self preservation isn’t entirely just the domain of the elderly.