Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Does anyone have any good tips for compartmentalising things ?
I am an only DC so there’s no one else to take turns with. I exercise and try to eat mindfully and get outdoors. I am not working at the minute which has made things easier in some ways but has taken away my purpose, am hoping to start volunteering soon.

I just wish it would stop for a while and my life could be my own again.
Yes, that's to be expected. You've been taken over by this.

You know all those threads where someone posts that they would never abandon an aged parent, and basically anyone saying they would abandon or step back, is the spawn of Satan?
They clearly haven't tried it, that's all I can say.

Then I feel horrible because it could be worse - and probably will get worse and I have no idea how I will cope with that
It's the fear of everything getting worse which is so stressful @rookiemere

Women who care for elderly parents (especially when the ungrateful parents are obstructive) end up with a shortened life expectancy and very high levels of stress.

Many of us are in our 60s and we should be slowing down, but if our parents are in their 80s or 90s, it's very difficult for us to slow down.

I don’t mean to monopolise or drag down the thread, so I will shut up after this post.

Maybe I am lucky @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne that my DPs had me relatively late as I am mid 50s. Means all this clashes marvellously with the menopause but I am hopeful it will be over by the time I am 60.

I am now wondering if my DPs marvellous longevity is linked to the fact that neither of them did much hands on care of their elderly DPs as they were both in different countries when that was needed.

I sympathise with the little things setting you off. MIL was barking orders at DH this morning that one of her clocks needed changing and moaning that we'd completely confused her by not changing it yesterday along with her giant living room clock. Its a tiny clock on her kitchen window sill that she doesnt even usually look at! Shes lucky i didnt say anything and bit my tongue instead.

I have the opposite problem with mum. She hasn't phoned me since the beginning of 2024, which was already was rare, and hasn't answered any phone to me since last Christmas. So every time I drive up there, having tried to call to let her know, I'm filled with dread about what I'm going to find and whether I'm going to be diving out to get something vital before the shops shut.

Inspired by this thread I looked back on the call log of my phone. Up to about August last year there were daily (at least) calls from mum that always made my stomach do the sink/flip thing. Then nothing, which is when she forgot how to use the phone - she certainly ignored it if I called her. I knew she was ok though as she had carers 4x a day so I would hear if things weren’t right, and I could access the online care record.

its made me a bit teary to realise I’ll never pick up the phone again to hear mum going “hello love”. Probably exacerbated by her seemingly losing her speech - last visit she was entirely non verbal.

DM has been admitted to hospital after 24h in A&E. Her confusion has worsened and, to cap it all, she has fallen while going to the toilet. They're sending her for scans as they're worried she may have broken something. What a bloody mess! I thought at least she'd be safe in hospital!

I realised how much on edge I am last night when the land line rang at 11:45pm. Instantly feared the worst. It was eBay with a code for DH who had accidentally put the landline number instead of his mobile. I bit his head off. Poor man has a lot to put up with from me at the moment.

Oh no @NDornotND, hope nothing is broken.

I hope that the scans come back clear.

IMO A&E is the worst place for confusion in the elderly. The noise, the lighting, the changing faces. The whole thing seems to be designed to confuse and disorientate.

@rookiemere totally normal. (Deleted long screed about getting flashbacks to a similar time).
I would say to everyone, focus on doing something vaguely approaching the/a right thing - and feel free to feel and think anything.
Once things had calmed down a bit, I rummaged into my phone settings and put DND on between 9pm and 9am.
Tonight I am ignoring texts about the carer leaving a bag of rubbish on the countertop.

I hope that she is okay @NDornotND

Thank you he really is. Awww aren’t they just a wonderful breed? So so loving and daft! 🐾

DH’s cousin visited yesterday and she shared tales of elder care - she is looking after her father who has vascular dementia as well as diabetes and is living alone; recently got district nurse service to visit every morning and administer insulin.

Cousin has fitted motion sensors in her DF’s house. Was wondering if they would be useful for you @countrygirl99 given the lack of phone contact?
eg
https://www.screwfix.com/p/philips-hue-indoor-white-pir-motion-sensor-100-/990ja#product_additional_details_container
There are loads out there if you google (Amazon have tons at all prices but I don’t use Amazon).

Hope that might be helpful for some of you out there.

In the meantime DM is having lots of medical appointments for a mysterious flank pain. It has come and gone for a decade and has seemed most likely to be diverticulitis, having been thoroughly investigated before, but Docs now seem worried as she has mild jaundice so are throwing all the tests at her. In between her cataract ops are happening (second one next week). Lots of driving, and hand holding, listening and interpreting for her as she’s quite deaf, reassuring etc. Quite hard emotionally for me to manage as she wasn’t an affectionate parent. Ho hum.

@MotherOfCatBoy unfortunately mum has a history of removing any tech we've installed to try and help. Some has disappeared completely, presumably put in the bin, some has just been put in a cupboard. Social services installed a nice bit of kit in several rooms that would flash if the door bell or phone rang with a picture of whatever it was. Each one ended up in assorted cupboards because she couldn't remember what it was and it kept making a noise and flashing. The dementia clock was ugly and "treating me like a child" and vanished. The only way we could get this to work is if it was installed while she was out and she was unaware. Otherwise it would be off as "treating me like a child" as are all notes, reminders and instructions on how to use the new washing machine (luckily we'd already arranged for the cleaner she "doesn't need" to do all the laundry). Because "there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, my memory is fine and I don't need any help".

The plot thickens! Elderly Relative (ER) has been talking about getting their car repaired for months. It's been a bit of an obsession. But I think we all assumed it was one of those things she talked about but couldn't action and so didn't worry about it too much. More fool us! The car is gone, and ER has a very plausible story about how the garage sent a tow truck out and are going to get it back on the road. ER has severe mental health problems, documented cognitive impairment and brain deterioration. Chances are, ER has neither a valid driving licence or insurance and are definitely not capable of driving safely. I'm at a total loss - I don't understand how someone who's been found to have no capacity, has multiple care visits a day to ensure their safety can be in a situation where they are just going to get back on the road. The only thing I guess I can do is call the police and let them deal with it...... The last time she drove, ER was involved in a very near miss (from the way she described it, she was at fault), which she told anyone who would listen was an assasination attempt on her life. She just has no self awareness or ability to manage risk.

Worth contacting garages and telling them age isn’t licensed?

Visited DM in hospital yesterday with Dsis. The various scans she had after the fall showed no new breaks (she already has osteoporotic fractures in her spine). She was completely out of it on morphine. Staff were a mixed bag. The nurse on duty seemed a bit vacant and not even aware that DM had had a fall 🤦‍♀️, but the doctor came and went through everything with us carefully, which was more reassuring. DSis is going to take DF in to visit again today as I have DGS, but then she's off home again, which is a 4h drive. I can't see DM getting home again, I'm sure DF knows this too. I know how much he hates the idea of 'going in a home', but he's also told DM that wherever she's going, he's going too. It's going to be a very difficult time whatever happens.

@NDornotNDthat sounds really hard, I am sorry. There’s such a horrible inevitability about these things, but doesn’t make it easier when you’re going through it. Please take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry @NDornotND . Wishing you endurance for the next stage.

No idea which garage the car is at, and also they're likely to tell ER that someone tipped them off, which would cause an absolute s*storm. I guess it's gonna have to be the police....

Did anyone see this article from the BBC?:-

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9wdzyyglq5o?app-referrer=deep-link

Sorry I thought the headline would be included; here's a screenshot;-

Oh heck @countrygirl99 I guess you’d either have to install them covertly somewhere out of reach; or not bother. As for “there’s nothing wrong with me” - 🙄😬

Ha, yeah, right! Given the conversations here about the absolute inability to interact with any tech post 1982, I think it’ll be a long time before that works!

Interesting article. Particularly the bit about the care home workers having to spend time tending to the robots who then got in the way. Problems like this are complex, you can’t drop a robot into the situation without changing the whole context/ landscape, and as so often with tech solutions, the context gets forgotten about.

Also, given how catastrophic lack of human contact is for elderly people with progressive dementia, how are robots rather than humans going to help with that?