Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

I think I’ll feel relieved when my dad goes. He’s not an awful person but he’s very negative and hard work, it feels like such a drain spending time with him.
He’s clearly depressed and has been for years but refuses to get proper help for it, instead he offloads on me every time I see him and it has a very detrimental effect on my MH.

I mean they sound awful but you don't sound great hanging out for their money.

Yes I was relieved when my mum died. I day dreamed about her dying my entire adult life and I have felt no sadness since she died a year ago.

I don’t know what it’s like to have normal parents who give you unconditional love but I know that if you have parents who are unable to love and bond with you then their death is not going to affect you in the same way it would for a normal family.

his parents sound self centred and unable to love anyone but themselves so there will probably have been no normal parent child bond formed.

For me all the grieving for the mother I never had happened before she died and her actual death made everything a lot easier for me

Sorry your husband is right. I have pandered to my mum for 55 years. As time has gone on I have moved from protecting myself against her (teen) to hoping for approval, to trying to connect with her, to accepting she is who she is and now to managing her. I’m not going to blow up her life and my own by letting a fight reach its exploding point now.

It’s not kind to the elderlies, and actually I’ve earned my inheritance. Dad worked hard and wanted us to have something. I have worked physically hard helping her futilely with no end of things that would have been better done differently or by someone else. I have paid through the nose for her over the years, despite her being massively wealthy. When it happens, I’ll buy myself a birthday present to make up for 50+ years of charity shop and regifted random items.

In the meantime, she’s not likeable, but she’s vulnerable and frail and needs help so I will continue to step up.

My MIL has late stage dementia and has started to struggle eating it will be a relief when she dies but my DH is also hoping that it comes before she starves to death or has to be tube fed.

Tbh if she has dementia, she might need residential care at some point and so there won't be an inheritance. Also are you sure you are named in the will?

Even if your parents are loving, when they reach a stage of life where nothing pleases them, they aren’t happy, life is a long struggle and there seems to be nothing that can make it better, it gets really hard on everyone.

We can’t interfere with DH’s parents, just support as best we can. They haven’t done things that would have helped them. They won’t do things that could help them. They don’t like the way the other person has been impacted by age (he just wants to doze all day after a lifetime of busyness, she wants to be constantly entertained and taken out and about). So they are pretty fed up but not prepared to make any changes. I cannot tell you how much I’d like to tidy their house. I’ve done I several times over the years when their health has been particularly bad. They won’t have it at the moment though.

I’d spend as little time as possible with them and gladly take every penny I can when they passed, and not feel a moments guilt. It’s the least they can do for the shit time they’ve given their son. It’s the least they can do

My mum went quickly, before her time, but had life-limiting health conditions and I was the fall-guy. At one point I did go NC as the effect she had on mine and DC's lives was unbearable (compared to golden sibling, their spouse and dc).

It was a relief not to have that pressure to confirm. That obligation to brush over the feelings that is had for many years. A relief not to put her needs above my own family, my job, my life, all the whole sibling gave nothing, only took.

A relief is the majority feeling. Shock, of course at the sudden and unexpected end to her life.

I feel like your husband tbh. It’s hard because you grieve for the relationship you never had and always wanted but when my dad died it was a relief. I loved him but he was abusive when I was a child and made every family event a challenge, pulling focus, sulking, arguing with my mum. Once at Dads birthday he sat sulking and never said a single word. DM is also very challenging in other ways and we have a very superficial relationship. I feel sad at not having the closeness and mother/daughter relationship friends have but I will feel huge relief when she dies. To be free of decades of being made to feel guilty, like nothing is good enough, having to pretend to love someone who abused you as a child. I hope your DH will feel that freedom and relief. He has no reason to feel any guilt. But I am sure he will feel sad too and grieve the relationship he would have liked but never had.

I felt the same as your DH, OP. I sort of felt sorry for my parents because they couldn't help the way they were but I don't miss them.

<hand up>
Yeah me.

The feelings been growing for years. The first time you think it it's a shock and you beat yourself up mentally and push it all down, thinking your some kind of a monster.

By the time you've been feeling it for 15 + years you've made peace with it. And can admit it on MN ! 😳

A lot of people would feel relieved in the circumstances you describe, OP.
But also, even if you have a good relationship with someone, it can be a huge relief when they die, because you just don't want them to suffer any more. And I would say it is particularly so with dementia, because the real person has "gone" long before the actual death.
Relief is normal, in my view.

Absolutely agree with @Laiste

Yes.

my dad died of cancer just before Covid and honestly my mum hasn’t coped since. She’s very anxious and now drinks a massive amount to cope with her anxiety. It’s very hard to be around.

I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance)

Oh nice. He puts up with them for their money. 40 years down the drain for money.

I often wonder about all the MIL threads - how many of you women have sons. Perhaps there will be threads about you in 20 years.

Feel the same. My mother is an abusive evil cow.
the relief would come from no longer living with constant dread or fear of her next move.

I think they should hang on for their money. They've endured a lot.

It is very true that any grieving would be for the relationship that was never there. My DH had a difficult relationship with his parents. His brother was the golden child. He still contacts his mother, but fortunately she lives in another town so we don’t see her often. She is old now, and a much mellower person, so it would feel petty to take out bitterness from the past on her now. He does enough for her, but no more. He has long since grieved the relationship he never had with them, so when his Dad actually died it was neither here nor there.

It depends. One relative had the most miserable existence the last few years of their life. The amount of care provided by their only two family members was so much it ruined their lives. Relative would not have carers but needed 4 visits a day.
Frankly, the old saying of it’s a blessing they’ve gone was very very true.
I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone including how the relative ended up existing in one room. Just awful.
I always felt cheated my DF died aged 70 as I loved him so much. His weak heart gave out. I still miss him every day.

I could have written this. I try to support DH as much as I can. I understand his reasons for continuing to support them and I do too for love of him. I think he needs more therapy than he has had and sometimes the stress of them leads to me blowing up at him for not having worked on himself more to stop them effecting us as much. But that has to come from him - I'm not responsible for that. Unfortunately our eldest now sees the dynamic and actively dislikes them. But my god we will all be so relieved when they actually cop it. I hope my children never feel like he does.

I felt relief when my father died.

I got my DH into counselling when his dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer. It was a great call as his parents are similar to your inlaws it helped him process things and a lot of it was painful and heavy to unpack

I sometimes feel the same.
My parents are late 80’s and their whole life revolves around phoning the docs, on hold for the docs, going to the docs, picking up prescriptions, chasing the NHS. Not a week goes by without some medical appointments.
Apart from that they go nowhere, do nothing. Watch the same repeats on TV.
I try to get them to use their vast wealth to make life easier for themselves but they won’t. Go private for health issues, get a cleaner, gardener, but no they struggle and struggle on. Battling the NHS to the point of exhaustion. What’s the point of existing like that. Never happy, everything is always a problem. And trying to help as much as I can even though they are extremely difficult at times is ruining my life.

In both cases, my parents were suffering so there was relief that the suffering was over. But neither had burdened us and I felt deep sorrow.

MIL was different. She was very hard to deal with; demanding and spoiled. I shed no tears. DH felt it was her time. He’d had the bulk of the load so I think he was glad to be done with that.

Strangely BIL, who did nothing for her in her life, was beside himself . But he also pushed DH hard to execute the will🤔

I felt exactly the same, I felt like I'd earned every penny and deserved it. They cost me a fortune in lost earnings and frankly just emotional distress. I was kind and helpful because I'm kind and helpful and I felt that needed to be compensated and that I deserve to have the financial security that I would have been able to give myself if I hadn't given them so much time.

I shed a tear upon mum's death for her as a human being. The next day I woke up to a feeling of overwhelming relief.