Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

Pay no attention to these kind of comments , shit parents can drive you to every emotion you describe and more.
Why shouldn't you think about their money , i just hope they aren't so mean as to give it to a cats home.

The feelings of relief when your parent dies because it ends their suffering are very different to the relief you feel because you don't like them. I think anyone who has had a healthy relationship with their parents can't understand it.

I had for quite a long time significant anxiety about my parents dying, because it had been made clear to me I would be expected to do some kind of eulogy, and I was so scared of that because try as I might I couldn't come up with anything even remotely positive, never mind nice or loving about them. I had nightmares of standing up before people at the funeral with nothing good to say but scared to tell the truth. It was such a relief to be told they've decided to skip funerals in favour of direct cremations. I still have some anxiety about how I'm going to have to pretend to be sad when they die, and say nice things about them to family and friends, because that's what's expected and I'm not interested in conversations explaining my feelings at this stage. This is why I dread them dying.

I will admit that as grandparents they are very different, at least my mother is. They are good grandparents.

We never had that happy family life. I don't remember ever loving them and I definitely don't like them. However I am mired in the FOG enough to have moved them in with me - they have their own apartment at the side of my house, we are not right on top of each other, there isn't any expectation on me to do personal care, we have sorted out the details very clearly and my boundaries WILL remain intact.

I don't expect to be overwhelmed by complicated and unexpected feelings of grief when they do go because I've done enough of that already, because I have already been through the 'grieving the parents I needed instead of the parents they were'. I've come to terms with who they are and who I am but it will never be easy.

Anyone who thinks hanging on for the money is grabby has never been through anything like this. My brother and I deserve their money. We've earned it. My brother WILL have complicated feelings and will struggle. He hasn't processed the past yet as much as I have. I won't necessarily be happy about their death, I won't dance on their graves, but I will be relieved and I won't miss them.

@Shadowpine47 just let your husband deal with things in his own way and support him regardless of how you feel.

This is awful. Please please force her out so you can go! You shouldn’t be held to ransom by her!! Surely you have a choice to get her out and into care if you don’t want her with you? You are wasting your short life waiting on her.

I know poodlelove its difficult. In my school mams app they horrified when I say how hard work my mam is. 80s. I think unless you experience negativity you havent a clue. Its grating though. I will be relieved in some aspects when she goes. I dont like some of her behaviours)

My childhood was awful. Both parents alcoholics.
They expected care in old age that I wasn't prepared to provide.
I was NC when my mum died she said she had cut me out her will, I felt nothing, just relief that I never had to think about her again. I didn't go to the funeral.
My dad is now struggling and I do feel bad for him, he isn't happy on his own but he never gave me a thought when I was a vulnerable child. I was a better daughter than they were parents.
I understand your husband feeling they owe him an inheritance but parents that toxic are using the inheritance as leverage to keep him in line. My mum promised anyone she could manipulate they would be in her will.
If my dad leaves me anything it will never be enough to make up for my childhood I am just grateful I walked away because resentment eats away at you.

My mum died a long painful death from cancer. I definitely prayed she would die. (A combination of wishing her to be pain free and wishing not to watch her suffer. My dad has limited quality of life, is essentially existing yeah it would be easier if he died.

I could have written that.
There are probably a lot more of us around than people realise.
I hope you’re doing ok.
I am.

Not quite sure why you bothered to post that comment tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was 25 when I realized how awful my mum is/was. I had been a mum for 5 years but she's such a manipulator I genuinely didn't see how toxic she was. I always had a feeling growing up something was off with her (I used to compare her to Jean Slater on EastEnders lol) but she wouldn't visit a Dr ever. When I was 25 (only 3 years ago) I broke up with my kids dad. My god, the abuse she sent me for having the audacity to leave an unhappy relationship. I'm talking voice note after voice note screaming and shouting telling me to beg a man who cheated on me to take me back. Telling my 2&3 year old mummy is poorly in the head and needs to see a DR. It's craziness. Cut her off last year and feel 100x better.

What a brilliant post. Thank you, you’ve articulated a lot of my feelings too xx

My mum died 18mths ago. I’ve been strangely detached and calm about it all. It was terrible ofc watching her die, but now she’s gone I feel more peaceful. Less edgy about the next encounter. I’m the only child of very complicated and difficult parents. She was always so terribly argumentative and grandstanding. It was a minefield.

Now Im left coping with my dad..that’s strange too. He’s also given me plenty of difficult times. I do the practicalities but I simply cannot do more. I know he wants more because I’m all he’s got, he’s emotionally lonely. But he spent too many years of my life in angry silence every time things didn’t go slightly his way. It terrified me as a child he would simply shut down and glare in silence for days. I often had no idea why. Many other issues with them both really. I’m angry about it. We could all have had a much happier family if they’d been less self absorbed.

What a brilliant post. Thank you, you’ve articulated a lot of my feelings too xx

My mum died 18mths ago. I’ve been strangely detached and calm about it all. It was terrible ofc watching her die, but now she’s gone I feel more peaceful. Less edgy about the next encounter. I’m the only child of very complicated and difficult parents. She was always so terribly argumentative and grandstanding. It was a minefield.

Now Im left coping with my dad..that’s strange too. He’s also given me plenty of difficult times. I do the practicalities but I simply cannot do more. I know he wants more because I’m all he’s got, he’s emotionally lonely. But he spent too many years of my life in angry silence every time things didn’t go slightly his way. It terrified me as a child he would simply shut down and glare in silence for days. I often had no idea why. Many other issues with them both really. I’m angry about it. We could all have had a much happier family if they’d been less self absorbed.

A

Suki1964

Please go to Australia.
Tell her that you are going for a month.
Tell her she will be paying for her own care , arrange it with a private carer or a home , you need to do this.
Sit her down and tell her.

I was deeply saddened when my Dad died we didn’t have a great relationship but I know he loved me . I don’t miss him .

^ This. It is the loss of hope for some sort of recognition of all the hurt I am struggling with. Tinged with a huge amount of relief that we are nearing the end.

My in laws were like this and have died in the last two years and I can honestly say neither myself, my husband , my husband’s sister and get husband and all of our kids miss them one bit. Isn’t that sad ? But that’s on the in laws and their behaviour not us.

OP

Your H certainly lucked out badly in the parents stakes so you need to support him despite any misgiving you yourself have. You fortunately come from an emotionally healthy family so this type of family dysfunction is completely unknown to you. Your H was fortunate in also having emotionally healthy outsiders who served as role models to him in his formative years.

Are you both certain he is one of the named beneficiaries in either of his parents will?. It is also because wills can certainly be changed without relatives having to know. Toxic parents also use wills and inheritance to keep their adult children in line. My own opinion is that no amount of money would make up for his awful childhood.

Your own boundaries re his parents are also sub par and this is allowing them to continue behaving poorly towards you. They have not changed in all the years since; they were once young and abusive and now they are old and abusive. And you do not have to forgive them for what they did. These people had a choice when it came to your H and they chose the same old what was likely done to them too.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and your H could read Toxic Parents by the same author.

Totally even when my GM died, who was very abusive and I hadn't spoken to since I was 12, I was struck with a kinda wow so that's it's then feeling

It's bizarre as my own parents who are not abusive but highly dysfunctional is that as they age they are rewriting history over and over again, each time with them more centered as the hero/victim/oracle or however else they like to see themselves, and less based in truth or reality. So much so at one point I thought it was the early onset of dementia, and another my DM accused me of gaslighting her.

Any apology, recognition, acceptance or profound change gets less not more likely as time goes on, and yet for some reason we expect it to come atleast by the end.

Yes and its awful to type it and think it but they both have dementia and living no life.

It might be more than just 10 years though, and the care/ support/ time expected and needed will increase year after year. Can he put up with it for an infinite amount of time? The father especially could live until he's 101 - that's a long time to care for someone you don't like!