Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

I'm not going to get an inheritance, but I won't miss them and don't want it. My father was a mocking, spiteful man. My mother (naturally) supported him. The beatings we got with aerial flex "never happened". Their (Pentecostal) religion was nonsense. Most of us go through the ritual of 'loving' our parents until we realize how dreadful they were.

Thank you, for sharing. This is my worry, he seems so casual about it, I’m concerned it will hit him after, look back with rose tinted glasses. He can only think of one time his dad ever picked him up from a sports match… currently this is a “how could my dad be that uninterested in my life, I absolutely love watching our children do their activities it fills me with so much pride and love” …. Will that turn into, but he did watch me that one time, he must have loved me, cue guilt for his current feelings

Nothing wrong with how he feels, I don't blame him, parents are supposed to be the people who have your back. But I wouldn't have it out with his father, if i were him I'd just keep my head down till they die and get the inheritance. If your husband has it out with him then he may be cut out of the will and it sounds like he deserves his inheritance.

I could've written this myself

I used to think I'd feel like this about my mum, for vast the majority of my life.

But now I'm further ahead in my self-healing journey, I think I'd feel sad for her. She's an incredibly flawed person, and made my life hell at times, and imparted character flaws onto me and my siblings.

She was never able to overcome her flaws, or whatever trauma led to her flaws. Despite objectively successful comparative to the poverty she grew up in, she never seems to be at a point of peace or happiness.

The lesson was my peace and transcendence wasn't contingent in her absence (i.e. death) or her evolution. It was down to me.

So I expect, death won't bring your partner relief if he hasn't done the internal work.

Exactly how I feel

Youre not alone. I wouldnt wish death on anyone but Im lying if I say I wont feel a massive relief when my abusive, narcissistic father in law pops his clogs. The same goes for my abusive step father, I wont shed a single tear when that one goes. Hopefully he goes before mum so she can finally live a peaceful life without the torture of the constant psychological abuse and control that he inflicts on her daily.

My parents were abusive during my childhood and just so hard to deal with while I was an adult. I have PTSD from the beatings and some of the treatment I received. Both have passed away now and honestly my life is so much better without them.

With risk of tangent to thread…
make sure that her documents state (advance dirctive) that you don’t accept tube feeding someone with with dementia - they have life limiting illness, part of that is to gradually stop eating, and tube feeding is incredible dangerous with aspiration and achieves nothing but prolonging a life unnecessarily. Nature should be allowed to take its path. Also as things progress worth adding to advance directive to not take her to hospital if she aspirates, call ambulance if nursing staff can’t manage to clear, but not hospital. It’s a bit of battle to get reviews of meds as well to ensure they take end of life patients off all meds that prolong life. (Like statins fgs)

with respect to starving to death, gradually they’ll will stop eating, and even drinking, with final stage dementia. Well usually. My dad lasted months on what was in effect starvation rations sometimes and days of simply not eating at all. We’re talking 10 months. Extrodinary. The nursing home and gps were ensuring what he did eat was high nutritional value and boosted with meal replacement products so when he did eat he was getting loads of calories. He was also switched to “soft and moist” diet to minimise risks of aspiration..but he did still have a few episodes of that. We had real struggle with dad’s partner trying to force food into him and we (his children) and gps and nurses had to explain firmly the dangers of that. And that he had to have autonomy of when he ate.

at times he got very very thin, then would suddenly start eating a bit agian and put a little weight back on. But he didn’t starve to death. His internal organs were shutting down slowly, he was effectively bed bound (through hed be in wheel chair bed in day) and simply the body was telling him he simply didn’t need calories.

like many patients with dementia, he “waited” till we were least expecting him to die, and died at night when none of us were there, probably of heart failure. Staff had been in his room 45 mins earlier and he’d been chatty.

please don’t get anxious about the not eating thing.

and it’s entirely normal, even if you love your parent, to want the grotesque disease that is all the different dementias to end and your parent to die. We had a period of a 5 days vigil when we was so very poorly we though he was going to die. He bounced back. We all felt, as his kids, a weird bit of guilty disappointment that he pulled through. And it was a relief when he died some 6 months later. We loved him well, so if you have less than that sort of relationship those feelings will naturally be even stronger. We, society, don’t talk about it enough, and just feel guilty. Lucking my siblings and I are fairly up front with our feelings so discussed it openly and were relived we were all at same place.

OP, you should be aware that given the parents you describe, your in-laws may just split the inheritance between other members of the family and cut out your husband.

Don't count on a wodge of money to cushion the impact of having to deal with horrible behaviour for decades.

I hope that I am wrong, but thought I should warn you

Yes me. I am currently looking after my 88 year old mother who is declining. Having left home young I forgot how awful she is and now at 60 years of age it’s all coming back. I am so sad for me as a little girl who put up with her. I now recognise when the opportunity came to put distance between us I grabbed it and never looked back. I feel I created a home for my children that was calm which was a million miles away from my childhood.

As a nurse I am quite pragmatic about death and recognise there is a season for dying.

@Shadowpine47 You said there is power of attorney for health & finance in place. Use it, advocate for MIL to get outside help. If her pension is just piling up, then use it to provide care for her & give yourselves a bit of peace. You can absolutely over rule his father as he doesn’t have POA for her. Her children can & should step in. If you are sick or injured, who will shower her then? Better to have the care in place. Very difficult for you all, but it’s worth the fight to get it in place so non of you burn out with pressure & caring duties.

I do not want to denigrate OP or her DH. I personally would simply be cautious when it comes to an inheritance. It is entirely possible for abusive and or narcisstic parents to leave behind a last "kick" by cutting somebody out of a will, unequal inheritance stipulations etc.

If that were to be the case, OP's DH might be biting his tongue for the next few years only to be faced with that additional disappointement and the realisation that he would have wanted to say so many things (to his parents), would have wanted to do things (like cut contact) etc... But that he missed his chance due waiting for an inheritance he'll never receive.

I can only say that we are a different generation and we parent differently. Spin it positively, praise him for breaking the cycle. His father may have not received love from his own father, and he may have “shown” (or not shown) because that’s the only parenting style he knows.
Forgive.. even if it’s one-sided.

Come on if you'd been through the ringer with parents like this, don't tell me you wouldn't at least hang on for the money for your children at least? They sound like they've been pretty great to be honest.

I could have written most of that myself, @Internaut. My mother’s later years were very similar and to be honest, I still miss my father, who died decades before her, much more than her. I felt very guilty about my relief when she died and now wish I’d been much kinder to her than I was, but she really wasn’t a very nice person, although she was a very sad one in her old age.

i can’t even be bothered to read the replies because mumsnet notoriously hates anyone that expects/hopes for an inheritance.

He’s put up with them for this long, wait it out for the inheritance. I think that helping his kids get on the property ladder may give him a bit of feeling like the last few years were worth it,

I don’t have that experience with my parents but I know my dad went NC with his own parents and when they died he found he grieved just as much as anyone whose parents died would have. He had some pretty complex feelings of also grieving the parent he wished he’d had. I don’t think there’s any way to make it easier when they’re gone but he should prioritise himself now. Whether that be NC or not

i can’t even be bothered to read the replies because mumsnet notoriously hates anyone that expects/hopes for an inheritance.

You've got to admit that tolerating 40 years of abuse in order to inherit is a waste of life?

Maybe not. Money is more important than living a life without abuse. It's not hatred, I feel sad they spent 40 years on the receiving end of abuse so they could inherit.

We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.

While I sympathise massively and struggle with similar circumstances, I just wanted to call out this section. Not wanting to have children doesn't mean someone is selfish. Some of the people I know with no kids are also 'the most kind hearted and unselfish souls'. Growing up with parents like this could be one of the reasons they don't want children of their own.

It depends. Is it worth making his and your lives miserable for an inheritance? or do you cut your losses now and stop taking MIL. Let him pay for care for her if he wants a break to play with his gadgets. Let the siblings step up and take their share.

I know which I'd do.

Money can't buy sanity or happiness.

It can pay for therapy.

Knowing now what I do about my own situation with my "parents", I'd have walked away earlier and not looked back. I also wouldn't have contemplated ending my life, or become the physical and mental wreck I have been in private, when I'm not putting on a front to the world.

I neither wanted nor needed their money.
I did need my physical and mental health.
That is priceless.

Also. I chose not to have kids, not because I didn't want to be a parent, but because I didn't want my kids to have my parents in their lives. I made that decision at 13.

Nothing wrong at all with him tolerating them for the inheritance since they are shitty abusive arseholes who don't deserve anything better and unfortunately he didn't leave them to it years ago, when he should have.

Up to you both if you can stand it really, and don't forget sometimes people do change their wills last minute.

In my personal experience it is often the siblings that have done the least to help their parents that cry the loudest at the funerals, I've seen it in my family several times over and I just know that when my MIL dies it will be my SIL who is a selfish, freeloader who does nothing to help her own parents that will be wailing to anyone who will listen that she's devastated. Never misses an opportunity to make it all about her 🙄

You're assuming you are in their will? If they are as awful as you say that cannot be assumed:(

It’s not though, he’s tolerated 40 years of abuse because he loves his parents despite their abuse and because he’s been conditioned to put up with it and probably hopeful that one day they will change. Now he’s realised that is never going to happen and maybe would decide to go no contact now. But the parents are 80, he’s done 40 years of it, he might as well stay the course if he’s likely to get a sizeable inheritance. Also going NC with abusive parents is a grief in itself. It’s a lose / lose slight less and really complicated

I had a difficult relationship with my DM. My dad was lovely but always sided with her.

I think it's confusing when they leave you an inheritance. In my case, for various reasons I received a lot more than my siblings. It leaves you wondering if they were really that bad and my DM wasn't that bad compared to a lot of personality disordered mothers. Like other have said, I felt relief and I didn't feel guilty about that. My mum was my only connection to other family members who I didn't get along with (no I'm not the common denominator - most dysfunctional families are full of damaged relationships) and now I'm free of them.

The key thing is that your DH's dad will never change so it would be pointless talking to him.

MOST IMPORTANTLY DO NOT JEOPARDISE YOUR INHERITANCE!!! Your DH has earned it. Don't listen to people on here saying that you're grabby etc....these people pop up whenever anyone mentions inheritance. You do what's best for you and your children.