Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

It’s one of life’s terrible conundrums.
We are all told this wonderful fairy tale of family and blood bonds that surpass any other. Yet when we are living a very different experience we feel conflicted between the ideal and how we truly feel.
And sometimes parents (or other relations) don’t even have to be horrible people to feel relief at their passing, sometimes the death process whether it be dementia, cancer, old age is a very very hard path to walk even with people you love. It’s an unspoken sigh of relief at the release of pressure that seems so unkind but in all truth is very real and peaceful.
Sorry.

I'll be relieved when my (d)M goes - shes nothing but unwanted drama and stress

My dad has vascular dementia and is a shadow of the man he was - his quality of life is deteriorating rapidly (official diagnosis last year) medication can not delay it / help him.

He is able to do less and less - needs to be reminded to eat / drink / dress appropriately for the weather, and has started to endanger himself.
Fortunately, he has not become violent / aggressive. My mum is struggling (although she refuses external help)

Myself and siblings live hundreds of miles from them.

He was and still is a wonderful dad - as awful as it sounds though , to end the pain would not be a bad thing.

I am also aware of how difficult I am finding the decline in him (I know this sounds selfish , as mum is dealing with so much more)

If they are that bad can you be sure they will even give him the inheritance?

Honestly the only reason I'll feel anything when my DF passes is that I'll have to manage my DM's money & life as she's completely incapable of doing anything except shopping (I'm not exaggerating!). DF's never been bothered with me & has been downright nasty most of my life, and lovely to my mostly absent DB.

I'll admit when MIL passed I felt relief. I couldn't feel any sorrow. She was a horrible woman who made my life hell. I've reaised it wasn't just me, as FIL married her (lovely) friend pretty much immediately & she's never even mentioned. DH will never admit it, but he's glad, too as she was extremely unpleasant. I'll be glad when FIL passes as he's very unwell with a range of health issues & demands DH's constant attention. Every Sunday DH spends with him, convinced he's going to pass soon (He isn't).

I am on board with both issues. My pil were just not very pleasant people. Absolutely self-obsessed and were spectacularly stingy, never ever paying their way. Mil’s presents were legendary - every year I received past-the-sell-by-date chocolates. And given with much fanfare. Plus ungenerous of spirit, too.

They both developed dementia speedily and concurrently and lived for ten years in a care home - severe dementia where they were doubly incontinent and knew not even their own names. Dh was glad when they died as their quality of life was zero.

When they went into a home it transpired they were loaded. No one had a clue. However every single penny down to the final allowance went to Mr Sunset Homes so Dh received £23K less funeral and fil had left instructions for one which ended up costing £11k 😭

I had two mentally ill parents which as a child I thought they were 'normal' but only as I got older I started to realise things with them were not 'normal'.

I looked after my dad briefly when he got ill and it didn't go on for long as he died relatively quickly within a couple of months. He was no trouble really and for me (how sad is this) they were almost happy days as for the first time in my life my dad was 'glad to see me'. He had spent his whole life depressed, resentful (I was an unwanted baby by him) and whilst he would help me with practical things he always made it clear he preferred me to stay away. So I know he was only 'using me' in so far as he needed me for the first time but I was deliriously happy to finally be getting some approval and validation from him. So no I wasn't 'glad' when he died but neither did I miss him much as I never had him in the first place if that makes sense. I was angry at 'fate' for taking him when for the first time I sort of had a connection with him if that makes sense. Quite pathetic really and just goes to show how our relationships with our dads (as women) affect us. He wasn't abusive but supported our mother to be abusive (to save himself I assume) so he was never a 'safe' person.

Mother, totally nightmare. Diagnosed with BPD which made perfect sense given her behaviour over the years. Looked after her for 5 years (I got paid for it) but quite frankly no amount of money would make up for what I went through. I should have known better but having been away from home for years I had only seen the 'good' side of her for a long time. Once my dad died she went back to being a full on nightmare (her whipping boy, my dad was replaced by me). I literally nearly had a breakdown, put on 7 stone over 5 years (which I am now slowly losing) i was actually mentally and physically hanging on by a thread. When the old bitch died I was so relieved I felt faint. Everyone that had contact with her was lied to, manipulated, used and abused. My siblings had next to nothing to do with her (although they have all stopped speaking to me as I stole 'their' share of the money. Yes we are a highly messed up family. I never heard from them before anyway so them 'not speaking to me' makes no difference whatsoever). Anyway the short version is YES is it totally normal to be relieved when a difficult person who is causing you suffering dies. (I believe people with good relationships with their parents can also be relieved but that is because they don't want them to keep suffering). With me, her death meant the end of MY suffering so yes I was giddy with relief. To this day 18 months after she died I cannot look at a photo of her and if I am looking at photo's on my phone etc and come to one of her I swipe past it immediately while averting my eyes. (NHS has diagnosed me with complex trauma from my childhood and I am waiting to start clinical psychotherapy).

Playing by the rules to secure an inheritance is never worth it. You’ll hate yourself after and in the meantime. Accept that there is no inheritance and respect your own peace of mind, life, and interests. Continuing to accept an abusive relationship, follow the rules, and hope for the money someday is detrimental to your mental health and it does affect your kids bc they feel your frustrations. Let the money go, cut the strings, and manage your money better — you’ll be at peace which is priceless.

Yes power of attorney is in place for both of them, that was done when my MIL was diagnosed. Thing is, I can’t see him leaving it to anyone else…. He hates the world, doesn’t want anything going to “the taxman to fund lazy people’s benefits” wouldn’t ever donate to a charity “why should I donate, no-one ever helped me you have to make your own way in this world” and then also won’t spend it? Well, he spends it on “stuff” clothes, books, gadgets but again he will search for the very best deals. Now that I think about it, he won’t spend it on services probably because he thinks he should be getting it for free and by paying someone he is “giving them his money” kind of makes sense if you have that mean sort of Scrooge outlook on life. So I think we likely will get it in the end, as a lesser of evils so to speak. It is currently left equally between the siblings with a healthy amount to our children too, I can’t see it changing… apart from cutting us out and leaving to one over the other?

People do feel like that sometimes if a parent or any relative is very elderly and ill; death is then a blessed relief. It doesn't mean they are not loved - the person themselves may wish their life to be over.

I have a cousin who has just turned 90. She was fine up until a couple of years ago, then everything changed. I won't go into details but she developed dementia and really was not safe, she caused no end of problems for neighbours and was going out at all hours. She had a dreadful row with another cousin, even throwing her out of the house, who was deeply hurt at the time but did after a while realise the cause. She tried phoning and still delivered birthday and Christmas cards through the letterbox but that was all (she died last year at 84 but that was quick, it was quite a shock).

Cousin (90) had carers going in to make sure she was washed, dressed and fed. I last spoke to her before Christmas, she phoned me and wanted to know if I had received her card, had she sent it to the right address (I moved last year). She sounded fine then. We chatted about her family. A couple of weeks later I phoned her and a carer was there, she gave the phone to the carer and said, crossly, she didn't know who I was or what I was talking about.

She has three children, all now retired people. They were always a close family, very loving, but two of them don't live near though they saw her often and did anything for her. Nobody could watch her 24/7 so early this year she went into a care home, somewhere that is easy for them to get to.

Her eldest son sent me a photo of her a couple of weeks ago, taken on her birthday, with birthday cake. I was really upset by it, she looked like a cadaver.

We were not close (she was close to my mum), but she was always in my life and I loved her children who are all a few years younger than me. I was her bridesmaid when I was little.

I am pretty sure my cousin's children will consider their mother's death a happy release and I know they love her very much. She would not be in a care home had she been manageable at home, I am sure of that. However dementia is a whole different ball game if the person concerned becomes angry and is physically well enough to be going out and creating havoc (some are not like that, they just go quiet and take to bed).

My father in law had a very painful illness which resulted in his death in his seventies and that was a release for him but he was loved.

It's not always bad to not be sorry, or even to be glad, when a parent dies.

I am 75 and doing my best to keep healthy, independent and not be difficult :-), but nobody knows what is around the corner.

If it would help my Children I'd be tempted.

This will sound mercenary but his parents haven't been there for him as they should have, in the most important way - emotionally. They've treated him terribly and left him having to have these thoughts of relief, and left him with a complex relationship.

The least they can do is be there for him financially, and if that means he has to see it through to recieve inheritance then so be it. If he can do it without suffering too much abuse and manipulation, not saying he should be at their beck and call but to be cut off at the end of a life of not being able to rely on your parents, that would be more damaging.

They sound awful. I dont blame him for thinking that.

I'm no contact with both my parents, will be very happy when this day comes. People who have good relationships with their parents can't understand how hard it is.

It's not their money though is it, it is his parents money. Not sure him hanging on for "his" money paints him as a caring and unselfish person.

I will be relieved when my darling DM is released from the prison of her Alzheimer’s.

The one thing I have learned is not to judge. Everyone has to live with their own feelings and conscience. Walk a mile in their shoes.

Yes plus he is not really hanging on for their money. He feels like a little boy whose parents don’t love him and while the adult side thinks enough is enough let’s go no contact, and the teenage side thinks fuck them I want my inheritance, that little boy told you through tears that he wants his mum to want him.

just support him in his feelings, tell him it’s totally normal to feel this way, don’t bitch excessively about them or tell them how shit and unkind they are - he knows this and even if he sits nodding along or even goes on a rant in agreement, it is salt in the wound. It’s horrid being reminded how your parents aren’t normal and don’t really love you.

If the relationship is that bad end it. Let the in-laws spend their money on funding care for themselves.
No-one should let a toxic relationship sour their life. Equally no-one should keep a relationship going purely out of greed for an inheritance. Their money is not your entitlement. Either let it pass you by and gain peace of mind or stop moaning about how they behave and hang around for the payday.

Seems like they are hanging on in there for financial reasons

My DP cut off his entire blood family by the time he was 21. Parents, siblings, the lot. He had some contact with a cousin later in life who then also screwed him over.

He felt nothing when any of them died. So it’s not totally unusual, but he didn’t pander or hang around for inheritance etc. Just cut them off.

He doesn’t think it’s his money, he doesn’t even think he’s entitled to it, it’s just that he has seen the will, he has power of attorney… it’s more that he can see that in all likelihood it will eventually be passed on to him, his siblings and our children. More of a, this would be a nice thing to happen to us and our children so I am going to put up with it.

I feel relieved my dad died after a short illness at 80, without ever becoming disabled or reliant on care. I'm glad he died with his dignity and independence intact and with all his marbles. He was a wonderful man - so intelligent, so modest and kind. A life well lived and I think of him now with gratitude and love.

My mum is 90 and is pretty miserable a lot of the time. She's very disabled now and is losing her cognitive capacity. She lives with my sister who sometimes feels overwhelmed by the burden of caring for her. I would never want to admit it openly, but I fantasise about my mum passing away quickly and peacefully, like my dad. It makes me sad that she's so obviously fearful of death given her great age. I know my siblings will feel relieved along with sadness at losing her. I hate to see her miserable, and she hates being so disabled. She was a very active, sociable woman up until her 80's.

Yeh I get that, this has been more of a long drawn out road of trying and failing to create a family bond rather than just hanging around for the money…. If this stuff had happened over 20 years ago then no doubt he would have cut them off… but they’ve got worse with age… getting to this stage now, where it’s worse but they are elderly, it is something he is considering.

I was certainly relieved when my mother died, since she was 97 and had had advanced dementia for several years - doubly incontinent, you name it. Her former self would never have wanted to continue that pitiful existence.
OTOH my father was only 72, after bowel cancer. That was just terribly sad.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling relieved when unpleasant/selfish/ neglectful parents die.

No judgment at all, but please allow me to say this: my father died after battling dementia for 10 years. I prayed that he died so he and us could get some relief. The guilt I felt after he actually passed, I am still working on it with a therapist and it’s been 13 years since he died. Forgive forgive forgive, because once a parent passes no matter how horrible people they maye have been, the guilt alongside grief are unbearable.