Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

Yes - I felt relief when my father died. For context, he was abusive and died suddenly from a heart attack a few years ago. When I got the news the overwhelming feeling was relief, and I felt relieved watching his coffin go into the ground. It’s relief but also a lot of other complicated feelings - a lot of sadness but not in the ‘traditional’ sense for losing a parent. More a loss and a grief of what could have been different! My mother enabled a lot of the abuse I think I will feel similar when she goes. I thankfully have a very healthy and happy family of choice now, but can relate strongly! No shame should be felt!

I understand your DH. I grew up with a deeply narcissistic mother and enabling father. It got worse with each passing year and I remember thinking over and over well into my thirties and even forties that I would never be free until they were gone. Now NC for years but they still abuse me via text from afar, which I don't reply to but which still manages to deeply upset me. My mother has brought me nothing but misery for my entire life. I don't have a single happy memory of her or any feelings of love at all. My father went from turning a blind eye to her behavior to being an active participant in the abuse as the years dragged on, especially if I ever tried to establish the smallest of boundaries. I do not wish them ill, but I will not miss them when they are gone. It has always been a one-sided relationship and one built on control, fear, abuse, and obligation.

For what it's worth, while I completely understand the thought that you've earned some inheritance for all the misery, it's simply not worth sacrificing your happiness. Life is too short.

no, not necessarily.

as i said above my dad died a month ago. do i remember the 'one' time he did x? no

i remember being told why the fuck was I phoning during TV mass and hung up on (I was going to check if they wanted a video call of the grandchildren playing in snow)

I remember being told I wasn't as good as my sister, i wasn't as smart, my grades weren't as good.

I remember she getting the good presents ( the computer, the car) and me having to make do of the same when she wasn't using them

I remember having to be talked at on all phone calls home for ages (for example took about 5 minutes before i could get a word in edgeways to say i had Covid)

Sorry, this isn't about me and I do have A LOT to unpack, but no, your husband will not necessarily suddently be all emotional.

As awful as it sounds my FIL had a stroke 13 years ago and has been at deaths door ever since. My MILs life has been on hold, and he doesn’t even want to be here. Feels like a waste of two lives.
It is also very difficult for us to visit as FIL can’t cope with the kids being in the house, so we haven’t seen much of them in DLL these years.

Or maybe this generation will finally break the cycle?

I honestly get the sense of it being like a baton - I’ll treat you how I was treated because it’s your turn. Or as I have experienced, untreated mental health issues, which manifest in batshit behaviour. Not on my watch. I look after my mental health and would never do some of the shit I’ve heard about and experienced.

Do you mean the payoff is getting closer?

Oh lordy lordy, I'll be double checking the headlines after reading this. It sounds like the start of an ITV special 😳

That's different to hanging round resentfully waiting for the money. I have an elderly relative with advanced dementia, her life is awful fortunately all her money has gone so no one waiting for the money.

I agree, I think most parents get like this eventually even the decent ones.
At one time you would have a heart attack and drop dead, or get cancer and be dead after six months. Now we keep people alive year after year in a pitiful state with no real
quality of life.

Another me too but I hope for understandable reasons...

My father sexually abused me as child. Something I had shoved down for years and tried to just get on with it and have been an active member of the family. One year before he died I saw a therapist who really helped me understand just how much life long damage he had caused me.

My father got diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer about six months before he died. I wasn't sad, and when he said to me, dutifully visiting him in hospital: "Why has this happened to me, I've been a good man haven't I?" I wasn't sad, I was angry.

So yes I'm relieved that he died mainly because I knew I had reached a point where I was going to have to face head on what he'd done and cut him out of my life (and the rest of the extended family with it in all likelihood). For years I'd actually been worried that if any of the wider family had children I would have to 'out him' to make sure it didn't happen to them, blowing up the family and possibly not being believed. Thankfully now I can smile politely when they talk about how great he was, I don't want to shit all over their memories to leave them in ignorance of the facts is kinder.

And I have to admit I'm glad I didn't cut him out before I found out about his terminal illness and all of his inheritance go to a close family member who did know about the SA, was there to see some of it and still thought that he was a good but flawed man...

Is it possible legally to "evict" her and force her into care.

I think we need to make life a lot more supportive for old.people in this country. Compared to some countries we are terrible at it. Old.people get depressed and try to soldier on often because they just get abandoned and misunderstood. Old age is very hard. Have you ever BEEN to a care home ( rhetorical). If we gave more old people.dignity and stimulation I dont think half these problems.would occur. That's not to say some people aren't just awful human beings of course.

It is better to make peace now because after they die the opportunity is gone for ever.There are always complex feelings around relationships with parents, and when there are difficult situations these can lead to deep emotional scars.It is better to try to understand and forgive for your own happiness long term.
As to the possibility of an Inheritance, well that’s always uncertain. (Care can cost upwards of £1500 a week, or the will could be changed.)
Don’t let it be about money.

I grew up being third best - out of 3 - simply because I was a girl. My Dad wanted a son to carry on the family name and as I was the first born I was a huge disappointment. Apparently when I was born he said ‘never mind we will have a boy next time’ and luckily they did.

Dad died over 20 years ago from cancer but mum always showed more favouritism than he did. She said and did some very hurtful things over the years as I never did come up to scratch. She had dementia and died a couple of years ago and I kept my distance as I wasn’t included on her POA so her care was down to my brothers. My overwhelming feeling was relief. She would never be able to be nasty or put me down again. I wish we had had a better relationship but that wasn’t my fault and I don’t feel guilty for not being upset at her death.

I can't wait. It will be a relief and I will feel like I can actually live my own life.

When people post about their mums being their best friends I have no idea what they're talking about or why they would even want their mum to be a friend, let alone their best friend. It is likely I never had kids because I never wanted to be called Mum.
As I said to a friend when I was 10, I hate all mums. Obviously I don't hate every woman who is a mum now, but I certainly hate mine.

My dm has never been a kind, loving dm. She is a narcissist. Is cruel, insulting, bullying and controlling. Selfish, has no empathy. I became lifelong ill from the constant stress and being stuck in fight/flight mode. It sounds cruel but no I'd be relieved to finally be free.

Interesting thread. My mum died when I was a child, my dad had PTSD from WW2 but of course, no one would have known much in those days. So he was often desperately unhappy and in the end, very unwell, although he tried to put a front on. He was found on the floor in his sheltered accommodation after a stroke but didnt want to go to hospital as he was scared of dying there. I insisted, he gave in and lo, a few days later he died. I think he just gave up. Initially I thought I was ok with it - I mean the way he died wasn't great, but at least we were all sat round his bed. He was 72. I sort of believed it was a "release".

30 years on, I feel differently, I feel his fear of illness, his fear of not dying a good death and of hospitals. I'd always known he'd had a difficult life, now I understand even more of it and why he struggled to parent me. But I didn't suffer half of what some posters are detailing here so not sure my experience is relevant, I suppose I just thought yes blessed relief when he went and now I think "poor old sod".

I do t think it is normal to think that way about healthy parents. I do think a lot of people will relate to feeling relieved when someone who has been sick for a long time dies and they have been in pain or had dementia.

Oh I so agree with this - my memories of my parents would be entirely positive were it not for the last few years. My dad wasn't a selfish person but old age and fear made him behave selfishly and his behaviour has led to resentment from me and my brothers. And because he covered DM's dementia, I thought she didn't care and I judged her harshly for never remembering anything about the kids or their birthdays etc.

However awful it would have been to have lost them before the terrible last few years, their legacy would have been so much better.

My mum died in her 60s very quick illness and she was a lovely kind woman .

My Dad left my Mum after 20 years of marriage for a woman half his age , he is selfish , self centered ,grumpy , cruel , manipulative, has no interest in Grandchildren, very tight with money , has a big house , after a recent wedding where he caused trouble and embarrassed me , I wrote him a long letter and told him exactly why I no longer wish to have contact with him.
What a relief , first time in 30 years I don't feel obligated , guilty and relief.
Our children told us that they will not be going to their funeral when he dies.
I told one person that I am going none contact with him and they were horrified.
So.i will not mention him to anyone in the future.

I loved my mother very much. But oh, I was relieved when she died.

I was relieved when my mum died. It ended her suffering h, tgat is the only reason ... would give anything for another day with her now.

My father's parents were awful. My father's sister ended up in intensive care after her abusive excuse for a husband beat her one time. She divorced him thankfully, but my awful grandparents would turn her away from their front door because he was over for Sunday frickin lunch. Just terrible, terrible people. They both had dementia quite early on and went into a care home so there was nothing left of any inheritance. I've never missed them. I'm sad that they never grew a conscience or kindness or empathy. But truthfully, and I hate to be able to say it about my own grandparents, but the world is better off without them in it. 😔

I'll be thankful when Mum dies. She has vascular dementia which although only recently diagnosed has been a steady decline for probably 6 years. I think she will be in a care home soon and I'm dreading having to make that transition for her. I literally pray that she will just not wake up one day

My DH will be relieved when his parents die. His biggest regret is not going NC many years ago.

It is too late & too complicated to do it now but every time we see them he mentions how he regrets not walking away years ago.