Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

If they're that abusive he might not have been left anything. Their final act of abuse is being left nothing.

Plus OP, not many people live past 85.

I was relieved when mine passed.
Heartbroken, conflicted, relieved, so bloody sad too.
But I was so so so glad it was finally over, the decades of abuse, the having to deal with my so called sisters for the last 12 years, the NC of the last 5, the secrets of being reconciled but being their dirty secret.
Im now waiting on my inheritance. Every last penny.
Do i need it ? Nope. But its mine. Its not the flying monkeys, its mine. My share.
Im not holding out for the money, but im fucked if anyone else is getting it in that family.
A sizable donation will make its way to womens aid.

I was relieved when my DM died, and she was lovely.

She had dementia, but was still living independently. The dementia only became apparent when my DF died, and I wonder if it was partly triggered by the shock.

She was perpetually confused and anxious about things, especially money. She would ring me most days, sometimes more than once in a day, in a complete panic about money even though there was plenty in the bank. She couldn't make sense of the numbers if there were more than 4digits, eg would think that £10,000.00 was £100.00.

She was a hoarder, not by temperament, but because she was scared to throw anything away in case it was "important". She had lost the ability to tell the time, and used to ring me to ask me. (I thought she couldn't see the numbers on the silly digital clock, so bought her a big, plain wall clock: it was only then that I realised it wasn't a sight issue.)

She lived 180 miles away, so it wasn't as though I could just pop round daily to sort her out, and I was working full time, had 2 dogs, and was in the death throes of an abusive marriage. My brother was no help at all, he lived almost as far away but in a completely different direction, and had not long been discharged after being sectioned so his MH was shit.

When she died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism less than a year after my DF, I was genuinely relieved. When the funeral was over, her house was finally cleared out and I handed the keys back to the council, the relief was almost immediate. I remember joining the motorway a couple of miles from where she lived, and thinking "I'll never have to do this journey again". It was like a weight lifting.

My DH feels like this. His mum did pass with dementia and honestly death is less cruel than suffering that disease and also being the family member trying to deal with it. His dad is quite toxic too and I don't think he feels anything for him.
My nan was a horrible mother to my dad and siblings and my dad always said sge is just a woman to him, no feelings there. My aunt lived a street away from her and never even went to the funeral she hated her that much.
I cant relate. But I understand

It's something you're not allowed to say out loud, isn't it? Because it sounds so awful! But, yes, I can understand where your DH is coming from too.

My Dad wasn't the best when we were kids. He could be lovely and generous, but, he was an alcoholic who was nasty when drunk (which was most days). He would threaten to hurt our Mum, throw plates and glasses, punch doors etc.

Mum is now dead, and he is in a retirement community, but he is deteriorating fast. Me and my sibling have to keep all the plates spinning, to facilitate his life, because he does absolutely nothing for himself - brain too addled, I guess.

His legs are swollen and weeping, he keeps weeing and pooing himself, so he's ruined all his carpets. He keeps getting drunk in the bar, and a few weeks ago he was so drunk that he didn't realise he was in the bar, and he took his trousers and pants off to do a pee. He was naked and staff had to cover him with a table cloth. All caught on CCTV, but when shown the "evidence" he just said "that's not me".

This week, I have had to apply for some new benefits he's entitled to, arrange new carpets for his flat, remotely do his food shop. At least 5 hours work. He calls me and my sister constantly. But he can't hear what we are saying, because he's lost his hearing aids (that were only replaced a few days ago). It goes on, and on, and on and on.

Given their attitude and lack of thanks, I’m amazed you can bring yourself to do all this for them. I don’t think I could. Especially all the personal care for his mother! For my peace of mind I think I’d have to decline. It would be different if you had a good relationship with them prior but they sound selfish and dreadful.

i dont blame him but dont know why you have to help out its not your parents-should they cut u off so be it

Surprises me on MN how many people have such a bad relationship with their parents.

I'm fortunate to have a good with mine.

This
i came on to say exactly the same, invoke the POA and get some help.
Have you claimed attendance allowance for her?, our council also discount the council tax for mentally impaired people so if there is only the two of them at home you could be able to claim 25% discount.
My lovely mum had dementia, she was probably my best friend for all my life but the dementia nearly broke me and my brother. We have both admitted we felt relief when she died.

I completely and utterly understand. And it was a blessed relief to be rid of my siblings too.

I think everyone, including my DP, will be relieved when my MIL passes... she is not mentally well and is just fading in a care home.

Have you asked them what they think?

That’s what my dad said, he didn’t go to her funeral but it still hit him like a tonne of bricks and he was shocked by that. Toxic parents really do a number on their children

I totally get this OP. A lot of people will feel this way. My DHs mum is a total PITA for us, I know DH jokes about her one day dying from a short sharp illness but he’s not actually joking, he knows life will be easier when she’s not here.

This is the worry, we are currently hoping she dies before it gets that far

My mum has dementia. She has always refused to acknowledge it. My stepdad is her sole carer and it’s wearing him down. I hope she dies before he has no choice but to have her sectioned.

People don’t generally get on line to say “my mum is great, we’re the best of friends. Anyone else feel this way?”

Whereas if you’ve had a difficult childhood, quite often motherhood is the first time you start realising that things weren’t actually normal, or right. That was certainly the case for me when it slowly dawned on me how very parentified I was, and how many adverse childhood experiences had taken place before I was 18 - I’d always been told by my parents they were absolutely normal events to happen.

I don’t have a bad relationship with my parents fwiw. We have a very surface level, very distant but friendly relationship and I gently rebuff any conversations that I don’t want to have.

I agree with you. It’s quite amazing how many threads there are about awful mothers in law. We never get to hear the other side…….

Yes op I feel that way at times. Mams sister lived a good old age 92 lol. It is nice lately but her moods can erupt fast. Then everyone tense. We dont bring her away for these reasons. Sometimes its draining listening to it. I said join something if u feel we dont do enough. 80s. All about me me

My lovely mum has Alzheimer's and emphysema, She has recently been moved to a Nursing home after a lengthy hospital stay. She is now Palliative/comfort care only.
She is a shadow of herself, weighs less than 4 and a half stone, has to be held up to go to the toilet, is starting to not recognize her family and her anxiety is through the roof and spends most of her time scared and upset.
I have spent years keeping everything spinning - paying bills, visits everyday, washing, cooking, cleaning, personal care, managing medications as well as fending off multiple calls a day and night all while trying to hold down a full time job and be a single parent.
I have put my life, and my child on hold as her needs have had to come first. my child and i have had 2 one night breaks away in 5 years.
I will be devastated when mum dies, but she has been slowly dieing for years and it is destroying us all day by day. So yes, there will be a sense of relief when it happens. Relief for her and for us.

I’ll be relieved when MIL goes. She has been so much trouble. A horrible woman. However, I have noticed that cruel people can live very long lives. She’s well into her 90s already, and in good health. She’ll probably outlive me.

You sound lovely, don't you? Judging your siblings for not having kids! Not wanting children doesn't make you selfish.

That hadn't occurred to me but it makes sense, those whose impulse is to prioritize themselves are likely to come out on top aren't they!

I adored my parents (I was very lucky to have wonderful parents) and whilst I do miss them everyday, I am glad that they are deceased. Had either of them still been alive today - with the health conditions that took each into hospital for their final days - they would be bed bound and wholly dependent on others for care. This is something that neither would have wanted (and they both strongly vocalised not wanting resus, to be bedbound etc etc). Both were independent up to a few days before death, and so I am glad that they were spared what I see many people going through. Like a PP said, death was a mercy for them.

So, I don't think it is bad to voice these things. I can't imagine what it is like to be the sole carer of family members over the years. And - even as a nurse - I cannot imagine the emotional, financial and physical toll that takes on a person over the hours, days, weeks, months, years. Let alone when there are challenging background stories in play. But I do know how hard it can be to look after some patients, and I see the stress that families are under. It can be brutal, relentless and thankless.