Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

My dad felt the same way he had an abusive upbringing, his mother was a narcissist. She called my mum a bitch etc.

He was an only child so maybe a bit different to your situation so he felt more of a duty to look after them. Evening buying a bungalow so they could move closer, to which his mum then said no they weren’t moving despite all the stress and the fact my parents literally owned the bungalow at this point!

The idea was they could then sell their house and buy the bungalow off my parents which did happen in the end after a lot of stress!

There’s a lot more stories I could go into. But ultimately my dad did stick around and inherited the bungalow. His reasoning was it was sort of a reward for putting up with all the crap over the years.

It sounds like it’ll be a life changing amount of money for you OP. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it certainly makes like easier. So I’d probably stick around for it. Maybe just doing the bare minimum.

It sounds like he could have written this post. I’m so sorry for your struggle.
Thank you for sharing

It sounds like you are all less than perfect people.

Having children doesn’t make you selfless or a better person. As your thread about your parents in law has demonstrated. It is likely that your husbands sibling were so damaged by their upbringing they wanted to break the cycle. Making a decision not to have children can be hugely selfless

@Shenmen and @InterestedBeing I can’t speak for anyone else but at a guess, we’d all be thrilled if they spent their money making their own and other people’s lives better.

I’m constantly reminding mum that she can afford to pay for various services that would help her, that she doesn’t need to spend her energy on arguing with Lidl about whether she can return a £5 item without a receipt or whether she should have to pay the fine for overstaying in the car park. Just spend the bloody money. Make yourself happier. Buy your grandchildren a present they actually want, rather than a mug from a charity shop that happens to have a horse on it. Or wrapping an ornament from your own house and being cross that you are sent a photo of the 1 yr old playing with the paper (as she isn’t particularly impressed by the ornament BECAUSE SHES 1).

Please Mum, spend the money. Stop using your family as free labour on Sisyphean tasks.

As she won’t, nothing wrong with being pleased to see it when it arrives.

I can understand your DH in many ways.

I am lucky in the sense that I have a good relationship with my elderly parents, my dear mum has been a great parent to me and my sister (but admit that dad is an awkward old sod at times though and we have a prickly relationship).

For the last 7 years I have been helping my parents out, a lot. Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018, she is bent over with osteoporosis, has heart disease and last year was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I am at their house 5 days a week and I am exhausted. Dad just can not see how much this affects our (dsis and I) lives and those of our partners and children. I think it's natural to become quite self centred when old and infirm but obviously much worse if that person was not a pleasant character to begin with.

To add more pressure my mum fell over in their garden last week. She dislocated her knee, broke her hand and received a massive gash to her forehead. To add insult to injury she has also fractured her neck, not the greatest of injuries when you are 82 with osteoporosis (and dementia and have zero idea what is going on). So I am now at the hospital every day.

Life with elderly and infirm parents is a living nightmare at times and even worse with dementia thrown in. Secretly I admit that I have had enough (although I can't quite bring myself to say I will be relieved when they go as I do love them dearly but that thought is buried in some deep recess of my brain).

I agree - my dad hated my mum (who died a while ago) and I feel like I'll only be able to properly grieve for my mum once he dies and stops lying about everything and rewriting history to make himself look so much better than he actually is.....
I've given up correcting his stories about Mum and "everything she did wrong and he did right" but it's emotionally exhausting.....

Thank you. I would describe my husbands upbringing as neglectful due to his parents pure selfish nature. The kids were never put first ever. His siblings have moved away, decided not to have families of their own (why would they, they have no good example of a loving family) obviously both of his parents fell out with their own families years ago, so it kind of feels like he is an only child in that respect. The siblings get away with doing nothing except the phone call on birthdays. He was heavy into sports as a child and of course his parents had zero interest so he spent a lot of time with his best friends family, dinner after school before training, his friends dad would take them, drop him home etc and then we met when we were teenagers so he was involved with my family from a relatively young age…. Thankfully I think these relationships helped him see what a loving family looks like and he did want children.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

My dad died a few years ago, he'd been ill so it was a merciful release when he went.
When you think about it, there's lots of phrases like merciful release.
Sorry for your loss, I often hear as 'not prying but I'm sorry you may not have had something'.

Anyway, no, I've not missed my dad in a day to day way, a knowledge way, an emotional support way. My parents were always very keen to talk over and over again about their triumph over adversity so I think I've given sufficient time to their main character energy.

I think DH is keen for his dad to go because he's a terrible ill person and it's draining the life out his mum.

None of this could be voiced to the wider family or anyone without detailed knowledge of decades of interaction.

You can love or appreciate someone without them being alive.

I agree, it's compensation.

Absolutely this! His dad moans all the time about how hard his life is - we try to encourage him to get extra carers, a cleaner, pay for respite etc etc etc. Nope, he is quite happy to spend money on himself (clothes, food, books, gadgets) but not to make his life easier… that’s what we are for.
We take his mum for weekends, I shower her and dress her and take her out… not so much as a thank you let alone here’s £10 for the kids so you can buy them an ice-cream whilst your out this weekend. No thought ever.
When we were younger his attitude was always “no-one ever helped me so you have to stand on your own feet like I did” (we never asked for help, this was always things like “just so you know I won’t be giving you any help for your wedding like insert my parents because no-one ever helped me” ) but now that we’re older and in his eyes, wealthier than him (our salaries are higher than his was so therefore we have more money… 🙄) the attitude is “I’m on a fixed income with my pension, you should look after your parents” so draining.

In many respects it was a relief when my mother died, and certainly from her point of view it was in the merciful release category, She had a stroke 10 years beforehand and massively resented its effects on her, and she developed gradually increasing vascular dementia. Unfortunately it made her increasingly unpleasant and difficult to deal with. I felt really bad about her carers, to whom she could be incredibly rude - I knew because occasionally she didn't recognise me and would be equally rude. She regularly proclaimed that she wanted to die.

However, when she did die I found I had very mixed feelings. She was never the greatest parent, but I suppose memories of when she was better, and her occasional kindnesses, came back, and it was all mixed in with feeling sorry about how utterly miserable she became. Her funeral was in many ways a big catharsis and I spent the next day absolutely poleaxed with grief, but then was able to draw a line. Family relationships are so complicated!

Yes, OP.
Absolutely.
My parents (another country) were hugely emotionally abusive.
When remaining parent dies, I will claim my inheritance and that will open the door for me to other choices and options, as in leaving husband and settling on my own, if I want.

Even with residential care, there would be, this is something we already encourage as I think it would be better all round but he is way too tight to pay for it. Yes all the will, power of attorney over financial and health in place.

my dad died a month ago and i shed no tear.
my mum isn;t as bad but she was an enabler all her life, she allowed the emotional toxic abuse, she should have left. so while i sorted carers and will look after essentials, i won;t miss her when she is gone either

My DH will definitely feel that way when his mum dies. She is a very controlling, unpredictable, drunk. He is NC with her now which is far better for him. I’ve never pushed him one way or another, he made that choice but it is definitely better for him and he is happier.

I feel exactly the same about my father.

Yes, the unequal expectations are very glaring. No help from my parents, they also gave their own parents no help. But they expected everything and felt they deserved it. She even used to say 'I kept you for 18 years'.

I believe that your DH's feelings are entirely understandable and I do not think he should be ashamed of them.

My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.

That one sentence did make me pause, however.
I strongly believe that he needs to do what feels right for him (emotionally) and not financially. Simply because he may realise that his parents didn't treat him and his siblings equally in their wills. And by then it will be too late to tell them the things he needs / wants to say but currently isn't due to considering an inheritance, his family's financial needs etc.

Obviously not 40 years of waiting since he was a child for 16 of those years who knew no different. We met, he hoped the relationship would improve into adulthood. We had children he hoped the relationship with their grandchildren would improve his relationship…. On and on he has tried and now that he is a father himself over the years he has come to realise just how bad they were - in comparison to how we treat our children, we would do anything for them, we love them more than anything and always put them first - realising your parents never did that for you. It’s been a journey

I know or know of so many older people like this. It’s exhausting to be around. I sympathise and hope maybe soon they might accept they need help / can pay for help. If you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting perhaps you can withdraw slightly and suggest or insist that they get help, other than you. It’s really hard.

in the case of my lovely mum, yes death came as a relief.
She collapsed with sepsis was resuscitated but moments later was found to have end stage carcinomatosis as the body scan finally found its was way to resus. Not sure which of us was more livid that the hospital had enacted the sepsis pathway at that point as she wanted to go before she collapsed. I would not wish the extra four weeks of uncontrolled pain she had to take on anyone. even the syringe drive drugs on EoL care did not touch it. Death was a final and most welcome friend. I still miss her but I am also glad death finally came as a mercy and took her away from such severe uncontrollable physical pain.

I have a good relationship with my mum and step dad. They are both 82 and have gone downhill rapidly since Christmas, both with multiple health conditions.
My brother and I took my mum to a hospital appt yesterday as she has very poor mobility and is losing her sight. The last thing I want to be doing is pushing my mum round in a wheel chair
I dont live close to them, my brother is doing a great job, I do what I can.

From where I'm sitting its a miserable existence, little joy, a lot of anxiety. Old age brings a lot of indignity.
So yes to be honest I hope they will both die soon.
There is no inheritance to be had. I'd just like them to be at peace

I think this is common and often perfectly rational. It's good we have forums like this where people can be honest and not have to pretend, in order to fit in with societal expectations.

I will be relieved when dm dies and it will hopefully give me closure on an ongoing family situation dsis has caused over dm money. Once i know dm has gone and it is confirmed the will has been changed in favour of dsis which i think it has recently I can cut all ties with dsis and move on