Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

I think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to feel a sense of relief when someone dies who has been a burden/a tie/hard work. Either because they were unpleasant and rude and obnoxious, or because they were clingy, demanding, and/or ill, and put on you all the time.

It's OK to feel relieved... Whether it's a parent, or a partner, or an elderly pet who has become clingy, ill, old, hard work, and a bit of a tie. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel relieved when they're gone. (Or didn't secretly wish for them to die, when they get to this point.)

As you say @Shadowpine47 no-one is waiting for their parents to die from the minute they are born - like 40-50 years, (or waiting for their partner to die, from the minute they marry them,) and that's a ridiculous thing to suggest. 🙄 But when they become a burden/a tie, and especially if they become obnoxious and rude and ungrateful, it can be a relief when they're gone. Freeing and unburdening...

It’s so strange isn’t it? I once asked his dad why he wouldn’t pay for a gardener since he moans he can’t do it himself anyway (hint hint, why aren’t you doing it for me) and so they no longer use the garden at all. And he just cannot give an answer, his wife’s account goes untouched (since she’s unable) just money accumulating every month from her pensions, not a penny touched. Why? I don’t understand it.
She has the bare minimum in terms of care she is entitled to on the nhs and nothing more, he struggles through and ropes us in.

I felt a sense of relief when my grandad died. He was depressed and his dementia was starting to take over. He was difficult to be around at times although during his lucid moments he was just my dear old grandad but life was about to get really difficult for him. He ended up being hit by a driver and died. It was fucking awful but at the same time I felt like it was probably, not for the best, but at the same time the kindest way for it to be over. Instant, he wouldn’t have known a thing. I held his hand as he died in hospital and felt
so guilty and conflicted about it all. Still do really.

Why shouldn't they. They deserve it after everything they have suffered.

It will be life changing, so will be worth it.

This is what I’m doing, they drop hints about something that needs attention and I just let the hints wash over me now, whereas before I’d pick up on them straight away and do what was needed. My advice regarding medical stuff is always ignored and they continue down the same fruitless path. Continuing with NHS when they have more than enough means to get seen quicker privately.

100% - they struggle in the heat with a big garden moan how bad it makes them feel afterwards, aching, tired, bruised, and scratched from brambles and won’t employ someone. Try to guilt me into helping. I won’t do it.

My mother is sadly a very toxic person. All my life, since my earliest memories, I’ve had to manager her emotions. If she was ever sad or angry, it became my responsibility to make her feel better.

This bled into my young adulthood. I became a people-pleaser, had no boundaries and couldn’t say no. I’m having to unlearn all of these things. My mother made it very clear that her love was conditional, conditional on me acting and doing exactly what she wanted and if I ever strayed from that, there would be consequences.

She has made my life hell, created issues in my marriage, tries to control her grandchildren’s lives. But I don’t let her anymore. My little family unit is what matters.

She has threatened to kill herself, remove me from the inheritance and give it all to my brother. But I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to put up with it and let it dictate my life any longer. I will always love her and the guilt never truly goes because it is so deeply ingrained in me. But I don’t think I will feel sadness when she dies. Not like I did with my father who was a true angel on this earth and passed too soon.

Totally understandable OP and you and your DH have absolutely ‘earned ‘ your inheritance so those trying to denigrate you for mentioning it can jog on.
I only wanted to add that it might be an idea for your DH to access some professional support for himself now, before either of them dies, to help him process his relationships with them and bolster his own confidence in how he’s handling them. Clearly he has lots of support from you/your family but as you say, when they do actually go is when any unresolved issues will flare up

Yes I was relieved when my mother in law died.
She expected us to fund her lifestyle, caused a lot of family drama & rifts. She once stopped speaking to me for over a year and refused to see her grandkids too sadly when she started talking to us again it was to late and cancer had took ahold of her. I cared for her in the last few months of her life as it was the right thing to do - but even then she still managed to go out causing family drama.
I’m also glad as it means we no longer have to speak to DHs siblings as they take after her.

That said I’ll be sad when my own parents go; they have caused problems over the years but nothing to the grand scheme my in laws did.

I loved my parents dearly. They were good parents. But they were both suffering with no quality of life at the end. Sometimes it being a relief is because of love not the opposite.

Assume that these in-laws won’t leave your dh a thing or their grandchildren. They sound nasty and uncaring. Do you have power of attorney so that you don’t have to pay for their bills from your pocket? If not do organise this. Organise care for them outside of your home and the in laws can pay for this.

You hit the nail on the head with that first comment - my DF is like that. Nothing makes him happy and he’s just had enough himself.

Sorry to tell you this but people with dementia often die because they no longer feel hungry and they are sedated and allowed to starve to death. I sat with my late husband for three weeks, expecting him to go at any minute, as no-one told me what to expect. It caused me untold stress and I was traumatised afterwards.

Came on to say the same.
My DM was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 59 years old. She had years of suffering. Her death was a relief.
DF also developed dementia in the last few years of his life and was totally unlike the man he was when well. It was tragic.
So yes - a relief.

There are two different issues on this thread.

It’s quite natural to feel relief when someone you love dies if they’ve been suffering from dementia or any other degenerative illness, because you want their struggle (and often, their close family’s) to end.

But it’s not the same as the relief felt by people who’ve suffered themselves at the hands of selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, spiteful parents. That’s ultimately freedom from a lifetime of fear, guilt, obligation and sadness foisted on them by a person who never showed them unconditional love, but expected it with knobs on in return, and who’s usually continued to exert some degree of control over their adult life.

DH and his brother don’t love their mum. They don’t even like her, and had an anxiety-filled childhood in a home they couldn’t wait to leave at 18. They’ve tried many times to reframe the terms of their relationship with her, to actually talk to her about her behaviour and its effect on them, but any attempt to engage with her as equal adults is completely stonewalled. She is by far the most poisonous individual I’ve ever known, and has had a net negative impact on my life and marriage.

When she dies, it’ll be a relief for everyone. My DH has said he feels terrible guilt because he knows he just won’t care, he’ll be properly free of her for the first time in his life. Neither he nor his brother wish to speak at her funeral because there’s really nothing to say. And frankly that’s fine. Why should he feel guilty? She’s been a terrible mother whose influence has damaged the lives, mental health and happiness of both her children.

Fond remembrance is earned during your lifetime. You’re not entitled to be loved or missed. If you shuffle off and nobody gives a shit, that’s on you, not them.

I always had a difficult relationship with my DM. Very different to my 2 DBs. I loved her, but did not feel fairly treated (DBs agree) and despite DM being a feminist, as the girl I was expected to do so much more than the boys.

As dementia progressed my DM lost the social filter that most have and was often nasty/difficult/stubborn. I thought I had said goodbye to DM before she died as bits of her disappeared, but when she did grief hit me badly. I felt guilty for the negative thoughts and was sad I didn’t attribute her bad behaviour more to the disease than her.

A year on my views are more balanced.
I loved DM, but did not like some (a sizeable part) of her character. She was not nice to me and the dementia meant she hid that less.
I’m allowed to love her and not think she always right/good/reasonable.

Be prepared for your DH to be hit by grief despite feeling as he does now. The following year will be a rollercoaster of feelings. It is OK and right that he protects his mental health in the meantime- in fact right that he should.

so to answer your question. I’m glad my DM died, as the dementia was horrendous and also that I don’t have to deal with DM’s nastiness. I miss the DM that I loved. Humans are quite capable of complex and contradictory emotions and it’s completely OK to be so - it’s human.

I will be so relieved if my mother dies before me (she’s so fuelled by hate, she may live forever)

I used to fear this, the nastier they are, the longer they live.

DF has already gone which has turned DM bitter and nasty, so yes inwill
be relived when she goes

When my mother died I felt relief. She was a very difficult individual and I was never a good enough daughter. I never did work out what the rules were. I very nearly went N/C with her 20 years before she died. I think I'm glad that I didn't, as I can look myself in the eye now and say I did my best.

As it happened, she was gifted with enough insight a few weeks before the end to apologise for one fairly spectacular wrong (something huge) she had done to me. We were able to have some pleasant conversations before she died. I was there for her and I'm glad about that.

I didn't and haven't grieved for her. I only missed her once when I was on television recently doing something I was proud of; it was more a 'look Mum, I'm not totally bloody useless' moment.

For comparison, when my Dad died suddenly several decades ago I went through the textbook 'grieving' pattern and still miss him now.

They do sound very selfish. I think your DH attitude is healthy.

I worry endlessly about my mother outliving my dad (and she will) because she’s entirely dependent on him. She won’t even drive herself now, Dad does everything. He had a very serious health scare recently and he sat me down and took me through everything because we both know Mum won’t really be able to manage. She’s not old, not even 60, but she’s never worked consistently and she’s very anxious and to be really rude, she isn’t very bright or driven to work things out for herself… and a lot of the time she isn’t very nice either. I’ll be managing her finances and her home and any medical concerns she may have at that point - right now she is healthy as a horse!

So yeah, if my dad dies first, I’ll then be relieved when my mother dies. And I already feel guilty about it!

When my MIL dies I’ll be absolutely devastated, I love that woman. She’s everything my own mother is not.

Always one contrarian.

Full moon was a few days ago.

I know it’s different but my parents were lovely, healthy and happy but both died in their 60s (cancer). They would be in their late 70s if they had lived. Whilst I am very sad and miss them terribly I have friends with aged parents and it’s not easy to be a carer to children, parents and hold down a job too. So in some ways I am glad they died relatively young. Neither of them would have wanted a slow decline and would have hated the covid years.

My granny went out with a bang at 80. Literally dropped dead. That would be my preference.

No I love my mum and dad