Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@BestIsWest I'm working on the assumption that by the time mum's money has run out she probably won't know where she is so I'm voting for decent place with stimulating activities for now. But I don't have POA and DB who does lives hours away and doesn't deal with the shit. If it was up to me she'd be booked in for a trial stay asap but today she thinks I'm a cruel liar who's trying to force her into a home so I can sell her house and have her money (what does she think will pay her bills?)

Hospice nurses have been back out to give MIL a bedtime shot, second visit today. Mentioned fitting a driver ‘very soon’. It’s good because it removes anyone else’s decisions on meds, but it’s sad. I don’t want to think about her dying. I know she is, but I don’t want her to. I’m going to miss her so very much.

Well, I’m feeling rather odd tonight after a rather chipper phone call with my mum. The carer who went today was very lovely and they got on well but she’s just in the office and won’t be doing any caring. She did a few jobs while she was there. Mum didn’t give her the list of jobs I’ve been doing and asked if she was supposed to 🙄 I specifically rewrote it into a brand new notebook for her so show them and told her what I was doing and why and repeated yesterday to make sure she showed it to the assessor. She’s getting 30 minutes 3 times a day which isn’t much at all and is enough time to make her a drink, make the bed, make cereal, sandwich, ready meal and whip the hoover round and that’s it. It will be interesting to see how that goes in time when jobs aren’t getting done. She’s said she’s going to find a cleaner. I’ve remixed her that one will cost around £20 an hour. She thought I was still doing the gardening. No. Oh. And I’ve reminded her that the last gardener was £25 an hour and for what she wanted doing she needed someone for two hours a week except in the depths of winter. Then there’s hedges and lawns, hanging baskets and bedding plants in early summer plus all the watering. Will cost her a fortune in the summer. She did ask how much I’d still be doing and I said the same as her other daughter. Well that’s not much is it! No shit Sherlock. Amazingly another granddaughter visited her today. All coming out of the woodwork now. They previously didn’t offer any help because I was doing everything. They didn’t even bloody visit let alone help! A handful of times a year, that’s it and they live about 6 miles away. So it’s a case of watch and see but I’ll be interested to see what the assessor tells me tomorrow. They have been commissioned by SS so will only do the basics and I think that is meals only. Not sure about laundry and changing the bed. It’s a king size bed and fighting with the duvet takes me a while although I can do it quick if she doesn’t have a flat sheet on too and the duvet behaves. Mum found the few weeks of carers really lonely without me and didn’t like it. Let’s see what the next couple of weeks bring but I’m actually feeling quite sad about it. I really enjoyed the variety of the work until things got too much and family got abusive.

Oh Socks. I’m so sorry. It’s bloody shit, it really is. It sounds like you got the holy grail of MILs and have had a lovely relationship. I’m glad the nurses are on the ball and will keep her comfortable. I’m still stunned about that carer withholding medication. What religion believes that pain should be endured instead of eased?! Disgusting.

I did find the holy grail @Dormit . My own family are entirely rubbish and at 24 I had this amazing woman take me under her wing. We’ve had (very rare) disagreements but so many good times. My DC have been so very lucky to grow up with SuperGran just next door so they could run across the drive and into her house.

District nurses out at 1am, couldn’t do much. Supposed to be starting counselling or something today (arranged via work’s occ health), but too much going on and I don’t think I can face it, might move the appt.

@SockFluffInTheBath i may have something in my eye reading that. The universe bless all the lovely in-laws who even if our own families are fine, welcome us in and teach us something new about love.

@SockFluffInTheBath I understand that. My late MIL was more of a mum to me than mine ever was

Driver going in this afternoon, no more food or drink. Taking the DC over to talk to her before she slips under.

I’m so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Thinking of you.

A driver is undoubtedly the best thing at this time but it doesn’t take away your pain . I hope you and the dc someone lovely time with her. My dad had one and we all went to see him. He was sleeping mainly but he called out for my mum just before he died. I wish you all peace x

So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath I hope that she will be comfortable and able to have some peace with the driver in place.

I'm so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Such an awfully sad time.

Sending love @SockFluffInTheBath.

Courage, @SockFluffInTheBath .
Thinking of you.

@SockFluffInTheBath I’m so sorry, [flowers)]

Have come to the conclusion that goldenballs (sole POA so effectively has an absolute veto) wants mum to stay out if a home so there's an inheritance. He, needless to say, lives hours away and isn't the one dropping everything to run to every domestic crisis, taking her to appointments etc. from now on I'm only going to do my routine social /pivotell/light bulb checking etc visits and he can feel the heat for anything else. I've had 4 extra trips up this month and spent many hours trying to resolve problems and research/visit care homes. He criticises everything and won't give constructive suggestions so I'm out.

It's the only way, Countrygirl. He has to feel the impact of his own decisions. I wonder how it came about that he is sole POA. Was he the driver behind setting it up, did he deliberately sideline you?

It's the only way, Countrygirl. He has to feel the impact of his own decisions. I wonder how it came about that he is sole POA. Was he the driver behind setting it up, did he deliberately sideline you?

Yes, I wondered how he came to be sole POA too, DB and I have joint and several which means in reality it entirely falls to me (🙄).

But you are right, it is the only way. I tried keeping a diary of the time I was spending but it was too depressing.

I was the driver to get it set up! But he was always mum's favourite and although dad was lovely in many ways, he always deferred to mum. TBH he got hell when he didn't so I can understand why. Definitely coercive control and DB is very likely mum.

Thank you for the gift of this word, @MotherOfCatBoy I’ve been repeating it to myself a lot.

My beautiful, brave, wonderful mother in law died in the small hours. She climbed Snowdon in stilettos, and had a trifle for every occasion.

We were with her last night until late telling stories, smiling and crying in turns, and then got a call at 3am. The family are piling in now, so I’ve come back to have a shower and get out of my pyjamas. Much love to everyone in the cockroach cafe, thank you for the hand holds and the wine.

I'm so very sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Wishing you strength and courage for the days and weeks ahead.

I’m so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath.

@SockFluffInTheBath much love to you and your family. It sounds like her final hours were a comfort to her and to you all. I’m so very sorry for your loss x

So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath