Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

No getting sucked back in here.
I can’t believe that carer still has a job! That’s dreadful. Criminal in fact. I hope your legal advice is helpful @SockFluffInTheBath

Reminds me, I remember one time when I was struggling with my “to do” list for my 87 year old mother, she chimed in brightly “it’s good for you, keeps you on your toes!” I replied rather huffily that I had plenty of my own things to do thank you!

After knocking myself out for 2 years I cut back a lot. Just very basics I fit in at my leisure. What doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done, unless an emergency. We have had a historically v difficult relationship though.

I'm a bad daughter. If it's something that can be bought in like cleaning or gardening I'm not doing it. Hell, I try to do as little cleaning as possible in my own house so I'm certainly not cleaning anyone else's.

Thank you @SockFluffInTheBathI’m fine. What a shame I’d drunk some alcohol so couldn’t go when the demand came! Oh dear.

Sounds like others have had similar conversations in the last few days. Mine genuinely thinks it’s entirely reasonable for me to drop work at any and all moments and run around
after her (5 hour round trip away at least) plus go every weekend because why would I want to spend time with my DH and dc?

Either that or she’s decided I have about ten days in every week rather than seven. I mean, it’s probably possible if I had some kind of teleportation device.

This is what I really don’t get. I don’t clean my own house - don’t have time with job and children, that’s why I pay someone to do it.

WHY would I want or be able to take over cleaning hers?!

Oh hell is it a bank holiday tomorrow? I was all geared up to collect a urine sample from DM and drop it at the surgery. Bugger.

Catching up on this thread and thinking about our parents diminishing selves. Made me think that with dad I find it hard to think what to say to him when alone with him which makes me feel sad and also somewhat guilty. Then I realise it's probably down to two things. One is he's no longer able to really do the things he used to be interested in easily. But also he's lost his ability to be the optimist, glass half full person that was an integral part of his personality. Mum's always been contrastingly pessimistic. (Now though she's slightly more optimistic? )

Also this afternoon I tripped on an internet cable and fell comedically down a small flight of stairs and banged my back/ribs quite nastily. It's ok if I sit still but if I have to get up or move it's an absolute bastard. 😩

I'm feeling very sorry for myself but at least I've got a fabulous vivid bruise to extract maximum sympathy from the family 😉

@tobee I usually find with bruises that they are not dramatic looking but painful or dramatic but in a place I can't really display. Congrats on it being visible, commiserations on it being painful. Be careful in case you've cracked a rib

I'm not going to be able to visit DM next weekend and I already feel guilty. I'm not sure where this guilt is aimed.

At DB I suppose as he will then feel he has to go in. Except that he is the one who has created the rule that DM must be visited every afternoon.

That is terrible @SockFluffInTheBath I hope the advice you get is helpful.

@Dormit, well done for staying strong in the face of the guilt tripping pressures. I think once you reach your limit it is easier to say no.

I don't really have much to say to my Dad either @tobee when I see him, he prefers to talk about the past really, if I try to engage him in any real world issues he shuts down as he can't deal with it cognitively.

Every afternoon?! @GnomeDePlume, wow that is an impossibly high expectation. Don't feel guilty for living your own life.

You don't have to buy into this. DB doesn't get to make rules for you.

Oh yes, no bank holiday weekend can go by without something!

If you find a teleportation device please share a link as that’s the one superpower I think I’d choose.

@SockFluffInTheBath I really hope there is some legal recourse for being stuck with the sadistic live in carer. You could not make that up and the Teflon of everyone you’ve tried to address it with is horrifying.

@tobee I hope it’s not a cracked rib and you feel better soon.

@tobee ouch, I hope you have an ice pack or good pills for that.

FIL and myself tend to talk about common ground, things like my work (engines) and growing tomatoes. It’s quite limited but things like the news and politics are a real flashpoint so strictly off limits.

Head nurse from the hospice made an impromptu visit this morning, and is furious. She’s going to take this on to get MIL sorted. So fingers crossed.

We have reached crisis point with FIL and his Alzheimer’s. Got a call from MIL at 4.30 this morning saying he was agitated and trying to get out the house as he had to go to work. He’s also started saying the neighbours are stealing stuff from him and he’s not safe in the house as people are trying to hurt him. The police and ambulance came out and he has calmed down now. Problem is we live at least 4 hours away so can’t just pop round to check they are okay.

MIL flits between agreeing he needs to go into a home and then but what about the money (not an issue)/what will the neighbours think/ things aren’t that bad.

it’s getting to the point I’m dreading the phone ringing and while DH and I think we should start looking at homes, it’s really up to him and his mum.

That's horrible @Tupperwarelid . It does sound like FIL needs to be somewhere more secure.

You lot are right when you say DB doesn't make rules for me. He is doing the much larger share of the visiting than I am as he visits DM 6/7. IMO this is the endgame of the unhealthy codependent relationship he and DM have.

Before any of this happened DB was visiting DM daily. He was also very controlling of DM, or tried to be. Now DM is beyond his control he tries to control the things around her.

@SockFluffInTheBath you must feel relieved at that. Hope it gets sorted quickly.

@Tupperwarelid it does sound as if he needs a care home. Alzheimer’s is a bastard.

Well we are back down to a single hearing aid out of three pairs. And I had to fix that one while I was there as she’d washed her hair with it in. I’ve searched every drawer, pocket, pot, cupboard and no sign of any of them.
Did more decluttering of upstairs and found my way to a chest of drawers containing more paperwork including the purchase documents of my great grandfather’s house in 1908.

It's heartbreaking.
A similar thing is going on in my extended family - man with dementia, tipping over into terrified and confused violence when his brain fails to recognise even his wife. Went into hospital, then a care home, but his wife has now taken him home. I think how I would feel if it was my dearly loved OH, and I do understand how she might have come to that decision. Even though I can clearly see the problem with it...

I think he should spend at least some respite stays in a care home so if anything happens to her, there's somewhere he can go where they know him.

My grandad had vascular dementia and could get violent at times and would often raise his hand but not actually strike my aunt. Never my mum. It’s so difficult to see our loved ones change.
Mum’s care assessment is today. They are only going in for 30 mins 3 times a day so they won’t be able to cook her a proper meal in that time. Mum won’t be happy about that. I’m getting the semi-silent treatment at the moment. Another grandchild went and cooked her a meal last night. Beans on toast but she was happy with that. She’s managed without me anyway. Not happy about it but managed. I’m now getting the so will I see you at all this week malarkey. The amount of guilt tripping is unreal. I tried to talk to my brother about the possible cognitive decline and he disagreed. He’s seen her three times in 2 years so wouldn’t know. My sister just says mum is very confused. She’s not. Sometimes a little confused on things like medication and recalling details of conversations but I wouldn’t call her confused. It’s more the lack of being able to plan and problem solve anymore although she was never great. Very much a 50s housewife where the husband made all the decisions, paid all the bills and no input was required from the wife. She’s always deferred to the opinions of others unless she feels very strongly. Yet her sister is very domineering and forthright.
I’m going to go out and have a nice day with my children today. Final treats of the summer before school and college.
Ive told my children to put me in a home either in the hills or by the coast.
Wishing strength to all!

Is drinking gin neat straight from the bottle really bad? 10 days ago mum was sobbing that she couldn't cope and wanted me to find a care home. Visit to a lovely care home (with cats, big positive) but she's in total sulk mode because she manages "perfectly fine" despite me having to sort major domestic crises 3 times in the last 4 weeks. And we can only guess how they've happened as there's no obvious cause. And she can't use the phone but won't admit it.

@countrygirl99 maybe tell her you’ve arranged for her to move into the home, but if she doesn’t want to go she just needs to call them (and give her your number so you know if she does it). No judgement here on drinking from the bottle…

@BestIsWest flipping hearing aids again. They should be on a string like children’s’ mittens 😅

@Dormit breathe. You’re wrong because you’re not there. If you were there you would be wrong for something else.

Carer’s agency are saying that withholding meds on religious grounds (carer’s beliefs, no one else’s) is not abuse… SW is back from hols and is not happy. I can’t believe it’s this bloody hard to remove someone who is negligent,

It bloody well is abuse! I’m furious on your behalf @SockFluffInTheBath.

Good job I don't have your problem @SockFluffInTheBath I'd probably end up in jail and be unable to sort out anything.

@SockFluffInTheBath these might help you.

https://www.iasp-pain.org/advocacy/iasp-statements/access-to-pain-management-declaration-of-montreal/

https://www.britishpainsociety.org/static/uploads/resources/files/FPM-Core-Standards-2021.pdf

What's really frustrating me about the care home search is the ones that accept LA rates (and mum is s highly likely to outlive her funds) you wouldn't want to go to unless you were in a really bad way. In many ways mum isn't ready for that sort of care home yet, she needs somewhere she will get some stimulation . But she can't cope with some things and we aren't local. So as long as the weather is ok and nothing goes wrong she manages, not ideally but she gets by on getting crap food at the corner shop . She has a cleaner and carers morning and evening. But the carers don't do personal care, they make sure the door is locked, the milk is put back in the fridge, the freezer is shut and switch on the power to the boiler when it has been switched off. But as soon as something goes wrong/not totally routine (more and more frequently) she tries to fix/sort it herself and gets in a terrible mess and a distressed state and begs me to sort out a care home. And when the weather is wet and she gets out less she gets so lonely. If she'd gone to an assisted living flat right after dad had died I think she'd be coping better but I think we are past that stage now. I was pushing for it but POA was looking into it said her preferred flats wouldn't take someone with a dementia diagnosis which I recently found out isn't true. Suspect they didn't want the hassle of a house sale at the time. The most concerning thing is she never uses her phone but won't admit it so any crises just brew until the carer/cleaner shows up and calls me.

I’m not sure how far off a care home we are with DM @countrygirl99.
She completely lacks organisational capacity - she’s not mobile enough to get to the nearest shop so DB and I do everything (mostly me tbh). We have carers twice a day and the downstairs is generally clean on the surface. I have a blitz now and again. We won’t talk about upstairs - she sleeps downstairs.

But like you, when things go wrong, I get ‘Put me in a home’.

We’d be in a similar position, she could fund herself for a few years, but what then?