Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

As the wonderful meredintofparticulation isn’t around anymore, I’ve taken the liberty of staring a new thread and using her invitation as the old one was about to run out and God knows, we need somewhere to vent. Come in and have a biscuit. Or gin.

Placemarking. Thanks @BestIsWest

How do I get the title changed 😂? I’m a year ahead.

🤣 I think you can ask MNHQA to change it, not sure how though

@mnhq can you change the title to 2025 please?

Let’s see if this works.

Thanks @BestIsWest, I think if you report your post MNHQ will change the title for you 🪳🪳🪳

Ah! Thanks @Choconuttolata, reported.

Hello, this thread was recommended to me on another thread. I’m looking after my physically disabled mum who has a spinal condition that’s worsened in the last few months. I have 2 children at home; the youngest is 10. I’m so tired and stressed. I went away for the weekend for a break and got a missed call from carecall at 5am to say my mum had contacted them due to severe pain. She had a procedure last week and it’s aggravated things. So when I woke up and listened to the voicemail I was worrying about mum and unable to get back to her quickly. Plus I was annoyed that my weekend had been disturbed when they have my sister’s number and I’ve told them that after 10pm it’s no good calling me. I don’t drive and can’t do anything due to having my youngest at home. I’m a single parent. When I joined my mum she was in a right state. She gets herself all worked up and breathless and doesn’t do enough to help herself. She’d decided not to take the morphine because it makes her confused but then ends up calling services at 5am because of pain. I probably sound awful and unsympathetic but I’m so tired. I have my own health issues and my youngest is now unwell and off school. Mum hadn’t even called my sister who is a 20 minute (5 mile) drive away. It takes me 30 minutes to walk (uphill all the way) to my mum’s and I have to take my youngest with me every time if it’s not school hours. My sister gets excused because she’s got health issues too but they don’t stop her working or going on holiday several times a year.
My mum is lovely and I feel so guilty writing this. She just doesn’t help herself very much and then it falls on to me. I’ve told her time and time again that it’s not fair and she promises to do better but doesn’t. There’s no dementia going on and she’s fine when not on morphine. She doesn’t write down when she’s had medication; she’s not been taking the medication for another issue because she forgets; she’s does too much and then makes things worse and needs more help. Every time I go away, which isn’t very often and usually only for one night, sometimes two, she’s more unwell. There’s also the sounding unhappy I’m going away even though she says she’s worried I’m doing too much and need a rest.
I feel constantly exhausted and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and autism along with pre-diabetes.
Today I’ve suggested that carers go in to do her an evening meal. She wasn’t too happy about that. I’ve said I can’t keep going up after school or after dinner. My house is a tip because I’m never in long enough to do anything. On my days off she will still text or call me at least once. There’s no down time.
I actually really enjoy being her carer most of the time and it works around the children usually but just lately I can’t seem to cope with it the same. It seems there’s only me who will do anything to help. My brothers live hours away and have health issues. Not ones that prevent work or holidays or fun stuff, just mum stuff. She won’t call on any friends to help her saying she hasn’t got any but that’s not true. Her sister could help but won’t although she lives an hour away so it’s not that easy. They all rely on me to do everything and I can’t do it all anymore.
I just wanted a good moan and feel better for getting that out.

Based on 11 years experience of 4 elderly parents)ILs.
Firstly are her meds in dosette boxes as that might help her manage. Alternatively look at a pivotell. A pivotell will cope with up to 4 sets a day and will sound an alarm.
Secondly I'm afraid you need to give a bit of tough love. Tell her it's a carer sorting the evening meal or she sorts herself a microwave ready meal.
Thirdly put your phone on do not disturb overnight.

It’s the meds that are liquid that are the problem but when I go later I’m going to put them in medicine cups I got for the purpose and draw the oramorph into four syringes per day. I label them all so there’s no excuse not to take them. I’ve asked that she write down the times she takes pain relief so that I can help her more with the pain and knowing how well the oramorph is working but she doesn’t do it then forgets what time she took it.
A couple of months ago the GP increased her pain patch to 2 pain patches. She got mixed up and stopped taking the higher dose one and just used the new o e meaning she’d decrease it by 75% rather than increase by 25% resulting in more oramorph being needed and more confusion and pain. This meant I was having to go and get her lots more easy meals and I need to get the train there and carry them all back in cool bags. Then she freezes them forgetting they they need to defrost before cooking so she doesn’t have the meal for the night I got it for. Argh!! It’s maddening at times. Off the oramorph she’s fine mentally. She’s not doing the physio exercises as often as she should which is twice a day. It will be one morning a week if she remembers. The physio has told her a lot of her pain is due to muscles not being worked and that she needs to use them. She’s making things so much harder for herself and by extension me and my children.

Have a look at her local authority 'meals at home' service (used to be called meals on wheels) which will deliver a hot meal once a day and can even do a 'packed lunch' either that or do a supermarket online delivery or use one of the online ready meal delivery services, there really is no point in half killing yourself. As the saying on here goes, you have to sort your own oxygen mask out FIRST not last. My parents damn near caused my older sister a mental breakdown with their antics, a year later they are both in care homes due to advanced dementia (mum) and a serious fall (dad)
My dad has had spinal injury issues for 50 years and is an obstinate sod as to what he would accept, what pain relief he'd take, who he decided to trust with filling in forms etc... 9 weeks ago he fell over his own rollator (because he insisted on frequently leaving it over the other side of the room) no dementia etc just sheet obstinate nature, he laid on the floor for 10 hours refusing to press his care alarm. Upshot being, he fractured his hip, which we couldn't have prevented even if he'd decided to contact one of us, ended up developing post operative delirium, can now only eat pureed food and is on end of life. None of this could have been prevented by any of us half killing ourselves. Look after yourself and your 10 year old FIRST. She doesn't like carers, tough, you can't split yourself into multiple pieces, you'll simply make yourself unwell and the inevitable will happen anyway but with the added burden on your little one of mum not being well. Slow down, draw the boundaries, turn the phone off.

@Dormit that sounds really tough but you can’t continue like that. It’s not fair and it will only get worse. Tough love is hard but you will burn out.

Is the oramorph likely to be a long term thing? Is it worth speaking to the GP about your concerns or the pharmacist?

I struggled to get my DM to accept carers and we still have regular arguments about it but after a discharge from hospital Social services stepped in. She now has carers going in twice a day; she doesn’t like it and doesn’t engage with them very well yet but it’s a huge relief to me.
They became concerned about her mixing up her medication after she took a double dose and they have taken over administering the medication completely which is a massive relief. Maybe this is something to think about longer term. It’s hard to get them to accept they need care but if it’s only you then there may be no other option.

We had a wonderful weekend for DD2' s wedding so it was awful to get back to MILs misery and complaining. Her weekend was terrible, she was on her own, the carers who came in didnt know what they are doing, she was just sat there waiting for us to come back etc etc. She was completely uninterested in hearing about the wedding and just wanted to talk about something that had been on the TV. I may have been a bit short with her!

How annoying @Morenicecardigans. Congratulations to your DD2. Glad you had a lovely time.

It’s amazing how self obsessed they can be. During the early days of the pandemic DD was admitted to hospital with Covid. I was frantic as there was no visiting and she’d recently been diagnosed with asthma. All DM wanted to talk about was her recycling bin going missing. Who would do something like that to her? I admit I completely lost it with her.

Ah yes, the 'joys' when they focus only on themselves... my mum is vicious to my sister and always has been, dementia has made it worse. Glad you were able to have a beautiful wedding regardless. Stick your fingers in your ears and shout LALALALA

Thanks Best. Shame we've lost Meredint.

Thanks so much for the new thread @BestIsWest - I was getting anxious about the old one finishing, but felt like too much of a newbie to start another -perhaps I am an overthinker...

Great to hear that your DD's wedding went well @Morenicecardigans - and sorry to hear that your MIL has dampened your spirits. I find the misery difficult to deal with too. I want to help them feel better, but as I can't turn the clock back 10 years, nothing I do is sufficient. I fear I was unkind to DM this morning. I went round to help dad shower/dress, as usual, and they were just finishing their breakfast, so I sat down and had a bit of a chat with them. DD was talking about something, and DM interrupted him saying 'Come on now - it's getting late!' She does this every time. She is very irritated with how slow he is with everything (he's 89!) and how long things take. She also tells him to hurry up on my behalf, because 'NDornotND doesn't have all day'. I find this rude tbh. So today I replied, 'Why, do you have to be somewhere'. She says, 'No, but I have things to do!' and I said, 'So do them then'. Honestly, I know that wasn't very nice of me, but we can't have a conversation without being chivied. I had been there less than 10 minutes! She was upset. Now I feel guilty (as usual).

Anyway, rant over and thanks so much again for the thread!

Hi 👋
I am a carer for my mum
She's 79 but has many, many health problems
My youngest dd has just done gcses and has had mh issues this year and my older dd is coming to the end of a postgraduate she has hated
Dh works awaya lot
I've actually started ADs as I've felt so low lately
It's just stress after stress
My siblings are useless (very common, I know) and my brother is the GC
I feel like running away 😔

Thank you @BestIsWest for carrying the torch!

@Dormit look at Parsley Box meals. They don't need freezing (god knows what's in them but needs must). No need to worry about defrosting.

Welcome @Whoooo I know the feeling very well. It’s hard.

@BestIsWest
It is hard. Since the death of my father over a decade ago mums health has deteriorated a lot
But all her sisters have lived to late 80s/early 90s despite very serious health problems. I've probably got another decade of this.
Older dd has had an awful experience on her postgrad course and its made me really stressed, too.
Younger dds mh is a constant worry.
I told dh last night he's got to step up.
I dread older dd walking through the door most days...shes so unhappy and tired but cant/wont alter her mindset.
I'm usually quite an optimistic person but atm I'm dragging myself through the days :(

Congratulations to your dd2 on her wedding @Morenicecardigans and my commiserations with the MIL attitude. Sounds as if her staying at home was the right decision though, I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like if she had attended the wedding!
Been to see my DM this weekend. Complained that I did not bring enough food for her lunch, but there's such a long list of things that she doesn't like that makes bringing any food a difficult task (and that's not including transporting it on a 2 hour car journey in 30 degree heat!)
There was still enough to eat for her to declare that she had had a really large meal and wouldn't need to eat anything else for the rest of the day.
Offers of regular online food shopping have been turned down (again), this would be the best solution as far as DH and I are concerned.
More emotional blackmail about the importance of "family" and not liking living on her own , doesn't like coming back to an empty house when she goes out etc. etc. The difference this time is that she said these things in front of DH, usually these rants are reserved for me only!
There is also a decision that mum and I need to make on a joint asset. I thought that she had made up her mind, but is now covering the same ground again.

@catndogslife I recognise the one about not liking coming back to an empty house but given she lives an hour from any of us, isn't prepared to move elsewhere, didn't want to move to a flat in sheltered housing where her friends live when she could there's not a lot to be done.

DM lives 80 miles away, but because she lives in a very rural area, it takes 2 hours to get there (and that's with a quiet day on the roads).