Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

It’s our pride and joy. I’ve worked so hard to get it looking good for Mum and everybody says how lovely it is. Because she’s not getting out, the ability to enjoy the garden is important. Looking at the care notes I’m not very happy as she’s not taking her medication when they are there saying she’ll take it later. The whole point is to make sure she’s taking it regularly. I’ve emailed them about it. I’m feeling really stressed still!

any ideas where I could go next weekend by train from the Manchester area to get away properly? Two hours or three on the train is the max. Seaside preferably I think. I might go back to Llandudno to properly enjoy it this time without the driving rain and knowing mum is waiting for the GP, multiple calls and worrying all the time. Reclaim my birthday weekend.

I was going to say Llandudno. Lovely walk from West Shore along to Conny (though you might already know that). Maybe a sea swim at West Shore if that's your thing.

Hmm 'the plan' .. I sat in the hospital for 5 hours today only to discover they'd rung my sister to tell her they plan to discharge back to the nursing home today. They've 'discovered' his RESPECT form which clearly states no treatment. They 'discovered' it after my niece waved it in their faces as they'd started antibiotics.. whats the point of having a respect form if they can't even find it when it matters?
Unfortunately the hospital really does give substandard care.. they 'didn't know' that hes on a pureed diet and then a nurse left his food on the tray and walked away. He has to be fed. I get they are very busy but still...

That’s really quite rubbish @Lightuptheroom . My experience is that most weekend staffing leaves a lot to be desired, but those things should be writ large in his notes.

My mum is on her way to hospital. Her pain is not managed and she’s had some red flags for cauda equina that she didn’t want to mention 🤬 she’s only said tonight and this happened yesterday. They need to get on top of her pain because it’s terrible. She’ll be going on her own in an ambulance because my sibling can’t come up. I’m a single parent and my youngest 10 so I can’t leave him to go. It’s so frustrating and even with the carers having been in I was still doing loads admin wise while they settled in to looking after her. Not sure if it is more trouble than it’s worth. Then I keep think, what if she goes downhill and dies? She’s actually pretty healthy other than this condition that causes pain. Fully independent if not for the pain. It’s shit.

Oh @Lightuptheroom and @dormit what appalling weekends. That’s a bingo card of terrible care lightup. And head in hands at the leaving your mum to take her meds ‘later’ dormit. I lasted about 4 weeks doing care work but there are basics.

The Dr on 111 said mum was to go to hospital and sent an ambulance. The ambulance got there and said they’d take her but no point because she’d be stuck on a trolley and A&E drs wouldn’t interfere with her pain management so she decided to stay at home seeing as the pain was better. I’ll see what the GP says today. I’ve had 4 hours sleep and feel pretty ropey this morning. Again last night’s bedtime call said they’d left the morphine for her to take once they’d gone. They’ve said they understandably have to be strict about the morphine but then in practice they just leave it for her to take once they have gone. They aren’t allowed to make a hot water bottle with the kettle but this is the most effective pain relief for her. Sorry for the poor punctuation, I’m too tired. I have sent/responded to 24 emails in the last week with this care company. It’s made me realise all the more what I do without thinking for my mum. Also not impressed that the weather forecast was rain all night and the washing was left out! They are supposed to bring it in if it’s out. I have no idea if I’ll get away next weekend. My sister just turns her phone on silent at night so can’t be contacted in emergencies which isn’t helpful. My phone is also on silent once I go to bed but I can’t go to mum in the night unless I take the dc with me. My sister’s children are all in their late 20s/early 30s and the two local ones have cars. It is as though mum is not anyone’s problem except mine.
let’s see what my day off today brings! Ffs

My next of kin relative who's in a care home said she couldn't find any of the clothes I bought for her 6 months ago - loads of M&S stuff. I collected her yesterday and once again she was wearing shabby, ill-fitting things that aren't hers. I spent 2 hours last night pulling everything out of her wardrobe and drawers and filled 4 bin bags with clothes that aren't hers but are labelled with her room number. All of her own clothes were found under piles of other stuff. The bin bags are going to the clothes bank because if I give them back to the home, they'll end up back in her room. The care home is very good in every other way, it's just the laundry that's chaotic.

My Mum has been there for respite weeks and managed to accrue extra clothes too (I left those there). It's because their system labels clothes with room numbers so if someone dies/leaves, their clothes remain linked to their room number. I've put name labels in my relative's and Mum's clothes so at least they do get returned to them.

@ShetlandsI know someone who had the same issue. She named all her patents clothes and yet they were wearing tatty ill-fitting clothes. Such an indignity.

I’m feeling pretty angry this morning. Four hours sleep isn’t helping. The care notes this morning say mum didn’t want breakfast so they left some snacks which should be there all the time anyway. They are supposed to encourage her to eat. The notes say no time to do anything but all they did was make a cup of tea and give her medication. That’s a 10 minute task being very generous. I’m waiting for the manager to respond to my emails. I’m also pissed off because Llandudno premier inn has no rooms available now but I doubt I’d be able to go anyway.

@dormit hang in there. We always have teething troubles when there’s a new care agency on the scene. Give their management a list of the misses, be firm and annoyed but polite.

@Dormit I agree with Sockfluff. You need to be the squeaky wheel that gets oiled

It’s pathetic dormit.

I do agree that there will be teething problems I suppose. It is so hard when the situation gets much worse when you finally can’t continue and get carers in.

I accept teething problems. I think I overestimated the restfullness of this time “off” and might need to manage my expectations. I’ve spoken to the office and got some excuses but promises of telling the carers to do what they are employed to do. Hopefully things will improve now. Still waiting for the manager who might be better at addressing things.

I think the difficulty is that, like @PermanentTemporary says, you’ve called them in because you’re at the end of your rope, but they need time to get to know your DM and her ways. I’m not minimising the stress you’re under, we’ve been there and it’s so far from ok it’s not funny. If today’s carers are rubbish then give the office both barrels tomorrow, say you’re raising a safeguarding complaint, and that should wake them up.

Tears and tantrums from mum this evening. Now home with a large glass of wine and thinking stuff it.

Hope you’re ok @countrygirl99

I am joining you in wine tonight. Dentist berated me this afternoon for not using the electric toothbrush- frequently flat as it’s no one else’s job to charge it, and you pick your battles don’t you? I just need to be more organised, it’s not actually difficult. Apparently. Cried all the way home, had a mini breakdown, mentally smacked myself for being weak, and poured the wine. Solidarité 🍷

It's not been the best of days. DHs nephews had surgery to remove a brain tumour today and is in a bad way. Then this evening mum was in complete denial about her condition, can't remember seeing the GP last week let alone that the GP is recommending that she goes into a care home. She even denies having a cleaner even though she was there for 3 hours today. Told me I'm a liar because I said she didn't answer the phone when I tried to let her know I was coming because there's nothing wrong with her hearing and she always answers the phone when in reality it's probably one time in ten which means I always drive for an hour hoping she's just not heard it but worrying this is the time I find her on the floor.

I’m sorry for the nephew, I hope he will pull through. Sounds hard enough on its own without your DM being a handful. Have you got your eye on a care home, or is finding one on the list?

[Wine] all round

Sounds so impossible @countrygirl99 . I’m not really able to imagine how the move to a home is going to pan out when she’s in such denial.

A couple of years ago mum went through a "I'm lonely I want to be in a home and looked after" phase and DB2 and I looked at a few and found one we thought would really suit (and a few that were ghastly). There's another one we didn't get round to seeing before mum dropped that that's also worth a visit. I will probably go by myself as wild animals couldn't get mum in a visit at the moment and I might as well check it out ready.

@PermanentTemporary I think it's wait for the crisis and react then.

This is what it feels like all the time. Waiting for the next crisis and unable to prevent it. 😣

The phone thing is a real nightmare. I'm the nearest and an hour away but we can't phone her up to check she's ok/ remind her about stuff/ let her know if we've arranged anything as she rarely answers the phone. The other morning I had a carer on the phone querying an appointment mum had and was asking him where it was that I didn't know about. Found out what it was and tried to phone mum to let her know 15 minutes later and she didn't pick up. Of course the carer had left by then. Appointment was at 9 so even if I had driven there it would have been too late. Luckily it was a home visit.

@countrygirl99 I don’t know if it would help in your situation but one thing I’ve done is put an Alexa echo in DMs which is linked to my own. It allows me to ‘drop in’ on DM. So if she leaves the phone off the hook I can speak to her through the Alexa. I also use it to set up reminders for her.

I’ve put it in a place that she can’t easily reach otherwise it would be tidied away in a cupboard or drawer.

Unfortunately mum has a habit of unplugging and putting things in a cupboard if she doesn't recognise them and doesn't remember what they are. E.g. I arranged for social services to supply a flashing light thingy for the phone, in a cupboard within 48 hours, and I have no doubt that is exactly where and Alexa would end up as well. She can't even recognise the new louder phone we bought after that as a phone hence unplugging and plugging back the phone she doesn't hear. I took the old phone away last night and plugged both of the new handsets in so we'll see what happens now.