Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Thank you for the wise words, @Lightuptheroom and @thesandwich. I think my scenario planning is an attempt to be in control of a situation which I obviously have no control over. But the possible scenarios are infinite so I will quickly send myself mad trying to do that so I won't.

Sorry you are going through hard times too @KatharineClimpson. It's good that your mum is safe and cared for, and I also agree with your sister that she needs to give it a bit longer to settle in, she's only been there a few days if I read your post correctly.

@Dormit oh blimey. Has your Mum had a care needs assessment from adult SS, does she get Attendance Allowance? As it seems very much as though she does need help to take her meds properly (among other things).

So FIL has only been home (which he was safe to do if he took care) for ten days and has already tripped in the garden going to the dustbin (which could have waited for BIL who lives with him to do) and today walked to the town centre and had "a turn" so ambulance had to be called. FFS, who'd have thought that not drinking enough and walking in the heat would do that to an unsteady, partially sighted old person! He has now at least agreed to a fall alarm. Though whether he'll wear it is anyone's guess. I despair.

First hello on the new thread.

MIL fell yesterday morning, hit her face, had to be taken to a&e. CT scan showed nothing broken, no brain bleed, but the blood tests found leukaemia. It’s a chronic type (CLL) but her white cell count is already 500. We have to fetch FIL into the hospital tomorrow to agree to start treatment. I’m just so sad. I know it’s not an instant end, but my poor sweet darling MIL already has Alzheimer’s, and now this too.

@SockFluffInTheBath I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shock.

Oh goodness @SockFluffInTheBath poor MIL, I hope getting FIL there to agree isn't to difficult today.

@Mumbles12 hopefully having had a little scare FIL might wear the falls pendant. Since my DF had a scare after he spent 7 hours on the floor overnight he keeps his on religiously and even holds it for comfort.

@KatharineClimpson and @SockFluffInTheBath that sounds so difficult, I’m sorry.

Mum has been better through the week but came here yesterday for a family thing and didn’t bring her morphine either her (that’s drawn up in syringes ready to go) so what in a bad way trying to stand and walk. Got her home in a taxi, gave her morphine, made her dinner, cleaned and tidied the kitchen, bins emptied and ran the hoover round. Did some admin things that needed doing online and left all her morphine drawn up for the next 2 days clearly labelled including this mornings dose on her bedside table with the instruction to take it as soon as she woke up. I’ve just got in from walking Ds to school (an hours walk there and back) and she phones me all breathless asking if I can go up today. She told me yesterday not to come up because her friend is coming. I’m really tired today and struggled to get up and am looking forward to a day at home after having Ds off sick all week. I told her no and feel really guilty. I’m annoyed though because she says she can hardly walk but she’s not even taken her painkillers! There’s nothing I can do for her except keep her company so there’s no need for me to go up really. Not when her friend will be there in a couple of hours. She needs more friends really.

Sorry for the typos! I’ve got the GP to go and see her later because her pain isn’t controlled well at all.

@Mumbles12 You know your Dad may surprise you with the pendant. When my Mum fell and fractured her hip in Feb, she had no pendant as she had refused one " They are for old people Katharine, stop being so ridiculous."

She then came home for nearly a week in March, I got the pendant and told her wearing it was a condition of her coming home, she grumbled told me I was ridiculous again, but she wore it.......and when she twisted awkwardly in bed and dislocated her hip, she actually pressed it and I was able to go over swiftly assess her and get out the paramedics. Sadly it didn't save her from hurting herself, but on the other hand the first time she fell she was on the floor alone for 24 hours before being found and added concussion and dehydration to her list of injuries😥, this time she had me and medical support extremely quickly.

@Dormit your Mum has a friend coming in a couple of hours that is going to distract her and you have got the GP coming to see her later, social interaction and medical boxes are ticked, that's good going, I bet you desperately need a day to yourself, please take it, you're important as well!

Thinking of you @SockFluffInTheBath Your post is a reminder about how quickly things can change for our "elderlies".

Hi all, somehow missed the last thread ending.

All much of a muchness at this end. Helpfully Urology have booked DF yet another “telephone appointment” despite being told he’s blind and pretty deaf and missed the last call because they set the appointment for 12pm and didn’t actually call till 2.30pm 😤

He’s struggling in the heat and DM said he’s been getting pretty confused. On the positive side he’s finally got an appointment through to see neurology in 2 weeks to assess his shunt and see if it is fluid build up that is causing the confusion/memory issues.

A day off is never a day off. I’ve said if I go away again then mum will have to have a carer go in and check on her. She says that’s ok. Nobody else in the family bothers to keep in touch very often and I’m sick of hearing how my sister is ill so she doesn’t want to ask her. Sister was too ill to ask on Sunday when she was in crisis but well enough to travel hours up to Scotland for a few days. Boils my piss. Brothers are useless. One comes to visit once a year. Everybody has got health issues or problems but they all get to go away for a week or two worry free. I’m fed up of Dormit is mum’s carer so Dormit will do it all. Everybody seems to think I’m on call 24/7 and that I’m the support human for all things. SS have said that mum can attend to her personal hygiene so she doesn’t need carers. I’ve tried explaining to my mum that she’d get a 30 minute call a day from carers and be charged £30 for that half an hour. It would be a choice of going a task or chatting. THere’s not time for both. Even on my days off I get phone calls asking to do something. I’ve been off today and had 3 phone calls and a text message. Spoken to the GP. Been to the pharmacist and sorted out the online pharmacy thing to redirect to the physical
pharmacy so that I can take it to her tomorrow. Im so tired today and trying to talk to her about contacting other people is met with reasons why she can’t or they won’t help. Shes very defensive and all oh I’ll have to manage or why is it up to me to contact people? Because you’re quite capable and rely on me far too much to provide you with company! I’ve become the parent and I hate that as much as she does but she really does need to help herself more.
And breathe.

For the past six months DH and I have been sorting out FILs house which is 250 miles away from where we live. We've made 5 trips one with a van to get furniture for MILs flat and the others to clear out the vast amount of stuff in the cupboards and loft and to clean and tidy and get the house ready to sell. DH told BIL months ago to go up and see if there was anything he wanted. The house is now under offer and we are up here again with paperwork for the solicitor and to look for all the things in the property information form that we don't know the answer to.

BIL has now said he'll pop up next week and see if there are any keepsakes he wants. I don't know what he thinks is still left in the house. He's just being his usual completely unhelpful self.

Hello I did check in to the last thread but I really need some advice. My husband's mother and I have never got on. As she is from a 'posh' family and I'm not, I'm not allowed to call her by her first name. She's never lifted a finger to help me or the children - she's never even watched them for half an hour whilst I shower. She's also a hoarder and I have never been allowed in her house, even when I was pregnant and desperate for a wee. Anyway she came to visit us for 2 days after Christmas, and my husband immediately correctly identified that she was very ill and took her to hospital (she lives alone and had been too stubborn to seek medical attention). Turns out she has cancer. Basically she has been living with us since after Christmas. I sais this couldn't happen but it happened anyway. We have no spare room. She has our bedroom and I'm on the bottom bunk of my son's bed and my husband is on the sofa. She treats me like a servant- she never says please or thank you, she expects us to ferry her to all her weekly blood tests and chemo - we both work full time. She gets angry if we don't take her tea in the morning. She gives me orders not requests. In addition she is unpleasant to the kids and is scaring them. My husband will not consider speaking to her about the situation. The other day she left excrement on our new bedroom carpet (we only moved in late November) and didn't even bother to tell me. I've engaged someone to come and clean it, and I asked my husband to tell her that if this happens she needs to tell us. The upshot of that was that he says we will not be talking to MIL about her attitude or behaviour, that she is more important than me or the children, and that I'd better get used to the fact that life isn't fair. Is he allowed to move someone into our jointly owned home without my consent? We are in England. Sorry that was a massive rant, I've been holding it in for a while!

Not only do you have a mil problem , you also have a dh problem . He sounds awful and whilst I get he wants to look after his mother , to put her first above you and his children is intolerable .
I get her house is probably a tip , but can he move her back there and stay with her ?If

In the meantime , how about contacting citizens advice or even a solicitor to see where you stand legally about your unwanted guest and whilst you thinking about it , look up divorce help also .

Omg Stats. That is so extreme.

Obviously I don’t know what kind of cancer she has but see if you can talk to the clinical nurse specialist in the team about this social situation and its imminent breakdown - because tbh I think you should walk out, possibly with the kids. I’d be quite tempted to go and take over her house without asking. Has anyone asked, delicately or otherwise, what her prognosis is - weeks? Months? Years?

I come from really quite a posh family with some tricky characters but nothing like this. There can certainly be some assumptions about the availability of resources that only exist in rich families.

We live in the southeast, and she lives in Cambridgeshire. My young kids go to school here and I work here so moving into her house is not an option for us, in addition to the fact that none of the bathrooms or appliances work. I'm going to stay in a local hotel next week with the kids, but I can't afford to do that for more than a week or so, especially as my husband is by far the main breadwinner and is unlikely to support me in this. He thinks this is my wifely duty and has made that very clear.

For context we are British, although my husband's father (not his mother) was from another culture where I think looking after your elders at all cost was the norm - but he died several years ago. It's possible my husband has absorbed this expectation from his father whilst he was alive.

Ok, her house not an option for you. Glad to hear you are getting out for a break, though the rest will be limited of course, trying to actually live in hotels is miserable.

I certainly can’t see an easy solution while your husband has simply abandoned you in favour of his mother, with her active and high handed collaboration. I can’t get over that she is in your bed, though I’ve seen it in another family and been equally shocked there.

I still think at least flagging up where things are to the clinical nurse specialist might be worthwhile. It’s so obvious that she has nursing needs and should be in a nursing home.

I would phone adult social care and the specialist nurse and explain the situation. She needs to be repatriated back to Cambridgeshire for her medical care and adult social care need to sort out the situation re: her home if it is unsafe for her to be there due to hoarding. It is an untenable situation for your and your kids and it is harming your children's emotional wellbeing.

If your DH tries to kick you out in favour of her then go to your local authority housing office.

Before you do this collect evidence of his income, accounts, make sure you have all your documents, copies of his financial information, information about the mortgage (is your name on this, or the deeds?) and your and the kids passports safely stored somewhere out of the home. Seek some advice from Women's Aid because this is a form of emotional abuse towards you and the children. The relationships board will be very helpful to post on to get advice on how to get your ducks in a row. I would also seek some free legal advice re: divorce. If your name is not on the property and you do not have any rights to stay in it, you will be entitled to universal credit to cover your rent and living expenses if you move out. If it is then a solicitor can advise about what you would be entitled to in any settlement and any legal orders you can get to stay in the home.

If your husband continues to put his mother above his own children and you as his wife then you will be better off without him.

I’ve emailed a care agency today to see if they can come in one day a week and also to do meals daily. No matter what I’m putting in place to help mum isn’t taking advantage of it and I could scream. The breakfast I left her for yesterday she didn’t eat. The meal for today that she said she didn’t want yesterday was eaten yesterday. No idea of what’s in the fridge. So much food getting thrown away.

@Dormit definitely look at Parsley Box meals. They are stored at ambient temperature so none of this remembering to defrost or throwing away something defrosted because they've changed their mind about what they want.

@countrygirl99ill have a look now, thank you. She’s very fussy though. Basically a meat, potato and veg person or fish.

Ive ordered her a parsley box catalogue. Thank you.