Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Dormit every little bit helps. We're into year 12 so got a whole wardrobe of the t-shirts.

Thank you so much for all the advice. I agree it is a DH problem as well as a Mil one. I am on the deeds and mortgage. I'll collect all the documents and try and talk to him one more time...

I suspect that he may have made a promise to his dad (while he was alive) to look after his mother.
Just a thought. Would it be possible for your DH to organise contractors to go to his DMs house and sort out the bathroom and appliances? That would reduce the barriers to her going home.
Is there some other way to organise the bedrooms so that one person does not take up the bedroom space intended for 2 people?

@Statsinyoureyes that sounds awful. I second the advice to get social services involved.

My stepdad passed away on Friday. I am thankful that his end of life care was a matter of days rather than weeks. It's a weird mix of feeling sad and relieved at the same time.

Promised myself I would join in the cafe next time a new thread started so saying 👋 and saving this thread. Life is currently a game of whack-a-mole just bashing the head of one crisis to the next with several elderly relatives. Bung in kids, work and normal life and I am exhausted.

Joining for tea and biscuits. If I start on wine or gin, I may not stop!

Whackamole is right @Thingamebobwotsit

@Hedonism sorry for your loss.
And yes @Thingamebobwotsit it is whack-a-mole with intransigent moles.

@Hedonism

I promised my dad on his death bed that I’d look after my mum. My sister also promised but she’s busy with her holidays and grown up kids having left home, husband and two cars making it much harder to help. Meanwhile I have 3 ND kids, am ND myself, don’t drive and it takes me an hour to walk to and from my mum’s in all weathers. Yesterday afternoon I spent 5 hours getting there and back, shopping, mowing the lawns, watering the garden (front and back), emptying bins, washing up, laundry, hoovering, medicine prep, meal prep etc then got moaned at that I hadn’t sat down to chat 😩 Meanwhile my Dd is asking when I’ll be home as it’s dinner time and she’s missing me. Mum couldn’t afford to pay someone to do all that. I spent a solid 2 hours in the garden if not more. A gardener is about £25/hour. Carer about the same. So that’s £125 she’d have been charged for what I did yesterday and that’s a typical day of about 5 hours. Then there’s the stuff I do at home like online shopping, admin type stuff, the emotional support phone calls. She’s giving me £250 a month and I get carer’s element of UC and it works out at £3 ish an hour. It’s no wonder I sometimes feel resentful. I keep meaning to add up exactly how many hours I do. She often says she doesn’t feel she should be getting attendance allowance but that’s what she pays me out of.

Hugs to all. I don’t know how we all keep going at times.

It's about time I joined this illustrious group!

I've just been 'diagnosed' by my local carer's support group as having 'carer exhaustion', which is pretty accurate. I'm early 70s and care full time for my Mum (90s) in my home, where she's lived for the last 10 years since I retired. Currently being assessed for Mum's transfer to a care home but she didn't have her own property to sell so it will have to be SS funded. I'm on tenterhooks waiting for the outcome as they've already said Mum isn't high needs because she can shuffle about with a frame, feed herself (not get her own food & drinks) and communicate her needs. However, she can't dress/undress herself, manage her meds, shower herself, do any life admin etc. She can't be left alone because she's doddery and certainly couldn't be left at night as she gets up for a wee several times.

Anyway, I've ordered a pot of tea and a cheese scone at this lovely café - love the decor here!

Me again. My dearest sister 🙄 has told mum she needs to get carers in. That will be for me to organise of course. I feel like getting them in for a week or two and taking that time off and just visiting once a week like she does. Get a gardener to do the weeding and mow the lawn. A cleaner to clean once a week but the carer needs to hoover daily. I’ve never known a house get so many crumbs! She needs someone in the morning because she’s struggling yet she declined my offer of putting the travel kettle by her bed with cappuccino sachets so no milk or sugar required. I made a goal of tea the other day and she didn’t drink it. Didn’t eat the freshly baked bread I’d sliced for toast. Doesn’t do her exercises from
the private physio, doesn’t do what she needs to do to reduce pain prior to making a meal. All I get is this woe is me breathless behaviour that’s driving me mad. I know she’s in a lot of pain and I know it’s horrible for her but she’s needs to help herself too. She won’t like carers going in because she varies what time she gets up. Sometimes it’s 8am, sometimes like today it’s 10.30am. How is a carer supposed to plan for that? Dinner is easier as they usually 5-6pm. She’d have less pain if she did her exercises and timed the pain relief an hour before making meals. The gardeners she’s had have never done enough in the time they have and it’s costing a fortune.
Today is my day off. I’ve already had a 10 minute frustrating phone call asking if Dd can go up when I’d already messaged to say she’d be up today and it was organised yesterday anyway. I could cry today. I’m not going tomorrow either because I’ve got workmen coming and Ds has an after school activity so I don’t get home until 6pm at the earliest and I’m not going up at that time. Ds is missing sleep due to being out late with me at my mum’s. Ok in the holidays but not ok on school nights. Tomorrow won’t be a day off either because I’ll need to do something along with organising the carer. I don’t think she realises how exhausting it is as a single parent.

Why can't your sister organise the carer?

You can’t go on like this. I’m sorry to say it but your promise to your dad on his deathbed means nothing compared to the needs of your own children. You are irreplaceable to them and them only.

What are the financial options? Is she renting or could she sell the house and downsize?

My sister won’t do anything. Too busy because she “works” aka gets paid a decent wage and has days off. She’s just freed up some money with equity release so she can pay for care. She will hate it but I do think that a week of carers compared to a week of me might make her rethink. She has mentioned about paying me more but I always feel bad taking money. I know, I know. Her home has been adapted for her physical needs so there’s no need to move. She really needs a hobby and friends who she’s prepared to contact for company. I suggest if she’s feeling lonely or a bit fed up to phone one of the three lovely neighbours she has to see if they’ll come over for a cup of tea. I don’t understand why she can’t think of these things herself. There’s no cognitive decline, just gets muddled with the morphine at times but it’s rare that she needs morphine outside of these flair ups. I’m exhausted doing all the thinking. I’m running two households and feel like I’ve an extra child to look after. I get told off for treating her like a child but she really does act like one at times. It’s also very sad seeing your parent decline like this and the emotional toll of that is quite something at times.

The more practical stuff that gets outsourced, the more your visits will be social and help with the loneliness.

@Dormit
I feel like getting them in for a week or two and taking that time off and just visiting once a week like she does.

this is exactly what you need to do, but permanently not just for a couple of weeks. From another further down the line, you need to let go of what the bone idle sister should do, what her fair share is- that injustice just becomes something else you wrestle with. Sort the carers and step back. You should prioritise DC and yourself.

Counting to 10. No, make that 100. Good job golden balls is a few hours away or I might punch his smarmy, smug gob.

Oh no @countrygirl99 they do make it harder than it needs to be…

My golden BIL’s life was momentarily hanging in the balance earlier, but he said to FIL he thinks it’s ok for FIL to temporarily privately fund care for MIL while she’s in hospital, so he lives to breathe another day.

My brother is saying mum needs to go in a care home if she’s not doing as she’s told by the Dr. He’s going to come up and see her soon to talk to her. I’ve arranged a call with the GP today to discuss the situation with mum and they rang her instead 🙄 So mum won’t have told the GP what things are actually like or that she’s not reliable with her medication. Brother sounded annoyed that things were like they are and agrees mum needs to help herself. I’ve been on to the GP again and am hoping they will still call me today. We are now looking at 4 calls a day to make sure she takes her medication. I’m waiting for the care agency manager to call me. So agsin my day off is not a day off!

Could someone make me a nice mug of tea please.

Lovely FiL recently died and the past three weeks have been finding out how deep and dark Lovely MiLs dementia really is. The day of FiL funeral she started off by thinking she was at a wedding followed by announcing it was the best party ever and by the evening in hospital off with the fairies.
Managed to prevent her discharge to her own home on her own on Saturday by using the phrase ‘unsafe discharge’ but she is now ranting that she is a prisoner, held against her will and demanding to go home now…..all whilst nurses etc all say she is not safe to be on her own.
DH is beside himself at how bad she is and lovely SiL has cracked from the strain of trying to keep her safe for the past few weeks. I have cracked from DH having to run round almost every night in the small hours as she sundowns and all in all it’s been horrible.

She is currently being an absolute black depressed soul who makes little communication sense so I think her dementia has taken one hell of a step down. waiting for the assessment teams to rule if she has now lost all capacity and suggest what her care needs are going forward. I am hoping they say dementia specific nursing home as Even DH does not recognise the person who looks a little like his mum.

(Maybe make that a latte cos I do not drink alchohol.)

Anyone have any pearls of wisdom from being at the assessment point to ensure her best interests are meet without lovely SiL and DH ending up carrying the can completely?

@triballeader This is what I always say… but talk to the occupational therapists. They are experts in the abilities required to live an independent life, and in cognition. Most OTs are fantastic (obviously you will sometimes meet one who isn’t great and a few who are overwhelmed). Express your worries to them and ask about their view of the situation. 8am to 830 is often a good time to catch them, at least to make an appointment.

@triballeader the aftermath of bereavement is horrific with dementia. Both the dislocation and the loss of the masking process. My mum kept thinking the hospital had only just phoned and she needed to tell everyone. Once it was less than 20 minutes after I'd spent all afternoon with her helping her make the music choices for the funeral.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary and @countrygirl99. The first assessment team at the hospital have now secured her a bed in a dementia specific emergency assessment unit for the next two to three weeks. It is miles away and lovely SiL is travelling there with her in an ambulance. DH will go and collect her later. TBH I am anticipating a continued down trend in her condition.
Eldest DD (specialist nurse) has said even from her experience her Gran is now totally off the planet and she is not expecting she will ever go home. Once we know exact care needs we can look for a bed (self funding due to FiL and MiL s assets)

Once the staff have her more settled SiL plans to book herself a couple of days serious R&R and I plan to take DH away for a week as it’s been a horrible three months of FiL being ill then Mil on top. DD knows the unit as it’s near the hospital she works and can pop in occasionally to check with staff how she is whilst we take some much needed down time.

So my latest is I have been awarded Deputyship today. For finances and property for the most frail in my life. This is after years of trying and failing to get LPA set up. I had been told it would take 9 months due to the backlog across the Courts. Took less than 3. Am not ready for this. Had planned the summer to get my head into gear for a job I don't really want to do, but feel I must. It will be a nightmare to do as I will be expected to keep them in the loop even though they are likely to object to every move/decision I take. Add in complicated family dynamics too.

Yet another mole to whack.

It will be a nightmare to do as I will be expected to keep them in the loop even though they are likely to object to every move/decision I take. Add in complicated family dynamics too.

Simply tell them the decision each time and then ‘mm hmm’. As for family dynamics, just tell them that if they were that bothered they should have applied for deputyship themselves, and then more ‘mm hmm’. I’m past the point of carrying the opinions of those who never actually do anything of use, and it’s quite freeing, one less thing to carry.

@triballeader

Update here is that tomorrow the manager of the care agency is meeting with mum and me to assess her and get care going. I’ve said 4 calls a day for 2 weeks then reassess once I’ve had a break. Meds not being taken again. All woe is me. Mum is very much unhappy with me over this carer assessment and unhappy I spoke with the GP even though she signed a form a long time ago giving them permission to speak with me. She can’t remember what is said and gets muddied up with it all so then I don’t know what is going on unless I was there at the time. She doesn’t use the diary I bought her for writing down what was said in phone calls. I’m supposed to work miracles. I’ve told her they are coming in for 2 weeks, I’ll still do the garden once a week and the cleaning but otherwise I’m on holiday. For all she’s said about getting more help she is very cross they I’ve actually arranged it and said that now she won’t pay me because she’ll be paying them. I’ll still be doing stuff, I just won’t be physically there every day or needing to do things every day so I can actually have proper time off. I find it manipulative that she’s suggested more help if it’s too much for me then got annoyed when I’ve said yea it is. The FOG is real!

solidarity to all.