Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Four visits a day starting Thursday! I’m so relieved. Just for a couple of weeks but also for wraparound care when I go on holiday. It’s costing nearly £600 for 2 weeks so it’s not something that she can afford long term and she doesn’t meet the threshold for help from adult services because she can do all her personal care. So I’ve got 2 weeks off except for gardening and cleaning 😄

That will be such a relief to you @dormit. It’s made a huge difference to me with carers going in twice a day. Hopefully you can find some way of continuing. If your DM can’t take medication safely then Social Services should have some input even if she can do personal care?

That is great that you get a break @Dormit. I would agree with @BestIsWest though, if taking medication safely is an issue especially with her having opioid pain meds then this is a need that social care should be addressing even if she is self caring otherwise (although if she isn't eating that surely a need too).

I would try and do a diary over a few weeks or think back over the last few weeks of all the care and things she has needed support with with dates, times and how long it took. The hospital did this for my Dad pre-discharge and then rehabilitation team continued on once home. This is what got the agreement for care upon discharge as they had him down as self-caring until I challenged it so social care weren't interested at all. I know it will just be your diary, but it will show a pattern of her not being able to self care safely.

I bought a note book this morning and have put yesterday and today in the book. It’s my day off but already I’ve been to the pharmacy once, spoke to mum once, answered two emails, and sorted an online shop. Once the carers start I’ll have less to do I hope and will have a proper day off.

@Dormit, I hope you manage to enjoy some much deserved downtime.

Lovely MiL has been visited. Nice assessment unit within nursing home used by NHS to reduce bed blocking. has lovely views over parkland and a lake.
MiL currently convinced she is on holiday in Canada with lovely and helpful hotel staff, rolling with that as she seems happy with where she thinks she is. That’s better than the prisoner against her will whilst in an acute hospital bed.

Next issue will be convincing DH it’s okay to go away for six days in the UK. She has 24/7 assessment care for the next two weeks for pity’s sake now IS the time to take a breather before locating a nursing home to meet her ongoing needs.
Currently considering leaving him here and going on my own if he insists.

My next task is to get mum out to see some decent care homes. I've got 2 on my list.

1. visited with DB2 a couple of years ago. Not in her home town but it is a (very) small city she always liked to visit for a mooch and there are lots of nice cafés, a nice market with interesting stalls etc so I could take her for little outings. Home runs a minibus to services in the cathedral on Sundays which I know she'd like and they have a good range of activities including singing and quizzes which are right up mum's street.
2. closer to where she lives, next village along. Haven't seen it before as they had a noro outbreak when we were arranging visits. Looks to have nice grounds which mum would like so worth a visit. But no nice cafés etc for outings

Trouble is she is set on the horrible home in the small town where she lives. I had strong concerns over the standard of care when we visited. The only residents in the very small and noisy day room were unresponsive to anything and the rooms were tiny with room for 1 chair so if you wanted to chat you needed to sit in the corridor. Let's just say it's by far the cheapest home in the area and had a 20% vacancy rate when we visited and I could understand why. But it's the only home with dementia care in her town and she is convinced if she goes there she will still be able to go to a much loved weekly activity that stopped running in 2023 but she swears she goes to every week.

good wishes and gin to all.
@countrygirl99 could you tell her that the homes you like can get her to the activity? (even though it doesn’t exist) whatever helps. The other places sound so much better
@

It might come to that @thesandwich

Drawing in my chair 🪑

I am finding it strangely reassuring from one of the other threads that you can have a phone conversation about one thing with your elderly relative, only for them to swear blind you never had the conversation the next time you speak.

I can up that one. I can take my mother to visit a care home at her request only for her to ask why on earth I'm talking about care homes the next day with zero memory of the visit or the request.

It’s my second, sort of day off today. I slept until nearly 11am! I don’t think mum is very happy with the carers going in still but needs must. It was killing me. I’m going tomorrow to do the gardening and just visit. We are still having fruitless conversations about paying for someone to do what I do. I’ve told her to pay someone £20 an hour for what I’m doing each week would cost her £700 a week which is not affordable. She doesn’t seem to want to spend her attendance allowance on me anymore than she does though even though she’s horrified it works out at £1.35 an hour.

I’m so sorry so many of us are in this position, especially those dealing with dementia too. Please take care of yourselves.

Just saying hello as I don’t think I’ve joined the new thread yet 👋

I’ve had to dig deep for patience and compassion to visit my father twice in two weeks (I had cut back to give us both space but assessments and appointments mean more regular contact for a while).

I’m still decompressing from sitting through the same conversation cycle again, which includes openly criticising me to my face and the threat of being summoned to meet with his solicitor so I can get a rocket up my arse for not doing everything he wants. I go because I choose to and I know he can’t even book an appointment any more so there’s a lot of mmm hmm.

I have to say I admire those of you who see the elderly person you care for every (or almost every) day. I have to steel myself beforehand and allow myself to recover each time but I’m choosing what I can live with.

Got to love (?!) those old men who still think they’re in charge @FiniteSagacity . I hope you have some time till the next encounter. It’s good that you’re limiting exposure, nothing good comes of letting them take over your head.

Thanks @SockFluffInTheBath he really does think he’s still in charge (no diagnosis) and thankfully the nursing home are amazing with him, which has massively helped us all to regain our own lives.

I hope things are going okay for you in your exceptionally challenging times - I think we’re both also dealing with raising teenagers, who also take over your head!

Some carers just have a way, don’t they? MIL’s live-in carer handles FIL beautifully while not actually doing as she’s told! MIL is still in hospital but doing really well now her carer is going in on a day shift, hopefully home next week.

Teenagers are teenagering 🙄😅 much drama with DD18 and DS19 is home from uni, antagonising DD, and eating me out of house and home! Exam season finally done though, just waiting a-level results. Hope yours are doing ok @FiniteSagacity

Unfortunately my dad has been readmitted to hospital, pulled his own catheter out, care home couldn't reinsert it so called ambulance. Hospital now saying he has urosepsis. Was supposed to be being assessed on Monday as coming to the end of 'delirium pathway' care and the locality team haven't sorted out the next stage yet.

@Lightuptheroom sorry to hear that. We’ve been through that a couple of times with FIL, eventually they fitted a suprapubic catheter. Are they treating the sepsis or letting him slip away?

Hollow laugh here- DM has always been v good at hearing what she wants to hear and making decisions on that basis.

So any conversations that contradict what she wants to happen are forgotten v quickly.

The C Cafe has been so helpful recently. At least I know I'm not the only one dealing with parental shenanigans.
Give me stroppy teenagers any day!

It’s not either or though, is it? It’s both for some of us. And working 50hrs/wk.

I have all three, trust me!

Of course you do, sorry for being snappy. I had 3 people tell me at the guilt trip village fete yesterday that they know exactly what I’m carrying because they have healthy, independent elderly relatives. Oh and I should make more of an effort to look less tired 😅

@SockFluffInTheBath wow who needs enemies hey?

@Lightuptheroomthat sounds tough. Is there a plan.

I'm going up to my mum’s today and don’t particularly want to. I’m supposed to be doing some gardening but it’s pouring down. There’s now a heatwave forecast so I’ll have to go up and water the garden during the week. Maybe I’ll do it first thing after dropping Ds at school before it gets too hot. I’m annoyed though as it means I won’t get the week off. It takes an hour to water the garden properly. I’m planning on going away next weekend though for a proper break.

Sod the garden, frankly.