Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I'm sure she would if she was up to it to be fair.

Don’t try to solve the problem for them. I’d let him get on with it. If there is a problem on the journey, it’s the hospital
transport not a private taxi so they should have experience of many things and be able to refer or get added to notes about problems.

And it’s up to your brother if he decides to go and help or not.

@NDornotND reports of trips by transport here have been positive but our father is usually accompanied by a carer. The drivers are brilliant and volunteers and they always know the way and are much better than me in every possible way.

Ah - thank you. So I could potentially accompany him? Hmmm...not sure that would be preferable to driving him myself...

I don’t think an able bodied driver would be able to accompany… I appreciate they need the seats but also if they think you could drive him, I don’t think his booking would be accepted.

I don’t know if you booked your dad’s patient transport - nursing home do it for us when I can’t do an appointment - but I had every request rejected when father was in sheltered accommodation and I didn’t really ever figure out which question I was answering ‘wrong’.

Our father just uses the patient transport as an opportunity to say I’ve let him down and they are much better drivers. Every appointment I take him to is an unbridled joy of criticism and accusations of micro-management.

But he is very complimentary of the service was my point - I’d heard horror stories but they make sure he gets to the clinic he’s going to and collect him, so his area seems to be a very good service. It is run by volunteers.

My dad is generally lovely (mother is another matter 😬). Yes, I did book it for him - obviously got the answers right somehow. I think i might take him to this one, while it's a long way away, and maybe try out the hospital transport another time for a less daunting journey. Seems mean to drag up DB for one appointment that i can do.

On another note - do we need another thread? I see we're on the last page. I could start one, but as a relative newcomer, I'm not sure of the etiquette or if there is someone who generally does it?

Hi everyone! We have an issue with a Local Authority currently. My DFiL died at the beginning of the year and he loft no estate - bank accounts are all in DMiL’s name only and they have a small holding and that is where she lives. A social worker was meant to help her set up a DD for care home payments for DFiL ages ago but didn’t bother. A Finance Officer met with DMiL and DH a couple of months ago and DH explained all this. Since then, the Officer keeps turning up at DMiL’s home knowing she is alone and is trying to intimidate her. She has told DMiL who is elderly and severely disabled that she will go to prison if she doesn’t pay this bill. DH has written to the LA who said it would be looked into but the behaviour continues. Wondered if anyone has any thoughts or advice!

@NDornotND I agree we’re almost out of thread - I think @MereDintofPandiculation left MN though due to the privacy and tracking changes?

@Newmum738 did the financial assessment previously provide any council funding or set up a Deferred Payment Arrangement (DPA) to recover fees in the future?

If FIL had no assets and MIL will continue to live in the house (assume that may be in both names) then it might be worth talking to Age UK or Shelter.

Prepare your DH to complain to the LA about harassment of MIL who is obviously vulnerable.

I haven’t talked about it much but we did complain to the LA due to delays and a lack of communication between departments. Depending on the timeline and circumstances FIL may have been eligible for funding from the LA or NHS rather than MIL having to pay the DD.

@FiniteSagacitydo you know the best way to complain? We’ve written to the Cabinet Member who passed it on to the Director but it hasn’t stopped!

For my local authority there is a complaints page that can be used @Newmum738
I second the advice of trying Age UK as a back-up.

Agree there will be a formal process for complaints but I was advised to give them a chance to resolve by saying I felt I’d have to complain and social care escalated it.
Its useful to have a timeline of calls and emails and significant dates.
Telling social care you’ve already contacted the cabinet member and want to know what has happened to your complaint or specifically asking for the formal process might get things moving.

There will be a formal complaints procedure. Address it to the director of adult services. Ring the contact centre of your mil local authority and ask for the details. Their website will tell you how many days they have to acknowledge and then actually respond to your complaint. Without wishing to sound funny, make sure that you are in full possession of the facts, older folk can be like children at school sometimes, a scheduled visit from a social worker can easily be turned into their version of being harassed. Make sure the financial department and your mil social worker and the social workers manager are copied into EVERYTHING the different departments are notorious for not speaking to each other. The finanicial department have very black and white processes, social workers tend to promise lots and deliver nothing. Like you, we found out a social worker hadn't filed the correct paperwork with my mil so we ended up with an 80k bill when she died. Unfortunately my BIL wouldn't allow me to query it so it stuck but keep following through and there should be a clear answer

Update on my dad. Was in hospital for 7 weeks, has been in a nursing home for 2 weeks. Delirium has got much worse. CMHT have assessed and advised he's 'unassessible' as he can't engage with their questions so he'll be transferred from the delirium pathway to permanent nursing care. Hes lost the ability to hold any type of conversation and is bed bound. Hes lost massive amounts of weight as he's refusing to eat.

I'm so sorry to hear that, lightuptheroom. How distressing for you all.

I’m so sorry @Lightuptheroom 🌺

I’m so sorry to hear your update @Lightuptheroom. There is only so much you can do and you can only be any help by putting your own oxygen mask on first 💐

That’s so hard @Lightuptheroom, I’m so sorry.

Sorry to hear your update @Lightuptheroom. Make sure you look after yourself.

We need a new thread.

Started one
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026

as @MereDintofPandiculation isn’t around anymore @MrsJRHartley phew!