Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@funnelfan 🤞

woohoo @funnelfan talk about the stars aligning! So happy for you. I hope it all goes smoothly.

@funnelfan great news - I had a similar experience in late 2023 and struck blooming gold with the home for my Dad. It was quite literally the only place that could accept him and I clicked immediately with the staff. It isn’t the boutique style my brother and mother would prefer but as a proper nursing home it is warm, well staffed with the most caring and cheerful team, a gem of an activity coordinater who is always sending photos over of things Dad is joining in with. His room is clean and there is never any issue getting access to it - ever. I rarely let them know when I am visiting and have never had one red flag when I turn up randomly to make me concerned about the care he is receiving. The barber visits regularly as does the chiropodist. If there is an emergency I get a very professional phone call - we are all on first name terms - except for my brother and mother who look down on the staff doing a job none of us in the family could do.

I sold it to Dad that we were ‘finding him somewhere better’ than the hospital/rehab place he was in. He has settled well. He has the odd grumpy day but that is normal. Grasp the chance to let the professionals do what they do best but that never makes the main stream media. These people are amazing. Good luck and keep us updated. My experience is the staff will want to help you.

Oh @funnelfan that's amazing! Incredibly frustrating response from SS and I'm glad you're grasping the nettle, I'm sure it's the right choice.

They have a weekly visit from the podiatrist so it would mean no more cutting mums toenails!

@BlueLegume I often think family want these boutique hotel type places because it makes them more bearable to visit- as it's like a hotel rather than what actually suits the person needing the care.A warm team matters so much more than nice upholstery and lamps

I actively avoided calling those really posh modern homes for exactly that reason. Mum is virtually bed bound, so what matters is a comfortable bed and room and kind staff with low turnover. There’s no point paying for extras that she’ll never use. This home is a converted old house with capacity of about 30, which feels a nice friendly size. She won’t even have an en suite bathroom, but I suspect she is now fully incontinent after this hospital stay so it will be less critical. fingers crossed they say they can meet her needs and I don’t have any concerns when I visit - i liked the manager when I spoke to her and she said I should turn up any time to have a look, no need to make an appointment, which is reassuring.

That’s brilliant news @funnelfan sounds a good plan 🤞🤞

We had a standoff with BIL about care homes as he was completely taken in by fancy looking ones. FILs dementia is quite advanced so he doesn't really care about how lovely the building looks from the outside. Good care is t @funnelfan I'm glad you found somewhere that you are happy with.

@funnelfan absolutely sensible approach. Dad is in a similar place - it feels nice entering by a ‘front door’ and you can still feel the old bones of the what was a large family home. Yes the carpet in areas is old fashioned as is the wallpaper but when I think about it it is the kind of decor he lived with in his old home so it must be comforting to have some familiar feeling. I second the reassurance of the ‘pop in anytime’ approach. I hope it works out for you. Do let us know. I found the paperwork quite cathartic- we were asked to write a life history about Dad. I will link a similar template for you - interestingly they did read it and it is referred to by staff. They are all scanned and available on the iPads the staff have with them. It helps them see who the person ‘was’ their jobs, interests extended family etc. https://www.dementiauk.org/wp-content/uploads/dementia-uk-my-life-story-template.pdf

@funnelfan yes that sounds good- you are right about fancy- I kind of get it if the person is actually choosing a home as they are just a bit frail and fully able to appreciate it and if you can get fancy and a great team and within budgets then yep I would pick that too - but it so often isn't the case as most older folk I know who are still able to appreciate all the extras and the nice decor would pick the 'own apartment/extra care' type places

Well to complicate matters I did catch Covid from DH and am currently going through the “death warmed up” stage in the sofa. Thankfully the home are willing to go and visit mum in hospital without me, so keeping things moving.

On a more positive note, DH is now through the worst and feeling human again, albeit still a bit poorly, so on that basis I’ve only got a couple more days to go before my brain stops feeling like it’s made of cotton wool. Of course I can’t go and visit mum now until I pass whatever criteria the home/hospital have for people who have Covid, whether it’s a time since symptoms or a negative test thing.

Hope you feel better soon @funnelfan. Put your feet up and look after yourself.

Just been to see DM. She was in bed when I arrived, and obviously intends to stay there for the day. She often gets depressed in winter anyway, but with the loss of DF in Oct, I’m not surprised she is low just now. She can’t take anti-depressants as she was diagnosed with bipolar about 2 years ago (after being hospitalised with mania) and is on mood stabilisers for that (anti-depressants can cause mania if you have bipolar). Feel a bit useless and callous leaving her be like that, but what can you do? She has regular CPN visits and we are seeing her consultant next week so will discuss things meds wise then. I’m trying to pop in 2-3 times a week, or make plans with her at the weekend etc but also back at work now and juggling the kids being back at school, as well as trying to move house and there isn’t much more time available to give her really. Short of moving her in with us, or moving in with her (neither of which are feasible or would be good for my own mental health), I guess we just need to ride it out.

@funnelfan , the home you are talking to sounds like a really good option. I really hope things work out for your DM in aiming to move her there. I also hope you feel better soon!

Hope you’re feeling a little better each day @funnelfan and it sounds a good sign the home are willing to see your DM without you. Maybe she will feel she is getting more of a say in her care.

I also remember someone saying that care homes sometimes ask relatives not to visit too much initially - it can help settle people in better as they get to know their carers. I have everything crossed for a good transition.

Thanks for the good wishes, if my symptoms follow the same path as DH I should start feeling more human tomorrow. I'm up and dressed but not straying far from the sofa. Ironically I'm doing exactly what I planned for my Christmas holiday and never got to do because of mum being in hospital - watching old films and doing as little as possible.

On the mum front, the care home visited her today and said they were happy for her to take their vacancy, and pending a blood test result discharge is set for tomorrow. The consultant rang me this afternoon to run me through everything, I nearly fell off the sofa in shock!

My preference would have been to be able to provide mum's new room with a few of her bits and pieces to make it personal before she got there, but the hospital has outbreaks of flu, covid and norovirus - not in her bay yet but everyone agrees the quicker she's out of there the better.

@funnelfan I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Positive news about the care home having a place and accepting your Mum and discharge from hospital hopefully happening today. Crossing fingers it has all gone smoothly today.

@countrygirl99 it sounds like you definitely need to lay out your boundaries otherwise they will rope you in to doing more and you will burn out from all the travelling. You are entitled to have a life too.

The hospitals are rife with infection at the moment. DDad just got home this week after going in mid-December. They firstly tried to send him home between Christmas and New Year with no care in place despite it being evident that he needed support in hospital. I managed to block that at least. He got as far as discharge assessment a week ago then was unwell again, they were concerned about sepsis so he was moved back onto a ward. Luckily he was ok after some more antibiotics so they discharged him mid week.

It has been a roller coaster since he came out as first they didn't send the medication sheet for the carers, so we had to do it, then he started refusing them giving it to him once I had that sorted and yesterday refused to eat his evening meal from them. He keeps telling them we are doing things to help him that they are there to do so we don't have to.

Yesterday he also needed medical treatment and refused which put him at risk of going back to hospital, DH spent hours running around sorting him out whilst I was at work and he was also juggling sick kids at home. I have given him some stern words today as did DH yesterday about him not being fair to us by refusing and also the risk of not having his medication from the carers at the correct time because we can't do it at set times like they can. I am hoping it has gone in because we are exhausted, we have as a family all been unwell since mid December in a rolling wave of infections that go from person to person and we need a break.

@Choconuttolata boundaries have been firmly re-affirmed and one sibling has smooth themselves in the foot by creating such a fuss that one task is now delegated to them as clearly I can't be trusted🤣

@Choconuttolata also hoping for ideas that get the person to work with their carers and not against them, or lie to them.

DF is being challenging in the nursing home, not sure if he’s trying to get thrown out.

What’s frustrating is that for years of clinic appointments, he loved all his clinicians (knew more about them and their families than he did his own!). Just doesn’t talk to or see the nursing home staff in the same way. I think he could mask for his appointments but it’s all too much to keep up 24 hours a day.

Thankfully mums transfer to the home happened today, I had a call saying she’d arrived, and was having a cuppa. As she’s come straight from the hospital and I’ve not been for a week she has no clean clothes, so they’re kitting her out temporarily. I’m feeling a bit better and hopefully by tomorrow will be just at “bad cold” stage so I can drive over and at least sort out a bag with clothes and drop them at the door.

I’m enormously relieved because it means the pressure is off for now. I want to see mum and make sure she’s ok, but once I’ve done the short term tasks needed to settle her in there will be no need to rush around doing chores every week. I can be a daughter again, not a carer.

There will still be plenty do especially with the house to sort and sell, but someone else has now taken over the worry of ensuring she’s well, safe, warm, clean and fed. I think that will mean I have the energy (physical and mental) to do the admin and other practicalities, which are my strengths anyway.

Great news @funnelfan but do take care of yourself- the crisis is over, things can take a bit longer if they need to. And absolutely- be a daughter again.

Thanks for the update @funnelfan, so glad your mum is out of hospital and you’re feeling a little better.
Do you need tips on the next bit - I realised it has become second nature to label everything, so I have a fabric pen and a sharpie on me at all times! Some care homes have their own system.

Practicalities are also my comfort zone!

Glad the move went well @funnelfan what a relief to know that she is safe and that you can enjoy visiting and being a daughter once you are recovered.

@FiniteSagacity I have no answers on that score. Both me and DH have been firm because the carers follow the mental capacity act and if he refuses they cannot force DDad to take medication or eat. We can't either, the only threat we have is if you don't do this you will end up back in hospital which he really doesn't want. That at least seems to be working for now.

I think it is fear and anxiety that is the root of it all, he wants us there more because we are familiar and he trusts us however we cannot and will not continue to put our children's needs or our own behind his when he is choosing to make things difficult. Poorly Dd2 needed her Dad around yesterday and he had to keep leaving her to sort out my Dad. It was potentially a serious medical issue if left so he made the right call in this instance, but he won't be doing that if he refuses to take his meds or eat just because he wants us to go there. I have told him before I will not accept him doing a repeat of what I went through with my Aunt, with her refusing everything before she died this year, I haven't got the time or energy for that again and I am still trying to sort out her estate on top of everything else.