Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation happy new year 🥂

Graduate checking in- happy new year all and thanks again@MereDintofPandiculation

Hello all- Happy New Year and thanks for the new thread.

thanks for the new thread and 🥳

Happy New Year to everyone and will no doubt be ranting again soon!

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation it was nice to read the intro again and reflect on what an amazing bunch you all are. Happy New Year 🥳

Cockroach to all as we bad daughters stagger into 2025! 🍾 [cockroach]

[cockroach]
Im glad this doesn’t actually exist 😅

Happy New Year. Just back from visiting mum in hospital, apparently doctor wants a best interests meeting next week. Fingers crossed for agreement on residential care - but then I’ll start a whole new round of stuff to learn. I feel I’ve only just got on top of managing care-at-home!

@funnelfan good luck and remember we’re here. I hope you get lots of help from the discharge coordinator (we didn’t but it’s a good sign if you’re invited to the best interests meeting?).

Thanks @FiniteSagacity, I will certainly be picking brains. I’ve learned so much over the last few years on this board, so am prepared to go to the meeting all geared up with my opinion on discharge to home being unsafe as she is a falls risk and likely to be readmitted to hospital and her house is unsuitable for her needs. I think the doctor has already decided she doesn’t have the necessary capacity to discuss/agree her future care needs hence they want me there. She was confidently telling them she managed fine at home, that she lived with her husband (dad died 5 years ago) and that she was 67 (she’s nearly 86). Fortunately I have PoA (both kinds) so can speak with that authority not just as next of kin. That and her will are about the only positive planning steps that mum took for her last few years.

Thank you for the new thread. Checking in!

HNY.
Mine had the first responders out the night before last with D&V so our visit was postponed. Since she lost her husband i.e. in the last 9 weeks, she's had (so much I'm having to stop and tot it all up...)

• 2 episodes of sickness like this,
• one overnight in A&E after chest pains, and
• one weeks-long hospital stay with an infection.

Of course it's winter, she's just been widowed, flu and all sorts are going round and she has carers in. It sucks.
Sadly she's too frail to stick on a plane to somewhere warm for a month :/
Hope it's not anything nasty bubbling under.

It's almost a relief @funnelfan when they come out with something verifiable like that. Best wishes for the best interests meeting.

Here you all are! Can I smuggle in the leftover Christmas booze in case we are driven to break Dry Jan?
Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and Happy New Year to all.

Dry January didn't stand a chance here!

@countrygirl99 🍷

Have spent half the night awake thinking through a message to my brothers who are pointedly ignoring major issues and leaving all the decisions ( and 95% of the work) to me. Totally fed up at the moment of the almost daily calls from GP/SS. I'll probably need to type out and delete several times before it's sendable and not just a series of swear words. Told the GP yet again yesterday that no, I won't be doing the over 3 hour trip twice a week to make sure mum goes to dressing change appointments. She is actually perfectly capable of getting herself there and if they were offering free cake she'd probably be queuing outside at opening time but she can't be bothered to go despite being on her calendar, reminder notes and phone calls. It's notable that it's only boring stuff that gets forgotten but social events aren't missed. Yes she has early stage alzheimer's but I caught her taking down a GP reminder notice I put up as soon as she thought I'd left last week ( had to go back in the house as there was too much to take to the car in one trip) so it's her lifetime of stubborness and I'll only do what I want shining through and I've had enough. Aged 8 I was looking after my younger siblings after school so mum could pursue her dream, at 12 I was responsible for the family meal twice a week and I'm done.

I would text your last sentence to your siblings and hsve done with it. I feel resentful on your behalf.

@countrygirl99 do you think any message is likely to have a useful outcome? If not, write what you want and then don't bother sending it - instead, do whatever you would if they'd moved hundreds of miles away and gone NC with you all.

If they complain you can say, flatly, that you assumed, based on the past, that they would not have felt in a position to be of any use ...

I'm going to tell them my decision in relation to the latest SS proposals ( which they have a copy of). I'm going to say yes to some and no to one that would be a huge amount of work for me. If they disagree I'll tell them they can pick it up! I'll say I'll do my best to cover hospital and emergency medical appointments but I'm going to ask SS if the care company can cover stuff like blood tests snd dressing changes. Mum is self funding (but arrange via SS it makes change more bureaucratic but saves quite a lot in fees) it will cost bit don't see any alternative. Again, any objections and they can pick it up. To be fair they don't do nothing but one does the easy stuff like paying a couple of monthly bills and the other will occasionally do maintenance jobs if I kick up but it's al reactive ad I'm bearing the brunt and doing all the proactive stuff. DH had a couple of health emergencies last year as well.

Hello fellow Bad Daughters, may I pull up a bar stool/chair? I was the Good Daughter for much of my life, with my sister allocated BD role until I defied my mother (after a breakdown and therapy) and was cast out. I wasn't spoken to for 5 years, eventual reconciliation and we were in regular contact for many years until another argument that could have been resolved but she chose to turn into the silent treatment last summer.

Mum is now quite frail and unwell but I feel completely burnt out as a daughter and just can't face seeing her. My sister and particularly my wonderful niece are currently sorting out care (none of us live less than an hour from mum, I'm nearly 2 hours away), and I feel just all out of love. I've never felt like this about her before but when she started giving me the silent treatment again last summer and something in my snapped. Each time she had cut me off over the years I've become severely depressed and I just won't go there again.

Still can't shake the guilt though 😕

I’m in need of some urgent collective advice here already!

Hospital rang to say Mum is considered medically well enough to discharge, but lacking capacity to decide in the best place for her to live. There won’t be a best interest meeting as her local authority has reviewed the written notes from the hospital and have decided from the comfort of their offices that she can go home, and they’ll provide two carers per visit 4x daily and technology to stop her falling/alert them if she moves. The local authority won’t support her moving to residential care and if that’s what I want then I’m completely on my own sorting that out, they won’t provide any support in helping identify a suitable place or arranging transition. Oh and there’s no one I can talk to at the LA. The hospital discharge coordinator is sympathetic and says we’re not the only family facing this situation at the moment.

This is utterly maddening because the LA appear happy to lay out lots of money on carers and technology and have her be in exactly the same situation in a months time. Whereas mum will be self funding for residential care as she owns her house.

So realistically, while I can try and delay as long as I can while I argue with try and engage the LA on the basis of discharge to home being unsafe, it looks like I’m on my own trying to identify a suitable home, from a 100 mile distance. That’s what I’m struggling with - I need a hand hold to find a suitable place and organise the transition. Any advice?

Just popping in to offer a hand hold to @funnelfan - that sounds an awful situation. I believe @hatgirl may have some professional advice?
Would her gp ( who would possibly visit care homes) have any ideas? Ask on local nextdoor/ fb group for recommendations?
im so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Great news! After a frantic bit of ringing round I found the magical unicorn a home close to mums house that has an outstanding cqc rating and a vacancy. The manager is meeting mum at the hospital with me on Friday. I’ll sell it to mum as respite care and we can assess long term suitability once she’s there. They sound fab though.

i just need my luck to hold a little longer as DH is currently unwell with Covid. He’s had symptoms since Saturday and so far I’m ok so I’m really hoping I stay clear, at least until after Friday!