Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

DH was his Mum's carer, the rest of his siblings disappeared when it became too difficult even not turning up when he had arranged to go away for a weekends respite then not answering the phone. He is great with my DF and does a lot of care for him.

The nursing home situation sounds awful @Lightuptheroom they were suggesting something similar but a community rehab nursing home for my DAunt after discharge from the acute ward for 'assessment' due to her delirium which was dementia and fall related. She didn't make it out of the acute ward before she passed away so likely some of the delirium was also end of life related. It is a very hard situation to feel like you have no say in what happens to your parent and when you know they are so distressed. Have you managed to visit the nursing home yet to speak to the team there?

No, unfortunately the nursing home is in the back end of nowhere, not accessible by public transport and aside from being 200 miles away I also don't drive.
Very similar other than its not community rehab and he's palliative care. The consultant noted he 'might' be able to access 'some' physiotherapy in a 'few weeks' yeah right, because someone hallucinating that there's bugs all over the floor is really going to be able to stand up?
He's also been bed bound for 7 weeks so is still definitely bed bound. It's a mess, yes it's peaceful and obviously quieter than a hospital and he's not keeping everyone awake all night by talking loudly 24/7 about total crap but other than that...

It is very hard when you don't drive, I don't either and DAunt was in a hospital 200 miles away and like you the nursing home they suggested was not accessible by public transport. Near impossible to advocate for their needs from such a distance by telephone. It might be worth speaking to the nursing home manager to ask if you can tell them a bit more about your DF, what his life was like pre-hospital admission, his likes (music, TV shows that could play in the background as a familiar sound) and dislikes so that they know him a little better and what would help him feel maybe a little more reassured and comfortable. If you can get through on the phone that is.

Unfortunately he's an extremely stubborn man and even with acute delirium knows he doesn't want to be there. My mum is already in a care home with advanced dementia (no, they can't be together)
It's yet another rollercoaster after 7 weeks, all because he fell over his rollator!!

Just to say @Lightuptheroom I’m sorry for what you’re going through, that’s very difficult.

🍷 and ☕️ to everyone.

I’ve popped in to read occasionally but have been trying not to post as I can’t be constructive. Am just full of rage all the time. Surprised I didn’t get a disciplinary at work this week for steam-rollering someone (admittedly a grade 1 arse, but still). Blood test says nowhere near menopause but very anaemic, ongoing gynae issues and the associated inertia within the medical profession, work is just stress as our senior left and the manager just looks at his phone all day to find stuff for his new house- frequently awol for hours on end when ‘WFH’. DD is almost through her a-levels and vile- got drunk last night, fell and landed on her face- broken tooth, black eye, ripped shoulder. The fecking drain’s collapsed so 2 blokes spent most of yesterday messing around before deciding the need a digger 🙄 DH is in full self-pity mode and I just hate him. I hate everyone, I even shouted at my bloody dog this morning. I’ve just had enough.

@SockFluffInTheBath sounds like a large glass of wine and a bar if chocolate is in order.

@SockFluffInTheBath that all sounds awful and no wonder you are cross at the world.

Oh Lord @SockFluffInTheBath you are in need of the cavalry! Wish we could form a crack team to swoop in and solve everything. Sadly will have to do.

Got any china that needs smashing? Can be enormously therapeutic. When DH cleared PILs house, we had a good old session out in the back yard, smashing unwanted stuff into a bin.

I second this. Although perhaps don’t smash DH’s favourite mug and then have to source a replacement from the Netherlands at great cost like I did after a similar set of events.

Solidarity @SockFluffInTheBath. and/or as needed.

(On a side note, blood tests are notoriously unreliable when it comes to menopause. And GPs are crap at dealing with anaemia if they can’t identify a root cause because they fixate on either iron or vitB12 in isolation without realising if you fix one then the other will then go out of kilter because the body uses both, so your reserves of iron (or B12) will drop if you supplement with B12 (or iron). Sorry you’re dealing with unhelpful medics at the same time as unhelpful family members.)

Thank you ladies. A flying squad would be great, we could swoop in on each other. Might give smashing crockery a miss, the mess would sit waiting on me as no one would know what I planned to do with it 🙄

@funnelfan interesting, thank you. My current period started in March, which is the cause- cause of that is them dragging their heels over changing my mirena. Last blood test was 7.8 instead of 12. I’m on iron but will pick up some B12 tomorrow.

Solidarité 🍷 best to you all

@SockFluffInTheBath I simplified - there’s lots of information on t’ internet about the trio of iron, vitB12 and vitD and how vital they are to various bodily functions, and if you supplement one you should supplement all three. Apparently UK medical training covers very little about deficiencies and supplements.

i now take one ferrous sulphate in the morning on an empty stomach with 1000mg vitC (i don’t know how but it stops stomach upsets as well as helping the iron absorb), at lunch i take vitB12, folate and zinc and in the evening i take vitD and magnesium.

I’ve not had my bloods retested yet but the tingling and pins and needles have stopped and my toe nails are growing smooth for the first time in years and I’ve got a load of hair regrowth (on my head!) after 18 months of it falling out. GP said it was anxiety and put me on sertraline, which did help my mental health, but was I anxious because I was anaemic? Doubt I could prove it but I figured that taking the supplements couldn’t hurt - I’m taking standard doses as per label instructions. And it’s worth it to me just for the improvement in hair and nails even if it doesn’t do anything else.

Hope you get your coil sorted soon. Can you go somewhere else like a family planning clinic to get it changed?

Thanks @funnelfan Solidarité for the rubbish doctors. Sounds like you’re on the right path, hope it continues.

I was stonewalled by receptionists insisting a mirena lasts 8 years, when I eventually got an appt (after trying since September last year) the bloody thing was awol. Had an ultrasound & mri (for something else gynae) and it’s where it should be, so I’m waiting on the clinic appt coming through for round 2, and a referral for the other. I did call Nuffield, who wanted £800 to change it. Told my gp practice manager I would send them the bill if they didn’t give me an appt, and that’s how I eventually got in. I know I can’t actually bill them but I think having a deranged woman crying and snot-breathing on the phone was probably more trouble than it was worth. What little dignity remained after giving birth is now gone 😅

@SockFluffInTheBath wishing you strength and good for you challenging the GP, it’s appalling you cannot just get a coil removed/changed because you think it needs to be. You’re entitled to be raging about the injustices of being female and I hope you’ve found something cathartic to do.

@funnelfan thanks for sharing your regime, there’s a health corner in the cafe today!

Grrr at gate keeping receptionists. I realise they’ve been told to do it but it’s a horrible system. I’m very fortunate that my surgery has moved to an online system where your request is triaged by one of the doctors and if i need an appointment I generally get a call back offering me one that day. Or if it’s a simple query I’ve had a doctor message me with a response. So access to my doctor isn’t my issue with them, it’s the fact you have to research and advocate so hard for yourself on female related health matters. I found the last GP I saw was marvellous and let me do the snot nosed crying at him for nearly 30 minutes while we went through all my health concerns and he listened to all my woes about mum. Waiting room was a bit full when I left . But he was filling in for another GP and is usually based at another surgery in the group quite a way away so I probably won’t see him again.

@SockFluffInTheBath Mirena is now licensed for 8 years if is for contraceptive and you were 45 years old or younger when it was fitted. It’s only 5 years if it’s for HRT purposes. I’m in the latter category. I’ve also found unexplained bleeding is hand waved away if you have a coil fitted like it’s a magic shield that means nothing else could be wrong in your uterus. But it’s supposed to stop your womb lining building up so there’s nothing to shed in a period, so it obviously isn’t working for you right now! Hope it’s resolved soon.

Our GP surgery is great -if you can get through to triage which means either filling in an online form between 7:30 and 7:33 or phoning on the dot of 8 to get an engaged signal, dialling (I kid you not) a further 193 times to get through and be number 20 in the queue or be too late altogether. Then you get a call back from the GP at some random time inevitably when you’re driving, in the shower or in a meeting so must keep your phone glued to you at all times. When I was going through menopause and mirena issues I was in a team of 12 men and the only woman in an open plan office so conversations with the doctor were inevitably awkward.

I’m picking up the health regime too, sounds excellent.

Good news from my point of view is that social services have decided DM is not capable of handling her own medication after the issue she had when I was away and she took a double dose so they are taking it over. They will request and collect it and the carers will give it to her each morning. This means that SS will sort out permanent carers for her twice a day - she’ll have to pay but at the moment in Wales there’s a maximum charge of £100 a week whether you have carers once or four times a day from Social Services. Well, it’s a start. I think they will outsource the care at some point.

@funnelfan yes ref the 8 yrs, so I’ve repeatedly and completely shamelessly detailed how heavy my periods are to them, but they wouldn’t have it. Some of those conversations in an office of men, much like Best. I really don’t care anymore. Anyhow, moving at last.

@BestIsWest sounds good to hear you’re getting the carers, hopefully that will remove some worries for you.

Need to vent a bit. FIL went back home (three hours away) on Saturday after 15 weeks here recovering from a broken arm. He's living with middle son who works part time. Today FIL decided to go out to the dustbins, totally unnecessary, and fell again. Only grazes this time and lovely policeman neighbour spotted him and got FIL back on his feet. But FFS, why do something difficult that did not need doing? He wanted to go home as he hates the city we live in but I do wonder if there is some unconscious self sabotage going on....

@Mumbles12 vent away. I hope middle son is coping. Kudos to you for the 15 weeks after broken arm. The self-sabotage is very hard to watch and there’s a lack of empathy for how stressful this is for family.

Re the lovely neighbour, my faith in humanity has been restored by many wonderful people I’ve met while sorting our father out. The majority of people have been kind, considerate and generous with their time.

We're in the manic stage of wedding preparations before DD2 gets married on Saturday. MIL is not coming to the wedding (thank goodness as I don't want to look after her all day) but she is put out that she isn't the centre of attention. I expect some bad behaviour over the next few days.

@Morenicecardigans its quite sad that I think twice before sharing any nice news, plans or nice things we’ve been doing. Conversation is all so draining and negative and self-centred.

When our older generation have lived full lives, enjoyed years of retirement with few responsibilities or ties, they can miss one event and wish your DD has a wonderful day. Congratulations to your DD.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity MIL has chosen not to come to the wedding which is fine as she would complain all day particularly as it is looking like it will be very hot but she can't seem to understand that we are a bit busy at the moment.

And yes PILs had 30 years of care free retirement before FIL's dementia as they retired in their early 50s.

How do others cope with the guilt? I try my best with my parents - I visit every day and help with dad's personal care, take them to all of their appointments, help with shopping, etc. - but it's not enough. They're not coping. They don't want to go into care. I don't want them to go into care either, but I certainly don't want to move in with them. Theoretically, I could, or at least do more, but I have a husband and son and my own home/life and I don't want to. I feel so bad knowing they're struggling and not doing more to help when I could. They have been good parents and helped me out with my children when they were younger- although I have a grandchild of my own now, who I also have a day a week. Should I do more, or will I just end up resenting them? Does it have to be resentment or guilt? Is there a way to have neither?

Solidarity to you all- and hope you have a wonderful day @morenicecardigans.
@NDornotND please please don’t do more- for everyone’s sake please source some care for you parents. A friendly cleaner, gardener and a carer could improve things all!round. Ask locally for personal recommendations. Via gp/ nextdoor app etc… Do the stuff that only you can do. What happens if you get ill/ go on holiday?
Facilitate, and be a daughter. Long term vet of these boards and now graduate. 🌺