Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@countrygirl99 that sounds amazing. I dare say your phone needs a few days to recalibrate to UK signal…

@sockfluffinthebath I think you might be right there. My body clock certainly does!

Oh @countrygirl99 that sounds absolutely wonderful and I’m so glad you were able to get away and have such a good time!

@Lightuptheroom probably… I don’t have much experience but it wouldn’t surprise me. Nobody seems to talk to anyone any more, I can’t get DPs surgery and pharmacy to talk sense to each other either…

@Choconuttolata shes doing ok thank you. The bruises are coming out now and she’s cancelled a couple of outings with friends over the weekend so she can take it easy but I’m obviously very relieved it wasn’t a lot worse.

Glad to hear it @Tupperwarelid

It was like that when my Dad was in hospital too @Lightuptheroom, he made it all the way to the discharge lounge where they had sent him after trying to say he was well enough to go home and could supposedly could look after himself independently. Then overnight when he was hopefully due to go home the next day with the care package I had to fight for he 'suddenly' developed sepsis and ended up back on the ward on very strong IV antibiotics. The reality was he wasn't ready for discharge, they had rushed it because they wanted beds which backfired on them when he ended up back on the ward again.

Yes. Yes it is common. I just expect everything and nothing now.

Well, I have just done my last visit to my old'un for (hopefully) five weeks, and am sitting in the garden chilling.
It was a pleasant and productive visit, and I'll continue to be in touch, just too far to drive.

@countrygirl99 I am treating your successful break as a good omen, even though I know there is no such thing!

@mysterofwomany already had to have a go at goldenballs about something he should have done as POA and hasn't because I wasn't around to chase him.

And it's a regular thing he should have diarised but I have to chase every time. Would be easier if he handed the task to me but he won't because he's "important". Honestly it's something DH does regularly and takes less time than boiling a kettle so doing it would be easier than chasing him and I can't do something if he hasn't done it.

@Lightuptheroom ha, yes, discharge is a shambles.

@countrygirl99 so glad you had such an amazing time.

I wish DB would take on some of the POA stuff. We have joint and several POA so he can act but as per usual leaves it all to me. It’s taken me since November to try and get DM’s Stocks and Shares ISA transferred to a Cash ISA. I’m watching the thing going down in value by the week. So many visits to the two different building societies, phone calls, mis administration on their parts, and it’s STILL not done. Good job she doesn’t need the money urgently.

We’re off on Sunday. I have stashed supplies of tablets, hearing aids, batteries and Tena ladies in a secure place in case of emergency, written instructions in red sharpie on the washing machine and put DB’s phone number on a sticker on the phone, on the fridge, in her diary etc. Someone will phone me when we’re away, they always do. Won’t be answering calls from numbers I don’t know and turning answer phone off if I can.

@BestIsWest I recommend flight mode. I didn't realise you still get missed call notifications so if it's something you want to respond to you can call back but you can ignore as "not available" if it suits. Was tempted to leave it on all the time!

Hi I’ve name changed to keep this separate.

I know there is a lot of experience on this thread and I have a quick question that probably doesn’t need its own thread.

My Mum had a MCI diagnosis last year but has deteriorated after yet another fall she was hospitalised and we organised for her to go into a residential care home. Mum has limited mobility so needs two carers to move her from bed to chair, chair to wheelchair and to the toilet.

The issue is in the mornings she is waking up early and wanting the carers to get her up but she is also wanting companionship. Mum and I spoke to the deputy manager yesterday and it’s clear the staff are acknowledging her and saying they willl be back but they have to help all the other residents too. They have tried getting Mum up and taking her to the dining room but she is then sat there on her own so is calling them for companionship. Obviously the other residents join her but later. They have tried getting her up and sitting her in her chair but again she is wanting companionship. She doesn’t want the TV on.

My question is whether what ever home she was in would we encounter the same thing I.e.in the morning the carers are busy getting everyone up so Mum will always be on her own for quite a long time.

thank you

@Cafeharmony the issue you will find is that the time in the morning is often the handover from night (typically 3 members of staff) to the full morning shift, so no one would have the staff available to simply sit with her as they need to be working with other residents, attending handover, getting ready for breakfast etc and can't really expect a carer on shift to appear to be sitting chatting. No care home can provide 1:1 care unless it's deemed necessary. Would she listen to the radio? It sounds like the home are trying their best to provide what she needs but as I say, having worked in residential homes as the resident 'admin' for over 10 years they simply don't have the staffing levels.

The carers aren’t there to provide companionship. They’re there to provide for the care needs of the residents, and each will have multiple residents to help with washing and dressing and getting to breakfast. Probably whilst the shift is changing over too. Yes, they’ll chat with whoever they’re helping at the time but none of them will be providing 1:1 care unless it’s an individual with very high needs.

How early is her “early”? They sound like they’re being responsive getting her up when she wants, so it’s not like she’s waiting hours in bed for them to get to her. She is being unrealistic - if she was at home with four care visits a day it’s unlikely to match her desires and she’d be alone for most of the day. Even if she lived with family I doubt anyone has time just to sit and chat with her all day!

Could she not go and sit in the breakfast room and have the radio on until some of the other residents join her for breakfast?

Great question @Cafeharmony I’ve had similar challenges but at the other end of the day because DF doesn’t want to go to bed and thinks he’s the centre of the universe and argues about when he should have his medication ‘at night’ (completely ignoring that it’s having it regularly that has rescued him from the brink).

I second trying the radio as company in between carer visits - if your mum doesn’t need it very loud. Is there anything she could do as a routine to occupy her hands?

@countrygirl99 your trip sounds amazing!

@Cafeharmony my mums care home is the same, the staff don’t ever appear to have time to simply sit and chat with the residents. It’s usually around 10.30 to 11am by the time most residents are up, fed, washed and dressed and in the lounge. The non-mobile residents are always last up, I think they give most of them their breakfast in bed. I’ve certainly found toast and cereal on the floor in my mums room, I don’t think she is even taken to the dining room for breakfast. There is one lady in mums place who appears to have 1:1 care for a few hours a day but on earwigging into staff conversations I think that is privately funded by the family/the lady herself.

Things with my mum are much the same, dad still refusing to spend a penny of her money on anything other than what has to be paid for, i.e. the care home fees.

My sister and I between us have got her some new clothes, I learned from my sister that dad has cleared out most of her clothes at home because “they’re all to big for her now” with him having seemingly no intention of buying her anything new. She’s had her haircut (paid for and sorted by me) and between that and her new clothes she looks 100 times better, and she’s also a had a visit from the podiatrist.

I tried another chat with dad about him getting mum some new stuff. His response was “yeah I was looking at some tops in the supermarket the other day but they’ve all got short sleeves and she doesn’t like short sleeves so……” and then he stopped. And completely changed the conversation. And when I tried to change it back he basically got up and said he hasn’t eaten all day and needed to leave and get some food.

I just despair. I feel like grabbing and shaking him. He is a stonewalling expert. I’m ultimately going to end up activating my POA for mum’s finances if he continues to refuse to start coughing up, but that will cause a nuclear explosion because presumably I’ll be able to see all of their joint accounts too (not that I’ll go looking into those unless completely necessary) and he’ll hate that.

@Lightuptheroom @FiniteSagacity @GardenGaff Thank you, you have all confirmed what I thought, that this is perfectly normal in a care home setting. Funnily enough after posting I thought about a radio, so thank you for suggesting this as it may work. I have also got her knitting but she forgets about it. I will ask the carers to prompt her to do it whilst waiting.

@EmotionalBlackmail I perhaps didn’t word it well, I don’t expect the carers to provide companionship, it’s more that none of the other residents are in the dining room so there is no one for her to chat to so she is calling out.

@GardenGaff I sympathise with you about your Dad. Sadly mine died. My problem is no LPoA in place, I’m working on it but we are looking at months before it will be in place. I do have a sister who is effectively NC and trying to make it as hard as possible - I really don’t care for me it’s the impact on my Mum.

@gardengaff if your mum doesn't have capacity over financial decisions, activate the POA , then you become 'your mum' she is entitled to use half of whatever is in the joint account (including you transferring it to her own account) I wouldn't wait for your dad to suddenly realise that it's not his money. My dad never did so we've had to apply for deputyship which has finally been granted. Dad's now in hospital and not recovering so its just as well we side stepped him.

@gardengaff I can’t remember if you said your DF had POA for your DM and you were a secondary. You might have found this link already but just in case https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian.

God there are just so many of us in totally impossible situations

Well DF's telephone appointment with the urology department was the shit show we expected - phone call was supposed to be at 11am. No one called till 12.30, by which point my mum had already left the house to go to a Dr's appointment so dad didn't get to the phone in time.

They then tried to call my mum's mobile, despite having been told 100 times that she cannot use the phone for anything except text messages.

So that's another NHS appointment wasted. All would have been avoided had they returned the calls my brother and I had made, or answered the emails I had sent, to tell them that telephone appointments don't work for him.

We're still on the rollercoaster, df now has aspiration pneumonia and any discharge plans have been put on hold.

@cavemum was the appointment a follow-up or to arrange something? I wonder if a shirty email (to PALS?) saying it’s neglectful to use a process they’ve proven doesn’t work would do any good- or get the GP to send something?

@Lightuptheroom that doesn’t sound good. I hope he’s not distressed, handhold for you.

@cafeharmony

Sounds usual im afraid. In some homes the receptionist usually has at least one resident with them for a chunk of time. Is there anyone on reception early and she could spend an hour there?

Arrived in the Netherlands 10:30pm Sunday. Phone call about DM 10:30am Monday! Let it go to voicemail and it was only about arranging a Covid jab but my record of never going away without some kind of phone call about her remains unbroken.

Sending best wishes @Lightuptheroom.
@CaveMum frustrating.