Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Thank you @thesandwich - they do already have a gardener and a cleaner, who are really good. It's more the personal care really and general day to day things. A carer could help, but unless they could get someone to live in, they will always struggle. It sounds awful, but if I knew there was a time limit I would feel better about doing more when I can. I just resist to some extent, because I know it then becomes expected and could go on for a decade or more...

@morenicecardigans hope you and your DD have a fabulous day on Saturday

Solidarity to all on the thread - it's a relief to have somewhere to vent.

@NDornotND can you decide where you’re comfortable drawing the line. Would you be happy doing personal care for a week or longer? What if it was years. Have a think about what might be best before you get dragged into more.

Thinking about it in terms of resilience is helpful. What would your parents do if you weren’t available for a fortnight, month or six weeks? Your own health, recovering from surgery, unable to drive, broken leg, bad bout of flu or Covid. What happens if your grandchild’s family suddenly need extra help. What happens if you want to go on a fortnight’s holiday.

Getting them personal care in means they’re used to someone else doing it, and it’s easier to increase from there than it is to start from
scratch in an emergency.

What do you enjoy doing with them when you spend time with them? And what is a duty/chore?

It sounds like you’re already doing a massive amount and considerably more than a lot of people could or would do.

@NDornotND mine ended up being 17 years…. Meant dp was able to stay in their own home until two days before they died, late 90’s.
Please look at introducing carers. Attendance allowance can help fund- non means tested. Can cleaner do more? Please look at outsourcing whatever you can.

@NDornotND You already do much more than many daughters are able to do.
But in the interest of your own health and well-being, you need to follow the advice on here and make a decision on what things to keep doing and what to
"let go".
Are there any local driver services in your area that can help with hospital appointments?
Do they need a "meals on wheels type service" that would reduce shopping and cooking time?

Does it have to be resentment or guilt? Is there a way to have neither?

Yes, but it involves a very very thick skin and an iron will. I don’t think many of us fully achieve it.

have you sat down and chatted to your parents about how they see their needs being met as they get older? From my own experience and reading others on here, you get a blend of denial and avoidance about the reality of ageing coupled with a martyred “we’ll manage somehow”. Refusal to let “strangers” in the house (ie carers, cleaners etc). A shrinking of their own world so minor issues become a huge deal, and they forget the demands of a busy family on your own life.

A few years ago, I was you, trying to support an increasingly frail mum with early stage dementia from a 100 mile distance while having my own full life. I ended up in therapy, on sertraline to deal with the anxiety and reducing my working hours. The one piece of advice I’d give myself if I could go back in time is don’t make yourself the solution to every problem your parents have. As @thesandwich said, build a network of paid people and wean yourself and your parents off the idea of you being their fixer so you can go back to just being their daughter.

I’ll be honest - it is still a faff managing those people but it means you still get to go on holiday and in my case I didn’t have to jump in the car for a 4 hour round trip for the boiler light blowing out.

Mum never wanted to go into care. She’s in care now after one fall too many meaning she couldn’t manage at home even with the carers visiting four times a day. She’s looked after so much better than I could have done if I’d given up my life and moved in with her. She thinks I’m taking her home every time I visit her, and it’s very hard to be breezy about that, but it’s a great home with lovely staff and my head doesn’t allow my heart to feel guilt.

@funnelfan that is such a good response.

Already some good and wise responses - wish I had had them to read seven years ago - the only thing I would add is that you are so far down the line that it will probably be hard work trying to "recover" what the you felt like before you started the daily caring/guilt/exhaustion. But please do try and remember who you were, what you valued, how you felt...because that will help you decide how you want to go forward. I temporarily lost friendships and jeopardised my marriage..I gave up a once in a lifetime job and the financial security it offered. I will never get that back. My career ended at that point. Now the pressure is off with my mother, but the damage caused remains. Please get people in to help with personal care. It isn't selfish to do so. Sometimes you aren't the best person to do stuff..even though your guilt response might make you think you are...and your parents will see you as the only fix.

Take care of yourself. Sending all good thoughts.

Thank you - you are all so kind and wise. I will have a think and then a chat with my parents once I've got my head a bit straighter.

Hi looking for some wise words if possible, I have posted before under a very similar name.

How do you all cope with memory loss, all come on quite quickly now doesn't recognize me at all, says they recognize my face but no idea who I am, think they thought I was a hospital worker.

Also any experience of going from hospital to respite (sp?) apparently medically fit for discharge, social care involved. It this likely to be a stop gap until they find somewhere else ?

Sorry for the waffle, feeling it's all a bit much atm as I am dealing with this and my own family as well

Thanks for reading

@anonimouse11 were they at home before hospital? If things have changed with memory then could be delirium or infection in hospital and discharge to a (residential home?) for assessment of needs.

Not only am I a bad daughter, I'm a bad wife. DH was originally prescribed hearing aids 20 years ago but has been exceedingly bad at using them. On holiday there were a couple of incidents that made him realise how bad his heating is. The most amusing was mishearing a dessert as apple crumble when it was pineapple crème brulée, the most embarrassing mishearing a price as $3 when it was $33. He's had another hearing test and is waiting for upgraded aids but is still patchy about wearing the old ones even though they still help quite a lot. Apparently there is no point if I don't praise him for wearing them every single bloody time. So I told him that by not wearing them he is increasing his risk of dementia (true) and apparently that's unkind because it's scary. Told him tough but not to expect any sympathy.

@FiniteSagacityyes originally at home but in a complex, been a decline since admission, nursing staff say ok, social worker said ok maybe patchy, I just can't see it myself. Apparently will be assessed has an update today

@countrygirl99i wear hearing aids in both ears, best thing I ever did even though I was very conscious of them to start with, now I don't notice them.

It's surely up to your DH to decide to wear them to improve his quality of life. Unfortunately the truth hurts sometimes doesn't it. He needs to decide to wear them.

I mis heard loads of things as I used to lip read and didn't realize then COVID hit and every was wearing masks and I realized I couldn't understand people at all

@anonimouse11 it drives me mad. He's constantly asking me to explain what people have said because he can't make it out. I got so cross on holiday I told him he'd have to deal with the fall out if he didn't wear them. I also get fed up of him asking me a question when he's facing away and then not being able to understand my response because he can't lipread with when he's staring at his laptop, got his head in the fridge etc. I'm supposed to move so I'm facing him (nope), even if I'm not even in the same room. I get the "I don't want to wear hearing aids because I don't want people to know I can't hear well". But apparently if you ask people to keep repeating things or get in a mess because you've misheard they won't realise 🤷and his aids are virtually invisible unless you are staring down his ears. I've decided tough love is the only way to go. It's up to him whether to wear them or not but he has to handle the consequences if he doesn't and can't expect me to rescue him out if he doesn't. My view may be influenced by mum rarely answering the phone because she can't hear it which causes massive problems.

@countrygirl99 I assume he has NHS issues hearing aids ? Mine are and are barely noticable in fact some people don't know I have them unless I need to turn them up.

He needs to make the decision to wear them or potentially get worse, my hearing is deteriorating I think but thankful for my hearing aids.

Yes NHS issue. His hearing has got worse so he's waiting for new ones but the old ones are still better than nothing. I've turned the TV down twice this evening because he turns it up too loud and it's painful to me. I reminded him how my poor dad used to have to take his aids out because mum insisted her hearing is fine and turned the TV up so it hurt. He sympathised with dad and I pointed out he's doing exactly the same as mum but without the excuse of Alzheimer's

You are right @countrygirl99 and it will only get worse unless he does something about it. You have been enabling him and I think « tough love » is right as it will be better for him in the end. He can’t keep using you as a hearing assistant!

My mother can’t hear at all in one ear but has NHS aids which help in the other ear - but she doesn’t wear them. Drives me bananas. What is this bullshit about being self conscious? You wear glasses don’t you? FFS!

@anonimouse11 push for an assessment. If they don’t recognise you that sounds quite serious. It could be temporary disorientation from being in hospital or a UTI etc, but it should be assessed as you are reporting it’s a sudden change, and at least you’ll have a baseline.

@MotherOfCatBoythanks I have mentioned it to everyone the nurses, doctors, social worker I think the issue is they talk to them and give options as answers and they can answer that but if you ask a direct question they have no idea how to answer.

Will try again next week

Oh dear. I am a bad wife too! For the opposite reason. I have hearing aids but never wear them. They amplify the wrong things imho. Maybe I need to try again and get used to them.

Part of the problem for me is that DM is totally dependent on hers and panics and cries and loses the ability to do anything including speaking if they break, at one time this was happening weekly and I was forever having to take them to the hospital audiology dept to get them mended and it was so stressful - my back would automatically tense. I’m in a pretty good place with them now, I have spares of everything and a spare aid plus she bought some from specsavers as a standby but I think it’s made me scared of becoming dependent myself. Even though my reason for getting them was because of the Alzheimer’s connection.

I’ve spent this week filling in a Financial assessment for DM for social services. It’s taken days. Statements for every thing etc. It’s such a relief to know that she has carers going in even if she hates it. I’m still spending hours sorting things for her though. My next quest is sorting wardrobes out for her.

@anonimouse being able to answer forced choice questions but not able to generate spontaneous answers is a really clear demonstration of some form of cognitive or language problem - the staff around her are compensating for it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Also how often is she choosing the second one they offered (recency effect, ie it’s easier to remember the last one you heard) and how often are they swapping the two choices round and asking her again?

I agree it sounds serious and if it’s different from her usual presentation they need to know that.

@BestIsWest I wish there was a solidarity button on the form filling for financial assessment - very complicated, especially when you throw in some unusual circumstances and don’t know which box to complete!

@PermanentTemporary the recency effect is so interesting. I learned our father went to a church service when the alternative was much more his bag. But he chose the church which was really odd (for him).

Anybody any experience with hospital transport services? Booked our local service to take Dad to an appointment next week, in an effort to not be the only solution to all problems, and because it's further away than usual. Mum just called to tell me she's not happy about him going 'on his own' - primarily because of his continence issues - and is thinking of asking my brother- who lives 200 miles away- to come and take him. The continence issues are a legitimate concern. I could take him - i was just trying to expand our options. I don't think it's fair to drag my brother all the way. I could also ask DS. WWYD?

I think I'd suggest she went along as well if she's worried about him going alone but I'm in mean mood at the moment.