Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

OMG this is me. No matter what there is always an email or phone call. You have my sympathy.

@BestIsWest have a good break 🥂

DM is really worrying me at the moment. She's 85, not in great physical health, and has to deal with my Dad, who is 89, with a broken arm that hasn't healed after two lots of surgery and poor mobility. It's her mental health i am really worried about though. She struggles to accept any help and seems to think everyone (including me and my dad) are against her. If my Dad and I have any sort of conversation, she gets annoyed. I have been going every morning to get him washed/dressed - the intention was to try and take some pressure off her, but she seems to be feeling left out. If Dad and I discuss plans for the next day (e.g., "shall I come a bit earlier tomorrow, while you have that appointment?" "Yes ok?"), she snaps "I am here too, you know!" There are various other examples, that's just one. Also, took Dad to an appointment today and she tried to call the doctor to arrange something while we were out and it didn't go as planned. She told me about it when we got back, so I tried to call the doctor on her behalf when I got home. They wouldn't discuss details with me in mum's absence, but said the conversation wasn't at all as she told me. I'll have to call them again tomorrow when she's there. Anyway, I feel like she might be having some sort of breakdown, but don't know what to do about it....

@NDornotND is this a change in personality, or a worsening of a trait that has always been there?

Worsening of existing traits I think. Fairly sure she is undiagnosed autistic. She has always been a difficult person, but it's getting beyond now. She's just not coping, but is terrified of accepting help is what I think is going on. I want to help, but don't want to completely sacrifice my own life in the process.

Tricky. I think people do become « more » of themselves as they get older, and natural cognitive decline will result in more selfish behaviour and fewer inhibitions, even without any dementia. If she is ND then maybe it’s anxiety ramping up as well. Easy to be sympathetic from a distance, not so easy up close, as I know from my difficult DM!

Can you spend any time alone with her, just devoted to her, so she gets a bit more attention? Sometimes if you think of them as elderly toddlers it sort of helps to understand the behaviour…

I do spend time chatting with her, but she resents my relationship with dad. I do find him much easier to deal with to be honest, and that's clearly obvious to her...Also, she barely leaves the house, except for appointments, because of incontinence. How do others manage that? Do they use protection and manage to get out or does it lead people to be housebound? It's very sad & no wonder she's miserable - sigh.

I think you can only do so much.. try spending some time exclusively on her.. as for the incontinence, I’m not sure really. Pads and some research on nearest loos before venturing out?
I don’t think you’ll change the situation though, just find a way to mitigate it a bit whilst recognising that while you’re doing your bit, she may not do hers. You have to make peace with how much you can change.

@NDornotND WRT incontinence there is the NHS Continence Services. This is the main website https://www.england.nhs.uk/commissioning/continence/. If you google your local health authority/hospital they should be able to advise.

I agree with a pp pads, pants etc plus researching where there are public toilets. https://www.toiletmap.org.uk I would also suggest asking for/getting a Radar key so you can use accessible toilets.

Thanks for the sympathies re DF’s appointment. @SockFluffInTheBath it was a regular check up really, he’s been under urology for quite some time - decades for his kidney stones and for the last year with his catheter.

i see in today’s news that Billy Joel has been diagnosed with the same condition DF has.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2q95d4wy1o

Hey everyone I'm new here, so sorry if this is the wrong home for this post.

My DF (71) has PD and LBD and is in some decline but still sort of managing at home with his wife (my stepmum - in her 60s). They moved 80 miles/ 2 hours drive away from me about 10 years ago for a better lifestyle and to school her grandkids, who they took on as caregivers.

DF is steadily declining and SM understandably needs some respite. He has been on one respite care stay in a home in their area. He is doing another 2 respite stays this year closer to my area. He told me this is likely to be the long term plan, moving to residential care in my area. SM will not consider carers in their home.

On the one hand, I'm glad as I'll be able to visit him more. On the other hand, I'm considering what this would mean for me in the long term, and the potential impact on my family. DH and I both work full time we have 2 children.

Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? I'm wondering about things like what happens in the case of any medical emergencies - would I become the family member on call etc? Thanks for any thoughts/inputs...

If he's in residential care you can decide how much input you want and how often you visit. It's probably less problematic than him staying with SM and getting emergency calls to drop everything because she is ill/needs a break/just can't cope etc.

@cavemum, my DM too (Billy Joel). Have you been in touch with Shine at all? I’ve joined a WhatsApp group for carers of relatives.

You probably would become the family member on call but you can also decide what that looks like. I've had my DM in a home 75 minutes away and one 15 minutes away and the reduced stress from.the reduced travelling is huge.

thanks, that's a really helpful perspective.

@BestIsWest my mum is in touch with Shine - they went to a meeting during the week and got some useful info.

That’s good @cavemum. It happens to be NPH awareness week this week too.

Flying home today and only 4 phone calls! One voicemail about DMs Covid jab, one panicked call from DBro saying there were tablets missing from the week’s box. I answered that one and directed him to next weeks box. God knows if she’d taken double one day. Two I didn’t answer at all.

Name changed. Essay incoming. And swearing of a sexual nature. As they say on TV.

Thank god, I found this forum.

Right now, I’m beginning to deal with the fallout of my nearly 80-year-old mum’s increasingly fragility. She’s always been an incredibly fit person, but two years ago had a fall due to long covid and being up a fucking ladder putting up Christmas cards. There has been something of a decline since.

She’s had several falls since. A couple of bad ones in the garden. Her house is lovely, but isolated (she still drives) and the stairs are a death trap.She’s not showering for fear of falling, but she is keeping herself clean and I have no worries about hygiene or neglect.

My dad died over 10 years ago and was the one great with organising finances with my mum (good job) writing the cheques. Her annuity is gone – she’s always been incredibly (over) generous and, quite rightly, has been living ‘her best life.’

My siblings and I…well, what do we say? My mum has narcissistic tendencies, so she wasn’t the best mother to me (the eldest and the rebel – I had to be the rebel to keep my boundaries) and next one down in the line of siblings we have Golden Boy who is controlling/self-obsessed and then we have the Baby Of The Family who is a functioning alcoholic and avoidant. GB lives overseas with his wife and three teenage daughters and Baby lives 100 miles away with his husband and dogs. I live an hour away by public transport.

My mum has started to talk about living differently in sheltered accommodation. I’m so glad she’s starting to think this way, so there is no battle, for all her faults, she’s incredibly sensible and genuinely doesn’t want to be a burden. As the annuity is gone, Golden Boy who’s loaded is using his share of the equity in the house to give her an allowance. I’m grateful for this. He also owns the house that Baby lives in. GB may view us as parasites – who knows?

I work very part-time self-employed due to having bipolar and the partner and I are by no means minted. But we do take my mum on holiday, go over there for bank holiday weekends, have her over here for weekends, buy meals, take her to the theatre. We can afford treats, but we can’t afford to give her an allowance.

I’ve sent an email a month ago to the siblings about mum’s desire to live differently. One went unanswered by both siblings until I chased it up and GB replied that he couldn’t deal with it as his lovely mother-in-law had broken her hip. I don’t think he can multi-task (joke) or grasps that our mum will have a broken hip until something is done that is preventative.

I finally, after lunch out my mum yesterday, where I watched her wobble, sent another email saying we must have a family conference about what to do. I suggested options – 1) make adjustments to the house (e.g., she moves downstairs as there’s space and it could be made really decent) or 2) we support her to moving to a one bed sheltered flat 3) we talk to social services to see what the pathway is to support (I don’t think she needs it now, but I think long term) and 4) an alarm pendant. After much nagging by me, she now has a cleaner and a gardener.

Golden Boy responds with ‘she didn’t fall when she was staying with us or when she was on holiday’.I held back from saying, but she’s falling at home which is the common denominator and a bit of a fucking clue, idiot. He then sent several documents from Age UK on fall prevention (I have read those as I’m not fucking stupid) and ‘is she doing her exercises?’ We paid for yoga lessons for her to help her balance, but it’s getting beyond that now.

Baby doesn’t respond, but, oddly enough, Golden Boy lets me know what Baby is OK to meet today at 6.30pm, so there’s obviously conversations going on.

I have no idea what this is about. Denial? Money? OR the time honoured...leave it to the sister cos she is a woman, has no kids (unlike GB) or dogs (like Baby and his husband) and is in her 50s and needs 'something to do.' Jesus, caring for older parents REALLY is a feminist issue, isn’t it?

Well, 5 minutes until family conference and I can’t wait to be patronised.

@TheErrantDaughter I feel your pain.

My advice, a move at your Mum’ age may reveal she struggles more than you realise. I would suggest renting sheltered accommodation to see how she copes. Buying in help e.g. Home Instead. Selling the family home allows her to release funds. Make sure you have LPoA in place.

@Cafeharmony
thank you! We all have LPOA. I think, as my parents are/were so adamant they wouldn’t be a burden, that they sorted this out when we were born. Golden Boy was a bit surprised that we all have LPOA. He often thinks I’m a complete light weight. Baby wouldn’t know what it was.

The phone call went better than expected. However, DP says Golden Brother treats everything like a board meeting and Baby is in a haze of craft ale.

She can’t afford a home help, or to rent sheltered accommodation. I think she’s able to be independent, but does need a cleaner, a gardener, a fall assessment and adjustments.

The consensus* was I go over to be on the call with the doctor on Thursday, My mum is cool with this as I arrive on Wednesday and we can go out for dinner, I don’t think she’s hiding anything. We - siblings - sort a pendant for her and pay for it, we look at fall proofing the house and see where we get to.

Baby did - helpfully - point out that the dining room is the coldest room, when I suggested we could convert it into a bedroom. Yep, East facing Georgian farmhouse, it’s fucking artic in every single room. Bit tempted to say “tell you what, Baby, you sort it”.

*that consensus is going to be regular. I think as soon as I feel the piss is being taken I will speak up.

Joke re getting LPOA when I was born. Thankfully, my parents were thinking ahead. I think what’s going to be hard here is the sibling dynamics.

The sibling dynamic is never easy. At least you did reach agreement.

I've learned to look for the positive features of my siblings' way of being and not to try to evade the discussions that really have to be collective. I also finally after 50 years or so noticed that I can be incredibly manipulative in a way that causes my sister to take action, while usually not liking the outcome. I genuinely didn't realise I was doing this.

But with all that... it's still hard. I'm really not sure what our relationships will look like after my dm finally dies. I hope the falls assessment etc is constructive.

Surely it shouldn't be this difficult to get a week away. As well as doing my own packing and finishing off work I've been trying to pack for MIL so she can stay with BIL for an unknown period of time. He's not sure when he'll bring her back to her flat but he might do it at the weekend and then stay several nights at our house. This means we need to have clean bedding in the spare room and basic stuff in.

I'll be lining up the wine the minute we get to the airport tomorrow. MIL is already starting to not eat or drink properly (probably the stress of dealing with BILs vagueness) goodness knows what she'll be like when we get back.

First post on the cockroach cafe thread.

Living with elderly parents, nearly three years now, both suffered some serious health issues last year and responsibilities/pressures have ramped up.

My mother doesn't have any official diagnosis as yet but can no longer do very much for herself and needs to be told to shower, brush teeth, change clothes. Though she is able to think of these things herself when she knows she will have visitors. She has very little awareness of how much we all do for her and some days believes she is perfectly fine and we are only there to help my Dad.

My father was fully mentally sharp until last year but he has started to decline and he is in poor health physically. He is aware of how much is done and will try to prepare meals for them a couple of times a week to give me a break and because his food is much nicer than mine. He repeatedly says he won't make his next birthday or see next winter which is why we were needed and is then stubborn about accepting modifications or help. At times he can be horrible to me when he doesn't like what I'm suggesting and we regularly clash over his awful views.

My DH was happy and wanted to move here but has had some health concerns himself and hasn't been able to help as much and vents about my parents alot now which is adding to my stress.

We have spent a lot of money getting our space in the house habitable and making changes for my parents and are not in a position to get another house elsewhere. Despite complaining DH doesn't want to move and can't see how hard it is for me to be in the middle of them all.

We have no rights to the house and will have huge bills we can't afford to pay if they end up in nursing homes and/or to my sibling when they die. My sibling is unable to help in any way and is an additional burden when they visit unfortunately.

Sometimes I feel like we've made a terrible mistake but also there is no other choice now. Not sure what I'm looking for, permission to vent I suppose. I had my own children young and always envisaged getting some freedom back in my 40s but that won't happen now.

Solidarity to everyone else going through this too.