🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Malbecfan - my DF also loves his daily paper & no local paper shop will deliver to our house.
I've just organised delivery via newsteam group. They deliver any of the papers by 8am on a week/ 9 at the weekend (although this is not guaranteed). It cost the price of the paper + £4.50 a week - which I didn't think was too bad.

www.newsteamgroup.co.uk

It’s just one of those days. I had to work late this evening as I spent a couple of hours this afternoon on the phone sorting out financials - thank goodness for flexible WFH.

Mums savings are going to drop below £23.5k in the next couple of months because the care bill is chewing through it at a rate of knots and I’m also going use some up getting the water damage fixed (once she stops flooding the place) so I wanted to start the financial assessment from the council. But then I realised I didn’t have recent statements from two of mums accounts and I’ve never activated the PoA with those institutions so busy doing that so I can have accurate figures.

On the plus side, Age Concern online calculator reckons she’d also be entitled to a couple of pounds a week pension credit, which isn’t a lot but it means she’d also be eligible for the winter heating allowance and a free TV license. So worth having.

interestingly, the government apparently assumes that mum gets £30 per week in interest on her savings when they calculate her income! That would be about 7% interest, love to know how that’s justified. Its been a very long time since you could get that rate on a savings account.

I’d love 7%, sign me up 😅 good news about the pension credit though.

Hi all! DM is slowly settling in to care home however a small fire broke out last week and she was moved to another care home. On her return, a number of items have gone missing, waiting to see if they are still at other place but if not can I claim on their insurance? don’t mind a few things going missing but it’s all of this:

Missing items
Pyjamas x 5
Slippers x 1
Tops x 3
Jumper x 3
jogging suit x 1
Trousers x 2
Trainers x 1
Shoes x 1
Suitcase x 1
Coverless duvet x 1
Remote control x 1

All labelled

Brought some new citrus gin from a little gin distillery visit a few weeks ago.. do try it.

popping in to try and catch up, skim read a few posts. Good luck with financial assessment @funnelfan With MiL they took all her income and calculated an amount of approx £200 pcm from savings - she had a few premium bonds and was unusually lucky for the small number, each month I would check and hope she won either a tiny amount or a huge amount. Anything in between would mean a recalculation and a big win would mean no help, the estate can hold p bonds for a year after her death. So it’s a bit spooky to say she won last month - but died in May.

DPs now car less and using taxis, they’re cleaner, younger friends and neighbours. A huge relief but also DM likes to pop out on a whim for. Coffee and to buy fruit and veg from peoples tables by the road…. We will visit in a few weeks, DS going this weekend. They relinquished on first refusal of nearly new recliner chair so we hope to get it in the car. It’s a just in case they need it one day - it takes DM 3 goes to get up off the sofa but she doesn’t want help.

our main worry is that DM won’t get enough food for DF, who usually got a slice of cake with every coffee out. He has been looking thinner on each visit for some time, DM doesn’t offer lunch and he isn’t ‘allowed’ to help himself to things from the kitchen! DM won’t allow anyone to cook or look for food or snacks in her kitchen. We all take snacks when we visit to have when she’s not around. She is overweight and DF looks to be underweight to me. We need to keep an eye on the situation….

but on the whole I am having a much easier time than most here. A few boxes of MiLs on the landing to sort and cupboard in her flat still. Local Heart Foundation shop doing very well from her, and their furniture collection too. Works well for all involved. 👍

Joining in this new thread though technically I'm supposed to be resting (doctor's orders along with the prescribed antibiotics).

I'm not sure how long I can carry on like this. Had returned from a wonderful 2 week holiday, straight back into taking my mum for her second cataract surgery last Friday and had a truly awful day.

I didn’t feel very well but mum either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it. I had no thanks and at the end of the day it took all my strength to drive home. I literally stumbled out of the car and burst into tears.

I was moaned at for not harvesting her apples, jet washing her paths, selling her car (even though she complained it was too big and we'd agreed that we'd buy a smaller one when she'd had her eyes done), the central heating timer not working, Sky's random recordings and my work.

Mum insisted that she was never going into a home like dad but didn't seem to have any plan on what she would do. She complained that I was so busy with work that she couldn't depend on me being able to go over 3 times a week for an hour each time. Believe me that is NOT going to be an option.

I don't know where we go from here...

Oh I'm so sorry @WhatHaveIFound, that sounds horrible. Honestly, they can get so self absorbed can't they!!
It's always hard to come back from a lovely break to be thrown back into the fray again and you're not feeling well so your resistance is low.
Try to forget about it all for now and rest as much as you can

That sounds hard @WhatHaveIFound unfortunately it is hard to put your feet down with parents sometimes because we are not used to being in that position.

The reality is that they are ageing and need to accept that change, we can't do it all and they need to accept outside help to retain the quality of life they want. The more you do, the more they expect you to do.

The alternative is to not accept help and self-neglect like my Aunt which is painful to watch.

You need to protect yourself and look after your health by resting and trying to not think about their needs all the time, hard as it is. Pick at least one thing everyday to do just for you that makes you happy however small. Even if it is watching crap TV and eating biscuits!

They always say on here, no is a complete sentence. I am trying to get better at saying it and being firmer with telling my Dad what I can and can't do. We can't help them at all if we burn out.

Sign me up for the gin @Juneday . Sorry to read @WhatHaveIFound . No advice as my DF is largely not too tricky to manage.

Just returned home from a family celebration. DF's bro and SIL celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary this coming week so one of my cousins organised a surprise party at hers. All of us (DF, me, DH and both adult DDs) were invited so on Friday I drove us all there. It was a hideous journey but we got there and all fine. Yesterday we left DF and had a couple of hours in the local town just the 4 of us, then went to my cousin's. The party was lovely - aunt & uncle shocked but loved it all. DF had way too much to drink but my DDs were brilliant at looking after him and lots of family commented on how well he looked.

Just before we left, I found out my sister was flying over to use DF's flat as a free lodging. She and my cousin detest each other so sister was not invited and knew nothing about it. When we were at the party, sister messaged to tell me to leave DF so she could spend time with him. Sister would get her DH to fly over and drive them back to mine. People at the party helped me to compose a bland but firm "no" message - DF was saying "over my dead body" so it was obvious to everyone there how he felt. We were up early this morning to clean everywhere up, change all bedding and let the neighbours know she was coming. We left at 9:20, she arrived at around 3:30 this afternoon. She is very angry with me, and is now furious that a party happened without her knowledge. Thank goodness we are all at least 250 miles away!

DF is now thinking of a party to celebrate his 90th birthday early next year "if I live that long". With my DDs and cousins, I'm sure I could organise something, but I cannot see how we could leave sister out. Why is it all so complicated?

Nothing like a family soap opera @Malbecfan sounds like you made the best of it.

We are making plans for a 90th birthday before the end of the year too @Malbecfan The phrase "If I live that long" has been used for at least the past 10 years by MIL. We can't believe she's that age either because her lifestyle and diet are not what would be considered healthy.
Meanwhile DM age 83 is complaining that most of the food she is buying "doesn't taste of anything" and am not sure if this is normal or not. She is also driving again although not sure she should be, having said that there is no bus service or viable alternative.

Meanwhile DM age 83 is complaining that most of the food she is buying "doesn't taste of anything" and am not sure if this is normal or not. Senses, including taste, get less acute as you age. There’s also often a drifting to preferring sweet over savoury.

But if it literally has no taste, that must be miserable for her.

Has she had Covid recently? That's still affecting taste for some of my colleagues who've had it over the summer.

FIL rage tonight. DH has taken DS out driving to get away. It’s been a finger-clicking kind of day to follow a MIL rattling the locked garden gate all night kind of night. Actually 3 x nights. Set off our dogs and the neighbours dogs. FIL reckons DH’s aunt, who has done so much to help, is ‘there to be used as she’s only an in-law so doesn’t matter’. He’s an in-law as the aunt married into MIL’s family, not his, but that’s flown over his head. MIL won’t eat the meals on wheels anymore and throws it on the floor. Carer rang to say she couldn’t find the bin because it was the other side of a slatted 4’ fence. BIL needs a holiday because coming for half a day once a week is just too much for him. I’m a bit frazzled by other bits of my life at the moment. I think me and DH would like a holiday 😅 some hopes. We were in York weekend before last as a belated anniversary thing, told them all we’d be away. The phone never stopped and then MIL escaped (99% it was ‘allowed’). Breathe…

She had a sickness bug at the end of June, which could have possibly been Covid, but saw her GP and they didn't suggest that. She missed her last booster and probably wouldn't bother testing.

Maybe I'm being a bit of a wanker about this, but I'm getting really frustrated with FIL's constant assumptions that we're available to do his shit in our free time. 'I need this to happen on Saturday', type of thing. Nothing to do with ensuring he's safe and comfortable and fed, just things that were normal to him that he expects we'll be able to facilitate. I totally understand that he wants at least part of his life to contain some elements he's chosen for himself.
But you know what? So do we.

Only on mumsnet could a post about an elderly relative start ‘maybe I’m being a bit of a wanker about this’. This is how I feel so often, it’s good to have somewhere to be honest, where every sentence doesn’t have to begin with ‘I know this sounds awful but…’

I agree completely @SockFluffInTheBath . Sorry to read about your woes. Mine are not bad in comparison.

Yesterday I did shed-loads of washing because there was a fab breeze and thankfully it all dried. DF is very grateful, especially when I iron things. I do enjoy ironing in front of mindless TV so it's a win all round. Then DF started on the "when can you...?" questions. I shut it down immediately with "is it life or death?" to which the answer is always no. Then it can wait til my next day off work.

A very kind neighbour collected the newspaper today as she volunteers in the shop. DD2 will collect it tomorrow & Thursday as her work is shut due to having utilities work done. I'm off from Friday to Monday so at least I don't need to panic til next week. I'm dreading DD2 starting her first graduate job at the end of the month as she is brilliant with him.

The only thing it's worth checking for with taste change is oral thrush. If they'll let you have a look in their mouths, see if it looks wrong (use the torch on your phone to look at the back too). If it looks dry, coated, white spotted or very red, it could be thrush (or it could not). Have a look at your own mouth and a couple of others too to get a comparison. But often it is just age, mixed with cognitive decline.

I've had enough! I work in a school and since term started DM has ramped up the phone calls and text messages and insults.
Currently she is hurling insults at me because I got her a drs appointment yesterday due to a big increase in confusion/agitation - last time this happened she ended up in hospital for a month with delirium caused by a uti and hypokaelemia.
I have an overwhelming urge this morning to block her number on my phone and unplug the landline.

She has always had a nasty spiteful side and it's becoming more prevalent. I left home at 17 to get away from her and this just rekindles all of my childhood memories!

I wish I could just walk away.

I wish I could just walk away.. You could. But tell Social Services first.

I just need to rant at the world. Compared to some of you, this is nothing but I fear its all the small things that add up

DM has really bad memory issues. Will repeat the same question or say same thing about 5-6 times in the space of half an hour. Ie how are the kids/I've missed Alice's bday (she hasn't, it's not for another 4 weeks)/how are you/how was work today...you get the ghist.

I organised a dementia check. 2 Community nurses came out around 4 weeks ago and did a series of questions (I couldn't be there as had to work) and we've not heard anything back?!?! So yet again, I'm having to enquire as to what the results were/are and what do we do going forward. She's driving my dad mad with all this. Its exhausting.

I'm guessing they'd have been in touch if they thought she had dementia? So if it's not, why is she like this?! What's causing memory loss? I'm just in despair with all the bloody issues that she has and that never ever get resolved unless I'm the one spinning all the plates!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

@Projectme the lack of information is frustrating. Especially when you see ‘daughter supports’ etc in the medical notes and care notes.
Are you next of kin on NHS system, or able to ask GP directly?

That does sound very like the early stages of dementia @Projectme . It would be useful for all sorts of reasons to have a diagnosis. Can you chase up? Will the nurses speak to you or DF?

Sympathy to @notcopingwellwithDMdementia too. I know what you mean about the nasty streak - it doesn’t get better with age.

Hi @Projectme - if you organised the dementia check I would imagine you could chase up the results/recommendations? Unfortunately the wheels turn very slowly in my experience. It does sound like the early stages of dementia though. I've trained myself to answer "no thanks, I've got one" every time she asks me if I want a cup of tea, which is usually once every 2 minutes. If I say I do want one she doesn't make it, just asks me again 2 minutes later if I want one!

I turned my phone off today so that I couldn't be contacted and couldn't be aware of any attempted contact.

DM has carers twice a day for 30 mins morning and evening, I've been in touch with them today and said we need to increase what she has as I cannot carry on the way things are. They are going to get back to me.

While my phone was off I've had a message from DM saying she's going to tell HMRC just how long she has been working for me so that they know the truth. Make of that what you will. This morning at 6am she was going to take her urine sample for the doctors into the street and pour it down the drain because she was so angry with me that she had to do a urine sample, and it was the last time she would ever let me do this to her.

I just need to pull back and stop doing so much for her. I've told her that I'm not taking her shopping this weekend - I go every Saturday and I'm sick of losing half my weekend to her. I also think I will be turning my phone off more often!