🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Sympathy from me too @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . I really don't have any good suggestions, although I definitely get the part about the same story several times in a few minutes.

Today is one of my days off. I did DF's washing and then a food shop, stocking him up with gin again. He got very excited when I tell him how I compared the price of a litre of Gordon's with a litre of Greenalls as with my Clubcard, the Greenalls was cheaper but it was the same ABV. He hasn't lost it yet. Then this afternoon was the last session of physio. The guy is lovely and gets DF. We were waiting to go in then the physio appeared and called us over. DF used both his arms to lever himself out of the chair which the physio noticed and praised. DF veers between saying it's a waste of time going to how much he has improved. He really has more movement and we have further exercises to do going forward. I messaged hideous sister to let her know and she was going to phone him. I have retreated to my own house next door so I don't have to listen to her nonsense.

Wishing everyone a calm and pleasant weekend

I cant seem to add posters to this, sorry but thank you for the replies.

yes i will be chasing up the GP for info...i just feel i shouldnt have to...but ill add it to the list 🙄of things to get done.

I also just repeat my answers but after 2 hours of repeat, repeat, repeat I'm ready to be sectioned myself! She can't help it but god, the frustration!!

Thank you again 😊

@Projectme @notcopingwellwithDMdementia it really is too much sometimes. Be kind to yourself.

This sounds awful for you. Definitely yes to getting the carers to do more. The mental load of doing your own stuff is bad enough but to then have to deal with your DMs requirements will pitch you over the edge. I feel your pain.

My DH and I went away for 3 days recently but I still had to do phone calls to sort their life admin whilst away. Pisses me off no end but if I don't help/do it, I get awful guilt feelings. They've got noone else. And then, once, I got from my DM was 'I'd have done it for my mum...' while side eyeing me. 😑

And then, once, I got from my DM was 'I'd have done it for my mum...' while side eyeing me.

i remember my mum doing everything for her mum. I also remember her complaining bitterly about it. Having said that, one day when I was cutting her toenails she said out of the blue that she could never have done that for her mum. Luckily I think she remembers enough that she never consciously tries to be a burden. She just has a very small bubble now and doesn’t get what it’s like trying to juggle a job and a life as well as care for someone who lives 100 miles away.

i find it hard enough dealing with all of this and I was fortunate to have a good relationship with both my parents. My mum is also relatively compliant, ie doesn’t make life hard for the carers. But you folk who cope with all of this while also dealing with a legacy of difficult relationships and personalities have my deepest admiration and sympathies.

I doubt it's thrush because she has had a dentist appointment recently. I suspect it's just a sign of ageing which seems to have accelerated over the last couple of years.

I could do with some advice.

DF received a text and an email from his bank today saying that a request for authority had been granted. He didn't remember anything, so I called them. I have PoA and 18 months ago we went into the branch together with the stamped copy of the PoA for me to be officially added to his accounts. I now have my own cards with PoA after my name, so I can talk to the bank without him. DF still has capacity.

The lady said that a request had been made this week and when I asked if it was my sister, she confirmed it. I explained that my DF had not given her express permission and had certainly not been with her. The lady said that because she had the PoA and could prove her identity, they had to allow it. DF and I could revoke her permission in writing, but next time she came in, they were obliged to add her back. I asked if the fact that she lives abroad is an issue and they said it wasn't.

DD2 was with me whilst I was trying to control my anger about yet another dick-move from S (probably egged on by her odious DH). She is just brilliant and did a good job.

I think we have 3 choices: 1 is to do nothing, but monitor the accounts really closely. However, S has got away with it - she has form for things like this.. Option 2 is to open new accounts in another institution and simply not inform her. Keep the original ones open so she doesn't realise and gradually syphon money out. She would cotton on eventually. Option 3 (my favoured one) is for DF to revoke his PoA completely and take out a new one naming me & my adult DDs as his attorneys. He is reluctant to do this as it will really piss her off, but she has proved to be untrustworthy at best (fraudulent?) and I am not sure that she has acted in his best interests. DF does not like conflict and it pains him that we do not get on. She is a narcissist who resents the fact that I am older - like I can help that! Advice and/or sympathy welcome. TIA

What's the benefit for your sister in having this "authority" over and above having POA lodged with the bank?

No idea @PanettonePudding other than her and her weasel DH having access to DF's funds.

I think syphoning the money out sounds the simplest. Why not move money to an instant access savings account? Then if you get asked you can just say there was a better interest rate.

But if she has POA she has this already? Or do you mean she has just logged it with the bank?

@PanettonePudding the bank had a copy of the PoA where she is named as a Joint and Several attorney. DF wanted me to get my own cards etc so I could take over his online banking as he was struggling with it as he got older. The bank set all this up 18 months ago. She came over last weekend and without saying anything to either of us has got herself added. All she had to do was speak to DF as a courtesy.

Bloody hell. Crisis County round our way as FIL has slid way down in balance, speech and mobility over the course of a week. We've spent more time in his house than our own. One thing I will say for him is that he's suddenly discovered a hitherto absent adaptability which will allow him to accept anything that lets him stay in his own home: carers, cleaners, sleeping in the dining room, and shitting in a bucket. Anything but move somewhere actually suitable.
Commode's due soon, then we can dispose of the bucket.

Good grief @ArabellaFishwife thank goodness he’s accepting the necessary without resistance, but equally it’s making it harder for you. Do you have a plan for escalating care or slipping him into living somewhere else?

He won't live anywhere else while he still has the ability to shuffle a few steps between bed/chair/toileting, I suspect. There's a degree of dementia there but he still has capacity. As he can fund himself I'm getting the vibe from SS that they want us to source carers rather than use theirs. Maybe I'm misreading it.

What do you think has happened @ArabellaFishwife, is he unwell/small stroke or is it just a progression?

He had a fall and injured his leg a few weeks ago due to Parkinson's, and, these things never being straightforward, has been housebound ever since. The leg got better but over the last week he's fallen pretty much every day/ night, and is too weak to get himself back up again. Whether this element is down to lack of muscle tone that could be regained, it's hard to say. He'd needed help to get back on his feet intermittently before the leg episode.
Other associated symptoms have left him feeling very debilitated, and when we're there he only shuffles a few steps here and there. I've seen him do more when we show up unexpectedly. He's been checked over by paramedics and his GP, and there's no infection there.

A physio would be a good investment for him if he wants to stay home (or stay mobile, wherever he is). My dad benefited enormously from one who was a Parkinsons specialist and did a combination of physio and Pilates.

It was falling regularly that precipitated my dad's move to a home. It's not sustainable. Once he's spent enough hours on the floor waiting for a carer to come, and then waiting again for paramedics, he may become more receptive to moving somewhere with instant on-site assistance.

It’s been one of those non-stop calls days. FIL has been taken off in an ambulance because the district nurse messed up his catheter. It’s a permanent fixture connected to a bag, short version is he’ll die without it. BIL is here but itching to run off, leaving MIL (Alzheimer’s) alone overnight. But it’s ok cos we’re next door so we can keep popping in. It needs to stop. FIL throws bags of urine out the window because he cba to go to the toilet to empty them. He poohs in the house and treads it into the carpet. MIL is miserable in there with him, they need to go into a home but DH is just drowning and can’t see the wood for the trees.

What a delight, @SockFluffInTheBath , and how fortunate you are to be right next door to such an idyll. I can hear your internal scream from here.

@Malbecfan PoA is taking 5 months at the moment. Your middle option sounds the most practicable.

I’ve popped back for a healthy dose of reality check, so I can feel better about my own situation (nursing home but the admin never ever ends and why don’t different departments in the NHS talk to each other, or even different teams in the same council’s social care dept).

Wishing strength to @Malbecfan, @ArabellaFishwife and @SockFluffInTheBath as my challenges are different now.

Thank goodness for the solidarity that can be found here 🫖 ☕️ 🍷

@Projectme I definitely haven’t solved the instructing various medical depts to talk to family (not the patient as he can’t get anywhere by himself) thing. Why can’t I ‘tell them once’ when someone is still alive?!

Does anyone know if it’s worth me taking Health & Welfare LPoA to the GP? Still no diagnosis to formally invoke it, although GP sees DF in the nursing home and he is under the mental health team (passed memory assessments but jury is out on some other diagnoses ).

Also, DF would hate me (yes, me personally) doing anything because when I visit him (note this is in a nursing home) he snaps at me that I must not help because he ‘must show he can live independently’. Although I can totally get something he wants from the other side of the room because it saves him getting up which takes a long time and shuffling slowly over (he really needs the exercise!). Might ask the nursing home if they have visiting physio.

@FiniteSagacity so frustrating.

I've still not sorted it. It's just 1 phone call to make but I'm just dreading it because when I make the call, it'll get me involved in more shit, more appointments that they'll moan about having to go to and that I'll have to attend cos DM does 'the little girl lost' routine with big confused eyes (she understands more than she let's on) so she need take no responsibility if it all goes tits up!

@Malbecfan I'd go for option 2. Sounds like sis is majorly pissed off to not have been invited to the party etc so is going to make life more difficult for you!

@SockFluffInTheBath what a bloody nightmare for you. And you can't get away from it, living next door!!

@SockFluffInTheBath solidarity! Your BiL sounds as helpful as my sister.

@FiniteSagacity I wish you strength in dealing with the crap.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation

@Projectme last year, a good 10 months before his fall, my DF and I went to chat to the reception team at his GPs. DF said that as his memory was bad, he wanted sister and I to be contacted in the case of any major changes to his health. They suggested that he wrote them a letter expressing these wishes with our contact details. I typed the letter & printed it, sent a copy by email to sister and hand-delivered it to the GPs. It has our mobiles numbers, email addresses and postal addresses. We haven't yet invoked DF's LPA for Health & Welfare but it means that the GP is happy to explain things to me and booking appointments is much simpler. Would this work for you? My DF hates those "dial one to be moaned at, dial 2 for aggravation.." type situations, so I sold it to him as one way I could ease the burden for him.