🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Can I join in please? Love a gin but any alcohol will do at the moment.

Lost mum in March & have moved in with dad temporarily. I love my dad but mum used to do literally everything for him! I've essentially turned into his surrogate mum/ wife/ servant!!! Although he does regularly remind me, that mum did it differently (better).

Currently (& for the last 4 months) packing up their house, which they've lived in for 50 years. OMG so much stuff! To much of everything... furniture/ paperwork/ crockery/ books/ ornaments - every cupboard drawer, space is stuffed full of 'treasure'. Dad was a part time antiques dealer & is so reluctant to let anything go & doesn't seem to understand that Victorian brown furniture/ fancy china etc. is not saleable any more & certainly won't fit in my modest 3 bed cottage.

Hopefully things will be better when we move back to my house .... keep your fingers crossed for me xx

Good luck @sickasapug I hope the move goes well.

Good day here (say it quietly in case the universe hears!). Seems FIL’s leg may be saved (infection threatening amputation), hoorah. Though that would have been the catalyst for them both going into a CH, it’s huge surgery and best avoided. Made a decision on my mum and getting some distance which feels like a weight off but also like there’s a storm in the distance. And in wrong generation news my son passed his a levels and will be off to his preferred uni. A good day.

@MereDintofPandiculation, glad you are on the mend.
@SockFluffInTheBath well done to your DS! A good news day indeed.

I’ve had a lovely day today doing something for myself which may turn into what sounds like an amazing volunteering opportunity doing something I love so I’m feeling much happier.

There's nothing like volunteering - gives you all the feeling of being valued and useful that you get from a good career, and you don't have to do any of the bits you don't like!

Gret news, @SockFluffInTheBath

@sickasapug I have memories of clearing Dad's 4-bed detached in a fortnight for a move to a 3 bed semi, including moving a greenhouse-worth of cacti. Among the things we had to find homes for was a quarter sized billiard table and an above ground 4ft deep swimming pool. Fortunately the attic full of boxes proved to be mainly an attic-full of empty boxes.

Since you're actually there, and can't simply call in a clearance company, you could make heavy use of Freecycle or advertise stuff for sale for a fiver on FB marketplace - it will hurt that things of great value to him are now unwanted and seeing some of them go to good homes may make it easier to take others for recycling or to the tip.

Thank you your kind words - I read back my post & now feel a bit mean! Of course, I love him but he does drive me up the wall.

We've actually done loads of donating both to charity & friends & family. On a positive note, I have broken the back of it - although where I am going to put 25 big boxes of books/ 100+ paintings/ prints & 10 boxes of pottery/ china I don't know

I love him but he does drive me up the wall. I know the feeling! I miss him now his intellect has gone, but I could never have had him live me - despite his attempts to not be a nuisance, he'd drive me up the wall with the first day.

although where I am going to put 25 big boxes of books/ 100+ paintings/ prints & 10 boxes of pottery/ china I don't know Storage unit? Paid for by him.

Already booked the storage unit....can't wait to tell him he's paying!!!!

@sickasapug lovely to hear some nice news - well done your DS!

I’m teetering on the edge of storage but DF would need a whole room of requirement and also has no money now - but if we empty the full house then he could have money again once he has sold the house - except he doesn’t have capacity to make measured forward thinking decisions. So I think we come full circle back to no storage!

Loving the Harry Potter reference....that is exactly what we both need - the room of requirement!

Hello all. Have spent 8 months on the 'waiting for someone to die' threads but have eventually noticed DM is still alive... hope the bad daughters sofa is as huge and squashy as I remember.

We've decided to move DM from the nursing home too far away to one really close. This may or may not be the right decision but she is stable right now and we do think more brief visits from us will be in her best interests. Also we are such a difficult family (apparently) that the nursing home don't talk to us any more. Hoping she will be OK at the new one, we like the manager a lot.

Fantastic news to hear of A level passes 👏

How awful that they don't talk to you. What the hell? My parents are in a home nearby and we can pop in as it suits, more frequently, for shorter visits. I hope this move works out for you all.

Anyone else feel they lose sight of what is normal and acceptable and what isn’t? I am
Being made to feel unreasonable because I have said I can’t do the 6am get up for caring every single day, but it’s not seen as an issue as it’s ’only an hour’ of my time and she’s not asking for much.

When I dared to mention that if it was carers coming on, it wouldn’t be a guaranteed 6am get up, I was met with tears and made to feel like the worst daughter in the world. (Carers are a complete no go from her!)

@Strikingthebalance Oh my fuck yes.

Not for personal caring, but driving. FIL thinks it's perfectly reasonable to ask me to go over to drive him while he's off the road. Possibly permanently. His car will be at his house. All I have to do is a quick 20 minute walk into town, catch a bus, travel 9 slow rural miles, walk to his house, get into his car which will kindly be insured so that I can legally get behind the wheel, take him wherever he wants to go, which is 'only' going to be an hour or so out of my day, because he no longer has the mental agility to see all the other steps involved, take him home, see him safely up all the ridiculous steps to the front door and make him a quick cuppa and a sandwich, wait for the bus to go through the village, walk to the bus stop, 9 slow rural miles back to where I live, 20 minute limp back home from the bus station.
The reason I'm available for this is that I'm long term sick and can't work. Frankly I'd be overdoing it even if his car was permanently stationed on my own drive. If I wanted to give up any prospect of doing other things, like maybe putting a wash on or cooking a meal, to be a voluntary driver, why, I could have done that years ago. But somehow I'm made to feel selfish and lazy for considering my own needs.

I hope you're saying no, Arabella.

@ArabellaFishwife please step back. The self entitlement is off the scale. I am sure you may feel obliged but we all need to take care of each other on here and encourage each other not to get sucked in.

he no longer has the mental agility to see all the other steps involved

i think this is the root of a lot bad daughters’ issues. That and being stuck in how things were 50 years ago. Please look after yourself @ArabellaFishwife

@SockFluffInTheBath yes, you and @ArabellaFishwife certainly summed that up well.

DF certainly thinks things happen by daughter magic. My wonderful sister was making many treks on public transport to visit DF in sheltered accommodation and doing a lot of ‘caring between the carers’ and DF had no what idea it involved in terms of time and effort just to get there and be greeted with his demands and moans.

I considered myself lucky I had a 4 hour round trip by car - at least I could leave when I wanted to! Other DSis had a 6 hour round trip but ‘wasn’t visiting enough’ and when she got there was cleaning and caring too.

I sit quietly in the corner of the cafe usually, just eavesdropping, but chiming in in case it's helpful to one of you - DH got a man to come to MIL' house on Friday to do ear wax removal, and her hearing has improved quite a bit. She has hearing aids but we've been having to shout at her lately before she can hear us. Apparently he got loads out
Anyway, he's still asleep atm, but if anyone's interested, let me know and I'll ask him for details.
I think it cost about £85 but the guy that came (he does evenings too, came at 8pm) was absolutely brilliant with MIL and she was very happy to go along with it and let him do it.

Thank you for the new thread. I've had a nice summer of Mum doing ok and not having to do a huge amount extra on what I already do. I nearly wrote not having to do much, but that's because all the things I do have become normal now.

Facing a difficult autumn with Mum needing treatment for CLL on top of Alzheimer's and her own version of SAD (not diagnosed), so I'll probably be here more often.

Aw @FiveFoxes I know what you mean, winters are always worse aren't they.
I'm pretty sure MIL gets SAD too and our late night dashes always go up over the winter months.
Sorry to hear she has CLL as well, as if dementia isn't enough, poor lady.

@MovingSwiftlyOn that sounds so helpful. On a slightly amusing note I skim read your post and misunderstood “anyway he is still asleep atm’” thinking you meant the man who removed the earwax🙄…note to self READ properly!