🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

FIL has one of those seats. I know he has trouble with constipation, and I always feel sitting up even higher can't be helping. However, possibly better that than being unable to get off, or indeed out of, the toilet. Your poor MIL, Sock.

@SockFluffInTheBath oh dear. You are so brilliant seeing the funny side but it it’s just not ok in fairness to us adult older offspring. I really struggle as although I have a home in England my main home is overseas. I am increasingly in England so apart from my husband and adult children and my new grand children. I feel my mother just wants to have her own way and have me do all the hard stuff .

Thanks all, borderline false alarm and not as dramatic as described. They do have one of those over-toilet frame seat things for FIL, but MIL refuses to use it because she’s not disabled (her words).

@BlueLegume i didn’t realise, that is a difficult spot. You must feel so torn.

@SockFluffInTheBath think we are all in same boat xx

Blimey @SockFluffInTheBath , glad it wasn’t as bad as it sounded. My mum phoned me today to tell me she was “in a mess”, but couldn’t tell me what was wrong as she just couldn’t find the words to tell me what was bothering her. She said she wasn’t in pain or feeling unwell and the online notes from the carer visits are fine, so whatever it is will just have to wait till I visit on Friday. My ability to tune into her, and work out what she’s saying from the words that do come through her aphasia, is fading as her own thought processes are slipping and breaking. It ends up being twenty questions with yes/no answers. Years ago we could have full conversations about thingy/whatshisname/youknowwhat and know exactly what we were each saying, used to drive dad mad.

I do wonder how much longer she can stay at home, but then I’ve been wondering that for a year and she’s still hanging on.

@funnelfan I know what you mean about guessing (and I also used to have thingamabob conversations fine with my Mum). Nowadays she wants to remember the exact word and struggles to deviate from it to help me guess.

After a summer of relative peace, we went away for the weekend. Received a furious phonecall from Mum's mad friend telling me I'm an awful daughter and I've neglected my Mum. Turns out her tablet dispenser stopped working but I was unaware until that point and therefore couldn't have helped. It still makes me a terrible person apparently as I dared to leave her side for a couple of days. She missed a few tablets and seems to have got worse as a result.

I then saw a flock of swallows leaving after the summer is over (I think) and it seems like a metaphor.

Oh gosh @SockFluffInTheBath glad she was ok.

Surely you are meant to have psychic powers as well as endless patience @fivefoxes

In news here my DDad had the low vision service round got partway through their suggestions and then told them to go away as he couldn't take anymore. The reality of his sight loss is hitting hard alongside his sisters death and it bringing him in contact with his own mortality. DH is cheering him up by cooking him liver and onions tonight.

In executor land the pest control man went to my Aunt's property, got electrocuted and nearly fell through the loft hatch trying to assess the situation 😯. Luckily he is ok.

@Choconuttolata oh my. I’m glad pest control guy is okay after that!

Clearance guy has bravely been tackling DFs house and dealing with infestation and mystery liquids in large containers. It’s yet another money drain but we needed someone not emotionally involved to help.

Poor pest control man!

And Argh! to mystery liquids. MaBint had that joy clearing a relative's house - dozens of ancient bottles with labels long rotted away. Fortunately she found a sympathetic disposal service that agreed to take them unidentified and work it out themselves.

StepPaBint is over his Covid symptoms with no memory of the past week and refusing to believe he's been ill. The delirium is in full swing but he's back to previous level physically - getting around the house and eating and drinking normally.

Oh god the mystery liquids! My lot are terrible for it. Plus DM is a great user of pesticides and what have you in the garden, the utility room and shed are like something out of Breaking Bad. Sometimes I think one day the whole lot will go up.
I fantasise about skips and clearance services… 🤣

@MotherOfCatBoy the reality of clearance is its own rollercoaster - amazing to have someone who is used to hoarders and be able to move in the house and garage. But hard to see the money and time DF wasted. So much stuff in unopened boxes and that he didn’t need.

@FiniteSagacity I can imagine. We’ve done Dh’s parents’ house, that was hard; my side are another level…

Have arrived at DM today to be accused of telling all of her friends not to talk to her, that I am refusing to answer her calls and that her house will disappear next week.

She obviously has another UTI and we are on our way to the out of hours GP for an appointment.

I just feel so angry. It's always my fault and she's so f**cking helpless but happy to rant at me and blame me for all the imagined things that I've done.

I really would love to just go home (an hours drive) and leave her to get on with it. But she would call and message me constantly.

There is no point to this post other than to let off steam to people who understand.

She was nasty and spiteful before this and it's like the worst of her is taking over completely. It triggers me every single time.

Counting to 100!...........

I feel for you, @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . MIL was always prone to letting rip with the accusations, even on good days, and towards the end would come out with bitter long-held resentments, real and imaginary. It makes me fear dementia even more, in case I turn out to be one of those who release decades of pent-up rage and frustration (in MIL's case the kind of frustration that's very high on the list of Things I Never Wanted To Hear).
Carers will assure you that 'it's the dementia talking', but when someone's been a difficult character their whole life, it can sometimes feel hard to nod along with well-meant platitudes.

You have summed it up so well @ArabellaFishwife - it's not a 'complete change of character'.

She's always been prone to nastiness, I just feel that I can't walk away now, which is what I used to do (once I was old enough to.)

She's always been self-absorbed and it's worse than ever now.

We are back from OOH with antibiotics. I will be making a hasty exit shortly while I still have some sanity left.

I've made DH promise to throw me off a cliff if I start to get like this!

Putting my head back round the door, hoping for a warm welcome. Gin in hand...

I posted here in January after DF had a fall and badly broke his shoulder. I dropped everything and stayed with him for almost 3 weeks. I looked at care homes but we decided that he might as well stay with me and so it has been since the end of January. My sister is a nightmare. She lives abroad, thinks she is DF's favourite and always wants to "do" things, most of which are for/about her and grasping BiL.

I teach. My busiest time of year is the 2nd half of the spring term, so juggling DF, work, DH, a DD doing finals and life admin was not easy. I asked if sister could come over for 10 days to look after him back at his place (banned unofficially from my house for my own sanity) and so I could mark work and go to DD1's Masters graduation. This meant 2 x 500 mile round trips for me to take DF home then collect him, but it is what it is. Sister came earlier than I wanted, so I had to dash north straight after teaching. She also left a day earlier, meaning I had to mark relentlessly before the graduation. Whilst here, she took DF to see a private consultant who said his shoulder wasn't healing and recommended replacing it. I spoke to parents of kids I teach who are consultant anaesthetists and their advice was that for someone with cognitive impairment, a general anaesthetic is best avoided. Sister and aunt disagree and threw a load of grief at me. However, my wonderful cousin who has had several operations on her shoulder agreed and said the rehab is brutal, let alone the GA. The hospital insisted on 2 pre-op visits (each being a 500 mile round trip) and after much frustration, we cancelled. We decided to get a 2nd opinion closer to me and the doctor parents again came up trumps. This consultant was lovely and gave DF 3 options: operate but there were definite risks with anaesthesia, do nothing, or get some physio. DF has had 4 sessions of physio and definitely has more movement.

DF is currently next door to me. He now prepares his own breakfast & lunch. I make dinner and we all eat together. I do all his food shopping and washing. I also do his banking and liaise with his various financial advisors. Thankfully, I have LPAs for finances and health. We haven't invoked the health one yet, but I am on record with his GP as someone to be informed of any material changes to his health.

Now I'm going to sound really bad. I feel trapped. I can't go anywhere. Dad reads the bloody Daily Telegraph. Nobody will deliver it to here and the local community shop opens at 9, long after I have gone to school. The shop has been really good about getting volunteers to drop it off on work days, but it is hard. DD2 is here now and a brilliant help but she starts her first graduate job at the end of the month and will be moving away. I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do. Dad had a UTI in June and he became really confused, not helped by the huge quantities of gin he drinks. One evening when DH was away, he couldn't even stand up properly and I thought it was the end only for him to rally and be fine the next day. His short-term memory is poor, but he can still do the DT cryptic crossword every day and talk about his interests.

Sister is desperate to see him but DF doesn't want her to come over. Mostly prompted by BiL, they think I am hiding something but I just don't want 2 judgemental people in my safe space. I try to message her about things on a "need to know" basis but when she phones DF every evening, he fills her in on stuff when he has been drinking, and so of course I have to unravel it all and am made out to be the bad guy. It's really hard. DF is 89 - his parents lived to be 90 and 91, his great granny was 98 and his great great grandfather was 102! Sorry for the epic rant and cockroach to anyone who has got this far!

Rant justified!

I agree on the op - anaesthetic and cognitive impairment are not a good mix, rehab for shoulder replacement is tough, and if he didn't engage fully with the rehab the whole thing would be largely pointless.

Two suggestions that might be of no use, but I'll make them just in case:

• Could he switch to reading yesterday's paper, so you could get it at any convenient moment during the day rather than first thing?
• Would alcohol free gin be an option?

Thanks @NoBinturongsHereMate . To be fair, he has said he is happy for me to collect the paper on the way home. There is a batty neighbour who he quite likes who has been really helpful dropping it off. I saw her this morning and she is happy to carry on. Alcohol free gin is an interesting thought. I'd have to decant it into a Gordon's bottle. In some ways, I wonder whether to keep buying the gin as he likes it and he moans about how all his friends are dead blah blah so it might hasten him joining them (bad Malbecfan again!)

Important clarification: suggestion is of alcohol-free gin for him; not for you or the thread.

Oh, thank God, Binturongs.

Looks like you can get Daily Telegraph by post

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation but if you scroll down, it's just the vouchers he has already. In any case, we're only getting 2 postal deliveries per week at the moment. It's really annoying.

Another call from the carers, bathroom flooded again. the supervisor suggested taking the plug off the chain in the bath which is blindingly obvious now I think about it.

Mind you we had an elderly great aunt who used to flood her room in her care home, so they removed the plug from her sink and she used her face flannel to block the plughole instead with the same result. So I probably need to remove mums flannels too!

Good grief @funnelfan we are also plugless. A flannel/towel/loo roll will only hold so much in my (limited) experience, and takes a degree of smarts to get to remain in place at all.

@Malbecfan that does sound tough. We’re firmly of the view that if you’re not shoulder to shoulder with us mopping various secretions and ministering to the delusions then your opinion counts for nowt. It is hard though when you’re doing your best and being judged from an ivory tower.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia DH and I have a similar pact. We’re going to Belgium to fill up on chocolate and beer, then a long sleep.

So I probably need to remove mums flannels too! And don’t use circular soap bars. They work well as emergency plugs.